Om Apadamapa Hataram Dataram Sarva Sampadam Loka Bhi Raman Sri Rama Bhuyo Bhuyo Nanamyaham. They all chanted while sitting on the cold stone floor. Send your power of healing Rama, send it here to the earth. The temple felt full of energy this evening with the focus of twenty men praying for an end to war, violence and intolerance.

The Rinpoche had held a long meeting earlier in the day to discuss the non-violent approach they might take in protesting the killing grounds of Vietnam. And tonight, all across the country, many congregations of Buddhists were gathered to pray for an end to war. What an awesome display of faith, Alan thought.

America could engage in more self-destructive acts over there in Southeast Asia, but the impact here at home was an increasingly vocal group of citizens against the war. The Buddhists seemed to be moving forward, consolidating their efforts and Alan was pleased that John had brought him here to witness the beginning of their activism.

The Rinpoche was afraid their protests would sow anger and a thoughtless government would lash out, destroying the delicate balance of a nation. A nation not in harmony with itself was a desolate place indeed, he had been telling the assembled supplicants.

"We must understand that Buddhists will be seen as agitators, conceivers and planners of anti-war propaganda against the government. In truth, we are all these things and more, as any man of conscience must be to confront evil in all its forms. This decade we have watched as the nation suffered the loss of a President through senseless violence and began sending its children to inflict pain and suffering on a foreign people. We cannot allow America to stray from the path any longer. We must lend a hand and seek a way that will return this country to a peaceful course. We will be cursed and spat upon because there is little understanding of the Buddhist way. We must educate those who do not understand the Path."

Wow, Alan thought, he sounds a lot like Rennie Davis. Coming here with John had been a good move. Now he was finding the seeds necessary to start a grassroots level anti-war group amongst his peers at school. These dedicated men had experience in the art of peace-making.

Here in the frozen mountains of New York the Buddhist community was planning a campaign of love and understanding for the spring. But Alan had doubts that the effort by itself would be enough, something else had to happen.

It was hard for him to imagine that prayer alone would change the course of politics in Washington. Did they really think it would be that simple? No, the Rinpoche must have something else up his sleeve.

From what Alan had seen in the papers before they arrived, the SDS was taking a more direct approach. Student protests were beginning to disrupt universities across the country. Drawing attention to the cause was only the first step, at least that's what the literature had said would happen. Now there would be attacks against the ROTC military establishment on campuses and that would most certainly turn ugly.

But Alan's mind wandered back to the present once again as he felt the cold seeping through the cushion into his folded legs. He shifted them to get comfortable but found that impossible.

In two months John would be eighteen. Alan figured it would be the break point for any type of decision that might affect their lives together. But John would never join a student group if there was any plan of violence. If conflict arose would it push John away from him forever? He wasn't sure at this point. And then there was Namkhai to consider.

If the monk was that astute with his powers then he probably already knew what Alan was thinking. The whole thing he had experienced yesterday was almost too weird. Had he really conjured that vision up out of his own mind or had Namkhai used his powers to take him there just to prove a point? Jeeze Louise, it had all seemed so incredibly real. Damn, if he was capable of that what else could Namkhai do?

They had scheduled another session of meditation for this morning and Alan now knew it would probably be impossible to hide any knowledge from the man. But what kind of agenda did the guy have? Would they reject John because of the relationship? Too many unanswered questions and yet Alan already knew something valuable. Namkhai could never lie to him, he was sure of that. The holy man valued truth above all.

Arriving early for the appointment in the small library where they worked, Alan poured water in the brass teapot and set in on the gas burner to boil. He opened the book of Sanskrit translations and began to read.

"A very important understanding on the Path to Enlightenment is the practice of reliance on a spiritual teacher. The spiritual teacher is the root of all excellence. By continuous effort of body, speech and mind, a student of great faith recognizes this knowledge and does not observe in his teacher the slightest fault. Remember his vast kindness with deep gratitude, and honor him; make offerings to him, respect him in body and speech, and strive to put his teachings into practice."

The quote burned into Alan's brain. Was he being unfair to Namkhai? After all, the monk was supposed to be a lama, the Tibetan word for teacher. Maybe he was being foolish. Was he afraid of this man's powers only through ignorance? Just as a potential student had responsibilities to the lama, Alan was sure the lama had a greater responsibility to his students.

Alan felt the beginnings of a dull aching throb seep into the back of his head. Maybe he was coming down with a cold or something. The whistling of the teapot interrupted his thoughts and as he poured the steaming water over the tea leaves the door opened.

"Good Morning, Master Alan," Namkhai said.

"Good Morning, Lama Namkhai," Alan replied.

"Ah, I see you have been pursuing your reading assignments, this is very good. And what have you learned since yesterday?" he asked.

"I have learned that questioning the powers of a teacher can create fear in a student, even when the questions need answers," Alan replied.

Namkhai smiled as Alan poured them each a cup of the scalding tea, setting the sugar bowl in the center of the desk.

"So you know something about me. I expected as much would happen. It must worry you, I am sorry for the pain I have inflicted," he said.

"I think it was all for the best," Alan replied. "If I had known why you had come to Maryland before I came here my concerns might have scared me off. Now that I've seen how you treated Joshua, well, I trust you."

