After the spring hunt, and once warmer weather set in, Running Horse and I continued our walks around the ponds and along the stream. This spring, before rainy season, the water level in the ponds was two inches below Running Horse's markers of two years ago.

We didn't need to talk it over. We'd go on the next full moon.

"We move fast. Two go. Me, Tall Willow," Running Horse said in his command voice.

"Agreed," Medicine Woman said.

She put together some herbs and cures for bug bites and rashes from sitting on a horse too long. Running Horse was indestructible, but I still had my white boy's tender skin, and Medicine Woman knew all the tricks to treat annoying little problems.

We carried some of the dried moose meat, because I'd acquired a taste for the hardy meat. We took an ample supply of rabbit and venison, but we carried our bows, and fresh meat was likely to fall victim to our marksmanship.

Shiftless was anxious to get going. We had been on trips to the mountain twice that season, but Shiftless was happiest when we were making tracks and moving across the meadows. This would be a trip my horse could get his teeth into.

Running Horse went silent again. He didn't like being in conflict with Tall Elk. Everyone knew Tall Elk thought he should be chief, and for that reason, Lone Wolf never considered making him chief, although he might have been on the list at one time.

Since he raised Running Horse, teaching him every day of his youth, Lone Wolf knew the kind of character Running Horse had. Tall Elk would manage things in a way that benefited himself. Running Horse would run the village to benefit the people.

Tall Elk was angered by Lone Wolf's decision, which merely proved Lone Wolf's point on the matter.

For me it was simple. Running Horse could run faster, jump higher, climb better, and his eyes were sharper than any other warrior. Of course he'd be chief.

And besides, I loved him, which was no small thing.

We left the morning after the night of the full moon. The village turned out to wish us well, and we rode toward the mountain on a pleasant day that would allow us to get the most out of it.

Shiftless followed Running Horse's horse he called, 'Horse.' My eyes stayed on his wide back and broad shoulders that moved easily inside the deerskin as we climbed. Even late in the day, I was warmed by the sun that shined all day.

We stopped as light was failing. It was cool but not cold. On horseback, I calculated we'd reach the river on the third day. We'd ridden down the far side of the mountain the year before, without going toward the river. We wanted to see the landscape and get some idea of how we'd go, once we would be going to the river.

As with most plans, we adapted ours to the conditions we found as we spent the second day going down the far side of the mountain.

We made camp on the grasslands north of the river. I calculated we'd reach the river in the afternoon of the third day. Once we were on the grassland, riding was easy, and we stopped a few times for water and to allow our horses to graze.

I didn't remember much about the far side of the mountain, except I fell off it before my second life started. The grassland looked familiar, but it was all grass for as far as we could see, and it would be all we saw until we saw the river.

Even knowing the river was straight ahead bothered me. I wasn't going home. Across the river would be the cabin where I was raised. Even if we were going to keep going, I felt odd about seeing it after so many years. It was home whether or not I was going there.

It looked the same. Running Horse rode beside me for a long time. He understood that I would see my parent's house for the first time in nearly ten years. We were men now. We weren't subject to the vulnerabilities we had as children. We were in charge of our lives.

"This home?"

"Yes, close to home. Was once home. Hasn't changed. The river floods in rainy season. For a week, sometimes more, we can't leave the house. Water is up to the front porch. We take care of the animals but, Paw would stand in the open door of the cabin, gazing out at the land he could not see for the water. Funny what you remember."

"Funny," Running Horse said. "You say hello?"

"No, we are still two, maybe three days from where we'll move the village. They wouldn't know me. I'm Pawnee. When I left here, I was a white boy."

"White boy. Broke leg."

I laughed.

It seemed like a lifetime ago. A lifetime of being Pawnee. My parents wouldn't know me. Would I know them? Were they still there?

"Lone Wolf tell Running Horse, 'White boy Running Horse cousin. He uncle. Lone Wolf say, 'White boy not white. White boy Pawnee.'

"When did he tell you that? That I was Pawnee."

"Soon after you come. He uncle. You Pawnee."

"How'd he know. I didn't know for weeks, maybe months."

"Chief know many things. He know. Running Horse already feel close to Tall Willow. We become closer. No."

"We become closer, yes."

I'd been Pawnee for a long time. Remembering being white wasn't easy. I was never really white. I did live among whites. I went to school and interacted with towns people while going to my grandfather's church, which I stopped doing when I turned 12.

My grandfather thought I was going to hell. I really wanted to go to the mountains we could see while sitting on the front porch of the cabin in the valley where the river runs after we ate supper.

I went to church with Maw, until I told her that I wasn't going. She didn't think I was going to hell, but she was worried about me.

If she was worried about me then, she'd be petrified by me now.

