- 1995 -

"Babe, don't do that," a guy's voice whines. Shit, that freaked me out. I'd been too engrossed in my notes that I hadn't heard him coming down the sidewalk. Looking up from my notebook while on the bench I can see his breath steam from behind the tree that university had planted 25 years ago for some long tenured, dead professor. I'm sitting in the main university quad that is ringed by buildings on all sides and has its sidewalks bordered by large trees.

"Why," a girl's voice teases back in the cold December air.

I can't see her. She must be pressed closed into the guy's chest.

"You know how you get me when you do that," replies the guy in a husky voice.

"Hmmm? And how's that? I'm just trying to keep my hands warm. You can't blame a girl on a fucking cold day like this, can you?" she wistfully replies.

"Well you should have brought your gloves! Besides, someone might come along and see us." he answers animatedly. He looks around the quad not realizing that I'm sitting on a bench just on the other side of the tree.

"Don't be such a wuss, babe. No one is out here. Everyone is in the library too busy studying for finals. And anyway, they can't see what I'm doing underneath this huge coat of yours. No one knows what I'm doing much less hear what you're saying," she answers emphasizing her misguided belief that they are alone.

Sigh

I thought I could get some reading done before my last review session out here in the quad. She's right, you know. The libraries are too jammed packed for me to find a comfortable nook for me to settle in and study. So after looking for a secluded spot in the library I decided to bundle up and study here out on a cold, wintry day. The snow from last night's storm is still pretty solid since the temperature hasn't gotten above freezing today. And, thankfully, there's no wind or else I'd definitely be inside somewhere trying to study.

"You wanna go back to my apartment if you're so shy?" the girl purrs back insinuatingly.

"Kara," whines the guy, "I've got a test tomorrow. I need to study."

God, this guy bellyaches a lot; though, from the tone of his voice I can tell he's seriously contemplating going back to her apartment. He's a guy with a dick after all.

"I promise I'll let you study ... afterwards," giggles the girl.

The girl's just as horny as he is complainer.

They both laugh and even though I'm not peering around the tree I can sense a kiss in the silence. Their winter coats rustle in the cold air and I stop pretending that I'm actually getting any reading done and look up from my book. I can see part of the guy's back as he's leaning down into the kiss. I don't know if they're in love, but the fact that they can openly make out in the open leaves me feeling a little jealous and moreover sad.

Must be nice.

"Eeeek!" squeals the girl.

I gasp and jump at the same time sending my notes to the ground. I must have sighed a little to loud just then and caught the girl's attention.

"Huh ... wh ... what?" says the guy whipping around and shielding the girl protectively.

I manage a weak smile and wave a simple hi.

In a matter of seconds the guy's face registers numerous things each of which I catch. At first he's pissed that I'm there on the bench watching them. Then the realization hits him that I'm not the one that decided to have a make out session in the middle of the quad. Then his face turns beet read and he stammers, "Uh...s...sorry about that, guy. Didn't' see you sitting there."

"It's ok," I reply feeling kind of pissed and amused at the same time. I'm more pissed than amused, though.

All three of just sit there and say nothing for a couple of seconds and then I decide to make a big show of getting my books and notes into my backpack. "Well, the quad is all yours now. I'm going to head to the library where it's warm. Have a good one."

I start walking away when I hear the girl gasp, "Oh my god. I'm so embarrassed."

I don't look back. I just keep walking briskly towards the library half pissed and half wanting to cry. I don't really know why I'm pissed. Actually I do. People like them have it so easy. They don't have to worry about getting beat up if someone catches them kissing out in the quad even if it was full of students and in the middle of summer. It's ok for them. It's acceptable.

Me, on the other hand is any other story entirely. You can't begin to imagine what some people would do if they found two guys kissing together in private far away from everyone much less out in public. It wasn't... well it's just not fair. I guess that's what's making me feel like wanting to cry right now. It's so normal what they have. And my life right now is anything but normal. There's all that shit with the murders and the media and then there's Jeff. I really, really do like him but how am I supposed to have a normal relationship with him when he doesn't really know me. I can't tell him. I'd stop hustling but I need the money. Then of all things there's final exams to deal with.

They're days, moments really, when I feel like I have a handle on one thing and I know what to do to make it all work out. But, then I go remember something else and it all just falls apart in my head. I never can seem to get ahead. I get so fucking frustrated and it's all hitting at once, you know?

I get into the library and find a place to sit among the crowded tables. It's not how I like to study, but it will have to do. Though the walk to the library has soothed my anger, I still find it hard to concentrate on studying. My mind keeps wandering from one thing to another: from Jeff to Ian to Harold to Tim, and you get the picture. Forty-five minutes later I still haven't gotten past the first page of my notes.

Ah fuck! Maybe I should just fuck the finals, drop out of college, and have Ian teach me everything he knows about being a mechanic – not! Ian. Fuck, I was such a shit to him that night. After we'd held each other for a few minutes he got up and started pacing all over his apartment and repeating, "Oh my God" over and over while I just sat there stunned. I remember looking for my shoes and socks and getting ready to leave when he grabbed me by the shoulders begging me to stay with him. But I said I couldn't. He was way too wound up for me and I just wanted to go home and crawl into my bed and sleep for days. Which I almost did, but I managed to get up the next day and get on with my life and classes. I feel bad for leaving Ian in the lurch like that when he needed someone especially since he's really reached out to me. I really should go and see him after finals and see how he's doing.