"I am honored," Namkhai said," and in all wisdom, I too have learned to trust you. The sharing of knowledge is the responsibility of a teacher, the use of that knowledge by his students is what determines if the teacher is good or bad. We had to test you, Master Alan. We had to be sure that a boy so young would accept the challenge. Joshua was adrift and you reached out to him, in turn he brought you some enlightenment and you discovered our interest in you."

"Me? I thought this was all about John? Didn't you bring us here to recruit him? Why would you be interested in me?" Alan asked.

"Ah, questions of importance, all of which beg for an answer. But first, I must give you a lesson about the power of the mind. There can be no understanding without knowledge of the circumstances that brought you here.

"In the past there have been many lamas who thought they knew the heart of the Buddha. Each put forth a certain number of teachings or practices as the way to achieve true enlightenment. The knowledge they attempted to share through the abhisheka, the ritual initiation, was not controlled and many dangerous and harmful ways were spread.

Only through the intercession of the yidam, a multitude of protective deities, were the people saved from these horrors and the Path restored.

"The unwary person who practices the sadhana, or rituals of darkness that obscure the mind, will always be consumed by them. For us the Tantra is the chosen path but the practice is strewn with many obstacles. It has become tightly controlled by a few who have gained the knowledge through Divine guidance. I am but a servant of the Nine, the true guardians of this knowledge."

There was a sudden silence in the room. Alan felt that the monk was searching for the best words to explain something complex. At that moment he also felt that Namkhai was not the only presence in the room besides himself. There was other conscious thought surrounding them, an incredible power seemed to envelop them.

"If you choose," Namkhai said," think of the universe as a great pool of water upon which lands a small pebble. As the ripples drift away from the object in ever widening circles then you may understand that we can feel those who have the potential. Your gift is what led me to you.

"As the ripples went away from your mind I followed them to their source. It is still infantile, untrained and unfocused. But if you will trust and allow me to guide you it will grow very quickly. Your mind has the ability to find a true path and thus the gift seeks to understand itself and that is why we are here at this moment."

"You seem to know more about this gift than I do," Alan said. "I suppose that all makes sense, but how will it affect me?"

"In truth all knowledge gives us power, how you use that power is the difference between healing and destruction. Remember, a young man's emotions run fast. As the tide of change takes place in your body, the mind is often the last to know what course of action you should take and therein lies the danger. You see, Master Alan, you are just like me."

"I am? But what…what does it all mean?" Alan asked.

"You have a great gift, a small portion of that which has developed," Namkhai said, a slight smile crossing his lips. "We have been waiting for you. You are very young to know of these things and that is of some concern to me. The Nine have charged me with deciding if you are capable of making the proper decisions or if the gift we wish to share will do harm."

"Share? Are there others?" Alan asked.

"Untold numbers of men and women carry the seeds of this gift and yet never see it blossom," he said.

"Many are blessed but few are chosen, "Alan replied.

"Something like that. Of the Nine, there are Five who believe all knowledge of such gifts should be withdrawn from everyone and allowed to vanish. I am the servant of one of the Four who believe it serves the greater good and was instilled by the Buddha for man to heal his wounds. Since there is no consensus among the Masters the wheel will continue to turn and that means you will have to make a choice."

Namkhai stopped there for a minute and gazed at him with a far off look in his eyes, Alan knew he was considering what to say next. He felt a little spooked out by what he had just heard and knew the monk had to be aware of this. Oh Lord, the man knew everything that was going on in his mind, now he was sure of that.

"It is good to be cautious," Namkhai suddenly said, "your mind is not willing to accept everything I tell you just yet, but you are curious. The Path did not come easy to those of us who use this gift, I felt much as you did when I began to learn. We haven't enough time together for you to gain all the knowledge or accept the beliefs that come with that learning. In the years ahead you will understand what I mean.

"But for now you have been chosen because I see you question life and the world around you. No man should take the first steps on the path to enlightenment without careful consideration of his reasoning. Only by strong determination, patience and the search for wisdom will you ever succeed. So you must make the choice to proceed and accept me as your teacher, the decision is yours. "

"But what if I should fail, what if I can't learn?" Alan asked.

"Then the gift will remain yours but the seed will be dormant and the flower will not blossom, "Namkhai said, perhaps sadly," it has happened many times."

"You've had many students?" Alan said," do many fail?"

"Yes, but only because they cannot be at peace with themselves and accept the conditions laid down in the teachings."

"What happened to them?" Alan asked.

"They are now perfectly ordinary people in many walks of life," Namkhai said.

"There is no penalty for failure, Master Alan. Only the loss of that knowledge which would have made them stronger.

"Understand clearly. Just as the Nine have the power to share knowledge, they are also capable of taking it away. It is certain mercy that those who did not succeed are unaware of their loss. It must be so to protect them from painful memories."

"So if I fail I will lose the gift forever," Alan said.

"You will be as you have always been, a young man with love in his heart and the ability to be empathetic to the troubles of others, would that be so bad?" Namkhai asked. "It would serve no purpose for you to remember all that I have told you."

"And you have the power to take it all away, just like that?"

"Just like that," Namkhai said," do you doubt me?"

"No sir, I have no reason to doubt you at all," Alan said. "But I think I would make a lousy monk."

