My dearest Jude, I've heard rumors of what the people are saying … I've shunned their murmurs … avoided their fetid breath, and even tried to stop gazing at the young warriors here but sometimes their tunics show such a glimmer of their fine young asses that I-well we'll talk about that later, when you return and are safely in our bed. I'm writing to you, dearest, to warn you that the people think you, like Hannibal, plan to cross the blood-soaked Rubicon with elephants! Elephants for Minerva's sakes, where the hell did you find elephants? My sweetheart, perhaps you have no elephants-perhaps they exist only in your silly head-or in the heads of those who have been brain-washed with your orations and victories and glories. But. . . if you do have elephants-please remember we cast out all our peanuts before the Plebs at the last monkey parade in the Colosseum, but I am distracted, my love. This is not why I wrote. I am writing because I had a dream last night and all I remember was the haunting word: "Beware!" All the rest was mumbled and turned into smoke and blew away. My husband, please, I fear you are in danger, so by Apollo, go back for the elephants and I shall buy more peanuts and be waiting for you in the top tier at the Circus Maximus, seat CLV on the XV of March. The Ides of March, my love, the Ides of March-remember that date. I shall be waiting in the Circus Maximus with XXII elephants and CDXCLLV Libra of peanuts. But, oh my sweetheart, my love, take the Apian Way around the Alps-it's longer but safer-and you can find an easy route for Valerius, yes I know it's silly for me to name an elephant after your nephew-but they both have big ears and very wide asses and I couldn't resist.

Your adoring wife, covering you entire mouth and lips with CCXL kisses, Calpurnia.

The End

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