I squeeze my eyes shut and pinch the bridge of my nose trying to shake those thoughts so I can study for a little while longer on Ancient Myceanean Civilizations. It shouldn't be too hard of a final - just memorizing pictures and slides of pottery and excavation sites.

A couple of hours later I'm off to the review session. The classroom is full unlike the way it was during most of the semester with students not bothering to show up. The professor is a bit of a bore, so you can't blame them for not coming, but now the room is packed. Halfway through the review there's a knock on the door and the professor is called away to deal with whoever is there.

A few moments later a university police officer pokes his head back through the door and the professor points in my direction. He couldn't be pointing at me, right? Everyone around me glances at me and they must be wondering what I had done. I look behind me thinking that he has to have pointed at someone behind me. There has to be! There must be some other student sitting right behind me who has an overdue book, hadn't registered for the class, paid his tuition or stole a car. But the girl sitting behind is looking right back at me with this look on her face as if to say what an asshole I am for even thinking that this has anything to do with her.

"Mr. Garza, could you come down here for a second? These gentlemen would like to speak with you," said the professor.

These men? There's more than the one? Fuck! What the hell do they want with me? My stomach drops to my knees and I haltingly get up from seat not knowing whether I'm supposed to take my books or leave them or what. I decide to take them since I have no idea how long this is going to take.

Shit! The room goes silent as everyone stares wondering what the hell I must have done. I take a deep breath and walk over to the door where I find the police officer and some other guy in a suit.

"If you don't mind," says the professor turning to the officer, "but I'd like to get back to my review. I have a tight schedule today.

"Go right ahead, Professor Devon," says the officer. "We won't keep you."

With that the professor shuts the door and I'm left standing outside in the hall with the cop and the guy in the suit.

"Mr. Carlos Garza?" asks the guy in the suit. He's a big guy who's taller and a lot rounder than me wearing a blazer that's about 2 sizes too small to go around his belly. His face is puffy and red like someone who's known way too many hamburgers and beers.

"Uh...y...yeah?" I stammer.

"I'm Detective Collins with the City's Homicide Division and this is Officer Meneffee of the University Police Department. I'd like to ask you a few questions about the murders of Scott Turow and Tim Hegemon."

My face must have done something stupid like lose its color or drop my jaw to floor or both, "I...I... uhm...Tim who?" Shit. How does he know that I knew those guys?

"Mr. Garza," he grumbles in a thick voice, "Let me level with you." He places his rough hand on my shoulder and pulls me to him, "I don't have time for any bullshit, ok? There's things I know about you already. For instance I know you're an escort and that you work for Harold Jebens. The same Harold Jebens that employed the two murder victims. And you want to know who told me that?" he asks sarcastically. "Your boss Harold did". "So cut the innocent act."

Oh shit! I'm going to fucking jail! I tense up and his grip on my shoulder only gets stronger.

Detective Collins must have read my mind cause the next thing he says is, "No. No I'm not going take you in. I'm not vice cop so I don't give a shit what you do for turning a few bucks. But what I do care about is catching whoever it was that killed your playmates," he sneers the word playmates and shakes me a bit. "So that being said I really don't have any time for your crap. The longer we wait the more likely another buddy of yours ends up in pieces." He lets me go and pulls on his thick mustache waiting for me to say something.

I nod my head and look down at the floor wishing that it would just open up and swallow me whole. I guess there's no point in not cooperating. Sensing my hesitancy he adds, "I'm just going to ask you some questions. Now we can do this here on campus at the campus police station or we can take a ride down in my squad car to the precinct station house.

"Uhm, h ... here is fine," I stutter. I know a threat when I hear one. Officer Meneffee speaks up, "We can walk there from here, Detective Collins. The campus station's only a 5 minute walk across campus by the football stadium."

"Alright," responds the Detective.

We leave the building and I walk sandwiched in between the university officer and Detective Collins and I'm just praying that I don't run into anyone that I know. I feel like throwing up despite my best efforts to keep from freaking out. I keep telling myself that if they really wanted to arrest me or take me in for something serious they already have had me in cuffs and in a car headed to the city jail.

We're almost to the station when I hear someone call me from behind. "Carlos?"

I turn to find Jeff standing there with his swim gear slung over his shoulder. "Oh, hi." I smile. Ok what the fuck am I gonna do now?

The detective and the officer stop as I turn to talk to Jeff and I hope they won't say anything. "I'm ok. It's nothing," I smile my broadest smile and trying to put on my best show voice. "I...I just had some of stuff stolen from the library while I went to the bathroom and I'm going with these guys to file a report." I laugh trying to make light of the whole situation. "They're hoping I can point someone out in a lineup."

