- 1995 -

"Hey, you. Where have you been hiding lately?"

I turned around and found myself face to face with my friend Robert who was standing next to the bar. I had decided to take the night off and head-out to the local gay bar to just relax with a couple of drinks and not worry about having the energy and mood to service anyone.

"I've been pretty busy with stuff. You know how it goes: work, trying to finish school, pay bills, blah blah," I smile back.

"Cool. Just hadn't seen you around in a while. I was beginning to think that you had dropped of the face of the planet or at least left town," he added while sipping his beer. He waved his beer around the room and then said, "So, you think you gonna score with any of these beauties here tonight?"

I looked down at my feet and laughed at the comment. Robert didn't know what I did on the side to keep myself in school. If he did, I'd hope he would understand that the last thing I want to do is come out and find another meaningless trick. But I didn't want him probing so I answered that the thought had crossed my mind.

"You see anyone in particular that catches your eye?" Robert said with a sly grin on his face. I knew what that smile meant, especially when it was coupled with having had a few or 5 beers. Robert has a hard time keeping it a secret that he likes me. Well, let me qualify that: what he really wants is to fuck my brains out. Don't get me wrong. He's not like some of those insufferable men I have to put up with to make a living. Robert's way of flirting with me is cute and something I can handle really easily. Besides, he's one of the few friends I have out in the gay community and I don't want to lose the very few I have.

I decide to put on my best little boy smile which seems to always get me what I want and say, "Oh there's always someone in particular catching my eye, Robert. The thing is do I really want to be caught so soon and so early on nights like tonight. It'd be a shame not to enjoy it and see what other beauties might wander in." I figure to let him down gently by sounding still somewhat flirty.

He leans in closer and I can smell Anheuser-Busch on his breath, "You know, you really know how to work on old queen like me. Just because I'm 40 years old, work a blue collar job, and have had my glory days of driving down the highway shirtless in open jeep pass me over doesn't mean I've forgotten how to take a good-looking guy like you and show him a good time. Experience and age have a lot to say for themselves even if the package they come in is a bit worn and in a size 36 waist."

Ok, so I had to laugh. "Ok Robert, one night I just might have to find out what age and experience can do for me. And when that night comes, I promise you that you'll be the first one I'll go to for a demonstration," I say still smiling as I sip the last of my drink.

He holds my gaze for a second too long when I start to worry that I have offended him; thus, losing another ally in my lonely life. But, then he breaks into a grin and says, "Damn, Carlos, you are too fucking smooth. So smooth that I think I'll buy you a drink. That's how good you are. You shoot me down but you let me keep my dignity. I genuinely appreciate that," he says and proceeds to order me another Tanqueray and tonic.

"Seriously, though," he begins to ask as he hands me my drink, "is there someone special in your life right now? Now, don't think I'm still coming on to you or anything. I just wonder what a guy like you is doing running around in a gay bar instead of at home in some other cute 20-something's arms."

My smile drops a little and my eyes instinctively look away from Robert. Never before had he asked me a serious personal question. Most of our interaction had been to talk about superficial crap like the latest movies or the new bar-back the club just hired. He'd never before shown an interest in really getting to know me. I guess I'm feeling a little of that shock I got when someone else had shown some interest in my life.

"Well?' he probes further waiting for an answer.

Reverting to my best form I look back at him and smile, "I guess I'm too busy having fun and getting to know all the boys before it gets time to where I can't ride shirtless in a jeep."

Robert frowns, pushing aside my obvious attempt to redirect the conversation. "No, Carlos, really. You are a great guy from what I can tell. You're beautiful, smart, take care of yourself, and seem to have a handle on what you want to do with your life. You should be with someone who really cares about you and whom you care about just as fucking much," he says earnestly. "About the only thing I can see wrong with you is that you don't let anyone in. You're one of the most extremely guarded people I know. Every time I see you out it's like there's you and then the shield around you. I've seen many a poor fool try and break through that and walk away with their tails tucked between their legs - me included. Don't be afraid to let people in or you'll wake up one day just like me at 40."

