It was several weeks after watching Jimmy Bell discovering the flip side of the coin he flipped on Nylin that knowing what I knew complicated who I was. While Nylin and I saw each other almost every day, I stayed away from the window and tried to forget about the discoveries that I'd made about people I'd known all my life. The sex thing was getting more confusing and my resolve to wait was weakened by what I'd seen. I didn't know what was holding me back from jumping into the game but something was.

Robert still came for short talks and long looks. He would joke about Jimmy not being able to resist touching him in the locker room after showers. He knew I'd known Jimmy forever. He laughed and told me lots of guys wanted to touch it, but he always took the locker next to Jimmy because he knew Jimmy would touch him. The other boys only wanted to touch him and they all wanted to look at it. One day he told of getting hard and the other boys fought each other to get a closer look at the man meat on one of their own.

Robert was the easiest to figure out. He needed to feel good about himself and the other boys gave him all the admiration anyone could want. He wasn't all that attractive, but he still drew me in every time he visited. There were always the things that weren't said and other things I couldn't bring myself to say. I wanted to feel it and see what it looked like up close, really close, but I was still one of the boys that just wanted and didn't do. I did think though.

Every time I looked at Robert now, I saw him standing over Jimmy as he worshipped the big cock that hung between Robert's legs. The look on Robert's face told how important that was to have Jimmy there looking up at him, feeling him. When he spoke of guys looking at it and wanting to touch it, he truly knew he was somebody.

I don't think Robert had anything else that could give him that kind of feeling about himself. He made use of what he did have. He wasn't the brightest bulb in the package and he didn't seem to have a talent you could readily identify beyond his ability to attract other boys to the bait his body tempted them with.

I needed to add to his self-esteem but not at the risk of my own. I'd already been drawn into a world of voyeurism and titillation that ended in obsessive jerk off sessions, and I didn't necessarily want to fall into step with Robert's army of admirers. Then there would be nothing to set me apart from the other adolescent worshipers of meatpacking.

I enjoyed Robert's visits. Perhaps that explained it. He came over to tempt me and he kept coming back because he hadn't succeeded yet. It angered Nylin when he would find out Robert and I had been together yet again. He stopped coming over after finding Robert there a couple of days in a row. I'd drop by after school but he seemed more distant and always said he was expecting someone or not in the mood for company. He even stopped trying to raise my interest in his extra curricular activities.

He was still naked most of the time when I showed up over there and when I left. I didn't waste a lot of time trying to figure out what he wanted from me. At first I thought he wanted from me what he wanted from everyone else, only he rarely did anything. The constant touching of my body had stopped and we mostly sat on opposite ends of the couch making small talk until he acted bored with my presence.

I didn't see Jimmy or run into him at any of the places where I wandered. I'd pretty much pushed the incident out of my head except when Robert would come over and announce how Jimmy had met him here or there to continue their one sided love affair. Robert always tried to get a reaction, stretching his legs out in front of him while he excited himself recalling how this boy or that boy had played with him that day. I usually tried to act unconcerned and uninterested, though I could picture the scene while he talked about what went on as his cock was lengthening down his leg.

I had seen Greg again by this time, from a distance. I followed him home, and I stood over by the Episcopal Church, watching him wrestling with two guys I didn't recognize. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, and there was no doubt in my mind if he had a window on the ground floor where I could watch him, I'd be there every night hoping to see him strip out of his clothes. My brain was filled with images that made me cringe because of their clarity and their power over me. I spent hours at night living and reliving images of the boys I desired but feared most as I exhausted all my options before falling asleep.

It was a Thursday, because we had a three-day weekend from school. I remember being thrilled that there were three days without teachers and books. I hadn't been in the house more than ten minutes when the knock came. I figured it was Robert because when he went to school, he usually came over right after I got home. Come to think of it, when he didn't go to school he came over about ten minutes after I'd get home. He spent a lot of time being suspended for not being in school. I couldn't figure out how that worked, but I figured, the school authorities knew more about stuff like that than me.

