Ian and Ray looked at me with sympathy. We could clearly hear my parents arguing loudly with each other. My mouth went dry as my anger began to grow.

"We could go back to my house," Ian suggested quietly.

I shook my head once, and then crawled to the tent door flap.

"I'll be back in a minute," I informed them sharply.

"Ben," Ian began.

As I unzipped the tent door, I abruptly cut him off. "I'm getting some water. I'll be back in a minute."

I was out of the tent before he could reply, but through the nylon I heard Murray say, "But we have water right here."

"I know," Ian replied sadly. The rest of their conversation was to quiet for me to hear before I went inside.

Once in the back door, the volume of my parents' argument increased measurably. I was so furious with my parents that I didn't even pay attention to what they were saying. Their bedroom door was open, and as I got closer, my anger changed into rage. I walked into their bedroom door and faced them.

"Shut up!" I barked at the top of my lungs.

"Ben?" My mother gasped.

"Shut up!" I yelled again. "God, can't you stop arguing long enough for me to have some friends over? Why do you have to embarrass me in front of them? We can hear you through the window!"

"Ben, this isn't…," dad spluttered.

"I know. It's not about me. It's never about me. Well, you're wrong. It is about me, and how you're ruining my life! I can't have any friends over here because I never know if you guys are going to start in! I don't even want to be here anymore!"

"Wait just a minute, Benjamin," my mother started, her tone angry.

"No!" I shouted back. "I'm tired of waiting! I'm tired of trying to ignore it when I hear you in the middle of the night! I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay. It's not! Nothing is okay anymore! Nothing! I wish I had died! I wish it was me instead of Mike!"

My mother gasped again as I turned my back on them and slammed the door on my way out. Across the hall, I began gathering some things in a gym bag. My parents' bedroom door opened, but I didn't hear anything else. A glance behind me showed my parents standing at the threshold observing me. I continued packing.

"Where are you going, son?" Dad asked, his voice odd.

"Ian's."

"Ben…"

"Save it, dad," I retorted savagely as I stuffed part of Mikey's journal in with my clothes. "I'm not interested in anything you have to say. Either of you." I zipped the bag and walked to the door "Now just get out of my way and leave me alone!"

After a hesitation, my parents moved enough for me to get out of my room. I ran to the bathroom, took what I needed, and stalked right past my parents, who hadn't moved. Without a backward glance or another word, I walked out the back door. It took all the willpower I had to keep from slamming it hard enough to break the glass.

Ian and Ray already had the Monopoly game put away and were unloading our things from the tent. I jumped in and helped them. We had the tent down and put in its bag in less than five minutes. I looked back toward the house, expecting my mom or dad to be there, but neither appeared. I took that as a measure of how much I meant to them.

I threw my sleeping bag and the tent toward the back door as Rayray deposited the game.

"Come on," I rasped gruffly.

Ian and Murray fell in next to me as we walked out of the back yard of what used to be my home. I didn't realize I was crying until a tear fell on my hand.

When we got to their house, Ian told me to go to bed, and that he would be in a few moments later. Murray sat with me while I waited. I could tell that he was uncertain of what to do or say as I sat there sniffling. Finally, he stood up, gave me a good, tight hug.

"I wish there was something I could do, Ben," he said softly in my ear. "I really, really do."

I hugged him back, barely keeping my emotions in check.

"Me too, Ray. Me, too."

He pulled back and watched me for a moment.

"Here's a stupid question, but are you going to be okay?" He asked.

"I don't know. Probably not."

Ian returned with his father in tow. Mr. Kettenger wore a concerned expression that spoke volumes. The man walked in and sat next to me.

"Boys, give me a moment, please." Ian, obviously wanting to stay, hesitated. "I have to ask him a few questions before you go to sleep."

"Okay, dad," Ian replied, and reluctantly closed the door.

"Your dad called me, Ben."

"Sorry," I apologized.

"Don't be, lad. He mentioned you said some things, and I want to know what you meant by them. You said you wished you were dead?"

I nodded, eyes downcast.

"Do you really mean that?"

I shrugged.

"Ben, be honest with me." Ed gently asked, "Are you going to hurt or kill yourself?" I shook my head. "Your not?"

"No. I made promises," I reported dejectedly.

Ed commented, "You don't sound happy about having made those promises."

I shrugged.

"If you hadn't made them, would you hurt or kill yourself right now?"

I shrugged again. Ed got off the bed and knelt before me, grasping my upper arms in his large hands.

"Listen to me, Benjamin," he said at his most serious. "There is nothing in this world worth hurting or killing yourself for. It is very important you understand that. There are people you can talk to, like me and Liz. You can call on us any time of the day or night. You know our phone numbers, and you have a key. Use them. And for God's sake, if you ever do think about hurting yourself, call me immediately, or call the Suicide Prevention Hotline (988). Call someone. Promise me."

"I promise," I said meekly.

He looked at me for a moment, and then pulled me into an embrace. He held me for a few moments, and as he did, I began to cry softly. Ed pulled me tighter against him and began to rock me slightly.

He whispered, "You are never alone, Ben. Never. I'll always be here for you. Understand me, boy? Always."

I managed to regain control of my emotions, and Ed released me. His smile did nothing to hide the worry he felt.

"I want you to get some sleep, Ben. Don't worry about getting up in the morning. Sleep as much as you want."

I nodded and sat on the bed again. Ed opened the door, and I saw Ian standing right there, close enough that he might have been listening. He stepped out of his father's way, but his eyes never left mine.

"Right to sleep, boys."

"Okay, Dad," Ian replied.

He shut the door behind him and began to undress for bed. I did likewise a few moments later. After I was down to my briefs, I turned out the light and climbed into bed. I lay on my back staring at the ceiling. Once again, tears rolled out of my eyes and fell on my pillow. Sniffling started soon after.

"Ben?" Ian queried quietly.

My sniffling increased, and a sob shook my body.

"Oh, Ben…"

Ian wrapped his arm around me and pulled himself closer. I rolled into him, burying my face in his shoulder as I began crying outright. He held me tightly and rested his head on mine as he shushed me. His fingers stroked my back and through my hair, and his body was molded to mine, providing the human touch I needed so much at that dark moment in my life.

That night, when I really needed it, I was not alone.



A Note from Dewey
     A silent epidemic is ravaging the nation and killing our kids. In the last 30 years, the suicide rate among teenagers has tripled. A recent survey indicated that 60% of high school students have thought of killing themselves. And every two hours, a young person succeeds in taking his or her own life.
     There is nothing in this world worth taking your own life for. Please, if you ever consider taking your own life for any reason, call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 988
     They are open around the clock, every day of the year. Make the call.



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