- 1995 -

"Y'all are just gonna have to be more careful. If you get caught I'm not gonna be responsible for you and I'm going to deny that I know you," says Harold as he paces back and forth in his living room. Smirking, he adds, "I know it sounds very Mission Impossible, but that's the deal. Y'all are big boys and you knew coming into this what the risks were."

God, I can't believe I'm sitting here with about 10 other escorts when I should be sitting in class. Apparently Harold got a tip that the city's vice squad is going to crack down on operations like his. Already, they've arrested Scott in a sting operation down in one of the gay bars known to attract hustlers. When the police got him to the station Scott proceeded to tell them all sorts of information. I'm not surprised. What else can you expect from an immature 19 year-old who was trying to replace the money train that was mommy and daddy? Scott's like one of those many kids you've heard about in the press or in some Strand Releasing movie. Scott's parents found out he was gay, disowned him, and left him without a penny. I guess it's not really all his fault, but now because of his fucking mouth my line of work just got way more complicated than it already was.

"Randy, Tim.y'all hear me back there?" Harold gestures to two other guys sitting near Harold's bar. "I don't want you two doing anything stupid like ending up at the hustler bar.again!" he emphasizes.

"Hey, boss man that's not.,"starts Randy before he's cut off by Harold.

"Damnit, don't lie to me. I know you two liked going to the bar with Scott. Hell, I hear you were the two that introduced him to that place," says Harold clearly pissed off.

Randy and Tim know better than to say anything now as Harold goes on, "You know better than to go to a place like that. It's asking for trouble with the police," he stalks closer to them and snarls, "and it's asking for trouble with me."

Tim and Randy at 22 years of age are big bulky guys. They're the muscle heads of the group. If anyone wanting to fuck or get fucked by a muscle stud, they would be serviced by one of these guys. At any rate, given their size you'd think that they wouldn't visibly shake and cower when menaced by a 50'ish flabby queeny fag like Harold. Well, you should see these guys now - like girls. To be fair to them I have to tell you that while Harold may be a wuss physically, his network of goons and reputation for using them is not.

"Ok, we get the point!" says Tim raising his hands plaintively. "We promise we won't go there anymore if that's what you want. All we were doing there was hanging out and drinking a couple of beers."

Slap!

Harold's hand flew across Tim's face catching the big guy off guard.

"Fuck you," snarls Harold. "Don't you fucking lie to me. Of all the places you could go and have a beer with your dumb steroid freak friends you decide to go there? Bullshit! You've been hustling behind my back!" Harold continues to pace back and forth clearly in one of his more notorious moods. "AND, don't fucking deny it, you piece of shit!"

Tim just sits there with his hand at his face where Harold had just slapped him. He looks down trying to avoid looking at Harold and keeping quiet.

"Alright, that's it. You can all go," he says addressing all of us again as a group. "But like I said. You get caught and I don't know you. And..," he pausing for effect. "If you talk when you get caught, you won't live. It's that simple. I can reach you in jail just as easily as I can out on the street."

I know he's serious. I'm always careful and I've vowed that I wouldn't cross Harold. I know when I'm outmatched.

"Carlos." I hear Harold calling me back into the room as the others file out of the house. "Hey, I want to talk to you."

"Yeah, sure what's up?" I ask shoving my hands in my jacket. Like I said, I really don't want to be here. I really should be back in class.

Harold sighs and his face softens. "Here, have some juice," he says reaching into the small fridge behind the wet bar. "Sit down. Sit down. Don't be so formal with me."

I slide into the stool that Tim had been sitting at just a little while ago. "Thanks."

He sits next to me and pats my leg but not like you think. He's more like a grandfather now. The change in him from a moment ago is amazing. "Carlos, you know I have to be that way sometimes. I don't want you to think that I would hurt you. You've been good to me. You're not like all the rest. You're different. And coming from me that means something."

I smile surprisedly back at him wondering where this is going.

"I know. I know. You're probably wondering what this old fucking queen like me wants and what's it gonna take for me to get to the point." He reaches over and squeezes my shoulder reassuringly and says, "I don't think this is where you want to be."

"Wh...What?," I stammer somewhat confused. "I.I thought you just said that."

"Carlos, Carlos, Carlos," he repeats cutting me off gently. "Let me finish. Heh, you young boys always get ahead of yourself. Just like I used to..bah! I won't bore you with that and that's not really what I wanted to talk to you about." He's so different now. Like I said he's like my granddad, not at all like the mean old man from just five minutes ago. His voice is calm almost soft, like you'd expect from an old man. "You've helped pay for some of the stuff around here. Look, you're good at this escort shit. I've got clients lining up for you. You've got that innocent and vulnerable act working for you that drives them fucking nuts. But I've gotta tell you, I know you're not acting. That's the real you you're putting out there."