Namkhai laughed and his eyes sparkled. "Yes, I believe you are correct on that point. Fortunately it will be unnecessary."

Alan was overwhelmed. The offer was probably the gravest responsibility he had ever faced in his whole life. The patient monk and a warrior of great power, was sitting before him and offering to share his wisdom. What an awesome power developing his gift would bring. Alan's mind was almost terrified at the thought but still, it was almost impossible to refuse.

This gift had been like an elephant on his back for eighteen years. If there was a chance, one tiny little chance, that he could learn to use this gift and wield that power, how could he say no? But it was doubt that finally made him speak.

"I am humbled by the trust you have in me," Alan said, "but I am the person who sits before you and nothing more. I am afraid to fail."

"In many ways you already use what has been given you," Namkhai said, his smile disarming. "I recall Joshua felt he needed to tell you his truth, as I am sure many others have also decided. All this is because you wanted to know, to heal their wounded spirits. I cannot expect you to stop your mind from embracing the life you have chosen, it will not be necessary for you to become a monk. The things you might envy in the simple life of a Buddhist monk exist in your world as well. I am not a seeker of purity in all other creatures of the universe.

"We are all flawed, Master Alan. I drink too much tea, I sleep too late, and I am distracted by pop music on the radio. And like His Holiness, the Blessed Wisdom that guides us, I have an obsession with games of sport. No one is perfect, young man, only the Buddha has accomplished perfection in his final incarnation."

"But I am homosexual, you must already know that. Isn't that frowned upon by your philosophy?"

"And so life is complicated, don't you see? Monks don't have the only key to the heavens, priests and ministers aren't the only ones who are enlightened, even if that is what some believe. A simple man is made by the path he chooses and the good he carries with him. You have a gift to heal others, do not take that lightly, it is yours to keep while you live in that body and if you are fortunate you will take that knowledge with you into the next life. We only offer the tools of understanding and control over the greater power your gift enables you to perform, there is nothing more."

"Can I think about it? Do you have to know right away?" Alan asked.

"It would be unwise of you to do other than contemplate the answer. Perhaps you might discuss this with your friend, Master John. He will certainly have an opinion about what you are being asked to do.

"I know he shares many of your thoughts about life, you have chosen wisely to keep some things from him for now. But he is also capable of great understanding and I feel he will be your best ally in making this decision.

"But do not think your love will make him stray from the Path, he is very committed to his beliefs and I think we both know that may cause difficulties between you. I can see your lives are written together and for this you are fortunate, love is the strongest motivator of success. Go now and share this knowledge with the one you keep close to your heart and may the peace of the Buddha guide you."

"And you, Lama Namkhai," Alan responded.

Alan discovered by talking with the secretary that John was still working with the Rinpoche and he surely didn't want to disturb that. No, he needed time to think and so he wandered into the dark temple building. Pushing open the large door, Alan found himself alone with the massive statue of the Buddha. Sitting cross-legged, since he still hadn't mastered the lotus position, his eyes stared up at the benevolent features.

What if he had control of this power, how would he be able to use it? He could see the down side, people might think he was a mind reader, but maybe he would be? Man, wouldn't that come in handy during a wrestling match, he could anticipate every move. Or what about for finals? He'd already know the answers.

Yeah right, what a childish waste of the gift, what if he could actually heal people? Should he become a doctor? No, rule that out, he was too emotional and fainted easily. So how about some more immediate goals?

The anti-war movement was the foremost issue he could think of, but what did he know about the real war? He would be a much better activist if he had some idea about what needed resisting. What if he could use his powers to spy on the Pentagon and learn their military secrets? Right, what a moron, he wouldn't know what to look for anyway. Maybe the gift would help him find the answer for its use?

Alan closed his eyes and focused on the feel of the temple. There was a chill in the air and the flowery smell of old incense. The room felt large to his mind's eye and then the smell became acrid and burned his nose. He felt the space closing in around him and began to feel fear. It became warmer and warmer, the air almost stifling as a white mist descended around him and he panicked.

The smell of smoke and rotting vegetation was mixed with something he could not identify. He heard voices and the crackle of radio static. Then suddenly there were moans of agony close at hand. Someone was dying.

There was an explosion followed by the rapid sound of rifle fire and the mist cleared from his mind. Alan found himself lying on his back, staring up at a canopy of trees along the edge of a clearing. The vegetation said jungle, and his mind really began to panic when he realized…this was Vietnam.

"Baker two-nine this is Alpha leader, what's your ETA to the evac zone?"

A garbled response and Alan tried to look towards the voices but his head wouldn't turn and his body trembled. Now he recognized the stench, it was blood mixed with human waste. He had shit in his pants. Pain shot through his lower body and Alan felt a great weight pressing down on his chest. Then it all passed and there was no feeling whatsoever.

"Stay still, private," another voice said above him but all the sounds around him were growing dim in his ears. "Chopper's coming, just keep still."

He saw the uniform out of the corner of his eye. The voice was attached to a medic. Oh God, he thought, the wounds…but how? Suddenly Alan realized, this wasn't his body and a shudder of relief went through him.

"Corporal Davies, pop two on the south perimeter," the first voice said, "make it green."

"Yessir, Lieutenant, two Christmas trees."

More radio static and a garbled voice.