I stand there listening to things I haven't already contemplated myself. I have wondered what my life would be like when I am older. I've no illusions that I'm going to stay young and fit and desirable forever. As Robert's beauty and days of glory have passed, so will mine in due course. I know that there will come a time when men will no longer find it necessary to pay to have sex with me. As a matter of fact, sometimes I can catch glimpses of myself in some of the older and kinder men who are my regular clients. One day, it will be on the other side looking at a handsome young guy looking to make a quick easy buck.

"Robert, it's not that I'm afraid to let anyone in my life," I say beginning to lie. "I just don't feel like settling down. I want to go out and grab life by the balls and milk them for all their worth. Can you blame a guy of my age for that? Come on, even you yourself went around tricking with the best looking guys in your day."

Pointing the bottle of beer to my chest he replies, "Yes, I'll admit I liked to fuck around in my day. There's nothing wrong with that. Just don't let that be all there is."

"I promise I won't," I say knowing that I've no intention of keeping that promise. It's much better to plan for a life alone where you have only yourself to count on than to give your heart to someone and then watch it be smashed again.

- 1987 -

"Nerd! Get the fuck away from here you skinny ass snitch! Go back to your side of the wall!" yells Becky, one of Claudia's lackeys as I approach Cal in the school courtyard. Our high school is one of those schools that's all open air. To get from one class to another you actually have to go outside and go from building to building. In the middle of the school are two huge pecan trees that are enclosed by a low, raised brick wall. The wall is a big rectangle that holds in the dirt for the tress. On any given day before classes started, the "wall" would seat a hundred students or so. There are certain sections of the wall that were prime real estate. These spots are reserved for the more popular students of our high school. Naturally this meant the G/T class.

I ignore Becky and continue on towards Cal who is sitting next to Sandy and Tammy. Although they were one of those who gave me a hard time back when the whole snitch thing was still fresh in everyone's mind, they had left me alone me in the past year. Despite that, I am still very weary and guarded when I'm around them.

"Hey, how's it going?" I ask Cal while white knuckling my books.

"Hey, pretty good," he grins back. "I'm getting ready to go to advanced Chemistry and get a start on my lab."

Tammy and Sandy ignore me, which I take as a blessing. They won't tell how nervous I am talking to Cal. I'd spent all night after I hung up with him trying to figure out how I was going to handle being around him. I thought I'd just start shying away from him, but I quickly realized that that was not an option. There's no way I can go through a day and purposefully ignore him after all the hell I went through the past few months trying to deny what I feel for him. And here he is risking his newfound popularity by talking to me. So I decided that I was going to just keep on hanging around him like before. If anyone were going to break this friendship off, it would have to be him. And I am laying some serious emotional collateral that he won't do that.

"Cool." I say. "Wanna hang after school today at your place?" I ask in a hushed, rushed voice hoping that by somehow speaking in a whisper that my real feelings for him wouldn't be heard.

"Yeah, sure. Bring your trunks over and we can go for another swim," he said while gathering his books.

At that moment it didn't matter that I was standing on the "wrong" side of the wall. You ever get this feeling of euphoria when someone you care about does something so seemingly insignificant and simple for you and to you it was like they'd taken a bullet for you? Well that's me now. Damn, it's all so different today - so intense, yet exciting. I mean, like I said last night, we've spent a lot of time together and I've asked to do things together before, but that was before.

"Ok, I'll go home right after my last class and grab my trunks," I say beginning to walk backwards away from him with a huge grin on my face. All of a sudden the back of my foot catches something and I pitch backward on my ass. My books fly everywhere and my glasses slip down to my mouth.

"Watch your step, skinny snitch," sneers Becky. She had stuck her foot out to trip me. The rest of the G/T class sits there and laughs out loud - Claudia laughing the loudest.

As bad as it seems, I've been subjected to worse pranks than this. I pick myself and defiantly stare back at them. I'm not going to give them satisfaction of showing them they had gotten to me. I turn and look at Cal. It looks like he's half gotten up to come help me but stopped in mid-air. Again, with those eyes. I feel that warm blanket being to wrap my heart. He gives me a slight smile and nods as I get up and walk away.

