Bricks and Musings   
Bricks & Musings 2007
General Writer Spouting off

    There is always something to comment about and nothing is off the table. Sometimes, I just gotta get up on my little soapbox and pour my heart out. It is always interesting to look back at what I've written in the past. Feel free to comment.

The Tarheel Writer - On the Web since 24 February 2003. Celebrating 20 Years on the Internet!
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Thursday, December 6, 2007 - 7:50AM, with partly cloudy skies and 33 degrees
    The weather is supposed to be warm this weekend, so I'm headed off to South Georgia to spend a few days on the boat. Nothing like a few days under sail to recharge the batteries. Last month and this month have kept me really busy. In fact, last month was a record month and this month promises to surpass that. It's feast or famine in my business and right now I'm gorging myself.
    Chris James is quite a character! LOL! I've gotta get off my arse and format a few more chapters of his wonderful story, "Dumb Luck." Sorry, Chris.

Sunday, November 18, 2007 - 12:45AM, with clear skies and 36 degrees
    Burrr! Where did fall go? The only falling I see is all the damn leaves in the front yard. Poplar trees tend to do that, I'm told. A chain saw will fix it, is my response.
    I'm feeling a bit weird tonight as I've just posted a new story that literally drips with sex. Not my usual thing, but it was a story that's been rambling around in my head for quite some time. I guess seeing a lot of the people I was in high school with caused me to think back to those days and wonder if things had been a bit different. I was a horny little shit in high school. Hehe ... hell, I'm a horny little shit now! Anyway, this story, "Party Girl" is along the same lines of "Craig." So if you've read that story, you know what to expect.
    Switching gears ... Jeff pointed out to me that not only was he grilling steaks, he was also baking a pound cake at the same time. Fukker! He can run rings around me in the kitchen. I also point out that his favorite channel is the Food Network. No doubt about it, the boy can cook. If I could just get him to stop wearing clothes under his apron, then things in the kitchen would really heat up! LOL!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007 - 1:15AM, with clear skies and 59 degrees
    How to grill a steak!
    First and foremost, you must understand that Jeff can't grill ... anything! Well, until he got this probing thermometer. I like to think that I can grill a mean steak ... medium rare every time. I can just tell by the way the meat feels when I prod it with my fork. Jeff, on the other hand, decided to get this thermometer thingy. Now he's the grilling expert. He just shoves the probe in the meat, checks the temp and declares it done! And it is!
    Jeff may be able to grill the perfect chicken breast or the perfect medium rare steak with his probing thermometer ... but that's not how "manly men" grill steak. Jeez, using a probe is like asking for directions! Men just don't do it! And, of course, I'm a man. We just ... know ... when it's done. It's built in. Men know how to grill meat. Hehe ... we also know how to mouth it, lick it, shove it ... well, you get the idea.
    I came home tonight to a gloating Jeff. "I grilled the perfect steak for your brother," he proudly exclaimed. "And he was flabbergasted!" The nelly little queen grilled the perfect steak. I guess I was flabbergasted too! Jeff ... grilled a perfect steak ... when pigs fly! But the fact remains, he did it. Sigh. I guess there's something to this probing temperature sensor thingy. But ... yeah, but ... manly men know when the meat is cooked to perfection ... it's a part of who we are as men. The fact that Jeff can grill a better steak than I can ... what in the world is happening to manhood?!?!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 - 12:15AM, with cloudy skies and the possibility of rain!
    I watched "Private Practice" on ABC tonight, against my better judgment. Jeff just loves TV. Jeez, take him away from a TV and he's lost! LOL! "Private Practice" is a spinoff from "Grey's Anatomy." Anyway, one of the subplots on the show was about a 13 year old boy. He, at first, seems to have Mono. But, he tested negative for that. He talked about being in love with someone that would never return his love. The doctor encouraged him to tell the person how he felt. Well, long story told short, he did. And ended up with a black eye. The person the young boy was in love with was ... Brian. And he got slammed in the face for revealing his feelings. I could not help but be bowled over by the youthfulness of the actor that portrayed the character. He was soooo young! OMG! I was overwhelmed with the urge to reach through the TV screen and wrap him in my arms and tell him it was gonna be alright. It broke my heart! I reeled in the emotions I felt when I was his age. I guess times don't change too much. And that is ... sad. My God, I wish the gay kids that are coming into their own sexuality had it easier! They are so desperately in need of someone to love them ... and usually it's a best friend ... that's straight. I know the feeling well, as I went through it myself. I just wish that someone was there to tell them ... it's gonna be okay. When they finally realize that the one person they've been head over heels in love with ... the one person who can fulfill all their dreams ... doesn't love that ... "that way" ... can be devastating.
    I'm gonna got hit the hot tub and ponder on the state of things. I have a friend that works at a local adult book store. He tell's me about the many young men that come in inquiring about gay movies. Most of them are young ... well, rednecks ... young men that grew up on a family farm and are expected to carry on the family tradition, but what they really want ... is playing out on the DVDs that they rent. I sincerely hope these young men find a special person to hold and to love. The reality is that, they'll get married, have kids and hide the part of them that they really are. OMG ... it's so sad that young people are pressured into being something they aren't. I can only wish that the pressures on today's youth ... lessen to the point that they can be themselves. That they can love who they choose to love. That's my wish at every birthday ... when those candles are blown out.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007 - 12:55PM, with clear skies and 69 degrees
    I thought I'd have a bit of a laugh tonight and decided to watch "Earnest Goes to Camp." It was a hoot! Jim Varney is histerical! BUT ... during the movie, he sang a song that floored me! The meaning of the song slammed me back on the couch. Here's the lyrics ...

