I was calm and I mounted my horse and I led Lit'l Fox's horse behind me. I let Spirit Horse trot as made sure that Lit'l Fox and Morning Star stayed where I put them.

It was a dark night. I just kept riding. I was tired enough to fall off of Spirit Horse, but I didn't stop to rest. I suppose I was hungry, but grief was the only feeling I had. I cried and a couple of times I was seated on Spirit Horse and he had stopped and was nibbling at the grass beside the trail.

I'd nudge him and he'd begin to trot again. It was a dark and lonely night.

I became aware of horses that weren't that far away from me. I braced myself for death for a second time that day, but I realized the horses weren't behind me. It was Running Horse and our warriors. They stopped moving as I rode up.

Running Horse slipped off his horse and walked past me to get to Lit'l Fox's horse.

Running Horse let out an unearthly scream. It shook me to my core.

I stood beside him as he cried with his face on Lit'l Fox's body. I cried with him, while warriors encircled us. No one knew what was coming next. They'd come for us, and luckily I was half way home when they caught up with us late that night.

"I killed Meeks. I killed Tall Elk. They were the ones who took Morning Star. No one touched Lit'l Fox. There are no wounds on his body. His heart broke. He died. Morning Star used Tall Elk's knife to kill herself."

Running Horse listened. His sadness overwhelmed him. He knew there was more to come, and this was something the two of us had to face together.

"They know who killed Meeks. They'll go to the village. A soldier helped me. Riggs. No one is to fire at him in any battle. I owe him my life. He made it possible for me to get away. He told me what happened."

"This Riggs. How I know him?"

"He has red hair. A bushy red beard. He is good man. I need to go. I'm sure you know they'll come for me. If I'm at the village, they'll destroy it and everyone in it. I'll ride to the river. I'll go east from there."

"Brought Shiftless. Need fresh horse. I ride to river."

"You need to take care of the village," I said. "They will follow us."

"No follow. We Indian. Warriors hide trail. Take Lit'l Fox and Morning Star home," Running Horse explained to me.

I went to my brother's horse and I loosened the knots and eased him down on to the ground.

I held my brother and rocked. I couldn't save him. I tried, but I couldn't save him.

He was the best of us. My brother was as good a man as I'd known. I loved him more than I loved anyone and only as brothers could love. Running Horse stood beside me with a hand on my shoulder. I cried and rocked for some time.

"Must go. Warriors need go. We ride river."

I sat on Shiftless watching Running Horse secure Lit'l Fox beside Morning Star. He stood for a long time with his hand on my brother's back. He came to get on Horse.

"Cover tracks. Take brother home," Running Horse said.

My eyes were trying to close when Running Horse turned Horse toward the river and galloped off at a good clip. Hearing the horse running woke me from my doze, and I used my knees to tell Shiftless to follow. I shook the idea of sleep out of my head. I'd sleep once I was dead. If I didn't want that to come sooner than later, I needed to stay awake.

The cavalry was going to come after me. I needed to get as far ahead of them as I could.

I didn't want to leave my brother. I didn't want to leave the Pawnee warriors, but my life as a Pawnee warrior was over. If I wanted to live, and I did want to live.

I was dangerous to my people. The further and faster I ran, the better off they were, and so we rode, and we rode hard. For two hours the only sound was charging horses on the prairie. There was no time that night. We reached the river in what seemed like a few minutes.

It was getting light when I saw the river for the first time. We rode to it before stopping. I slipped off Shiftless. I walked into Running Horse's arms. This was a minute I never saw coming. If Running Horse saw it, he'd remained silent about it. I thought of all the hours he sat in the lodge.

What he was seeing, what was on his mind would forever remain a mystery. If he knew this moment was coming at us, he'd kept it to himself. As we embraced, time was wasting. If we stayed there too long, I wouldn't be able to leave him, but if I wanted my lover to remain alive, I needed to leave.

I felt him starting to shake, and that signaled he was giving into his emotions.

I pushed myself back away from him. He stood motionless. He kept his eyes on me.

"I must leave you now."

"I know."

"I'll never love anyone the way I love you, Running Horse."

"Forever love," he told me. "Run fast. Run far. Return one day."

I took his face in my hands. I put my lips on his and I kissed him for all I was worth. I turned, running to Shiftless, I leaped on his back, using my knees to tell him it was time to run, and run he did. He ran like the wind into the timeless night.

I didn't look back. I felt my man's eyes on me.