"Harold, I don't understand," I say knitting my brow in confusion and wondering if he had some sort of empathic ability that allows him to see through me. Just where is he going with this? "Do you need me to change my approach? Is there something special you need me to get in gear for?" I ask.

Harold sighs and pauses and I can tell he's trying to figure out how to proceed, "No, Carlos. You're a good kid - a young man, even. But this lifestyle just isn't for someone like you. I can tell you've got a heart and I can even tell that somehow someway along the way it got fucked with."

Ok now he's really freaking me out. I'm good at hiding this and I've never led on to anyone who I really am and yet here's Harold picking me apart. I lean back in my chair in surprise and say, "How. How did you."

"You forget that I've been in the business of hustling boys for a long, long time. I've seen all types of guys work trade for me. Most of them are career losers." He gets this faraway look and says, " Heh, the kind of men my momma used to bring home." Then he comes back from his reverie and says, "But I've seen the rare few that end up as doctors, lawyers, fathers, executives and other shit like that." He'd gotten up and walked around the bar to get some more ice when he points his finger at me and says, ".And you're one of those. And I'll tell you like I told them. Get out of this business while you still have a soul that you can live with and offer to someone."

Oh shit! He's asking me to quit. But I need this. It's gotten me through this far and now I'm so close to getting what I want: an education and hopefully a career somewhere down the road. Now of all times he's asking me to quit. "Harold, but I have to do this. If it weren't for this, I wouldn't be able to put myself through school. Yeah, I know that this isn't the most glamorous job in the world but it's afforded me to go to school and to pay for a place to live. I wouldn't even get financial aid. I tried that. I'm almost done. I can't just cut off my only source of income," I plead hoping that he won't make me quit.

"Alright, I'll admit the money's good and so are the hours, but what good is a college degree gonna do you when you have to list a felony on your application along with that? I've already told you and the others about the police and the DA cracking down on what you do. You get caught and the future you wanted might be over before it starts."

Fuck! Fuck! This can't be happening. This is a fucking nightmare. The one thing that's working for me in my life is this. I can pay tuition and books for a year with just a month's worth of work. This is the easy part - the part of my life that works. Fuck. "So what do you want me to do?!" I get up and yell. "Just quit now while I'm this fucking close to finish!" I scream in exasperation and forgetting whom I talking to. "I'm sorry, Harold. I didn't mean to yell. It's just that this is not the best time for this to happen, you know?"

"I know, kid. I know. But that's just the way this business is. They're years that no one cares that some guys get what they need on the side from me and then bam! Some new DA comes riding in and like a saint that he is he goes and tries to make good on some campaign promise. 'Clean up the town! Family values'", he mimes. "Idiot. All of those politicians are idiots. Anyway, it's not just that that makes me think you need to get out. You're one hurt, angry young man and if you don't start being good for yourself, you're gonna find yourself used up and no good to anyone."

I know that he's right. I'm not stupid. I've seen the guys that used to work for Harold come by every once and a while and they were all the same. Their eyes were dead. Green, blue, brown... didn't matter what color they all now looked so muted, so dead. They had no vibrance to them anymore. It's like they were hollow shells now. Some of the older guys came back to Harold begging him to put them back on the street so they can make some money. It was all they knew what to do they would say. But most of them just came back to reminisce about what they used to be like: young, beautiful, and alive. Now they were just the guys who were Assistant Managers at the 7-11 working third shift.

I break from my thoughts and respond to Harold who's swishing the contents of his glass, "You don't have to tell me, Harold. I've seen what can happen in this business. But right now I'm so close to getting my degree and making something of myself, so please don't make me stop now. This is the only part of my life that actually works for me."

He shakes his head and sighs. I'm thinking he's not gonna let me keep working for him so I whisper pleadingly and grab his hand, "Please."

"Carlos, I never was going to kick you off my service. I was just trying to watch out for you. I was hoping you'd just walk away with some gentle prodding, but this is your decision and you have to live with it."

Sighing with relief I say, "Thanks, Harold... I...." I start to say realizing that I need to get back to campus before my next class.

Cutting me off with a dead serious look on his face he says, "But before you thank me there's more you should know about the whole Scott thing. He's dead."