Gee I'm glad it's raining
There's always something to be thankful for.
I'm awfully glad it's raining
Cause no one sees your tear drops when it pours.

And no one knows the thunder
Is your heartbreak in disguise,
They think the rainy nights
What put that sad look in your eyes.

Sure am glad it's raining.
The gentle rhythm soothes the pain inside.
I'm glad the stars aren't shining.
A wounded warrior needs a place to hide.

I thought I had found someone
I could count on til the end.
What they wanted was a hero,
All I needed was a friend

Gee I'm glad it's raining.
I hope the morning sun won't come up soon.
As long as it keeps raining,
No one knows my heart broke right in two.

I thought I had found someone
I could count on til the end.
What they wanted was a hero,
All I needed was a friend

Sure am glad it's raining.
I'm awfully glad it's raining

    The lyrics of this song hit me head long ... in other words, it slapped me in the face. I can think of so many people that the lyrics of that song "sing" out to. It touched my soul. If it's raining where you are, the hurt and pain have been felt before. If it's raining where you are, you are not alone .. for people have trod those steps before you ... and survived If it's raining where you are, remember there's a rainbow after every storm ... sounds like a cliche, but it's true. Good things are on the horizon. If I could personally come to your house and give you a great big hug, I would ... if that would make a difference. Since the reality of that is slim to none, trust me in knowing that while it will rain, someone will always be there to hold the umbrella.
    The person holding that unbrella might not be there in person, but they hold that unbrella in their heart. It might be raining where you are and you think you really need a hero to save you ... when, in reality, all you need is a friend. A simple email is all it takes to reach out and touch someone that only exist as letters on a computer screen. LOL ... I am a real person who actually cares. It is my wish that you will be shielded from the harshness that life doles out, BUT ... yeah, but. Hang in there and know that you are traveling down paths that others before you have trod. There's experience in those that are older ... and they, I, am always willing to share.