Ok, many of you are wondering what the fuck I see in this guy who doesn't seem to stick up for me when it counts. Maybe, to you it's not enough that Cal just smiled and sat there when I was tripped. Why, if he was my friend, didn't he stick up for me some more? Why didn't he say something? Am I totally imagining everything? The thought has crossed my mind, actually. But, I guess I should give a little more history of my friendship with Cal. Maybe that will shed some light for you.

When we met I was not in a good place in my life. The whole thing with Claudia had just gone down when he was transferred into the G/T classes. While the rest of class was having their fun taking their revenge, he took me in. As we became closer I got to know him and even wanted to be more like him. And there were other times I can mention. Like the time when took care of me when I was sick and my parents were out of town, or the times he's called me on a random Wednesday night during summer vacation and asked me out to the movies. I'd just been so stubborn and clueless before last night. Now I realize how special he'd really made me feel.

As the snickers die down I walk towards my locker to get my notebooks for my morning classes. Then, I run into Anna. Fuck! What am I going to do about Anna? How am I going to get anywhere with Cal when I have her to worry about? I know it's not her fault that I'm gay (yikes! Did I just say that? It's gonna take a while before I can get used to that. Hell, I need to understand what exactly that means for me first). Anna deserves someone who'll genuinely want to be with her.

"Hey, Carlos, how are you? I saw what those assholes did. Are you ok?" she asks with concern.

I smile back and say, "Yeah, I'm ok. It's nothing new with those guys. I'm used to it."

"Still, they should grow up. What happened with Claudia is ancient history. I guess they have nothing better to do with their shallow lives than to pick on other people," she says tenderly placing her palm of her hand on my cheek. Her touch feels so good, but I can't help but think what it would be like if it were Cal's hand on my face. "By the way, I saw that Cal didn't even stick up for you. Why are you still hanging around with someone like that? That's not what I call a friend," she adds.

"I'm not worried about it. I can take care of myself," I reply not knowing what to say to her and not make her suspicious of my feelings for Cal. "I don't need him to fight my battles."

"I know but a friend should stick up for another when they're in trouble."

Just then, Claudia and her friends file by and smirk at us. "Anna, you know, we all think you deserve extra credit grade points or something for having to stoop to this snitch's level and even be here talking to him. How you can even touch him is beyond me." Claudia moves in closer places her hand on Anna's arm, "Listen, when you decide that you've done your bit for humanity by hanging with this loser, you're more than welcome to hang with us."

Anna grabs Claudia's hand like it was diseased and shoves it back. "Fuck off, bitch. I'd never want to hang with someone as shallow, fake, and petty as you. I really feel sorry for you."

"Fine, do whatever you want. Just don't expect us to offer this invitation again," says Claudia as she flips me off and walks off with her entourage.

"I just want to rip their heads off sometimes," grits Anna through her teeth.

"Hey, hey, calm down," I try and soothe her. "Don't let them get to you. I try and not let them get to me too much."

"I know, but it kills me to see them treat you like that. And, I know there are times that it really does get to you. I can see it in your eyes how hurt you are sometimes."

She's right. As much as I put up a brave front sometimes it just gets to be too much when you are constantly getting barraged by the likes of Claudia. "I know. Thanks for sticking up for me. I guess I've gotten so used to it that I don't even feel like responding anymore."

She grabs my hand and says, "Come on. Let's get to Art class before the bell rings."

"Ok," I reply. Gawd, she's so awesome. Why can't I love her? Why did this happen to me? Why? No matter how hard I try I can't force myself to feel what I used to feel for her. Something in me has changed and I can't go back. Yet, she deserves much better than this - so much better than me. I can't stand the thought of hurting her like that. Aside from Cal she's the only other person who's given a damn. I give a heavy sigh that catches Anna's attention. She gives me this questioning look and I just shrug it off as nothing. Whew! For a second I thought she had been reading my mind. I guess the other set of problems I traded in for are starting to settle in and make themselves at home in my head. Shit, I wonder what else is in store.

The rest of the day passes pretty much like all the others - name calling and the like. The only thing keeping me going is my swim 'date' with Cal later this afternoon.