My jaw drops and my stomach sinks to my knees. "How could Harold do this," I think to myself. He was just a kid. Oh my god! And I'm sitting here next to him. I need to get out of here.

Harold reaches out and puts his hand on my arm reassuringly, "Carlos..."

I flinch and the bar stool screeches back on the tile floor.

"Carlos...," he says again in a soothing, calming voice. "Carlos, it wasn't me. Do you think I would tell you that I would walk around telling the people I have working for me that I just killed someone? I know I just threatened y'all but that's not the same as confessing to a killing."

"I... uhm...I guess you're right," I say wanting to believe him and not sure that I have actually convinced myself that I do believe him. "What happened?"

He explains that after Scott was arrested he was eventually let go when his parents posted his bail. He stayed with them that night the day he got out, but after that for some reason he ended up back at his place. Harold figures that he must have gotten into a fight with his parent about the line of work he ended up in. At any rate, the next day when his mother went to his apartment to try and get him to come back home she found him dead. He had been murdered.

Harold continues and tells me that the chief detective on the case had been by to question him on the case to see if they could maybe tie Harold to this.

"There's was nothing I could tell them since I had nothing to do with this, Carlos. But, my god, they showed me the photos anyway." He shudders, "My god, my god... that poor kid. They say he was butchered, tortured from the looks of it. I guess the reason the police showed me the pictures was to gauge my reaction and if I would give myself away. But, I swear I wanted to retch when I saw what they did to him. I wouldn't do this.... no sir. A quick, clean kill....not something like this."

I can tell Harold is clearly shaken by recalling the photos but I just have to know more details, you know? I'm curious by nature. "What did they do to him?"

"The cut him open from the looks of it and they disemboweled him. They put all his organs in different places in his bedroom: the nightstand, the ashtray, the television, everywhere.... my god, what his mother must be going through.... and his dick! It had been cut off and they can't find it."

If I thought I had felt sick before. Then a thought crosses my mind and I ask, "Why didn't you tell us what really happened? And why are you just telling me?"

He looks at me with a mixture of fear and frustration, "Look, Carlos, if this ever got out I would lose a huge chunk of my every day operating income. Do you think you and the rest would want to work if knew this was going on?'

I was puzzled, "What? This was an isolated incident, right? I mean it could have been anybody who was just pissed off at Scott. Why would we be concerned?"

"Because the cops don't think it was an isolated incident and the reason no one has heard anything about this is becuase Scott's parents have covered everything up. They're connected, you know. Once the cops are done with the body they're gonna do a nice quiet burial away from here. And the cops also want it quiet."

I slowly stand up and start to pace with the realization of what's really going on starting to sink in, "Oh my god."

Harold continues as I nervously step around the little wet bar area, "Once the cops felt sure that I had nothing to do with it, they told me that I should call my escorts together to try and warn them to be careful but without making them go into a panic. They want to catch the guy and if they start making too much noise, they think he'll just disappear. That's why y'all were here today. I had to warn you."

Putting the pieces of the morning together I ask further, "So that's really why you got mad that Tim and Randy?"

Looking me in the eye he answers, "Yes. If they go outside the system and go with someone not known to me they might end up with this sicko. All the johns I send you to are good guys, they may be assholes, but they're not gonna kill you."

"Is this why you wanted me to quit?" I ask sitting down now wondering why Harold's really singled me out.

"Yes. And I'd hope that you would have."

"But why just tell me?"

"I told you. You have potential, a future. You shouldn't feel that you have to do this and it would be a waste if you ended up in dead."

I sit back down. The realization that my life has just gotten a lot more dangerous sinks in. Damn. I need this job. I graduate and then I can settle down into something more normal - whatever that is. Then it hits me - what Harold has just tried to do for me. "Thank you, Harold, for telling me," I say sincerely. "I appreciate it, but I have to keep working, and I promise I'll only work with the guys you send me to and I'll be very careful."

"You do that, my friend, " he says placing his hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

"Listen, I have to get to class," I say looking at my watch. "I've got class in 30 minutes."

"Alright, you, he says. Go on and get that degree so you can get out of this mess," he smiles trying to take some of the severity out of the conversation before I go. "Remember, you're on tomorrow night, but if you want to back out, just let me know."

Getting off the stool I grab my stuff and leave but not before saying, "Thanks, Harold."

On the way to campus on the bus I think about all those older hustlers and if they ever had to deal with something like this. "Am I really gonna be like them or am I gonna end up dead? Will I ever amount to anything? And what's up with Harold singling me out like this. Oh man and then Scott. Poor Scott." My mind is reeling and trying to take this all in.