Monday, August 28, 2007 - 2:15AM with fair skies and 72 degrees and a lunar eclipse at 5:30am
    Yeah, it's me again. I've been worried about something that's been happening over the last year. My absolute best "Internet" friend and I are drifting apart. We no longer share the passionate emotions and feelings that we once did. Now, it's just .... that was a great story, how's the weather, did you read this story, how's the weather ... etc. Once upon a time, in our past, I kinda became infatuated with him. I thought the world of him and lived and breathed on his every word. I quickly caught myself, but not before he realized the same thing. Since then, things have been at "arm's length" between us. My best friend Mike had just died and I really needed someone to take his place in my life. My "friend" was that person. I think I've shared parts of my life with him that I have shared with no one else, except Mike. And now I feel as if I've lost him. There's no longer any daily email. The things we used to share with each other ... don't get shared.
    Perhaps that is the way life is ... when we really need someone, they suddenly appear to help us through a really tough time. When we're on the other side, that person just kinda drifts away. It seems to me that he's drifting away. And that's the last thing I'd ever want. He is my connection to ... me. I know that's sounds strange, but it's true. He is my connection to who I am ... where I came from ... the thoughts, emotions and feelings that make up, me ... I have shared ... with him. He knows who I really am. And when I feel lost, he brings me "home."
    When two people, who have never met each other face to face, who only know each other through the ... i am but only letters on the screen ... Internet ... share so much of what makes them who they are, then that person becomes very important to you. That person could be anyone, yet I chose to share my most secret memories, thoughts and desires with him. And he shared his with me. That bonded me to him in a unique way that I can't describe. He is so very special to me that the thought of us drifting apart scares the shit out of me. I need him in my life almost as much as I need Jeff in my life. Perhaps that comes across as "needy." Well, if that's the case, so be it. People need certain things in their life to anchor them to reality. He does that for me. He is my sounding board for all the wild crap my mind thinks up. He is my subconscious suddenly ... conscious. And now I feel as if he's slipping away.
    Thinking back, it's kinda like high school a day before graduation. All these people you've known since high school, or middle school or even elementary school ... they're going somewhere else. Your lives are being torn apart and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Some are going to college, some are going to work and some are gonna live off mommas and pappa's wealth until they decide what they want to do. But the one thing they all have in common is that most are suddenly going to be ... gone. People you have spent the last 3,6 or even 12 years with are going to be ... gone. They are off to live their lives and suddenly I am faced with having to go on and live mine. High School Graduation is a metaphor for life. We meet people, become close and then drift apart.
    I guess there are only a select few people that really connect and become fast friends for life. Those people are few and far between ... but once you think you've got one ... hang on for dear life. A friend that you can let all your defenses down in front of, be the person who you really are, express the feelings you would never speak outloud to anyone ... that you can let it all out with ... get it all off your chest with ... confide that you really do like to get fucked instead of being the fucker ... that you have a secret desire to be spanked ... or are truly in love with someone you haven't seen in 30 years. Now that's the kind of friend we all need. A friend that listens, but does not judge ... a friend that offers advice, but doesn't tell you what to do ... a friend that understands the daily frustrations of life. That's the kind of friend we all need.
    And then there's reality. You read stories almost everyday about some young boy or girl that goes running across hell and half of Georgia to get to someone they've only met over the Internet. That does not make any sense at all, at all! I am one of those people whose glass is always full as opposed to half empty. At the same time, I realize that the person I am confiding my entire life's secrets with may or may not be who I envision them to be. Ya know what? Who cares? I don't give a shit if the person I'm friends with is a 15 year old, Swedish blond haired, blue eyed cutie ... or a 65 year old, 250 pound, 5'6" British man who has uncontrollable farts, a forest of back hair, pimples on his ass, a Donald Trump combover, a pot belly, hasn't seen his dick since 1978 and really needs to get his teeth cleaned ... the fact of the matter is, whoever that person is knows me better than any other person on the planet.
    Perhaps it's because I'm too busy ... perhaps it's because I'd rather watch a movie tonight ... perhaps it's because I'd rather just watch some porno and forget ... or perhaps it's because I really don't have anything to say ... whatever the reason, it is a real loss that comes with losing the closeness of a true friend. That is something I hope you will never have to endure.

