Tarheel Writer - Suicide

Suicide? There are other options to end the pain

Suicide?
"Suicide is not a decision to die.
It is a decision to end intense emotional pain."
There are other ways to end the pain

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This page updated Date and Time Site Updated Saturday 21 December 2024 9:24 AM EST

Killing yourself is a rather permanent decision. One that's impossible to undo. So this is a decision that must be an informed one. Read below about my friend James. He was fifteen. Read the stories then check The Trevor Project website below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brandon Bitner
January 2, 1996 - November 5, 2010

    Fourteen year old Brandon was a straight-A student with a core group of friends - a gifted violinist, and descried in the tribute video at the bottom of this page as one of the sweetest, kindest souls to ever walk our world.
    An unassuming, polite young man, Brandon's sensitive nature made him an easy target for bullies at Snyder County High school.
    In the early hours of the morning on 5th November 2010, Brandon left his family home and walked several miles to a busy intersection and threw himself in front of an oncoming tractor trailer.
    There was little doubt that Brandon left home that morning with the intention of ending his life. His Mother Tammy found the suicide note that he had written in which he expressed his love for his closest family members and friends, but also explained what lead him to his decision to commit suicide - He could no longer endure the anti gay bullying he was experiencing at school. He went on to explain that the bullying was constant. He was called names including gay, girly, fag and geek and said that a recent humiliating event in school was the straw that broke the camel's back. Some of Brandon's friends would later reveal that the bullying sometimes took the form of physical violence and Brandon was often subjected to it in the hallways at school.
    A YouTube Tribute to Brandon https://youtu.be/O4FwElTaEAU
    The following poem was shared with me by Rich DiStefano about Brandon. It touched my heart ...

"The Note"
By: Rich DiStefano
Inspired by Brandon Bitner's Suicide

I hide in my room, inside my gloom; they say it's just a phase,
I skip school, cause I'm not cool, I'm not seen for days.
I stay inside, I try to hide, I have no real friends.
The hurt, the hate, the fears, the tears, when will it end?

A punch, a shove, a trip, a fall, they laugh and walk away,
I hide my eyes, they won't see me cry, I won't show the pain.
I cut, I bite, I hide the scars, I trade pain for pain.
It's all I can do, to hide from you, my tears fall like rain.

The physical pain, the emotional scars, they all took their toll,
So, I took the gun, I tied the knot, I stopped the pain in my soul.
My pain is gone, but yours lingers on, and now you ask why?
It's all in the note I left for you, it's all in the note I left.

The hole was dug, the prayers said, now I'm six feet down.
The bully's gone; no, they just moved on, now that I'm not around,
Now that I'm gone, the bully moves on, to their next victim you see.
Who will it be, soon they will see; oh please Lord not me.

The hurt, the hate, the fears, the tears, it's not what we ask for.
Their reasons are clear, we may be queer, or how we look, act, or dress,
They bully us for many reasons, far too many to guess.
But there is one question I have to ask, IS THE BULLY BULLIED TOO?

The physical pain, the emotional scars, they all took their toll,
So, I took the gun, I tied the knot, I stopped the pain in my soul.
My pain is gone, but yours lingers on, and now you ask why?
It's all in the note I left for you, it's all in the note I left.

Come out of your room, shine light on the gloom, let your fears be still,
Use your strength, your inner strength, see how far you can go.
Show the bully they didn't win, your spirits stronger than their will,
Rise above it all, it's a battle you can win, you are stronger than you know.

The hurt, the hate, the fears, the tears, with time will fade away,
A day will dawn where the bully moves on, and your torment will flee from you.
Release the pain, the hatred in your heart, forgiveness is God's way,
Trust in Him, He never fails, ask, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

The physical pain, the emotional scars, are not the means to your end,
Put down the gun, drop the rope, pick up the phone instead.
Many people are here to help, be they family, counselor, or friend,
They'll help you through, you are not alone, there IS a better life ahead!

© 2022 Richard DiStefano. All Rights Reserved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caleb Nolt touched my life

The is Caleb
... Caleb R. Nolt, he is now forever 14 years old because he took his life on Thursday, September 30, 2010 in Fort Wayne. He was born in Ft. Wayne, Indiana and was a Freshman at North Side High School.
North Side Highschool

This is Caleb's high school, North Side High
Caleb R Nolt Headstone

    And this is Caleb's headstone in the St Vincent Section of Highland Park Cemetary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. There was a Facebook page called "Caleb Nolt Touched My Life." Sadly it has gone dark. What you are about to read came from a post on that Facebook page.