I rest the side of my head against the window, my body swaying and jostling with as the bus travels over potholes in the road. I feel like shit. Why this? Why now? I'm so close. It's like fate is waving the one thing that I want the most right in my face and now it's saying 'Nyah. Nyah' and laughing at me. It's just not fair. But, you know what? I'm not gonna let this hold me back. I'm going to be careful. I'll only go do the johns that I know and I'll keep an extra low profile. I swear to myself I'm not going to caught and I'm not going to die.

The bus starts coming to a stop at the university and I get out. Walking to class my mind finally settles on Cal and I wonder what he's doing right now. Can you imagine? Cal and I somewhere in a house together, watching the snow come down from inside a warm den with a comforting fire. "Heh," I laugh bitterly. "Yeah right."

Then I remember the guy from the other night. The one who asked me to go to Starbucks. Maybe, he'd fit in that picture of me by the fire. I close my eyes and shake my head trying to clear my mind of both him and Cal before Organic Chemistry.

- 1987 -

"I can't believe that fucking bitch!" Anna says pacing back and forth. "That fucking bitch!" she repeats muttering to herself.

It's the next morning at school before classes and I had just finished telling Anna what Cal told me yesterday. Of course I didn't tell her everything like how he made me feel when he told me he loved me. But what i did tell her sent her through the roof and now she's here pacing and ready to rip Yvette's head off.

Cal called me late last night and told me how it went. He had gone over to pick her and took her to the football field to break the news that he was breaking up with her. She didn't take to yell. She slapped him and told him he was a loser. He said that after that she was beyond all reason. She just went on and on how he couldn't just leave her like this right in the middle of senior year. According to he they're things he should have considered: winter ball, prom, graduation.

I asked him how he was doing and he told me that he was fine, but I could tell that he wasn't. It was kind weird for me to see him like this. I mean he was always the one in my fantasies that would come, sweep me off my feet, and fight all the dragons for me. But, last night it sounded like he was the one that needed rescuing.

Hardly anyone is on campus right now. Anna and I got to school really early today. Cal, Yvette, nor any of the G/T class has showed up yet. Lucky for Yvette or else who knows what Anna might do.

"Anna, relax," I say trying to soothe her. "At least now we know what a bitch she is."

"Yeah, so what! I just can't believe her! I thought she was a friend. Why would she do this?" she asks. Speaking of women not taking things well. Anna's not doing so well either with the news of Yvette's betrayal.

"I really don't know" I say getting somewhat annoyed that I don't know either. I try and hold her or do anything that would keep her from frantically pacing. "Cal said she's changed..."

"And Cal! What the fuck is up with him? I can't believe he went along with it. He's just as...."

"Anna," I cut her off not wanting to hear her go in on him, "he's gone through enough hell because of this already. I don't think we need to add to it."

"Hell?! I'll show him hell when get's here." she replies angrily.

"He has gone through enough, Anna.," I say emphatically. "Have you thought about this from his perspective? Do you know what it must be like to have the person you love change on you like this?"

As soon as I say this I feel the irony slap me in the face. Taking my pause as an opening Anna asks, "What do you mean?"

Oh shit. Gotta tread carefully here. Even though she has no idea that I love Cal I can't help but feel that as I tell her how Cal was thrown by Yvette's change that somehow this is just the preview of what might happen to Anna if it ever came out that I love Cal. So I take a deep breath and tell her some of what Cal went through last night.

"Well, I guess that's something to consider, but that doesn't mean that he can't think for himself and tell the difference between what's right and wrong," she replies somewhat calmer.

"I know but he loves her and can you tell me that you wouldn't do anything to save what you had? Wouldn't you?" I ask holding her gaze hoping that her dark brown eyes can't see the anguish I'm feeling just talking about this.

She stays silent for a moment and I can tell she's tossing in her head what I just told her. "Look, Carlos, I'm in this for you. I love you and I don't want to see you get hurt by someone that you trusted as your friend. You deserve better than that..."

I just can't bear hear this and I try to cut her off, "Anna..."

"No. Hear me out. I just want to see you happy and I can tell by talking to you that you still want you and Cal to be friends. And I know that Cal is basically a good guy. I'm just kinda pissed off right now about this whole Yvette thing. Give me time and I'll be ok with Cal. Now Yvette's another story."

I just can't believe Anna. She's so awesome! Why can't I just be in love with her?

"So," Anna says grabbing my hand, "he really told her that it's over?"