I'd go home. My father was a smart old Indian. I'd return home and that's where I'd take the first steps into my third life. Until today, I never thought about my second life coming to an end. There was no warning, only a responsibility to my brother and his wife. Some things you must face head on. I knew I'd face Meeks across a battle field one day. Yesterday was that day, and today I ran.

The first time I realized that my life as a Pawnee was coming to an end, I had an arrow waiting in my bow as Meeks' horse came charging at me. I sensed my death after I fired my arrows and before I knew I had hit my marks. I'd seen Tall Elk following Meeks. I saw Riggs following Tall Elk. I drew the two arrows from my quiver, and I ended the life I loved along with the two lives I was determined to take with me. They died. I didn't die, and that made my third life necessary.

I did not look back. I rode as though the hounds of hell were after me. There was no time or space to be considered. My brain stopped all thought after Shiftless started to run. I felt it when he tired, and I got off to walk him. I knew where I was. The cabin was not far, but Shiftless needed to rest, and so I walked him.

The cabin came into view after a half an hour of walking. I was as relaxed as I'd ever been in my life. Seeing the cabin of my youth told me I was home. I'd left there in my first life, and Gregory never returned. Now I came home as Tall Willow, but I'd leave here with some idea of who I'd be in my third life. I had no idea of who I might be as I walked Shiftlesss to the spot where we'd cross the river.

I wasn't worried the cavalry would track me to my parent's cabin in the valley where the river runs. My father was a smart old Pawnee, and he'd have tricks up his sleeve even the cavalry trackers wouldn't be able to follow. No, I'd leave here with no fear the cavalry would track me here. No one knew Tall Willow was my parents' long lost son. Few people even remembered their son.

I saw the cabin come into view. I looked at it for a while. It would take a day, maybe two for them to pick up my trail. I didn't know why I came here. If we hadn't needed to relocate the village, I'd never have come home. I was reunited with my parents. The location of the new village would bring me to this moment and my need to come as Tall Willow and leave as a man of mystery who had no past, and a doubtful future. I'd run and keep running.

*****

I rode Shiftless into the river and we climbed up the far side where a graduated bank had been cut so horses could climb it. The rains were late and the river was low. I would have walked Shiftless across, but my legs were suddenly weaker than weak. Walking became a serious problem. Sitting on Shiftless wasn't easy as my eyes insisted on closing.

There had been no food and no sleep, and by body began to give out. With too much emotion and too many miles, I had reached the end of the line.

Paw saw me from the field when I rode up the bank on the far side of the river. Seeing that I was alone, he wondered what brought me home. He was standing in the front door when I got to the cabin.

We looked at each other. He could see by my appearance, this was not going to be good for his ears.

"Lit'l Fox is dead."

I gave no thought to how my father might react to the news of his first son's death. It was thoughtless.

He howled much like Running Horse howled. My father cried. I went to hold him. My mother came, but she let father and son do what was needed. The link between me and Lit'l Fox was strong, and my bringing him this news was shattering for Paw. He'd just got used to the idea of being Pawnee again. He'd only had Pawnee family for such a little while.

We sat over coffee and my mother fixed my favorite breakfast food. I didn't remember when I ate last, but it seemed like a lifetime ago. I hadn't slept and I must have been a sight.

I told the story as my parents listened to their son.

"Somehow I shot Meeks and Tall Elk too. A soldier helped me. He said he'd delay the hunt for me. Now, I've run for as long and as far as I can. If I don't sleep, I'll drop dead soon."

Because of my ordeal, coming up with a plan didn't come easy. I was a Pawnee warrior. I'd killed the commanding officer at a fort that housed cavalry soldiers. That wasn't going to go over well. I'd avenged my brother's death, and the cavalry would be determined to avenge their commanding officer, no matter how corrupt and evil that officer was.

Maw woke me to eat and I ate and went back to bed. I hadn't slept in a bed for years. I slept like a baby. It was daylight when I finally woke and forced myself to get up. I had to get moving.

"Paw? I need your help."

I was eating again. Paw was drinking coffee. Maw kept putting food in front of me.

"You white," Paw said.

"Paw, I'm Pawnee."

"Not any longer. You're only chance is to live as a white man. Your skin was once white. I believe it will turn white if you stay out of the sun. The same way it browned, it will lighten by reversing your change of color."

"How do I do that? I'm on the run Paw. I killed the commanding officer in the cavalry."