The officer and the Detective Collins exchange a quick glance with each other wondering what the hell I'm talking about. It's an exchange that's not lost of Jeff as he probes further, "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine," I reply emphatically patting his arm through his leather jacket. "Don't worry."

He raises his eyebrow quizzically. Ok, he's not buying this. "So, if you're going with these guys to look at photos what good is that going to do if you were in the bathroom at the time your stuff was stolen? And besides you seem to have your bag with you and your stuff."

Shit. He's got a point. I gotta come up with a way out of this. "Well ... "

"That's because what got stolen was his wallet and his calculator," interrupted Detective Collins in a strained voice. "And he might have actually seen the guy or girl for that matter lurking around the library stacks while he was studying. These types of criminals stalk their victims and choose to go for people they know who have stuff of value. We've got some mug shots of some of these thieves we've caught in the past. He could identify one of them."

"Oh," was Jeff's simple reply. The explanation from the detective himself seems to have assuaged his worries.

"So, if you don't mind, we'd like to get going," adds Detective Collins.

"Sure. No prob," replies Jeff simply. Turning to me he adds, "Hey, if you need any money or anything let me know, ok? I don't want you going without food or anything like that."

My heart swells a bit with the offer. I can't believe he's offering to help me like this, but on the other hand I really can't take the offer since I really haven't had anything stolen. "Nah, it's ok. They really didn't get much cash and I've already cancelled my credit card. Thanks, though," I smile back. Gawd, no one's offered to help me like that since Cal. It's a nice feeling.

"Are you sure, cause it's not a problem," he presses further while placing his hand on my shoulder comfortingly.

"Yeah, I'm sure," I reply with a smile.

"Mr. Garza," says Detective Collins tersely reminding me that we need to get going.

I turn back and glance at him. I can tell I don't want to push it any further with him. Already he's done me a favor, for some reason, by keeping my cover with that phony explanation to Jeff. "Ok... I'm sorry." Turning to Jeff I say, "Hey, I gotta go, ok? I'll catch you later."

He leans into me as if he's going to kiss me and I instinctively flinch. He lets go of my arm realizing that I really don't want to kiss in front of the police. He sighs, "Yeah ok. Call me, ok?"

"Ok"

He turns and starts in the direction where his friends had been heading.

"That's no one of your johns, is it?" asks Officer Meneffee as we continue to the station.

"No," I answer sternly looking at the guy like he's crazy. See what I mean. If it were that couple from the quad earlier, that wouldn't have been a problem to them, but since it's two guys they assume the worst.

Putting his hands up mock surrender he says, "Hey, hey! Don't get pissed at me. I'm not the hustler here. I see a guy offer a guy like you money and I have to wonder if it's on the up and up."

"He's not a john, ok?" I reply angrily and start heading in the direction of the police station with the detective and the officer in tow.

"Oh, I see. He's one of you then," smirks the officer thinking that he's got it all figured out. "He seems to have a pretty expensive leather jacket for a student."

"No," I whirl around and face Meneffee squarely as we're entering campus police station. "He's not. He just happens to come from a wealthy family, ok? He has nothing to do with this."

"Ooooh. A wealthy family," replies Meneffee mockingly. "So, you figure this guy is your meal ticket out of here."

Ok, I've had it! The guy is just pushing my buttons for the hell of it! I don't care if I'm in the middle of a police station full of cops. I'm going to deck this smug son of a bitch. "Fuck you..."

"Hey!" barks out Detective Collins while grabbing me from the arms. Damn, despite the guy looking all fat and pudgy the guy sure is stronger than he looks. "Cut the crap! Both of you," he adds nodding in the direction of the officer. "If you don't mind officer, I'll do the questioning."

The officer stops and leads us to the interrogation room. Some of the other police officers who had rushed out into the foyer when they heard us yelling are eyeing me menacingly thinking that I might just try something again. Meneffee opens the room and starts to seat himself when Detective Collins asks him to leave.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to do this alone." The look on Detective Collins' face leaves no room for arguing and the officer leaves us in the small room. I try to get my heart rate down and calm down enough to take in my surroundings. Sweat is dampening my shirt and dripping down my forehead after having exerted myself like I did. I'm in a small room with a couple of chairs around a small table - your typical interrogation room you'd see in something like a Law and Order episode

"You want something to drink," asks Detective Collins flatly. I refuse with a shake of my head. I don't like this guy. I can deal with that Barney Fife of a police officer out there. He's a dumb ass but this guy is different – more dangerous. Police like him don't go out on a limb and cover for people like me like he did with Jeff unless they want something.

"So," he says leaning back in his chair with his hands on his head. "Was that your boyfriend I just lied to out there?"

"No," I say simply and quietly trying to watch my tone of voice.

"Hmmm," says the detective nodding his head. "He's not because you don't let him."

I don't say anything. I just stare blankly at the wall behind him.

"But I figure you don't let him because he doesn't know you hustle," he adds. "You're afraid that if he knew the truth that he'd drop you just like that," he says snapping his fingers.

I bite my lower lip in frustration. I hate it when I get dissected like this. It's one thing to have Harold do it but it's entirely another when some cop is doing it to get under your skin. I decide to answer to truthfully, "Yeah, it's something like that."