"Yeah." I say looking at my watch. It's getting later on in the morning and the bell for first period is only 20 minutes away. More students have already filed in and begun to fill up their usual spaces on the Wall. Some of the G/T class has already come in and just then I see Cal coming towards us. He looks a little nervous.

"Hey, guys," he smiles nervously. I can tell something's up by just the way he's carrying himself.

Anna gives him this half hard look and then says, "Hey, yourself." And then without even missing a beat she hurls out, "Where is she?"

I can see Cal taken aback some by Anna's bluntness. He drops his head some and looks away from us and says, "I'm not sure. I guess she's coming in with Becky." He looks like he's ashamed or something - uncomfortable.

"I told her what you told me, Cal. I hope you're alright with that," I say wanting to get this out on the open between the three of us.

He looks at me. His eyes are a bit puffy like he'd been crying this morning and smiles weakly, "Of course I am. She's your girlfriend."

Anna still has her arms cross and says, "Well I'm glad you have no problem with that. So. Tell me. How did she take you breaking up with her?"

"Uhm...well...not too well," replies Cal sitting down on the Wall. "She was pissed and she went on about how she finally was able to have the kind of dream high school life she's always wanted and now I go and ruin it."

He pauses and puts his face in his hands, "I just can't believe this. I thought she loved me, but all along I was just playing this part. The part of some stupid boyfriend in her fantasy land." I can hear him choke up a bit, "Didn't I mean anything?" he says asking no one in particular. Then he looks back at us and adds, "Oh! And then the way I treated you, Carlos.... I...I'm so, so sorry"

"Hey, hey... take it easy, man. I'm not mad," I say and then I reach down and squeeze his shoulder to reassuringly him that we're ok. He's fighting the urge to cry. Gawd, how I wish I could pull him up into a hug. I wouldn't let go ever again. I can't stand seeing him hurt like this. I just want to take him away from all this. I know what he feels.

Even Anna softens up some now that she sees what this whole ordeal has done to him, "Look, Cal, I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you. But you're not the only one Yvette's fucked over and I guess I'm taking it out on you."

"No it's ok. I should have stuck up for and for you and Carlos. Instead I went against my better judgment. I just kept thinking that she'd snap out of it, you know? Like it was some stupid phase. So I went along and now I guess I deserve it," he says slumping his head back into his hands.

"You went with what your heart wanted to believe, Cal. I can understand that." I say.

He looks me at me smiles, "Thanks."

"Well you may not be thanking me later when the rest of Claudia and Co. find out. They might let it go and then again they might not since Yvette might tell them that I was part of this," I say realizing that he's now might get some of the luster he gained from being with Yvette. I have to prepare for what I think is going to happen. It might not be as bad as what I got but it won't be like it used to be. Those guys cover for each other and this is going to be one of those times that they do.

"Speaking of, here she comes." I whisper as Yvette makes her way to the Wall.

We see Yvette come onto campus and she makes a beeline for Claudia, Becky, and the rest of the retards. I can she tell she's pissed cause her lips are pinched line shut in anger. I'm guessing she's must of have seen us sitting there as she walked in.

Anna starts to walk to Yvette. "Hey, you fucking bi...."

I grab Anna's arm and pull her back. "Not now and not here," I say. "This can't lead to anything good right now."

"Yeah?! Try like scraping her off the bottom of my fucking shoe." she snarls loud enough for Yvette to here.

Yvette looks up surprised and scared and in instant realizes that Cal must have told us everything. I don't think she had counted on that. She turns away and begins whispering to the other girls she's with. As she quickly fills them in, they look over at us and sneer in contempt. This does nothing to help me calm Anna.

"You see that?! I can't fucking believe this!" she snaps.

"Anna, nothing good can come of this right now. Not here. Not now. But maybe later when you've thought this through," I say hoping to get through to her.

"Carlos is right. I ...I know what you're feeling,' Cal stammers, obviously shaken by seeing her. "But you have to let her go... for now. Right now she's with her gang and it wouldn't accomplish anything. The best thing to do is catch her when she's alone."

"Ok fine, but sooner or later she's going to fucking answer to me," she says clenching her fists.

"Anna?" I say.

"Yeah?" she answers still trying to catch Yvette's eye, but Yvette was too busy trying to look anywhere else but at us.

"Remind me never to piss you off on when you're on your period."

That finally gets her to smile and she punches my arm. "Shut up, you dork of a boyfriend."