It's not anything I gave thought to until I was a couple miles from the river. Everything was familiar now. I'd hunted in those fields a hundred times. I lay on my back with a piece of grass in my mouth, looking into the sky for hours at a time as a boy.

I was sent to hunt supper, because Paw was too busy to go hunting. Getting away from chores and the gaze of my parents was something I looked forward to. Being a good hunter, I was called on to hunt often. Nothing in the meadow looked any different.

Running Horse let me ride ahead of him, and then, he rode beside me for a time. We were walking the horses and we sat still while they grazed on lush grass it was difficult for them to pass up.

As Shiftless stood to eat a particularly attractive clump of grass, Horse walked lazily by us. I watched Shiftless eat, and when we got to the river there was a sluice the horses could drink from.

Horse found the sluice and Running Horse was sitting on the grass looking across at the field that sat in front of the cabin.

I walked up behind him and I sat down with one of my legs on each side of him. I put my arms around him and hugged him to me.

"This it?"

"This it."

"Bigger than I thought."

"All the land is behind the house. There are fields, a forest, barn, pig pen, chicken house, and a barn. There's a barn."

"What barn?"

"A place where you keep your stuff."

"What stuff?"

"Rakes, shoves, plow, a horse the last time I looked."

"Go look?"

"No look. Long way to go."

"Uncle live cabin?"

"Live cabin. Man in field down from house. Your uncle."

Running Horse sat up straight.

"You no see. Too far."

"How many arms does the man have?"

"One."

"Your uncle has one arm."

"Lose arm. My father die."

"He lost his arm where your father died."

"Want know. What see. He tell Running Horse."

"I tell Running Horse."

He stiffened in my arms. I knew the story from Maw.

"Paw never told it to me. Maw told me how he lost his arm when she told me he lived on the far side of the mountains behind us."

"You Tell."

"I tell," I said.

"The warriors were on hunt. Came home. Village burn. Dead Pawnee everywhere. Your mother. Lit'l Fox's mother, my father thought Lit'l Fox dead. He covered in mother's blood. He hurt, not dead. Your father, my father, two other warriors track marauders who destroyed the village. They wait in ambush. Kill Running Horse's father, shoot my father in the arm, and killed the other two warriors."

I was surprised he had no reaction he let me see. We sat in silence for a long time.

"Why you no tell before?"

"Didn't come up. I don't give a lot of thought to my first life."

"First life?"

"Life as white boy. Second life Pawnee."

"How many lives have?"

"Two, as far as I'm concerned. I am where I want to be for as long as the grass grows and the river flows."

He put his hand on mine.

Horse stood behind us and blew air through his nose.

"Time to go," I said.

I stood up.

Running Horse stood. He turned to put his arms around me. He was totally still in my arms. It was rare for him to stay so still so long.

"Time to go," I said, mounting Shiftless.

The man in the field was looking toward us.

Running Horse waved.

The man waved back.

I nudged Shiftless forward with my knees. The anger was still there. I did not think of my father, because we were on opposite sides of a great divide. He gave up on being Pawnee. I embraced who I was. I wouldn't give up on being Pawnee.

I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of there.

I didn't ride away fast. I rode away.

Running Horse stayed behind. He watched the one armed man. There was a connection he couldn't see, but he felt it. He knew it was there, but more than a river divided us.

I could tell Running Horse about the massacre, but I wasn't there. I don't know if my father held his brother in his arms. I didn't know if there were any last words.

'Take care of Running Horse for me.'

In some ways my journey was similar to Paw's. He was shot. I fell off a mountain. We were both saved by a force that came from beyond our own existence. A French trapper picked up Paw, saving his life. Lit'l Fox looked over a cliff and he saw a white boy with a broke leg, and he took him home. Paw and I were both born into new lives. Paw ended up in a white world. I ended up with the Pawnee.

I didn't know when the French trapper came along and picked up my wounded father. He carried him in the wagon with him. I don't know when Paw left the trapper, but Grandpa found him along the trail.

This was how Maw described it to me, but she knew more than what Paw told her. The mystery of how our lives got switched remained a mystery to me. I knew about my life, not Paw's.

Running Horse caught up with me a couple of minutes later.

We rode in silence. I could tell Running Horse had a hundred questions, but he kept them to himself.

*****

The dense forest came down to the river where the meadows ended. There was a wide spot along the river where there were no trees. My memory told me the forest would stay beside the river for at least a day's ride. Once the forest was no longer beside us, Lone Wolf told us we'd go north from there, riding back toward the mountain. Sometime before we reached the mountain, we'd reach the place where the new village would go. Lone Wolf told us, 'You'll know when you reach it.'

Like so much I didn't know or understand, I didn't know how we'd know the place.