"Chopper's two minutes out, LT," a hoarse voice said. The radioman's figure hovered at the edge of his vision.

"Tell 'em we got three wounded for pickup. Then call the CP and tell those fuckers we need replacements or I'm gonna bring the recon back to base now."

"Yessir."

Wounded, but where, who's body was this, why was he here? Alan saw flies buzzing around his face but couldn't feel them landing, why couldn't this body feel anything?

Moans of pain to his left and the medic passed through his field of vision once again. The dull thwacking sound of choppers approaching.

"Hey Tipton," the LT's voice, hard, emotional.

"Yessir?" The radioman's voice.

"He didn't make it…cover the body will ya, give the man some peace."

A shadow passed across his vision and Alan looked up at the face, this must be Tipton, why was he looking down at this man? Then the canopy of trees became obscured as the face was covered with a poncho. No, Alan screamed inside…noooo.

The realization was like a physical blow. He had been seeing all this from the inside of a dead man. Like a wraith he lifted himself out of this body just as hands pulled it onto a stretcher for the chopper ride. The vision began to fall apart as the white mist descended to obscure his view. He had one last glimpse of the scenery around him.

The mud and blood spattered medic tending his charges, the LT screaming into his radio above the noise of the nearby chopper blades and then Alan saw the radioman, Tipton.

The corporal stood watching the wounded and dead being carried off and ever so slowly went to his knees and crossed himself, his lips mumbling a prayer for his comrades. But it was his face that grabbed Alan's last fleeting second of attention as the scene went completely white. The radioman was crying, tears making rivulets across his dirt caked cheeks as he sobbed and somehow Alan knew. The body he had entered was more than a brother in arms, more than just friends. They had been lovers.

Alan's head hit the stone floor as he collapsed and he welcomed the distraction of the sharp pain in his skull. He couldn't move a muscle, his body was paralyzed, his nervous system overloaded. The image of the radioman stayed with him, etched in his mind and Alan began to cry. Oh, the loss that poor man had endured. This was real, it was happening right now he was sure and that made him even more upset.

Alan could feel the tears running down his face but he couldn't move a finger to wipe them away. He looked up at the Buddha's face but somehow it didn't look happy and benevolent towards him right now.

It may have been ten minutes or two hours, but Alan lay there until John found him.

"Alan, Alan…are you ok?" John said, but he looked terrified and rushed away for help.

John returned with the Rinpoche and Namkhai in tow from the offices next door. They pulled Alan into a sitting position and began to examine his head and limbs, the feeling was slowly returning to his body. John knelt before him and dabbed at his face with a wet towel, it came away with blood on it.

Namkhai and John supported him as they all walked slowly back to the office where Alan finally sat in a chair and the Rinpoche gave him tea.

"May I ask what happened?" Namkhai said.

"I saw death," Alan croaked, his vocal cords were as tight as the rest of his body.

John knelt at his side, his face ashen and close to tears.

"Tell us what you saw," he pleaded.

"I was thinking that I knew nothing of the pain and suffering endured in war and my mind took me there," Alan replied. He sipped at the tea to clear his throat. Then he told them everything.

"But what about you, it was like you were frozen stiff, why did your body do that?" John asked.

"It was a warning," Namkhai said," our young master traveled in his mind without the knowledge to control where he was going."

Alan could tell the monk was angry but the emotions did not show on his face. Then the Rinpoche said something to Namkhai in Tibetan and they came to some agreement.

"You must not journey with the Eye until your Lama says you are ready," the Rinpoche said.

"Yes sir," Alan replied. The two men turned to the door and were gone, he was alone with John.

"Oh man, I screwed up," Alan said.

"You know I believe in you, Alan, but this vision thing seems dangerous. Please, don't do it again. Namkhai knows what he's talking about.

"I promise. I was looking for you before I went in the temple. We really need to talk, John. But first, I have to truthful with you. Josh told me something last night. He said Namkhai knew about us before we even met."

"Huh? What's that mean?" John asked.

"Namkhai specifically came to Maryland and to that temple to meet us. He knew we'd be there. I know, it's weird. But it was me and this gift they keep talking about that drew him to us. It was like, I dunno, a magnetic force that attracted him but he was able to read it and that's why he was there."

"Awesome, he sure has some strange powers," John said.

"I'm sure we don't even know the half of it yet. I think I can walk now, let's go see Deeban."

John helped him up the tall stairs and once again they were in Deeban's magical place surrounded by the chirping birds. A pale afternoon sunlight poured through the windows and the sounds were like a soothing tonic for Alan's ragged nerves. The vision had taken a lot of energy out of his body and so he lay down in the warm sun, his head on John's lap.

Poor John, what was he going through in the name of love? Alan realized that if he trained himself it would be possible to look into John's mind, a total invasion of privacy. Was John worried that he might do something that disagreeable? Alan felt fingers comb through his hair, stroking him gently. No matter what his fears John cared for him deeply, he could never betray that trust.

"I've already asked the Rinpoche and we have permission to go outside the walls this weekend. Anything special you want to do?" John asked.

"That's a loaded question. How about a camp out?"

"Uh, I think it's pretty cold out there but I'll do a little research on the subject, ok? I think we should have a little time alone, Alan. Things are getting out of hand and we need to talk," John said.

"I couldn't agree more."