With that the bell for first period rang and we went to class. Anna went to her art class while Cal and I headed to our first period G/T chemistry class. The day went pretty well for the most part. There wasn't any more than the usual taunts and looks directed at me from the rest of the G/T class throughout the rest of the day. Cal on the other hand was a different story. At first it seemed that everything was going to be ok. The other guys in the class acknowledged his presence with the usual "Hey, dude, wassup" but as the day wore on it was apparent that Cal had lost some of his status as a popular guy in the class. The girls were especially cold to him. They'd see him and just look right through him as if he weren't there.

By fifth period English I could tell that this whole thing was beginning to wear on him. I thought back to what he told me in his kitchen. When he told me that he wasn't as strong as I was. I guess now I can see what he means. He's starting to withdraw from everyone. By the end of the school day he was completely morose.

"Hey, Cal, you wanna come over to my place?" I say trying to catch up to him at his locker.

"Yeah ... sure," he says speaking like his mind is somewhere else.

We get in his car and drive to my place. My mom and dad are at work and my brother has cross-country track practice till five so we had two hours to ourselves. WE get to my room to listen to music.

"So, how are you doing?" I ask as Stevie Nicks plays in the background.

He doesn't hear me. He's just staring off into space.

"Cal?"

"Huh?"

"Look, man, I know today wasn't easy, but you can't let them get to you."

"Oh. It's not that. It's just....well... I thought they were my friends, you know. And now it's like I'm not there."

"Hey, at least they're leaving you alone. It could be worse. You could get it like I do every once and a while," I say trying anything to find a silver lining.

"You don't get it!" he screams getting up from my bed. "They were supposed to be my friends! I did things with them everyday. We went to parties, talked, hung out and now this? What the fuck?!"

I sigh knowing that what he's feeling is what I felt the other day when told me about Yvette. I look at him and then he catches what I'm thinking and it dawns on him what Anna and I went through.

"Oh shit."

"Yeah. Oh shit," I repeat.

He sits down at my desk and puts his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry. I guess I should have thought that..."

"It's ok. I told you I'm ok with it now. You don't have to beat yourself over it for my sake."

"I know but now I understand what you must have felt like."

"Hey, just remember one thing. They aren't worth the agony. You said it yourself. You thought they were your friends but it turns out they weren't. So just let it go. You found out who your real friends were and the friends you can count on."

He smiles at me and holds my gaze, "Thanks." Then he gets up shaking his head, "I just can't believe this, though."

"You will and you'll get used to it. It won't be so hard to get used to dealing with real people who care about you and who respect you. Once you've had that you'll never find yourself missing them ever again."

"Yeah, I know you're right, but the real thing that's bothering me is how I couldn't have seen this all before. Was I that stupid? How could have I let myself be fooled?"

"Cal, look, you thought they were your friend and turns out that they weren't. It doesn't matter now. What matters now is that you did the right thing. You found out what they were all about and you did something about it. Don't beat yourself up for it," I say going over and kneeling in front of him. I grab his hands and look into his eyes, "You're here with me and I'm your friend. I promise I'll never let you down like they did."

Oh my god. I'm actually holding his hands. The palms of his hands are surprisingly soft and his eyes are moist with the tears he's been fighting back. Every nerve in my body wants me to pull him closer to me and kiss him but I'm fighting it. I can't do this to him now. I can't lose him over something like this. Not now.

I must have been holding his hands for just a few seconds in silence; even though, it felt like an eternity. "I... I won't ever h.... hurt you, Cal."

"I know you won't," he says squeezing my hands, never breaking eye contact.

No matter how much money you have, no matter if you told me the house was on fire there was no way you can get me to stop looking into his eyes. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

"C..Cal?"

"Yeah?" he whispers back.

"I love you, you know." I feel like throwing up and singing at the same time.

He just stays quiet and then looks down at our hands. I can tell he's getting nervous. Oh, fuck! I just blew it. I fucking blew it. "I.I'm sorry, Cal. I don't mean to weird you out. I'm sorry." I back peddle trying to get up and away from him to give him his space.

He squeezed my hands harder and pulls me back, "You're not weirding me out." He focuses his eyes back on mine and I can tell he's cool with this - so far. "Listen, I'm sorry for..."

"Man, Cal....," I start to protest.

"Shh...." he says putting our hands to my mouth. "Let me finish. I'm sorry for everything and I'm sorry for being such a wuss all day long. Remember what I told you? It's going to be like this for me for a while. And it's not just the G/T class and Yvette. They're other things on my mind. I'm going to be a mess for a while until I sort things out. What kind of moron am I?" he says returning to the subject of Yvette. "I thought she loved me and I also thought that I loved her. And now that's changed. But now," gripping my hands tighter, "I know I have you and this is real."