He eyes me a couple of seconds analyzing what I said as much as how I said it. He then reaches in his blazer for a pen and starts writing, "Ok, let's get this going so you can get back to your guy before he starts worrying again."

I let that pass – not that I had much choice.

"So did you know Tim and Scott outside of the hustling thing you do for Harold?" he asks.

Fuck. What if Harold finds out I started talking about his business. I try and figure out a way to tell him only what he needs to know. "I didn't know them at all. I just saw them once and a while."

"And where did you see them," he pokes further not bothering to look up from his pad.

"Uhm...just out at the bars, you know." I better not say that I would see them at Harold's for our monthly meetings. That's definitely something he doesn't need to know.

"The one off of 8th and North Main," I add.

"So you never talked to them at all," he asks.

"No."

Ok," he says while adding to his notes. He shifts in his seat, "So how long have you been working for Harold Jebens?"

Fuck what do I say? "Ah... well," I say trying to stall.

"Look, son, don't lie to me or hold anything back. I'm actually trying to help you by catching whoever is doing this. There's no reason for you to hold back," he says.

Oh yes there is. He wasn't there the last time Harold talked to all his hustlers and warned us about saying anything. I look down between my legs struggling with what to say. "It's not...it's not that."

"Ah," I light coming off in Detective Collins head, "you're worried about what old man Harold's gonna do if he finds out you've been talking. You don't need to worry about that. The last thing that man is going to do is try and whack one of his boys in the middle of a murder investigation. You don't think we'd be all over him if more of his boys starting dropping left and right. As it is he's still a suspect."

That makes sense, I guess and I nod my head in understanding.

"So, how long have you been working for Harold?"

"For about 4 and a half years."

He continues to take his notes and asks me more questions about the kinds of johns I service, what they are like, if anyone sticks out in my mind for any particular reason, and so on down the line. I answer all his questions as best as I can hoping that he's right in that Harold won't come after me for talking. It takes all of 30 or 40 minutes since there's not much that I can tell him. I really didn't know Scott and Tim all that well and didn't know anything of value for his investigation.

"Well, I guess you're free to go for now. I have your address and phone number from the school records here at the university," he says putting his pen back in his blazer. I nod in understanding.

He then leans forward and grips my wrist in a vide-like grip, "Now, this is the way I see it. I did you a favor out there with your boy. I could have easily blown your cover, but I didn't. Now it's your turn to scratch my back. I want you to keep an eye out for anything or anyone suspicious since I don't expect you to follow my advice and go get a regular job."

"Uh, ok," I promise. There's no harm in that I guess.

"But, he interrupts menacingly, "if I find out that you're holding back anything about this investigation, all bets are off. I'll go find that boy of yours out there and bring him in for questioning and that wouldn't be a nice way for him to really get know you, would it?"

I take a deep breath and try and control my anger. I stand to head to the door and grimace a reply, "Ok, I promise to tell you if I come across anything."

"Good, you do that."

I exit the room and leave the station for my apartment – fuck the review. I'll just have to go over my class notes and the few review notes that I took before leaving class today. Thankfully I don't run into any problems or the dumb ass officer before I make to the bus stop. I need time to think about what all this really means and how to deal with Harold when he calls. I know I'm supposed to be on call tonight and I'm dreading answering the page from Harold. What do I say? Does he really know that they called? More importantly for me is what will he do when he finds out.

I board the bus choosing to say at the very back seat on the bus. I don't want to be seen by anyone. I try and remain calm on the ride there. It's like I feel I have this sign on me that says, "I just snitched to the police" and everyone can see it. The window pane feels cold on my head as lean on it and close my eyes. I just wish that I could open my eyes and find myself somewhere else and in someone else's life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

- 1987 -

I'm so fucking happy and wide awake that I'm starving! I've barely slept since coming in from the debate trip last night and I'm surprised I'm this spry and alert and hungry too! Though it's way early on Sunday morning I decide a bowl of cereal is in order and head to the kitchen making sure not to make too much noise. My brother could sleep through anything but my mother on the hand is like me – anything could wake her. Hell, a pin drop from the neighbors across the street could wake us up.

Yesterday was the best day of my life. Everything that I had hoped for has come true. At least I hope it has. Maybe this is a dream like that freaky season on Dallas. Cal never kissed me and he doesn't love me and I'm going to find someone in my shower.

Ok, so I'm a glutton for punishment. It's just that things never seem to work out for me, you know? All last night I kept waking up thinking that all of what happened was a dream – that all of it only happened in my head. Then, I tried hard to remember what I had actually done the day before since I'd convinced myself everything else was really a dream. After a few minutes I'd start to laugh because it all really did happen! He really did kiss me and he really does love me. And I love him.

Each time I tried really hard to get to sleep but I couldn't wait for the morning. I listened to music, rearranged my closet, and even cleaned up my desk. But now it's just past dawn and I give up on getting more sleep.

I reach for the cereal box on top of the refrigerator and very, very quietly open the door to grab the milk. The cereal hisses as the milk pours through to the bottom of the bowl. I wonder if Cal is awake. Maybe he and I can have breakfast together. Is it too early to call? Would it seem too desperate? Ah hell, let me...