I was surprised to see the tall thin boy peering in through the top of the three windows that were each progressively higher than the last. I opened the door and I'm sure I gave him a curious look. He half turned away as he looked at the driveway. He then turned to face me.

"Can we talk?" he asked, more like the little boy Jimmy I'd known before I'd seen him acting like a jerk at the bowling alley and like a queer as he lived to be between Roberts knees.

"Sure, come on in. What's up?" I said, determined not to let the image of him I had at night distract me, too much anyway.

"How are you?"

"Cool. Glad to be off three days," I said.

"Yeah! I'm going to the farm over the weekend. We're actually off three and a half days if you figure it from the time we leave school to the time we get back there on Monday."

"I suppose you're right. You give a lot of thought to that kind of thing?" I asked.

"You haven't been in church. I looked for you in church," he said.

"Sit down, Jimmy. I don't go to church," I said.

"Why?"

"I don't feel welcome any longer. I don't believe the things they believe. That's all."

"Yeah! I go all the time. I still go to Sunday school. I'm skipping this Sunday. I keep hoping you'll be my teacher again. You were the best."

"Sorry," I said. "So, what's up. You came over to talk about church? You going to be deacon or something? Want my soul?"

"Fuck no. I mean no. I'm in trouble. Nylin said to talk to you."

"Nylin? What's it about?"

"He said you were cool for an older guy. He thought you'd know what I could do."

"Nylin didn't know?" I asked.

"He says what needs to be done he's no good at," Jimmy said, folding his hands reverently in between his knees as he looked around the room.

"This have something to do with the stuff you do over there?"

Jimmy looked around the room again. I could see his discomfort level rising. He leaned back on the couch and immediately leaned forward again, clasping his hands together.

"I knew you'd think that. Just because you saw me do something one time doesn't mean I'm like that. I'm not a fag you know."

"I know," I said, not telling him I'd watched him with Nylin through the bedroom window several times. "You want a Coke?" I asked, figuring he needed a minute to gather his thoughts.

"Got Root Beer?"

"Yeah, my old man drinks the stuff."

"He does," Jimmy said, like no one else drank it but him.

I got ice out and brought him a glass full and the can. He propped one on each leg and leaned back to pour and to relax a little.

"If you went to Nylin and Nylin said come to me, it must be about something I know that took place over there. Since there's only one thing I can think of this could be about, is it about that?"

"Sorta. Well, sorta, but something else too. He says that's the part you might be able to help me to figure out. It gets complicated."

"Why not tell me and we'll see," I said, sitting down and turning my chair to face him.

"It's about Robert. I don't know how to say this. I don't want you to think I'm ... I don't want to sound like ... A ... A ..."

"Why not tell me, Jimmy. I've seen you do quite a bit. I've never mentioned it to anyone. I won't talk about what you tell me. I'll try to do what I can," I said.

"Robert doesn't come to school very often. We have gym together when he does. Well, he was there the first of last week. After we showered, I sorta, well I ..."

"You touched him in the locker room, Jimmy?"

"Yeah! How'd you know?" Jimmy inquired, leaning forward, no longer looking at me.

"Just a guess. You seem pretty interested in his dick. You're a little young to be messing around already."

"It's just that that fuckers's so damn big. I've never seen anything like it. It makes me feel funny looking at it. I mean I get a stiffer. Like now I know I can touch it if I want, I got to touch it. You know, like that. He's always lifting his arms up and saying, go ahead and feel it. I don't care if you touch it. So I do."

"I wouldn't worry about it, Jimmy. Other guys touch him. You're just curious. You're thirteen and want to know about sex. We all go through it," I said, in my most therapeutic form.

"That's not the problem," he said. "I don't care about that part of it. I don't give a hang what other guys do or don't do."

"It's not," I said. "What is?"

"Kurt, a kid I don't even know saw me touching Robert's dick. Like I said, he holds his arms way up and you can't miss that thing when it starts to stick out in front of him. Kurt's no big deal, not as tall as I am, maybe a bit more hefty, but he says, you want me to keep my mouth shut about what I seen, you should mess with mine too."