- 1995 -

I'd had a good time chatting with Robert tonight after he finally decided to drop the personal inquisition. After a while, I struck out on my own and started cruising the place and came across some really cute guys. They looked like they had been enjoying a great Friday night out after a long workweek. There was this one guy who seemed like he was interested in me. He was tall (about 6 foot), had blue eyes, blonde hair, was dressed sharp like he was a banker or something. You know the type: a frat boy who had done well for himself after graduating from college. There was something about him that made me want to take a chance and meet him. Maybe Robert was right. I just had to give people a chance.

We kept looking at each other and smiling as we kept 'running' into each other as he walked around the bar with his friends and I did the same alone. I kept trying to get the courage to say something each time we bumped into each other, but I'd freeze at the last second and keep on walking. We did this dance for about an hour till I lost sight of him. I started walking out of the place to head home thinking that I had lost my chance when I felt someone lightly tap my shoulder. I turned around and there he was.

"Hi," he said smiling.

"Hi," I said shoving my hands into my jacket and looking around nervously.

"My name is Stan. How are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm Car...Carlos," I said stumbling on my words. "I'm doing good. Um, yourself?"

"Good. Good. So, listen what are you doing? Heading home already?"

"Um, yeah," I say looking at him and smiling nervously. "I have to get some stuff done early tomorrow morning and I'd thought I'd get a good's night rest."

He suddenly reached out and touched my face and said, "You know, you're so cute."

I blushed furiously and said thanks.

"Are you sure you need to go home already?" he asked.

"Well, uh no, not rea..." I said before he cut me off.

"Cause I think I could have a good time getting to know you," he said pulling me closer to him. His face was just inches away from mine.

I was beginning to feel heady. Wow! Robert was right. You just have to give people a chance. "Really," I say grinning down to my shoes with embarrassment.

"Yeah, really. As a matter of fact I think my friends would also have a good time getting to know you too," he added.

"Oh yeah? Are y'all going somewhere in particular after you leave here," I said thinking they were going to an all night coffee shop or something like that. "I can meet y'all there."

He got a confused look on his face. "Uh, no. We're thinking we could get a hotel room near here or if you have a place that's cool, we could go there."

The color drained from my face as I stared back at him. "Wh... what do you mean?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "You know what I mean. Where do you usually do it? Your place or a hotel?"

I froze and my heart felt like it's stopped beating. "Huh?" is all I can manage to say while still being held in his grip.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you deaf?" he said getting agitated. His face had lost the smile and his hand started to squeeze my arm harder. I guess he figured that I wasn't following his train of thought because he added that he and his friends wanted to know, "... how much it will cost for all of us to get to use your ass tonight."

I looked over shoulder and saw 4 other guys looking at us with lecherous grins on their faces. As I looked closer I realized that one of those guys was actually the guy from the other night, the one with the dirty cock. Fuck! Oh shit!

"Hello! Are you in there?" Stan said while waving his hand in front of my face mockingly. He then let go of me giving up and walked back to his friends. "Fuck it guys. This whore isn't worth it. He seems a little too slow for my tastes. I wouldn't want to sit there and remind him that he actually has to suck my dick because I'm paying him for it."

The other guys laughed and that old fuck from the other night just shook his head disapprovingly at me. "You made a liar out of me tonight, faggot boy. I told everyone how good you were and here you are standing like some dope shit. Wait till Harold hears about this."

I just keep standing there while it felt like the floor was just falling away. I couldn't move. It was like living high school all over again except that this time there were no big brown eyes to turn to. I finally managed to get my legs moving and out the door. I could hear the guys laughing at me in my head all the way down the street.

That was two hours ago. Now I'm just sitting here at home with my hand wrapped in bandages and ice. It was sore from punching the brick wall of my building. I'm so fucking humiliated and angry. Why did I lower my defenses?

"You see, Robert. This is what happens when I let those shields down," I say no one.

Sitting here on the floor with my bloody fist and shirt I stare at nothing. My gaze then finds my bookshelf where I keep my yearbooks from high school. I know better than to go get them, but I get up anyway. I flip through the senior yearbook and find the picture I'm looking for. I trace the face on the page and ask, "Where are you now?"

I repeat the question over and over each time getting louder. My yells turn into sobs till I can't see anymore. I sink back to the floor exhausted and fall asleep.



email the author at austswim@aol.com

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