"Carlos what are you doing up so early? It's only 7:30?"

"Shit!" I jump out of my skin and I slosh some cereal to the floor from the bowl that I was holding.

My mom eyes me suspiciously. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," I groan grabbing for some paper towels.

"Right," she says folding her arms across her chest. It's her way of saying that she's not buying my bullshit today. "So you didn't answer me. Why are you up so early?" she presses further.

God, this woman can't ever let anything go. She's ok most of the time, but if something is out of whack or someone does something out of the ordinary, she gets suspicious as hell.

"I just woke up hungry. Is that ok?" I reply while on my hand and knees wiping up the mess I made.

She unfolds her arms and considers me for a second. "But you never wake up this early on Sunday. Usually I have to wait till 10:30 to get you awake," she says. "Mother," I say getting up from the floor. "I just woke up hungry, ok? I didn't eat much last night and woke up really hungry. They didn't stop on the way back from the tournament."

She stares at me for a second considering all this before she answers, "Ok, but make sure you rinse the cereal bowl. I don't want to sit there and scrape dried cereal off the bowl because you forgot to rinse it. And, you're up to something or you did something. I know you."

"What!" I laugh back. "I just want cereal! Is that a crime?" I can't fucking believe this.

"I heard you in your room last night. It was 3:30 in the morning and it sounded like you were having a party. What were you doing?"

"Nothing, just cleaning my room. I couldn't sleep," I say. Shit. She must have heard me last night when I couldn't get back to bed. "I thought you'd be happy that my room is clean."

"Well yes, but most people don't decide to do it in the middle of the night and then that grin on your face and the way you jumped... well, let's just say that I know my son," she smiles this time. Ok, she's gonna let up after all. "Listen, I want you ready by 11 to go to your grandmother's. It's her birthday and I want us to be there to help with the kids."

"WHAT!" There go my plans to have breakfast with Cal. "Mother," I whine and drop my shoulders like I'm 10 years old again. "Do I have to?"

"Yes!" she says in her warning tone. "She's your grandmother and you never know how much longer she'll be with us. So I want and your brother ready to go at 11!"

"Fine," I grumble and take the rest of my cereal to my room. On the way there I grab the phone from the hall and take it into my room to call Cal. Don't get the wrong idea. I love my mom and she loves me. It's just that she can make me go from super calm and happy to stressed and tensed out in less than a second. I think all mothers are like that, though.

I start dialing Cal's number and wonder again if this is too early for me to call. Did I ever really call him this early before? Fuck it. I'll just call. It rings three times before I hear him answer. Shit! I woke him up. He's gonna be mad at me.

"Hullo," he says sounding like he's been asleep. At least I think he was asleep.

"Uh, hi ... It's ... it's me," I stammer into the phone.

"Hey, me. How are you," he chuckles into the phone. "You're up early."

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called and woken you up so early," I say dismayed that he might really be mad.

"No, no," he utters soothingly reading my tone of voice. "It's ok. I'm glad you called. I was just thinking about you actually."

"Really?" I smile back into the phone.

"Really," he laughs. "So what's going on? You want to do something today?"

My cheeks flush. I can't believe this. He wants to do something with me, but then I remember that I have to go my grandmother's later. "Fuck!"

"Ooookay, he says. "If that's how you really feel about it."

"No, it's not like that. It's just that my mother is making me go to my grandmother's today for her birthday and I have no idea how long I'm going to be there." I pause. "I really do want to see you."

"Whew, you had me scared there for a second," he says sounding relieved. "I thought you were having second thoughts about last night."

"No, not at all. Gawd," I chortle into the phone, "you have no idea how wrong you are. I kept waking up all night thinking that last night was a dream and that you really didn't like me."

"Why would you dream something like that?" he asks.

"I don't know. It's just that this seems too good to be true and besides why would someone like you would like me?"

"Don't say that. It's like I told you last night. There are tons of reasons why I love you," he replies emphatically. "Can't you believe me especially after last night." I sigh into the phone realizing what an idiot I'm being. "Sorry."

"And you're going to have to stop saying that too. You're driving me nuts," he replies with a chuckle. "Hey, it's still early enough for you to come over before you have to go with your mom. You want to come over?"

My heart leaps at the thought, "Yeah, that would be great. We could have some breakfast together. I spilt most of mine of the floor."

"What?"

"Nothing, I'll tell you later when I get there. It won't take me long to get dressed. Let me tell my mom and I'll be right over."

"Ok, see you when you get here."

I hang up the phone, get dressed, and cajole my mother into letting me go to Cal's house. I promised her that I would be back in time for us to go to my grandmothers. She agreed and I think partly due to the fact that he only lives 3 blocks away.