"He wanted to do it there?"

"No. He said his bus left a half-hour after school was out and we should go some place for me to mess with him. If I didn't agree he'd start talking about what he saw me doing to Robert. Robert said to just go ahead and play with the guy, so I figured I'd do it."

"What did you do to Robert, Jimmy?"

"I was feeling him while he got on a hard. I forgot where we were and everything. Then I knew Kurt saw it and I didn't think he'd say anything. Then he stopped me on the way out of gym class. That's all. He didn't see me doing anything else."

"You met him?"

"Yeah, and we fooled around a little bit. I didn't do anything he didn't do. I mean he was feeling mine too. Then the next day he says we should do it again. I said, cool. He's got skin on his pecker, cool, huh? I thought it was neat, anyway."

"What happened?"

"He brought another guy, Mike. We have one class together. They ride the same bus. Kurt says I got to blow him and Mike."

"What did you do then?"

"I did it. I told them that I wouldn't mess with anyone but the two of them after that. They laughed at me and said I'd do what they wanted if I was smart. Kurt did everything I did. Why did he get with Mike?"

"Why did you agree to blow them?" I asked.

"It was exciting when I thought about doing it to them, I guess. I wanted to do it to Kurt right off, but he only wanted to feel each other. I figured if I did it to Mike, Kurt would be okay with it and next time we'd do it with just the two of us. I didn't act like I wanted to, just like I thought I had to do it to keep them quiet."

"Why are you telling me all this?" I asked.

"You know what's going on and I figured I'd tell you everything that happened so you could figure something out. I met them one more time and then Kurt says he'll get a ride over and we can spend the day together last Saturday. I wanted him to want to fool around with me, so I thought he liked me, only he comes with a guy from the high school. Stan something," Jimmy said.

"Red convertible with gray primer spots?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's it."

"Stan Bennett. He's a little hood at school. What happened?"

"Kurt says I got to blow him as payment for bringing him over. I told them I didn't want to do that. Kurt says he can't stay if I don't blow Stan. The guy drove down to behind the airfield and takes out his dick. He says I'm sucking it or I've got to get out. Shit, it was five miles back home. It's not like I hadn't done it before. I figured it would save me a long walk so I did it to him."

"You blew him in front of Stan?" I asked.

"Yeah, Stan held my head down on it. He was dirty too. Smelled really nasty. He got pissed when I stopped. Stan kept saying, suck it. I told him my jaws were sore. He jacked off and put the shit on my pants. He came by my house Sunday. He knows where the shit I live. He said he'd tell my brother if I didn't keep doing it to him. He doesn't even bring Kurt this time. He wants to fuck me next time, he said. Now I don't know what to do. Could you talk to him? Maybe tell him to leave me alone. I think Kurt was scared of him and that's why he acted like that. He left me alone all week now. Stan's coming around tomorrow. I wanted to go to the farm tomorrow but my parents can't take me until Saturday. What do I do to get rid of this guy? I don't want him putting it up my ass. He's pretty big though. You're as big as he is. Will you talk to him?"

"Why did you even start, Jimmy?"

"I don't know. It's like I can't stop myself. I don't want to do stuff like that, but then when I find out I can be doing it ... You think I'm going to be a queer or something?" he asked.

"No. I think you're going to get yourself hurt. All guys think about fooling around with other guys. It's just that you met guys it was easy to do it with. You should have waited until you knew what was going on," I said.

"You think I'll become queer if I keep doing stuff?" he asked,

"Fooling around won't make you queer but if you keep doing it because you like it, well, guys lose interest in that stuff if they're straight. I don't think you're anything yet, but if you really like messing with guys you might be gay. I don't know if you know or you don't know. Nobody ever knows what you like but you."

"I don't know anything. I just know I don't want that guy fucking me. His dick isn't very big but I still don't want him making me do that. Could you tell him to leave me alone? I mean you're his age and I'm just a little kid."