    If you think no one will care if you died.. think again. You’re sitting in your room ~ door locked ~ with a pen in your hand and a blank piece of paper in front of you. Your hand is shaking, and the tears begin again - for the third time in the past hour. ‘To my family’ you write at the top of the page, but decide it’s a bad way to begin your letter ~ your suicide letter. You try again, start over ~ again and again, but you don’t know where to begin. No one understands you; no one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone or at least that’s what you think. Nobody would care if you’re alive or not, you mean nothing to nobody. It’s night, and you slip into bed. ’Goodbye’ you whisper into the darkness. And with that, you take your last breathe and end it all. No body cares, right? Well you thought wrong.
    It’s a Tuesday the following ... and when it’s 7:21, your mother comes and knocks on your door. She doesn’t know you can’t hear her. She doesn’t know you’re gone. She knocks a few more times, calling your name to open up. When there is no reply from your side of the door, she opens it and screams. She collapses on the ground while your dad rushes to your room. Your siblings have already left for school. Your very weak mother collects all the energy she’s got which is close to nothing to walk over to your bed. She leans over your dead body, crying, squeezing your hand, screaming. Your dad is trying to stay strong, but the tears escape his eyes; calling 000 or 911 with his left hand while his other one is on your mother’s back. Your mother blames herself. All those times she had said ‘no’ to you, all those times she had screamed at you, and sent you to your room over something stupid. Your father will blame himself for not being there for you when you asked for help, for being away from home at work for long. Nobody cares, right?
    8:34. There’s a knock on your classroom door it’s the school principle. She looks more worried than ever. She calls the teacher to the side; all the students worried: what’s going on? The principle then later announces about your suicide. The popular girl that always called you fat and ugly is now blaming herself. The kid that would always copy your homework but treat you like crap ~ he’s blaming himself. The boy that sits behind you ~ the one that always threw things at you during class ~ he’s blaming himself too. The teacher is blaming herself - for all those times she’d scream at you for forgetting your homework, or not listening in class. People are crying, screaming, shocked, in regret of what they did. They’ll all be devastated - even the kids you’ve never talked to before. Still nobody cares about you, right? Your siblings get home. Your mother has to tell them that you’re gone; forever. Your little sister ~ no matter how many times she’s screamed at you, told you she hated you and stole your stuff ~ always loved you, and saw you as her hero; her role model. She now starts to blame herself; why didn’t I do what he told me to do when he told me to? Why did I take his stuff even when he asked me not to? This is all my fault. Your brother gets home ~ the boy that never cries. He’s now in his room; mad at himself ~ he caused your death. All those times he’d played pranks on you. He’s punching holes in his wall, turning over things; he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. Forever. Nobody cares about you, right? Right?
    It has been over a month. The door to your room has been closed all this time. Everything is different now. Your brother has to be sent to anger management classes, your little sister cries everyday still waiting for you to come back. Everyday she waits for you to come back home. The popular girls have now turned anorexic. They don’t know how to deal with the pain that they’re feeling. Your father has depression; your mother hasn’t slept for nights it’s all her fault. She’s been crying and screaming every night wishing for you to come back. The boy who would always bother you dropped out of school. The boy that copied your homework now cuts. But nobody cares about you, aren’t I right?     Your mother finally decides to go clean out your room. But she can’t do it. She’s locked herself in your room for two days to try to clean up your clothes, your things. But she can’t, she can’t say goodbye to you, not yet, not now. Never.
    It’s your funeral. It’s a big one ~ everybody comes. No one knows what to say. The beautiful girl with the big smile is gone; you’re somewhere else. No one knows what to say, they’re all still shocked. Everyone cries, everyone misses you. They all wish you’d come back but you don’t, and you won’t.
    Still think nobody cares about you? Think again. Even if people don’t show it, they care about you, they love you. If you kill yourself today or any other day you won’t know just how much you meant to people. If you kill yourself today, it stops your pain, but it pains all the ones who know you for the rest of their life. Suicide is the easy way out - but it’s the wrong choice. Life is beautiful. Yes, it does have its ups and downs everyone has their bad days. Sometimes people go through tough times in their lives like you’re probably going through now but bad times come and go. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there. No matter how hard life gets, never give up on yourself, or on your life. Take a minute now, and think. If you killed yourself ~ how would the people that love you feel/go through? Can’t think of anything? Well I’ll tell you: tears, tears, and more tears. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. Broken. Regret. Miserable. If after reading this you still feel suicidal, there are people that can help you. I’m here for you whenever you need me, and I’ll be more than happy to listen to you and try to help you feel better. There are teachers, parents, grandparents, neighbors, adults, councilors ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James

    A very good friend of mine was being bullied at school. He decided to end his life at the age of fifteen. James had the whole world in front of him, yet the bullying was relentless and he chose to end his life. He was such a sweet kid. We spent time on the lake in kayaks and had a grand time. He loved swimming. He was in the ROTC at school. Outwardly, he was a bundle of joy.
    At the Memorial Service, the entire ROTC Squad stood at attention behind the podium. A box of Kleenex was visibly passed from student to student as the tears were freely flowing. It broke my heart. His dad and mom were devistated. I worked with his dad. As soon as I heard, I went straight to his house. What do you say to someone whose kid just killed himself?
    I do NOT want you to end up like James! Please reach out and talk to someone! It CAN be better!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please be sure to explore The Trevor Project website.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Trevor Project
The short film, "Trevor," is a based on a 13-year-old quirky, outgoing gay boy named Trevor. Trevor is your average 70's high schooler in Bible Belt, USA: He listens to records, hangs out with his friends, and goes to the movies. But one day things change: He hits puberty, and everything seems different. He doesn't want to make out with the girls at a party. He starts to pay more attention to the other boys in his class. He starts to realize that people make fun of him for his love of ballet and theatre and Diana Ross. Eventually, Trevor comes to the realization that he's gay. Now, his friends don't want to be seen anywhere around him, his parents ignore him, his priest accuses him of being a pervert, and his best friend Pinky tells him that he's a weak person. "Everybody at school thinks I'm a gay. It must be showing," he says in the scene prior to his overdose. With no one offering any support, Trevor decides to kill himself. But help comes in an unexpected form. Trevor was unsuccessful in his suicide attempt and ends up making a new trustworthy nurse friend. Trevor is a film that highlights the importance of acceptance, forgiveness and how destructive internalized homophobia can be.

The Trevor Project has been supported by various celebrities, including Ellen DeGeneres, Daniel Radcliffe, Neil Patrick Harris, George Takei and Anderson Cooper.
Source: Wikipedia

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