On the way there I look around at my neighborhood and everything is still the same but it's not, you know? I'm not quite sure what's happened. I shove my hands in my pockets and absent-mindedly kick at the loose gravel on the street. Something's changed. But, this is like any other time that I've walked the same path to Cal's house. There's Kiwi, Mrs. Gonzalez's pet Doberman, in the backyard passed out as usual - not much of a guard dog. The 1974 Lincoln is still covered up in Mr. Norton's backyard – has like 500 miles on it and about that many spider webs inside. And then there's Mr. Davis out on his front porch smoking his Parliament cigarettes – at 75 he's still clicking along after 50 plus years of smoking. I smile and politely wave at him; a gesture he returns.

Everything is the same, but I guess what's changed is me – and my relationship to Cal. This is the first time going there as his... boyfriend? Or am I his lover? But we haven't done anything sexual yet. Well there was the make out session on the bus... Oh fuck! What's my problem? It's only been since last night! Take it easy, boy... one day at a time... one visit at a time... like this one... the first. Wow! Is he going to kiss me? Are we going to do anything more than kiss?

Do I want to?

Yes.

Fuck.

I knew that I loved him... I still love him, but I never thought I'd find myself here like this. It's like I said before I just haven't quite made the connection that when you love someone like I love Cal that there's the physical aspect to contend with. I don't know what to do.

I laugh out loud to myself as I near Cal's house. I remember when I was a kid and played truth or dare with my friends I used to say that you could never pay me enough me to get me to kiss a guy. How things change, huh?

I arrive at his door and pause just a second before knocking, bracing myself for whatever happens.

"Hey," he says smiling holding the door open. I laugh. His hair is a fucking mess – bed head of brown hair going every which way. He's in a t-shirt that he should have given away a long time ago. It's way too small for him. It could fit somebody as small as... as me. The shorts were no better either. He's had them at least since freshman year and while they did the trick then they now looked like something Madonna would wear.

"Hi," I smile back. The laugh has made my tension ease up a bit. "Your clothes shrunk and what? Trying to look like David Bowie?" For a second there it was like nothing had changed between us. We're just best friends and I'm coming over for a visit.

He laughs back. "Yeah, I kinda just lolled around in bed after we hung up - too lazy to get up. Come in. My parents left for church so it's just us."

"Oh really?" I say raising an eyebrow. And then just like that everything's not the same again.

"Heh, yeah really, you perv," he laughs.

I follow him to his room where he proceeds to sit on his bed. Normally I would have sat anywhere ... his desk, but this time I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm still nervous about all this. Should I kiss him? When are you supposed to kiss?

He smiles and looks down at his feet. I'm guessing he's nervous as I am. "So ... uhm ... what would you ... um like to do? You hungry?"

I bite my lip and smile partly out of nervousness and partly from the fact that I'm not the only one anxious here. "Yeah," I move to stand in front of him and playfully tease, "make me something to eat, boy." I offer him my hand and I wait for him to take it. I hold my breath. I wonder if he'll take my hand.

After staring at my hand for a second or two he glances up with a nervous smile and grabs my hand. His large hand engulfs my small one and I haul him up to his feet and I pull him close to me. Damn. He's so much bigger than me. I look down at his feet and remember when I used to stand head to head with him, but he passed me up in height somewhere along our sophomore year. My free hand haltingly snakes around his waist and I pull him closer looking at the space between us. I just don't dare to look at him right now. I'm too afraid that I've gone too far – that this isn't real.

"Hey," he whispers cupping my chin and tilting my head to look at him. "You ok?"

When I look in his eyes I don't see rejection or anger, even though I'm expecting it. Instead I see the person I fell in love with – the boy that makes me feel safe; the one who despite Yvette never gave up on me. I've never felt so safe in my entire life.

My breath catches, "Uh... yeah."

He smiles warmly, "I want this too, you know?" He pauses. "I'm just as nervous as you are, but I need you to believe that I want this."

"I'm sorry..."I try and look away ashamed that I had doubted his intentions from last night but he stops with his hand on my face.

"Carlos, look at me." His eyes are teary and resolute. "Stop this. Don't do this to yourself. I know you think this isn't real or this is some kind of joke. It's not like that."

"How do you know what I'm feeling?" I ask in a whisper.

"Because," he says stroking my cheek, "You're my best friend. I know you and I know what you've been through these past several years with Claudia and the rest of the class. I've seen what it's done to you. You're a strong guy - there's no doubt at that. I wouldn't have been able to survive like you have. But like you told me the other night after the party there's only so much you can take before it starts getting to you. I can see that."

I stay quiet not knowing what to say.

"This is real, Carlos," he says gripping our hands to his chest. "I love you." Not one to leave a good thing alone I push him further. I need to know. I need to understand, "But why? Why do you love me? Look at me," I say taking a step back gesturing for him to take a good look at me. "I'm this short, pimply boy with glasses that no one should have ever let me bought. I'm a geek!"

He pulls me back and wraps his arms around me, "You're more than just that. Yes you have acne and I'm taller than you and I do have to agree with you about those glasses," he smiles. "But, I still love you. Do you remember when I broke up with Yvette and I told you that I needed some time to think about things and that I was not going to be myself?

"Yeah."

"Well it's like I started to tell you last night. When I started to think about the people that really meant the most to me in my life you kept coming out on top of the list. Everybody else like Yvette and Claudia never made the list. They weren't the ones who were there for me when things got bad or when I wanted to share something important. I'd thought about all those times like that and realized that I was the happiest when sharing them with you. Yvette never made me feel like that.