It was where the forest began to thin and be more spread out before we reached the end.

"I remember being here. Paw and I were hunting, and we came this way. This meadow runs true for quite a ways. I don't remember how far."

"This way Lone Wolf say go," Running Horse agreed.

It wasn't quite afternoon. We'd started that morning before dawn came. The sky was getting light toward the east, and we ate cold meat and started moving right away. We'd need to keep our eyes open. I didn't figure it was much more than a day to the spot Lone Wolf was directing us to.

I started out riding in the lead. Once Running Horse caught up with me, he rode behind me for a while. There was plenty of room to ride side by side, but he followed Shiftless and me for an hour or more. I could feel his eyes on me. After an hour, he passed me and I followed Horse a while.

Running Horse was still working on me and Paw. He'd give his arm to speak with his father, but I saw my father after ten years away, and I didn't want to get close to him. He didn't understand. I didn't understand for that matter. I was never happy at the cabin in the valley where the river runs. I had no desire to go back there, even though we were right across the river from the cabin where I was raised.

Tired of the single file riding, I stopped, got off my horse, and I lifted Shiftless' front right foot to draw Running Horse back to me.

As I knew he would, Running Horse walked Horse up to where I stopped Shiftless.

"What wrong?"

"He limp."

He wasn't limping. I waited Running Horse to get off his horse and come up beside me to see for himself.

When his face was next to my face, I kissed him and ran away laughing. It took him a dozen yards to catch me. We fell on the grass together, rolling and laughing. We kissed and kissed again. My love was on top of me, looking down at my face.

"Running Horse love Tall Willow," he sad with the most enraptured look on his face.

"Tall Willow love Running Horse."

We had a long way to go, and we rode side by side. When I caught him watching me, I smiled. We were charged with finding the place where our new village would go, but being alone together, we didn't need to rush there or hurry back. It was serious business, but it didn't mean we couldn't laugh. We could laugh. We were together and our lives were good lives. We laughed a lot.

We hadn't really talked since we sat together looking across at the cabin. Running Horse finally got what was on his mind off of it.

"Why angry," Running Horse wanted to know.

"Not angry."

"You angry."

"Why we not stop? Say hello to father? You angry."

"When I was a boy, I dreamed of being Pawnee. I saw myself as Pawnee. Now, I am Pawnee. Forget first life. No want to go back."

I didn't share what I saw coming. I wouldn't trouble Running Horse of the darkness living in the shadows of my mind. I could be wrong. I often was.

We made camp before dark. We had ridden north for a bit less than half a day. We wanted a hot meal and a good rest before the fifth day began. I was sure we'd find the place today. I had no idea how close it was, but it wasn't far from where we camped. Once again, as we rode, the forest started closing in on us. There were big trees on both sides of us as we rode. First they were spread out and far apart. Then, they closed in and came in clusters. It was quite beautiful and I could see what drew Lone Wolf to this place.

"We're getting close," I said.

"I think that. This nice."

It was very nice but it turned cooler. It was good riding weather. The sun really didn't reach us once we were back in trees that were scattered along the trail. The forest began to close in on the meadow. We took our time. We might be far from where Lone Wolf directed us, but I didn't think so.

We'd ridden all morning and as we left a more dense section of forest, it opened up into a lush meadow with trees here and there. Part of the meadow was shaded and part open to the sun.

Running Horse dismounted and he walked Horse off toward the right side, where a wide body of water spread out. It was a lake. I dismounted and walked Shiftless to where Running Horse stopped.

Running Horse walked away from Horse and stood looking at the lake. He was undressing as I stopped to examine the size of the lake. He went into the water to bathe. Running Horse started most days with a swim in the pond. He liked being clean and he especially looked forward to a swim after a long ride. This would qualify. It was noon on the fifth day of our journey.

After fifteen or twenty minutes, he walked back to the bank and he sat with his legs in the water.

"Stream," he said, looking across the lake.

He nodded toward the northwestern side of the lake.

There was a rock formation at the corner of the lake, and a stream cascaded down like a small waterfall. It fed the lake from somewhere up above.

I admired my naked lover. I sat beside him.

"Swim?"

"No swim."

"This is it?"

"This it."

I let my eyes wander around. It was beautiful. There was plenty of water. Trees covered the bank of the lake and the land nearby. There were fields to plant and plenty of wood to shape lodges.

Once it warmed up, I went swimming. It was nice to feel clean. The water was cold but warm enough to enjoy it after such a long ride.

Even while I was in the water, there were squirrels, beaver, rabbits, and other small critters moving about. I was sure there were fish in the lake and Running Horse would prove it. I finished rinsing off and I sat in the sun that shined on one half of the lake.

Both Shiftless and Horse found lush grass and a pond off to one side of the lake where they drank.