"I barely know him and he's sixteen if he's driving. The fact I know what he did is enough to make him think twice. I could threaten to tell Bobby he's trying to get you to do something you don't want to do. Than he tells him to talk to Kurt and Mike to find out what you did with them. That's a bad idea. Where will you go with him when he comes?"

"Kurt showed him where we did it at the school. I think Kurt messes around with him. It just sounded like Stan was planning to make him finish what I started once he dropped me off."

"You think you could get him to go there with you. Up behind the junior high. You can show me the place ahead of time," I said.

"I don't want to do anything with him. I don't like him," Jimmy said.

"What if I'm there. Near enough so that when he's trying to make you suck him off or whatever, I come along and catch you. He knows me by sight. We don't have classes together, but he'd recognize me. You tell me he's making you do stuff gives me one ace to use to make him stop. Me catching him forcing you to do it, that's a whole handful of aces. I think he could be made to see the error of his ways if I caught him with his pants down, so to speak. He doesn't know I already know what's going on."

"Yeah, we could make him do it to us," Jimmy said, excited by the plan. "Make him suck me off, yeah."

"I thought you didn't like him?" I said.

"I don't but I'd like to force him to suck my dick. We could tell him if he doesn't suck us off we'll rat him out. Maybe I could fuck him in the ass really hard."

"Jimmy, if this works, be satisfied you got off his hook," I said. "I don't want Stan touching my dick. He's a jerk. You want to get rid of him not have him coming back for more. What if he likes it and decides he wants to keep sucking your dick."

"What's it going to cost me?" Jimmy asked. "You're saving me from doing stuff I don't want to do, all this advice. You know all the stuff I do. You could make me do anything you wanted."

"Cost you what? You came to me for help. I don't charge to help a friend, Jimmy."

"You know I do stuff. I'm still worried about you telling on me. If we did something together, then, I wouldn't worry as much," he said. "Besides, I'm going to owe you for your help."

"You haven't learned anything from this?" I said.

"Sure, I won't get caught touching Robert again if that's what you mean. How long before someone comes home?" Jimmy asked.

"I don't know. Hour or more."

"Can I touch you?" he asked.

"I don't have anything like Robert," I said.

"Who does?" Jimmy asked. "You ever see one bigger?"

"No. Not that I've seen that many. You've seen more than I have," I said.

"You should feel it when it's getting hard. I wrap my fingers around it and feel it and it spreads my fingers apart. I can't even come close to putting my hand around it after it gets hard. It's big as my wrist when he's on a hard. You ever felt it when it was hard?"

"I'm trying to cut down," I said, picturing Jimmy playing with Robert while standing at the lockers.

"Why you think guys are like that?" Jimmy asked.

"Everyone's different. Robert's just big."

"No, like Stan wanting me to do something I don't want to do. Why doesn't he go with someone that wants to go with him."

"Maybe nobody wants to go with him?" I said.

"You figure Nylin's gay?" Jimmy asked.

"Do you figure you are?"

"No!"

"Why would you think Nylin is? He doesn't do anything you don't do from the sounds of it," I said.

"He does a lot more of it than I do," Jimmy said.

"Let's see, Kurt, Mike, Stan, Robert, Nylin, probably the two little boys at the bowling alley. Have I missed anyone," I said.

"Shut up. They're not little boys. One's eleven and one's twelve, they're just smaller an me, that's all. We went to the elementary school together until last year."

"You didn't say you didn't fool around with them," I said.

"I didn't start it, they did. I took a piss in the woods one day and it got hard when they looked at it. They wanted to touch it because they had little ones. That's where it all started. Felt pretty neat," he said. "They wanted to go some place. I went with them and let them do what they wanted."

"Both of them?" I said.

"Both of them. I think they were messing around before. They sure didn't worry much about the other one knowing they wanted to be feeling my dick. They both played with it."

"How long ago did that start?"