"And I think I knew all this way before I broke up with Yvette but I was too chicken-shit to admit it to myself. So I kept it buried and I just went along with Yvette and did whatever she wanted me to until she asked me to stop hanging out with you. That's when things came to a head for me." He pauses for a second and lifts my hand to kiss it. "But I wasn't going to let you go. So...uhm," he starts hesitating a bit, "I made that deal with Yvette that I'm not proud of..."

I reach up and put my hand to his cheek, "I told you I'm over that."

"I know," he says turning his face into the palm of my hand before kissing it. "Then when I thought I had crossed the line by almost kissing you a few weeks ago I was so lost. I couldn't bear losing you. I'd gone through so much to keep you in my life and there I had thought I'd gone pushed you out myself."

"But you didn't," I respond.

"Yeah, and it took you to pull me to my senses last night. You were the one that had the balls to come out and face this – not me. So you ask me again why it is that I like you? You're smart, funny, one of the bravest people I've ever known and above all you are my best friend. I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You're everything I've ever wanted in a ... partner."

A warm calm physically spreads across my chest and I lean forward to cradle my head on his shoulder. I believe him now. "I love you."

"And I love you."

We don't say anything for a while. I just want to enjoy the sensation of being held in his arms.

"Partner, huh?" I laugh thinking about what he'd called me.

"Yeah," he laughs. "I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to call you. I was afraid you'd find boyfriend too weird."

"Nah, boyfriend is fine. Partner sounds too much like we're getting ready to go into a debate round." I look into his eyes for the first time confident that he really does love me.

"Ok, boyfriend it is," he grins.

I lean in closer and he meets me half way. He caresses my face and kisses me softly at first and then he increases the intensity like he's trying to show me that I belong to him now. I press myself closer to him and feel his body envelope mine and my dick begins to stir. Instinctively my hips begin to sway and rub against him. How I knew to do that I have no idea. It's not like Anna and I had even gone beyond a heavy make out session (she's not that kind of girl). Shit. And I was worried that I wasn't going to know what to do when it came right down to the nuts and bolts.

I can tell also that I'm not the only one responding. I've never seen Cal naked but I can tell the dimensions of his penis through those "barely there" shorts as he presses up against me. As we kiss it continues to harden and mine matches its pace. I'd never felt some other guy's dick like that and when I realize full well what it is I jump back a bit. He breaks the kiss. "Sorry about that," he whispers huskily while his face is flushed.

I look down embarrassed that I'd let myself get carried away like that. "It's ok."

"I thought you were hungry?" he murmurs in my ear.

"I am," I say resting my forehead against his chest, "but I don't want to move from here."

"Come here," he says leading me to kitchen by the hand. "Let me make you something. Besides you said your breakfast ended up on the floor earlier."

"Oh yeah," I smile. I tell him the story of how my mom scared the shit out of me earlier this morning while he whips out some eggs, bacon, and toast for both of us. We sit at the table next to each other while we eat and he keeps reaching out to hold my hand and places his feet over mine under the table.

"I had no idea you were so attention starved," I tease him while I swallow some milk. "Were you always like this even with Yvette?"

"Nah, she was more sexual than anything else. She was never much for showing affection," he answers.

"Oh, you and Yvette had sex?" I asked stunned.

He looks down as if embarrassed. "Uh, yeah ... um ... well she was more experienced than ... than I was when we first started going out."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business."

"No, don't. It's ok, really. I want to talk to you about this. You have a right to know. I just don't want you comparing yourself to her, ok? And I don't want you to think bad of me for having slept with her."

"I don't. I just hadn't thought that... that you and she had done it, you know? That's all," I say trying to reassure him.

"What about you? Have you done it?" he asks turning the tables on me.

My face turns a bright red, "Ah, that would be no."

"You mean you and Anna never..." his voice trails off as he makes a vague gesture with his hands.

God, I'm so embarrassed. I put my hand over my face. "No."

"Well that's nothing to be ashamed of," he says grabbing my hand from my face. "Not everyone's on the same time schedule." He kisses my hand again and tries to a coax a smile from me. "I still love you."

It works. "I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it kinda freaks me out," I answer while tracing the lines on the palm of his hand with my finger.

"What does?"

"This whole sex thing. Especially after I almost got carried away in your room when we were kissing. I mean ... I ... I love you so much. But, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do," I splutter. "Are you and I ... that is ... er only if you wanted to, ok?" I get up and begin to pace and speaking faster thinking it would be easier if I just got it all out in a rush. "Cause I'm not sure I want to... uh wait." I stop and hang on the edge of table. Shit, I hope he doesn't get the wrong idea. "Let me rephrase. I'm pretty sure I want to 'cause you are sooooo fucking beautiful and sometimes ..." I start to say but lose my train of thought just imagining him undressed; remembering when I saw his back flex in the pool, "and uh sometimes ... like when we've been swimming I see you ... get ... um ... out ... of ... the you know ... um pool and uh you're just ... wow!" I catch myself ogling him and start frantically pacing again, "But, how do we? ... And ..."