Monday, August 28, 2007 - 12:35AM with fair skies and 73 degrees
    We received news tonight that one of my friends died. It is particularly difficult when the person is younger than you. Otto was Susan's wife. Susan was Mike's half-sister. Mike was my best friend in the whole world. So, I've known Susan for a very long time. Otto and Susan took Mike in the final months of his life. They took care of him as the cancer slowly took his life. It was in their house that I watched as my very best friend slipped into the next world. And, now, this evening, I was there once again with Susan in my arms, tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. Death came unexpectedly for Otto. With Mike, we knew it was coming. The shock of the sudden death is still reverberating within me. It hasn't sunk in yet.
    We lost Mike's father a little less than a year ago. Susan lost her mother a little more than a year ago. That's too much death for one family and friends. I consider ... and they consider ... me to be a part of the family. I sat in the family section for each funeral and will probably, once again, sit in the family section tomorrow. It is oh so rewarding to be close to people that you have known for decades. At the same time, it is oh so hard to accept the loss of one of our "family."

Sunday, August 27, 2007 - 12:35AM with fair skies and 74 degrees
    Jeff and I went to Las Vegas last week. Wow! What a trip! We stayed at Caesar's and our room was on the 19th floor overlooking the swimming pool. Jeff was so excited by the room that he turned and wrapped his arms around me and gave me a passionate kiss ... sitting area, massive king sized bed, marble bath with glass shower and whirlpool tub. Man oh man, this is livin' it!
    It was our first trip to "sin city" and we had a ball. There's boys on every corner handing out cards. The cards have pictures of naked women and a phone number. Sorry dude, wrong plumbing.
    I think we hit just about every casino in town. It was 108F degrees during the day, but the humidity was about 5%, so I didn't even sweat that much. The ding, ding, ding in the casinos was intoxicating and before I knew it, we'd gone through a ton of cash ... well, I did, but Jeff kept on winning! I think his winnings offset my losses and we ended up about even.
    Of course, when we got back there's tons of shows on the Travel Channel about Las Vegas. Why couldn't they air those shows before we went?!?! Now, after watching, we've gotta go back. The is too much to see and do in 3 short days.
    My friend Davin reminded us that membership in the mile high club must be renewed with every flight. LOL! It's kinda hard to slink into the lavatory and have Jeff follow me when there's 6 people in line to take a piss. We really needed one of the planes that have several lavatories in the rear. Now that's what I'm talking about!
    If you ever get the chance to go to Vegas ... do it. There were tons of people from all over the world ... Japan, France, England ... there was this one really cute British boy who got off on our floor, wrapped in only a towel. He'd gotten on the wrong elevator. I'm sure I was drooling on the floor, but Jeff told him where he needed to go. Then he dragged me to our room to remind me that he is my husband. Yummy! There's nothing like a jealous husband reminding you who is whose. Thank God the headboard was bolted to the wall!