Alan cornered Namkhai after supper and apologized for making him angry. The monk accepted his words and then said that deeds would speak louder. He was handed a stiff bristle brush and a bucket of clean water.

"Go and clean the temple floor, your blood is on those stones," Namkhai commanded. "Show the Buddha how well you intend to follow the teachings of your lama. When you are done come and find me, then we will talk."

Alan entered the temple alone and bowed to the statue. He began by scrubbing the stones around the altar and had to fetch another bucket of water. The smooth surface of each piece of the floor was different. Every stone seemed to have its own special characteristics.

They had told him the place was built as a summer retreat for some wealthy merchant's family who had lived in Albany decades ago. Now the Buddhists had come and put up the walls and added this temple of simple bricks and mortar. He could see that the floor had been laid with special care and was sure some monk had overseen its construction with loving attention.

Alan didn't know how many buckets of water he had used but his hands and knees were sore by the time he reached the rear wall. Looking back across the floor at his handy work he saw Namkhai sitting on the steps to the altar. Alan put the brush in the bucket and silently walked across the damp stones to sit at his feet.

"You have done well," the monk said," this place has never been so clean. Do you know the names of each stone?"

"I didn't know they each had a name but I sure know what each one looks like now," Alan replied.

"That is the same thing. I recognize you by your name and your face. If I was told to find you I would go looking for your face, knowing that it would match the name, do you see? It is the same with those who seek Enlightenment. We can each discover the name of the place we seek but until we know its face the whereabouts will always be a mystery."

"So until I know what my gift really is I will never find it just by knowing its name," Alan said.

"This is most true, that is why you must learn before you leap. Did I say this correctly?"

"Close enough, look before you leap means the same thing in this situation," Alan replied.

"You have had time to think about your error this morning, what have you concluded?" Namkhai asked.

"I thought the vision would help me discover how best to use this gift, I should have known I can't control it yet. I was truly concerned that my knowledge of war was inadequate, that is what the vision became after it started. I understand now it is wrong to cast my mind to the wind in search of answers."

"A wise decision on your part," Namkhai said. "What we have been calling the gift is known as the Inner Eye of the Mind. As you now know it can capture your body and create great harm to your physical being. It is enough for now that you know this harm can mean an attack on yourself or others in a very real physical way. Not only can the master of this Eye see into the thoughts and feelings of others he may change those attributes of human behavior."

"But…why me, Lama Namkhai, what have I done to deserve this?"

"Many have these abilities in a small way. Consider those who have great intuition. But these persons will never develop their power. You have already gone far beyond that first level and I feel it was my error in not seeing how fast you had progressed. It will all become clear if you accept the training."

"I want to…but it still frightens me how easily it comes upon me."

"We know there are six levels of the power but none of the Nine has ever gone beyond the fifth level, except for one," Namkhai said. "Five hundred years ago it is recorded that a great Lama who was one of the Nine achieved the sixth level. He vanished into the air and was never seen again, his fate remains a mystery. It is said he achieved Nirvana and is beyond the mortal universe. I am not so easily persuaded and would personally rather leave this earth in a more conventional manner and then wait to be reborn."

"You know I am not a Buddhist, how can I be trained?"

"Your heart is Buddhist, Master Alan. You see and feel as I do about many things. Is it not enough that a man seeks knowledge in the company of wise men? In time you may seek me out and express a desire to become Buddhist, I do not know. But your mind demands my attention, and you need to begin the training."

"How long will that take?"

"It may take a lifetime to understand or many lifetimes but only a little time to learn control. My life has been focused on the Eye for thirty years. If you accept we will begin and I can tell your time will be much shorter. There is but one thing which might delay your training. I may be chosen to become one of the Nine. My future is not known to me. I would be honored to have you as my student. I know you would wish for me to make this decision for you but I cannot, it is not our way."

"I haven't even had time to discuss this with John, and I have to do that," Alan said.

"I understand, take the time you need. We will speak of this again."

He got up from the step and went out the side door of the temple. Alan stared at his hands, how did he ever get himself into this? He glanced up at the Buddha but saw no answers forthcoming, he needed time with John to sort this out.

Heading back to the sleeping cell, Alan discovered his body ached from the events that had tortured it today. John was sitting under the bare bulb, reading the fine lines off the pages of an old book. Alan supposed he could tell the boy it was going to ruin his eyes but then he already had a mother. John closed the book as he came in.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"The punishment detail is over if that's what you're asking, I really screwed up today. But we gotta talk. Namkhai wants me to start training and I'm beginning to feel the pressure."

John patted the sleeping bag beside him and Alan crawled painfully up on the sleeping pallet.

"You took a beating today too," he said, "lie down and let me work the stiffness out of your muscles."

Alan was in no mood to resist. Besides he knew John had magical fingers that would ease the source of the pain. Thanks to those massages, Alan had managed to survive most of the wrestling season. John began with his neck and worked down across his back. This was the moment when he usually got a roaring erection from John's touch, tonight even that failed to happen.

"So if you accept the training I guess you'll have to be spending some more time up here?" John asked.

"Probably," Alan groaned," but aren't the Rinpoche and Namkhai going to be down in Washington in a few months for the spring anti-war campaign? Would you object if I had to come back here?"