"They're searching for an Indian. You go riding off alone, and you won't live long. You leave here as a white man, you're one of thousands out on the plains.

My father had it all figured out by the time I had enough sleep.

My father handed me a pile of neatly folded clothes. On top was a cowboy hat. It was like what half the boys at school wore. Any farmer might be dressed in those clothes.

"You're bigger than me, but a farmer might be wearing old clothes that are a bit small. If you wear a hat, I'm betting your skin will lighten some. You'll look like any farmer who just left his farm."

"I used to keep your hair short. I'll cut your hair," Maw said.

"You can ride east. Don't rush. You're a farmer fresh off the farm. You figure out what your story is. Memorize what you are going to say when you're stopped. You will be stopped. Sooner or later you're going to run across a detachment of cavalry, and they'll want to check you out. They aren't looking for a white man. Make up a story and stick with it. Act like a white man. Take nothing off anyone. You are as good as anyone, and you don't like being waylaid by soldiers. You're angry. You feel put out. How dare they stop you."

"That wouldn't be hard," I said, liking the idea of telling soldiers off. "They might be tracking me, Paw. They'll go to the village first. Then they'll go back and pick up my trail."

"Don't worry about that, Son. Your old man is an Indian. I'll make it so your trail takes them on a wild goose chase. They'll never know you came here. Don't worry about that. I'm just a dumb farmer. Don't know nothing about no wild Indian coming this way. You can take my horse. Leave yours. A good tracker would know if you switch horses. I make a trail leading north from the river. I'll drive those Crow trackers crazy." By the time the scouts know they're going in circles, the rains will have washed away any signs you were ever here. I'll burn everything you came with.

"They might come over here, Paw."

"I'm a poor dumb farmer don't know nothing about anything."

"You have a devious mind, Paw," I said with a smile.

My mother put a glass of milk in front of me and a pie pan half full of apple pie. I hadn't had apple pie in years and I ate every bite. No telling when I might taste Maw's apple pie again, but if she gave me any more food, I'd pop.

My hair was my pride and joy. It was growing in darker as time went on. It fell around me as Maw cut it as close to my scalp as she could.

"Your scalp is white. Keep the hat on and your face will get lighter," Maw said. "In a month or two, you'll pass as a white man."

Paw's overalls were a bit short on me. The sleeves of the flannel shirt were too short, but I rolled the sleeves up the way boys at school used to do.

I felt awkward in something other than deerskin. I didn't feel any different, but I knew I didn't look anything like I did when I showed up at my parents' door. I didn't know who I was yet, but that would come to me, and once I knew who I was, I'd make up a story that was easy to remember to back it up.

Paw came in. He brought a six shooter with a holster that strapped on to my waist.

"What's this for?"

"This is a good gun. I put a box of shells in the saddle bag, and I put my lever action rifle on the saddle. You'll have a chance if they come at you. Learn how to use it. Practice your draw. The rifle won't be a problem. There's another box of shells for it. You won't go hungry if you can stay alive. I'll put down a trail all the way to the mountains with your horse. If they go to the village first, they'll need to return to the fort for supplies to stay out on a longer search. Dobbin is out back. He's only pulled the plow and the buckboard the last few years. I put my saddle on him, and he's strong but not very fast. Don't hurry. Act like you belong where you are, doing exactly what you're doing. Don't show any fear of the cavalry. Don't try to go around them. Don't avoid them. Ride straight up to them like you want to spit in their eye."

"Thanks, Paw. I can't thank you enough. I just might make it. I don't know how to run. I don't know how to be prey that is being hunted."

"What's your story?"

"I'm a farmer. What was the name of that trapper who found you?"

"Phillip," Paw said, trying to remember his last name. "Phillip…."

"Dubois," Maw said. "Phillip Dubois."

"He was a trapper. You could be his son," Paw said.

"Phillip Dubois," I repeated. "Phillip Dubois."

"Trapper," Paw said as I strapped on the six shooter.

My father hugged me and then my Maw did. I felt lighter than air. I no longer felt like Tall Willow. I looked like some awkward cowboy with that hat on my head. It might tip me over if I wasn't careful.

I walked out to Shiftless and patted him fondly.

"This is where we part, Shiftless. You're been a good horse. I wish I could take you with me."

Shiftless watched me get on Dobbin. I rode away without looking back. I'd left that cabin when I was fourteen. I was almost twice that age when I rode away from that cabin in my third lifetime.


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"Maybes"

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"Brother's Love"

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