Friday, August 4, 2007 - 12:35AM with partly cloudy skies and 76 degrees
    Let's see, I jacked off twice yesterday and then had wild monkey sex with Jeff last night. Then I've jacked off twice again today and I'm thinking about it again just now. What the fuck's up with that?!? I think I've been reading too many stories with vivid sex scenes that its got my libido revved up. That's the only explanation that I can think of. I have noticed that when the full moon is close, I get horny. Do you every feel that way? Maybe it's the werewolf in me. LOL! I just checked and the moon is waxing just past half. Oh well. There goes that explanation.
    I'm excited to say that this site has two new stories. One by an old friend, Chris James. It's called "Angles in the Choir" and it's an awesome story. Chris consistently churns out creative, compelling stories that draw you in and keep you there until the very last sentence. And he tells me that there's another story in the hopper. I, for one, can't wait. Go Chris!
    The other story, which I have yet to post is by the White Water Kid. When he first approached me about posting the story, I was intrigued. Who is this kid that wants me to post his story? After reading, I find myself ... confused. The story in and of itself is compelling. It shows first hand the horrible difficulties in wading through the emotions surrounding one's sexual identity. I should know as I've lived through it. And I'm sure that any gay man or woman who grew up in the 70's will attest to the "weight of the world" being on your shoulders. I would have thought that today's youth would accept homosexuality and bisexuality as quite the norm ... but, alas, it isn't. What the White Water Kid brings to the plate is the age old problem we gay men and women face when coming of age ... we fall in love with our best friend. I'm here to testify about that feeling ... it's overwhelming, suffocating, demanding, irresistible and at the same time, so wonderful that you can't resist.
    It seems like yesterday ... hehehe ... it was a dark and stormy night ... yeah, I know, it's a cliché to start out a paragraph like that, but, it's true. It does seem like yesterday that I would do anything, anything to please the friend I was so in love with.
    So now we have this story called "An Albemarle Tale" by the White Water Kid. It's autobiographical. It's so real that I find myself reliving my teenage years. I plan to post the story in the next few days, but I have one stumbling block ... religion. The White Water Kid's take on religion is matter of fact. He has strong beliefs and convictions. I've known for some time now that religion is the one major stumbling block that kids have when coming to terms with their own sexuality. The Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin. At the same time, Jesus teaches that we should love one another without hesitation. The old testament of the Bible is all about "Thou shall not" while the new testament of the Bible is all about "Thou shall ..." I kinda like the new testament. Jesus was all about loving. He never mentioned hatred. He only talked about love and respect. That, I can identify with.
    So, we'll see where this story leads us and what lessons it teaches, or what memories it evokes. I, for one, can't wait to see what happens. I know what happens in my past ... and I can only hope that history does not repeat itself.

Friday, May 4, 2007 - 9:50PM with cloudy skies and 53 degrees
    There comes a time in all our lives when we've said something hateful in the "heat of the moment" that we regret. Actually, it happens quite a few times to some of us, and we always regret saying what we said. "If I could just take it back" we say to ourselves. But once it's said ... it's said. There is no taking it back and we can only deal with damage control.
    I find myself in the unique situation of having to eat crow, to apologize, to suck it up and admit to saying something that I didn't really mean. It was the "heat of the moment" that caused that horrid comment. It was the emotional fury that caused me to make that caustic comment I wish I could take back ... the comment that hurt the other person beyond belief.
    So I'm backstepping here and making a profuse apology for the horrid words that came from my anger fogged mind ... and for that, I am truly sorry.
    In a 'bricks' entry a bit before, I said that I hated my brother with all my heart. That's not actually true ... in the literal sense. It was my highly emotional charged persona that screamed those hateful words. It would be easy to go back and edit my comments, but that would be wrong. The words have been said and there's no taking them back. So I must live with the comments I made, no matter how hateful and hurtful they were. All I can do at this point is to try to explain the state of mind I was in when I made those comments.
    I know, it sounds like a cop out! I'm trying to weasel my way out of a bad situation. Grovel ... if you will. I let my fingers do the walking and they walked over some hateful keys on the keyboard.
    So let's recap ... I said some really bad things about my brother. Given the emotions that were running through my mind at the time, the comments seemed justified. The problem is that "extremely pissed off at" came across as "hate with all my heart." Well there certainly is a huge difference in the two expressions. I'm not the type of person to back down, but in this instance, I'm going to do just that.
    First of all, I'm pleased, flattered and honored that my brother would wade through the muck that is my bricks and musings. Second, I am embarrassed that he read one of my rants and felt hurt ... extremely hurt. That was never my intention. My intention was to vent my frustration ... to get it off my chest. In the process, I offended my brother. No, I hurt my brother with my comment. That was wrong of me. So I find myself trying to justify my horrid comments and I can't. There's no excuse. All I can do at this point is say I'm sorry. I hope with all my heart that he accepts this sincere outpouring of emotion. It certainly was not my intention to hurt my brother ... it was simply an exercise of venting the frustration I was feeling at the time. I can only hope my brother sees this as what it truly is.
    I love my brother very much, but occasionally, I get really, really pissed at him.