What the hell does that mean?! But I can't ask so I just stay there to dumbstruck to say anything and that if I did say something, then he'd never finish.

"You know, it's funny," he laughs still holding my hands.

"What?" I whisper.

"Heh...Yvette thought that was supposed to be this total *it* boyfriend - all cool, sophisticated, and totally in control. But here I am a fucking wreck," he laughs.

I'm totally not getting his humor, "How's that funny?"

"That you're the man Yvette really wants," he keeps laughing.

"What the hell do you mean?" I ask totally confused.

Cal is still holding my hands but shaking in laughter. "Oh man! Just look at me and look at you. You're the man she really wants - Mr. Cool, able to take crap and keep going, and so in control. And I'm the total opposite. I'm losing it here after just one day and you've been dealing with this for a lot longer. Maybe I should call her and tell her about newfound revelation. Maybe she'll snatch you from Anna."

"Uh, maybe you do and let's just say I smack you up side the head," I say trying to laugh but still freaking out that I'm here so close to him and that he's actually touching me even after I told him I loved him. "But, seriously, like you said I've been dealing with this for a lot longer and it's different. I wasn't in love with Yvette. You were."

"I know," he says with most of the humor gone.

Still close to him and holding his hands I had to see if he was ok with me telling him that I loved him. "Cal...."

"Yeah?"

"Are you ok with me telling me that I love you?" Fuck oh fuck here it comes but at least it won't be hanging between us.

Smiling and finally letting go, "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry. No weirdness. I know you didn't mean it that way."

My hands are warm, almost wet from having my hands in his. I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath until I tried to answer. It came out in a rush of air, "Cool"

He gets up walking to the stereo, leaving me crouching on the floor, "Anna's lucky, you know? She's got quite a catch in you." The tape had stopped playing and he switches it to the other side.

I stand up walk towards him, not liking the bitter tone I'm hearing, "Cal? What's up?"

He turns to face me, "You know, the other things that are on my mind that I mentioned?"

"Yeah?"

"Well it hasn't been till the past couple of weeks that I've noticed some things about myself. I'm seeing myself and everyone else for the first time. Things I don't like. Things I do like. And it's all happening it once. And the things I don't like... especially the things about myself when I compare myself to you it's so intense. It's like this mixture of admiration and anger that I get. Admiration for the person you are and anger for the kind of person I'm finding out I am."

Closing the distance between and no longer so afraid to touch him, I grab his arms gently, "You *are* a good person. You're this wonderful friend with great qualities and someone who means a lot to me. Please.... please don't beat yourself up. I can't stand it."

Taking my hands from his arms he holds them, "Speaking of wonderful people, you're not so bad yourself. You're one of the things that I'm seeing for the first time that I do like." He pauses and looks me in the eyes. I think he's really *is* seeing me for the first time. Man he's gonna spoil me if he keeps doing this. This is nothing like looking into Anna's eyes. I feel like falling in and I don't have to look away. He's looking right back at me. "Anna is soooo lucky," he repeats in a whisper making me think he's thinking out loud.

I want to kiss him so bad. I feel myself lean in and his face is coming closer, inches from mine or am I imagining this? Is that his breath on my lips or the breeze from the ceiling fan? I don't know. What's real? I'm not sure. I'm holding my breath again, waiting for him to show me what's real and what's not. I'm too afraid to make my move. Hell, I'm too paralyzed to move. God, let this be real.

"Yo!"

Cal abruptly lets me go and my air punches back into my lungs. I try and catch my bearings. What the fuck happened?!

"Hey! Anybody home? Carlos?" I hear my brother yell from the living room down the hall.

I look at Cal and he's sitting on the bed nervously flipping through my trig book for no page in particular. Shit! This really almost happened.

"I said 'Yo!" My brother says as he opens my bedroom door. "Why didn't you answer? Oh, hey, Cal. Wassup, dude?"

Smiling and giving me a nervous glance he responds, "Hey there, Javier."

"We were just really into our trig homework and didn't hear you come in," I say hoping he buys my excuse and hoping he just leaves us alone - for once. Then I realize that he's home early from practice. "Weren't you supposed to be at practice?"

"Yeah, but coach had to leave and gave us a short practice," he shrugs back. "Hey, I'm hungry. Anybody want a sandwich?"

"No!" Cal and I both answer at once.

"Ok, ok... I don't need it in stereo," says Javier somewhat startled.

"Sorry," I apologize. "We just need to get back to trig. Test tomorrow."