"Not at all, maybe I could get my Dad to let me come along?"

"I don't want to do any of this without you, John. Without you I wouldn't have been able come this far. Oh, my right knee is so sore."

John worked on his legs and finally Alan felt a sense of relief. He must have fallen asleep from exhaustion right about then because he woke up in the middle of the night. The definite urge to piss had brought him back to consciousness and the discovery that he was naked in his sleeping bag. But he wasn't alone either, John had zipped the two bags together and his flesh pressed tightly against Alan's back. Stumbling out into the freezing darkness, Alan shot a stream of water into the bucket before diving back into the warmth of the sleeping bag.

"Man, your feet are cold," John mumbled. "But don't get any ideas just cause we're all skin in here."

"Hey, you did this, not me," Alan replied. "I can hold out as long as you can."

"Lookin forward to it, now go back to sleep," John sighed.

The following afternoon, it was Namkhai who suggested they climb up to the isolated meditation hut on the side of the mountain. It was supposed to be a crude dwelling but it had a stove and a supply of firewood handy. There was even a sweat bath built nearby which they would find most refreshing, he suggested. Alan hoped the monk wasn't thinking about their physical needs but then realized if he wanted to he would know and nothing could stop him.

They packed some bread and cheese, along with water and a good supply of tea. Fortunately it all fit on one pack frame which John volunteered to carry, Alan was still a bit sore. The sun was just rising over the trees on Saturday morning when they set off on the road, the destination was only a three or four hour hike away and the trails were clearly marked

After hiking for almost an hour, the road ended and a fire trail began, winding around the ridge of the mountain. At this point they could look back down into the valley and see the monastery snuggled amongst the trees in the distance. This was all Buddhist land and they would only be at the far limit of the property when they arrived at the hut.

Namkhai had told them the monks often hiked around the perimeter just to be sure their wildlife wasn't being poached and that the trails were clear. But that was summertime work, now everything was quiet and still except for the crunch of their boots in the snow.

They came to a slash in the hillside and saw the small Buddhist symbol on a plaque fastened to a tree, here the trail turned off and climbed the hillside. The hut had been built on the eastern face of the mountain to catch the first rays of the morning sun. Alan knew this must have some religious significance but was afraid to ask, his ignorance of Buddhist beliefs was something that still embarrassed him.

John knew so much more but even he expressed dismay at all the things he didn't know about his chosen way of life. Maybe this would be a chance for them both to grasp more? Alan had been reading an awful lot this past week, the material still tumbling in his mind.

The person known as Siddhartha Gautama was the Buddha of the modern age. Alan was shocked to learn that there may have been many Buddhas in the past and certainly more to come in the future of the universe. Buddhists didn't believe in creation, as such. Their belief was that the universe had always been here. The wheel of life had turned uncountable times before the human race just happened to come along during one of the revolutions.

This fed their belief of being reborn again and again. Alan had to admit there was a great appeal in believing he had been here before and would keep coming back until he became enlightened. Buddhists seemed to have it made in the hereafter. They were given so many chances to get it right before retiring to the heavens and achieving nirvana.

The silence of the woods inspired thought for them both, John was just as inwardly focused, and Alan wondered what he was thinking. He began to mentally recite the Four Noble Truths of Buddhist philosophy. They were the most basic, simple ideas.

Life is suffering

The origin of suffering is ego.

There is a way to the cessation of suffering

This Way is the Eightfold Path:

Right Understanding, Right Thinking, Right Speech, Right Attitude,

Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration.

This manual for existence was much simpler than the one cranked out by those camping-in-the-woods-every-weekend-in-uniform guys. And to think he had almost joined that group when he was a kid.

The Eightfold Path said it all and in a whole lot clearer terms than the Ten Commandments old Moses came up with on that mountain in the movie of the same name. But as with religions, this philosophy didn't favor gays either, none of them did.

Alan had always felt left out because God, in his many perceived forms, had deemed it necessary to create men who loved men and then created the preachers that condemned what seemed to be His finest work. So what's a poor gay kid gonna do, start his own religion?

He walked into a tree.

"Watch your step," John said.

"Nothin like a little bark for lunch," Alan laughed, rubbing his nose.

"I think we're almost there, at least we're almost at the top of the rise," John said.

He was right, several minutes later they reached the end of the path and the valley on the other side spread out before them. A tumble of rocky slopes covered in green pine dominated the view, it was beautiful. If they had been looking for the perfect place to be isolated this was it. Just them and the bears…John had been joking about bears, right? Amidst a small grove of trees sat the rustic little hut and it looked incredibly tiny.

The little hut on stilts was only about six feet square inside but the sides were well caulked to keep out the wind. John soon had a fire going in the small iron stove to create warmth. While Alan made tea, John brought in some more wood from the pile outside.

There were no comforts provided except for the saw to cut timber, an axe to chop the wood into kindling and a sharp pointed shovel to dig a hole out back as a latrine. Alan tried to make a decent hole but the ground was still frozen so he settled for a shallow trench.

The hot tea and a cheese sandwich tasted mighty good after the climb up here. The sun was straight up in the sky but the temperature was still only about twenty-five degrees. The exertion of the climb had kept them warm but now it felt pretty cold just standing around outside.