I wondered how Lone Wolf knew this place was here. It was five days from our village, and we'd need more than five days to move. On horses it was five days at a moderate speed. There weren't horses for everyone, and the elderly would need to be taken on sleds. They couldn't walk the distance we'd need to go to get everyone to this spot. The days on the mountain would test all of us, but we knew the easiest way to go now, and we'd avoid the more treacherous places. Once off the mountain, the going was easy.

I could see why Lone Wolf remembered the beautiful spot. I tried to imagine it with lodges and people. It was while I was involved in that endeavor, I saw Running Horse stand a few feet from the bank. The water was up to mid thigh. He was staring into the water. I wasn't sure what he was looking for.

It was right after I spotted him, his arms shot out, and when they came back out of the water, he was tossing a trout on to the bank. I moved closer to watch him.

"I catch fish. You catch."

I knew he wasn't serious. Running Horse did many things I couldn't do. This was one of those, and before I had time to tell him that fact, another fish flew out of the water on to the bank.

He fashioned two sticks and after cleaning the fish and making a fire, he held the fish over the flames, handing me one before he sat to eat the other. This was a fish big enough to be a meal.

As fish went, it was tender moist and delicious. I liked fresh fish, and this was about as fresh as you could get. I tried to eat it all, but as good as it was, there was too much of it. I set it to one side and watched Running Horse pick pieces off the stick and savor it. We had found paradise.

The air was sweet to breathe. The smell of fish delicious, and the silence, save the birds in the trees, was complete. As I sat there enjoying the spot we'd come to, a rather large raccoon came up beside me, and with one of his hands, he broke off a piece of fish, enjoying it nearly as much as I did.

I'd seen rabbits and a groundhog. Birds flew through the trees and out over the lake. Running Horse laughed, watching the raccoon. The move would be questioned. No one would question the location of the new village, once we led them to paradise.

*****

Running Horse rode out in front of me on the strip of land between the river and the forest. We'd changed places once in a while to change the boring ride back to the village. It went faster on the way back, or it seemed that way, but we knew where we were going. When we came this far going to the new place, we didn't know the way. We only had Lone Wolf's words about where we were going.

I was riding out front when we reached the part of the ride I knew from my past. I rode faster, made the turn across from the cabin to go north to the mountain. I didn't look at the cabin, and Running Horse was just then catching up. If he realized this was where the cabin was, he had no time to look for it. He didn't like falling too far behind me, and I made sure he was falling behind at this point in our journey.

After that, once Running Horse rode out front, I followed him. We reached the mountain before dark, and we camped there to avoid the cold on the mountain if we started the climb then. We'd be on top in half a day if we started at first light, and we'd be on the far side of the mountain if we rode until dark tomorrow. The weather remained comfortable and going back seemed to go faster.

I'd brought up the rear for a long time, as the white boy who came to live with the Pawnee. I was protected by Lit'l Fox, and Medicine Woman, so I had some status, but not enough for anyone to wait for me or make sure I kept up. I had to keep up on my own.

I learned the games and watched how the other boys played. I was the youngest, except for Young Antelope. Most boys were a year or more older than me. Running Horse was the oldest and he always took the lead and we all followed him. I was still following him all these years later.

No one called me names or told me I didn't belong. As time went on, I did keep up, often being between Lit'l Fox and Running Horse, once my leg strengthened. I was growing and getting stronger.

It was two to three years when I was just like the other boys. My skin turned brown in the sun. I had the ability to do the same things everyone else did, and there were things I did as well as anyone and better than some.

Now, I sat at the right hand of my chief. The chief I loved. He loved me, but my place beside him was the place where I belonged, because I had a value no one else had. I earned my way as a contributing member of our village. I was as Pawnee as anyone. No matter what story my blood told. Nothing mattered but what I could do. I was Medicine Woman's grandson. You didn't get more Pawnee than that.

As I rode beside Running Horse on what was the conclusion of our trip. I remembered the first time I came this way. I was on a sled that took me to the Pawnee village. The one thing I knew about the Pawnee, my father was Pawnee.

Life was good all these years later. We were about to move to a new and better place. A place where the water would flow forever.

As we saw the village ahead of us, the children ran out to run beside the horses. Their chief reached down for one, letting him ride with him for a minute, and then he put one down and took another to ride with him. By the time we reached the village, everyone turned out. Everyone wanted to know what the new place was like. We teased them with our words that were evasive. That night, after the evening meal, there would be a counsel where we told the people what we'd found.

Running Horse said it had to be seen to be believed. It was a good place, and there was plenty of room for the newer Pawnee. There was plenty of game, and a pleasing forest to roam within. The excitement in his voice excited the people.


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"Losing Pawnee"

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"Living"

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