"Ok, well have fun. I'm gonna make that sandwich," he says starting to walk out.

"You know, I should get going. My parents are getting back today and I should be home when they get there. They like taking me out to dinner when the get in from a trip," adds Cal quickly while rising from the bed.

With my brother there I can't say anything but ok. "Are you sure you're gonna be ok, though?" I ask hoping he won't leave. I have to know just what happened - or didn't happen. Fuck, why did my brother have to get home when he did?

"I'm fine. Thanks for everything," he smiles back while grabbing his stuff. "I'll call you later. Maybe we can do a swim workout later on."

"Ok." I say.

He tells my brother goodbye and then leaves. My brother goes to the kitchen to make his sandwich and I'm just left standing there wondering how this day can get any more confusing.

- 1995 -

"You just could have told me that hated coffee."

"Fuck!" I scream trying to turn around to face the voice from behind but the one leg in Speedo can't keep up with the one out of the Speedo and I fall forward into someone's arms. I can tell he's naked by the feel of his flesh pressed against mine. It's late at night and I'm at the swim center. I've just finished another late night workout.

"Whoa. Careful there. I didn't mean to scare you."

I manage to get my balance and push off from the guy's chest and I see the blue eyes from the other night. It's Jeff. Damn, I had hoped I wouldn't run into him.

When I don't say anything he says, "It's me. Jeff. The guy you said you'd meet at Starbucks?"

"Yeah, I remember," I say snapping my Speedo off my leg. "Listen, I'm sorry about that, but something came up and I couldn't make it." I hope he buys this lame excuse.

He smiles, "No sweat. I was hoping it was something like that. Uhm, not that it was anything bad that came up, right? I don't mean it like that. I just hope that I wasn't wrong about you, you know, and that I might have freaked you out. I wasn't wrong? Wasn't I?" he says completely unsure of himself now.

I sigh to myself and realize the guy is really trying and then I notice he's trying to hide his crotch with the towel that had been around his neck. I can't get over it sometimes the effect I have on guys like Jeff. He's getting excited just looking at me. I guess this is weird for me to see other people who have no control over their bodies. In the business I'm in I've learned control. I don't let my body especially my cock betray me. Yet, he's not like that and he's really trying to be nice despite the fact that I stood him up. "No, you weren't wrong. I'm gay."

"Whew, thank god. For a second there I thought you were going to floor me when I came up behind you. I just don't want you to think I was some perv hitting on you or something," he adds quickly.

"Oh really," I say and I flick my eyes down to the towel he's holding in front of himself. He catches that and blushes a fierce shade of red, "Uh.This looks.oh, shit..I'm sorry. I know this looks bad. But you gotta admit you're very handsome and built and seeing you like this well it's uhn, well, you know.uhm .Oh, fuck, maybe I should leave."

I let a smile play across myself and he seems to get a bit more at ease. He's kinda cute when he blushes like that. I decide to let him off the hook. "Don't worry about it. I'm not offended; as a matter of fact, I'm flattered."

He looks up from the floor, "Are you sure? I can understand with the way this looks."

"I'm fine, don't worry about it," I say.

"Ok, well. Would you still like to go have coffee later. I know it's late and all but I know this other local coffee joint that stays open pretty late. If you don't have a car, we go in my car," he asks still gripping the towel.

Damn, what to do? He's cute and like I said he's really trying and seems sincere. If I go with him, I want to make the same mistake I did with the other guy, Stan, from the bar. I'm also supposed to be working for Harold tonight. However, he did say that if I wanted to back out that it would be ok with him.

Sensing my hesitancy he quickly adds, "I promise I won't bite and that I look just as good in clothes as in a Speedo."

"Ok," I laugh. "If you say so." I think I will go have coffee with him. "But first I have to make a phone call. Let me get dressed and I'll meet you out front."

"Ok, but if you don't show up, I'll bring the coffee shop in here," he grins.

I laugh and marvel how this guy just puts me so at easy, "Ok, I'll be right back." I shower, dress, and call Harold to tell him that I'm not going to be able to work tonight. He was kinda glad to hear that and said that he did have a john lined up for me but that he'd get someone else to go. I then go meet Jeff out front. Wow! Not bad looking in clothes either - loose fitting jeans, white mock shirt, and a red jacket.

"Did you phone home," he grins.

Damn, this guy is good at making me laugh, "Yeah, I did. So? Coffee now?"

"Yup. Coffee, company, and conversation - a very good combination if I do say so myself. And look, ma. No towels.

I just laugh and head out to his car. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.



email the author at austswim@aol.com

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