They took turns chopping enough wood to get them through the night and then went looking for a few trees that might be down to replace the stockpile. There were animal tracks here and there. Gratefully none of them were bear paws.

John identified the trail of a fox, a few rabbits and even deer. There was a small stream not too far from the hut so he thought they might see the deer coming to drink in the early morning if they were real quiet.

Alan discovered the sweat lodge and cleaned out the old cobwebs and leaves the wind had blown inside. He swept the floor with pine boughs and hauled the seven good sized stones back out to the metal barrel where they could be heated. It was a simple affair, stones were piled on top of the barrel and a fire lit. When they were hot the stones could be rolled into the lodge and the doorway sealed. Throw a few handfuls of snow on the rocks and that's when the sweating really began.

The Scandinavians would sweat themselves until they couldn't stand it anymore and then plunge into frigid water or roll in the snow. It sounded crazy but Alan guessed they would soon find out.

John suggested they wait until suppertime before experiencing the sweat lodge. Then they wouldn't have to dress up again when they retreated into the hut for the night. It was agreed so they spent the afternoon wandering the hillside, but as the sun began to dip it was just so damn cold they started a fire under the stones.

In less than half an hour the stones were hot and John tipped the barrel over. With fresh pine boughs they coaxed the rocks inside the lodge. Shivering at the sudden cold, both of them threw their clothes into the hut and raced naked across the snow, plunging into the heat of the lodge.

There was barely enough room for them to sit and Alan swore that the rocks were glowing red hot. The resinous steam made the closed space feel oppressively hot and they immediately began to sweat.

"This is real S & M," Alan laughed after about five minutes.

"You want me to put some snow on the rocks?" John asked.

"No, we're supposed to beat each other with pine branches. Sounds pretty kinky if you ask me."

"I'll pass on that," John said.

"How long do you think we can last in here," Alan asked.

"I've almost had enough already. I'm just reluctant to go rolling in the snow and freeze my balls off," John laughed.

"I'll bet we don't even feel the cold after this," Alan said.

Sweat was pouring off them both and yet the stones showed no sign of cooling down. Alan rubbed pine needles across John's back and shoulders and had the favor returned. Both boys seemed to have had enough. John gave a grimace.

"Time to cool off," he said and pushed his way out the door.

Alan couldn't feel the cold as he lay down in a virgin patch of snow and began rubbing the sweat off his body. But slowly his skin temperature lowered and the handful of white powder began to bite. The sun was almost at the horizon now and the night air would be in the teens.

"Bath's over, time to get warm," he yelled but John was already scrambling up the short ladder into the hut. They shared a towel in the crispy warmth from the little stove. Alan heated more water for tea and made a couple cans of soup. That and some of the bread would be their dinner.

"Back at the monastery the monks will be saying the mantra," John said," do you feel like meditating tonight?"

"I don't know if I should, what if something happens?" Alan replied.

"Is it that hard to control? We've meditated lots of times without you having any visions."

"I suppose I could. Just keep an eye on me."

"I'm always aware of you, my love," John said.

It had been a week since John had called him that and it felt so good to have their love validated once again. Their sleeping bags covered the entire floor from wall to wall and served as their carpet and dinner table. Alan propped himself up against the outer wall and relaxed with his cup of tea. John sat there in front of him with his eyes closed, his features composed. He was really beautiful like this, Alan noticed, all that brown hair spilling down across those powerful shoulders, a young Buddha.

"We have to talk about what's going on sometime," Alan began. "At first I thought it was you the monks had come to find and it scared me, John. I have all these crazy mixed up fears about losing what we have if you become a monk. Maybe I'm being selfish but I've lost out before and I think we have about the closest thing to nirvana I could ever hope to find. Do you think I'm being selfish?"

John smiled," You're the least selfish person I know. Sure I'm fascinated by Buddhist philosophy and the lifestyle is very appealing, that's all in their favor. But I'm happiest when I spend time with you, Alan. You've allowed me to grow into this relationship at my own pace, even though I know it must frustrate you sometimes. How selfish can that be?"

"I figure that it's probably too soon for you to make a choice like that anyway," Alan said. "We're both too young to make lifetime commitments to just about anything. The only thing I know for sure right now is that I'm gay and I love you. My life doesn't demand anything else, or at least it didn't until we came here."

"Maybe that's the source of your fears, this gift and all it means…do you even know what it means?"

"Namkhai has told me a little, enough so that I know it's the biggest thing that's ever happened to me. I guess my worry is that it might come between us, even though he says I can share everything with you."

"Wonder why he trusts me so much?" John said.

"Because of our love and because it takes more than the gift to use these powers," Alan replied. "I may feel that you're the most gifted, beautiful boy in the whole world but without the seed of this feeling inside a person it can't be used."

"So I'm involved in this?"

"Yes. You make me focus. It's like, well, like you cause the flow of energy that I use. Say, I am the flashlight and you are the battery inside of me."

"And what things will you be able to do?"

"Feel the thoughts of others and heal the forces of destruction within a person. Maybe that's too simplified. I don't know the whole picture just yet. But I get the sense that what I did to myself in that vision of death was just a sample of the impact this Inner Eye of the Mind can have on others.

"It scares me, John, and yet it has such appeal…think of the good I could accomplish. Namkhai is only the messenger, a servant to one of the Nine Masters who control this practice. They trace this power back a thousand years or more…and that's all I really understand so far but that's awesome."