"Last summer. When I went to school I heard about Nylin messing with guys and Robert showing off. I wanted to see what it was like with older guys," Jimmy said.

"What was it like?"

"It was ... I don't know, weird. Why are guys like that?" he asked.

"Like what?"

"Like wanting to do it and then calling guys queer that do it. Why do guys want to fool around and then make you sound queer because you like to fool around too? Stan said he'd tell my brother, but he's doing it too. Why are guys like that? I mean if you don't want to do nothing, than don't do it, and if you do, do, but shut up about it."

"You going to be a shrink?" I asked.

"Shrink what?"

"Psychiatrist. That sounds like the kind of question a shrink would want to study. Maybe worded a bit different," I said.

"You making fun of the way I talk now?" Jimmy said.

"No, I've never heard it put that way. It's an interesting question. Most guys aren't smart enough to think through things like that. You're younger than I am by far and I've never thought about it that way before."

"You really aren't getting with those guys over there when I'm not around?" he asked.

"I really aren't," I said.

"Why not? I saw you watching us. You want to be touching Robert. Why don't you just go for it? Man, he's got a fucker on him. You can't imagine what it's like feeling all that gristle growing in your hand. I'm a fucking midget compared to him. How do guys get that big anyway?"

"You ask a lot of questions," I said.

"Wouldn't you want to grow one like it if you could? Everyone wants to touch it. Can you imagine just standing there while guys feel you? You don't have to do nothing. I think about weird shit, huh?"

"You're curious, Jimmy. I'm curious. I just don't know if I'm ready to be fooling around with everyone in the neighborhood. Once you get with Nylin you're getting with everyone he knows. There's a dozen different guys I've seen over there."

"Who?" Jimmy said, sitting up to listen.

"You, and eleven others," I said.

"Anyone I know?" Jimmy asked.

"Yeah, and you're going to start running into each other if you aren't careful," I said. "Nylin doesn't care and when he's gone, you've still got to live here."

"Why do you want to help me?"

"You're cool. No one should make you do something like that," I said.

"You like me? I thought you hated me."

"I don't like you when you are acting like a jerk. I know you aren't like that. Since I know what I know about you now, it's more difficult to figure out why you would act like that to Nylin."

"I don't know. I was confused. I was fooling around with the two guys I was up there with, but after I was with Nylin they weren't as much fun. They won't do what he does. I saw Nylin with you and I figured ... I don't know. I just said it. I didn't plan to or think about it. My mouth just got away from me. I was shocked by what I said. Why do you suppose I did that?"

"Yeah, you ought to look into being a shrink, Jimmy. I don't know. I do know I didn't know you like that. You were always gentle and sensitive. You were so tiny. You sure grew like a weed," I said. "How tall are you?"

"Six foot. No, five eleven and a half actually. I wasn't all that sensitive. Do you think if a guy's sensitive he's going to be gay?"

"No, I think he's going to see things more the way they are. You'll probably enjoy watching butterflies and listening to babbling brooks. Sensitive guys can appreciate things more on a deeper level."

"Are you sensitive, Martin?"

"I suppose. I don't like people that abuse other people."

"You gay?" he asked.

"Are you?" I asked.

Jimmy left after we agreed the question wasn't going to get answered. I told him he was too young to be thinking about being gay. All the signs were there. As little as I knew about people and what they were, Jimmy Bell was gay as a goose. What would be the purpose of me telling him he's just like me?

Maybe he can make it fit for him in a way it didn't seem to fit for me. I wanted to be with other guys but something kept me from it. I knew I could be involved with Nylin any time I wanted to, but the fantasy was far better than the real thing.

Remembering what I'd seen was far more exciting for me than actually being there with them, except for Robert. The way he sat and worked me with his eyes. I really liked being with him, watching his performance as he tried to draw me into his web. Resisting the temptation he represented was weakening me. I knew each time he came to the door, I came closer to giving in to his erotic charm. I could still be satisfied by my dreams of touching him, but there would be more than dreams sooner than I thought. Robert was persistent.


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