Friday, February 9, 2007 - 12:00AM with clear skies and 30 degrees
    As of a few seconds ago, I am officially celebrating another birthday ... one of those birthdays with a zero after the first number, so that makes it kind of significant. Earlier in the evening, I was discussing this with my mother and she asked me how it felt to be 50. I told her I really didn't know. Then she said maybe I should ask her how it felt to be almost 83. So I did. She said ... I'm still alive. At first, I laughed at her comment. Then, later, I started thinking about it. I've reached the half century mark. Countless people never reach that age. They are either cut down by violence, war or disease. I guess I should count my blessings that I have lived so long.
    I didn't want anything wild and crazy for this birthday. At first I thought of a wild party with a casket filled with ice and beer, but that's not who I really am. Although the imagery was kinda cool. LOL! I'm more reflective at this moment in my life. I think about what's most important to me. And that's ... family.
    I've done some things, I've said some things, I've even thought some things ... that were … in the heat of the moment … fueled by anger, rage and mostly frustration.
    One the other hand …
I've done some things, I've said some things, I've even thought some things that were … from the bottom of my heart fueled by compassion, unwavering loyalty and ... pure love.
    We are not all perfect, but we are all family. There may be times when we want to rip each other's throats out. And there may be times when … all we want is a hug. The important thing to remember is that we are all tied together … in one form or another … but we are … a family. Family comes first above all other. Who can we depend on? Who can we depend on no matter what we have done? Who can we depend on no matter what the circumstances? Family. That's who we depend on. There's no holier that thou judgmental attitude. There is only one steadfast allegiance and that's to family. We take care of our own, no matter what. Don't be afraid. Don't worry about what other people may think. Because it does not matter. We are a family. We take care of each other. We love each other … unconditionally. Above all else, that's what I want each and every one of you to know. Know that you are loved … without question. There should be no fear. There should only be the warm comfort of the blanket of the love of family. It does not matter where you live or what your kind of life you live ... you are loved. I love you. I care about you. You are not alone in this adventure we call life. There will always been someone who cares about you ... no matter what. You must believe this.
    You may have never emailed me. You may have never told anyone how you really feel. You may think you are alone. You may think you have absolutely no one to talk to. BUT, that's NOT true. I care. And so do so many others. It's the truth! Believe me ... please.
    My intention is to tell each member of my family how important they are to me ... to my life. And at the same time ... I want to tell each person reading this, that you are important to me as well. You have found my website and have clicked on the Bricks link which brought you here. For that I am forever thankful.
    I started this site as a way to see what readers thought about my stories. It has evolved to be so much more. This site is like my child. I love it and nurture it and try to give it as much attention as I can. I scold it when it get's off track and praise it when it does good. Mostly, it gets praised. And that's because of you.
    I can not begin to express my steadfast appreciation to you for reading not only this blog, but my stories and my recommendations too. Since 2003, TarheelWriter has been on line, and I have done my best to bring you the very best in reading, in informative links, in inspiration and encouragement ... and I feel as if I am writing to members of my family. It is you that have inspired me to write, it is you that have inspired me to press on ... inspite of adversity. For that I humbly thank you.
    I received an email from a person who've I've been corresponding with for a long time. He's young, he's intelligent but confused, he's inquisitive, he's insecure ... yet, he continues to write to me to tell me how he's doing. He scared me to death about 6 months ago and I thought that I had lost him. But in the last few days he has written to me telling me that he's okay. This young man is facing a lot. He's at that age where he want's someone to love him so very badly that he gives of himself physically to get that love ... only to find that he was only wanted for physical satisfaction. Oh my God, how many of us have been there?!?
    My prayers go out to Rad. May you find that special someone to give you what we all want ... someone to love us for who we are, not what we are ... someone to accept us for who we are ... and not expect something else. You, my friend and confidant, are cared about. You are loved for who you are. May you find what you ... and thousands, if not millions ... of people are looking for. Acceptance and ... love.
    I really didn't mean this to be a soapbox rant, but it kinda turned out that way. LOL! So take a few moments to reflect on the good things in your life. If you can't think of any, then remember this ... there's someone you don't even know ... me ... that cares about you.
    Thank you so very much for supporting The Tarheel Writer. I am forever indebted to you.

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