"It sounds like you want to go ahead with this," John said.

"Not unless you agree that I should. I don't want anything like this to come between us. That's my greatest fear. I don't want to wake up one morning and discover that you are afraid of me, jealous of me or worry that I will ever use this against you in any way. Namkhai knows I am awfully young to study these teachings. I want to be able to tell him that I'll do it but only if you agree to help me decide when and where to use it."

"You want me as a partner?"

"Haven't I always?" Alan said. "It's not just love that binds us but faith in each other as well. I have faith that you'll be supportive and guide me in the use of the Eye. With you guiding then I know it will always be used for good."

John leaned over and kissed him. It had been quite a while since this solid display of affection had been shared between them. Kissing had been where it all began as John slowly learned that he could have affection for another boy and love it. Now their arms clasped each other.

"Oh man, I've missed doing that," John gasped when he came up for air.

"Well if you want time to meditate then we'd better stop this right now or I'll slip over the edge and there'll be no turning back," Alan grinned.

"Yeah, you're right, let's wait a while. I think we should both think about the problem you're facing," John said.

"The problem we're facing, partner," Alan corrected him. "You get us started."

John placed himself in lotus position and began breathing deeply before starting the chant. Alan closed his eyes and in a few moments found himself drifting with the mantra. He told himself there would be no vision today. He just wanted to be here with John in a relaxed, loving and worshipful way. Ahh yes, he worshiped John's body as a temple and craved the touch of their flesh as they shared love.

Alan never saw the white mist cloud his view in warning, maybe it didn't happen this time because the object of the transference was only three feet away. But he suddenly began moving forward, as if his body was reaching out for John. His fingers came in contact with John's skin and they both began to glow, a sparkling aura that seemed to gather itself from the very air around them.

It was hard to fathom if this was real or only mental, but it didn't seem to matter, he was touching John with loving hands. John's eyes opened, his arms reached out, embracing Alan as their faces, lips and fingers entwined. But it didn't seem to stop there.

The touch of their flesh seemed to energize them both. Clinging together, they sprawled on the floor, John lying on top and between Alan's legs. John's erection was demanding, overpowering in its assertion. Alan's hand reached down, urging him, guiding him as John began to thrust.

The glow around their bodies increased, intensifying and pulsing with every heartbeat they now shared. John pushed down, down into the depths and Alan felt himself opening, allowing the boy into the very core of his being.

Alan thought there could be no way they could become closer and then John moved inside, their bodies melding into one. They were becoming that which Alan had wished for most of all, the everlasting creature of his dreams, eternal love bound by a single flesh. The aura engulfing them blazed like a miniature sun as they thrilled in the ecstasy of being One.

The feeling was beyond all imagination, and John cried out in joy as his orgasm swept them both beyond their worldly human desires and into the realm of the gods. They burst as one, gasping for breath and completely lost in a feeling no words could even begin to explain.

A knot of wood exploded in the wood stove and the aura vanished. Alan was once again sitting there, facing the object of his love in all his human glory.

It was hot in the tiny hut, sweat once again pouring down them both in great rivulets. John's eyes were wide open and so was his mouth, he was drooling. Alan felt a warmth bathing his crotch and dripping down his inner thighs. The realization came, he had ejaculated all over himself.

He looked at John whose stomach and crotch were both soaked with seed. The inflated cock still pulsed in John's lap and little drops of semen still bubbled from the swollen flesh. The hut smelled of raw passionate sex and Alan knew now the gift had visited them once again.

"Uh...oh...man," John stammered. "Was that real?"

"I...I guess I did a mind thing," Alan said.

"Oh man, it was...it was awesome. Oh shit, I came all over the place," John said, his fingers touching the slimy juices sliding down his belly. "But Alan, I feel guilty, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, it should never have happened."

"Probably, but I wouldn't have missed that for the world," John laughed, "You know why I feel so guilty? I made this happen."

"I promised Namkhai I wouldn't use the Eye, it could have been harmful to us both," Alan said. "We never even touched, and yet we merged body and spirit. I'm sorry, John, we shouldn't be enjoying my failure as a student."

"Yeah, no...you're right. But, Alan, it happened because of my feelings, didn't it?"

"We both seemed to have put ourselves into it," Alan replied.

"I have to think about this," John said. "Maybe I've repressed my sexual feelings towards you too long."

"Maybe next time we'll find out. If you want to, that is."

"Fine, I believe I do. I've never felt like that before, it was better than I even imagined. But there is no comparison, is there? Thank you."

"Yeah, sure. Next time we should just do it the old fashioned way, like with our bodies instead of our minds."

"I believe this happened for a reason, Alan. The desire to express our love physically was unequal before this moment. Now that has changed. Our minds are closer together and I'm on your side."

"But it will have to be physically real too," Alan said.

"It always did and I'm not afraid of that anymore."



On to Chapter Eleven

Back to Chapter Nine

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Singer Without a Song is © 2005 - 2006 by Chris James.
    This work may not be duplicated in any form (physical, electronic, audio, or otherwise) without the author's written permission. All applicable copyright laws apply. All individuals depicted are fictional with any resemblance to real persons being purely coincidental.


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