"Stop it," he puts in a bear hug from behind. "You're going to give yourself a stroke." He rests his chin on my shoulder and whispers in my ear. "Chill out. Everything is going to be ok. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, ok?"

God, I'm such a freak. I sag my body against his and let him take my full weight. I don't worry that he'll drop me since I don't weight that much. "I'm sorry." He sighs but doesn't let go. "Don't be," he pauses for a second. It seems like he's looking for the right words, "Look, about the sex. I'm just as nervous as you are. Before this I'd never thought about having sex with another guy, but I know that I want to show you how much I love you. I want to make you feel good, but we can wait until we're both ready, ok?"

"Ok," I turn and place my head on his shoulder again. "Thank you. That's been really on my mind lately. I didn't know how you'd feel about it."

"Don't ever be afraid to talk to me"

"The same goes for you," I reply.

Still in his arms I reach up and bring his mouth to mine and we share a sensual kiss - slow and passionate. I could stay like this forever.

We finish eating our breakfast before heading back to his room. Once there he leads me to the bed and we lay there together and just relish the feeling of being in each other's arms.

"There's one thing that we still need to talk about," he says breaking the warm, beautiful silence we were sharing.

"What's that?" I ask.

"What about Anna?"

And just like that I'm not so happy anymore. Fuck. "Damn," I whisper.

"I'm sorry, but I just think we need to talk about Anna. What are you ... that is what are we going to do about Anna?" he asks quietly.

I feel a flash of anger when he mentions Anna like that. Like she's a problem the way Yvette was. But, Yvette can't even come close to touching Anna. Anna is 100% pure class. But I let it pass. I know he didn't mean it like that.

"I don't know yet," I answer truthfully and solemnly. "I don't know." I repeat quietly.

He wraps me in his arms and strokes my hair, "Whatever happens I just want you to know that you are so worth this. I wouldn't trade this for anything." Sensing my turmoil he places his hand over my heart, "I don't want you think that I'm going to make you do anything rash. I know Anna is a great girl..."

"Yeah she's awesome," I interrupt while staring a hole into the ceiling.

"Hey," he says shaking me gently, "it will be ok. We'll deal with this together." "I know," I say turning to face him. "It's... it's just that Anna doesn't deserve this. Aside from you she's the only one who has stuck by me through everything. I love her, but I love her as a friend now. She's the one who should be swept away on some fucking white horse – not me. Oh fuck. What am I going to do?"

"What are we going to do," he corrects.

"I don't know." I repeat quietly.

I'm so conflicted. I can feel happiness just within my grasp, but as usual, there's something to crash to the party. Not that Anna deserves to be labeled that. But, fuck! What am I going to do? As I lay there wrapped in Cal's arms I marvel at the fact that two such incredible people could be in love with me. It's unreal.

"Anna deserves the truth," I say out loud.

"Are ... are you sure you want to do that?" his hands stops rubbing my chest. I turn to look at him, "Do you think she deserves to be lied to? How are we going to do this at school when I'm with her? How are you going to feel?"

He closes his eyes and sighs, "I know. I'll be fine. I know that I love you and that you love me and that's enough for me."

"Are you sure?" I press.

He sighs and turns to look up at the ceiling, "No."

I lean over and recapture his hand, "I'm sorry, Cal. I can't string Anna along like that. It's not right. She deserves better. My god, does she deserve better!" His eyes start tearing up, "I know."

"Hey, hey ... what's wrong?" I ask soothingly.

"It's just... it's that our love can hurt so many people – not just Anna. What are our families going to think? My parents? Your parents? People at school?"

"I don't know," I reply honestly and reeling from the realization that the rest of the world still has to pass judgment on us when they find out. "We'll try and keep a low profile and not draw too much attention to ourselves, I guess. We'll have to spend time alone together, which won't be too hard. People already expect us to be together. We'll just have to watch it around my place and be careful here at yours."

"What do you think Anna will do?" he asks with worry in his voice. I close my eyes trying to will away that mental image of me breaking up with Anna. There's no doubt that I'm going to break up with her, but I just can't bear hurting her like that. "I don't know. But I do know that I can't just continue on like if nothing's changed." I lean up on my elbow and look down into his eyes. "Not when I love you."

"I love you too," he replies with a quick kiss.

"So when are you going to tell her?" asks Cal.

"I'm thinking Friday after school. That way it will give me time to work up the nerve to tell her and she'll have the weekend to calm down and work through it all," I say. I can't believe I'm saying this. Anna is such an awesome person but I can't deny loving Cal.

"Are you ok?" I ask Cal.

"Yeah, I'm fine... but it's just like I said. This is going to change everything," he says simply.

I sit up feeling a little scared, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes! I do. I love you," he says pulling me back into his arms. "I told you are so worth all this. I'm not going to give you up, but...but can you blame me for being scared? I don't know what's going to happen. I don't have all the answers either."

I sigh in partly in relief and partly in resignation, "Yeah, I know." Then it hits me. Maybe Anna doesn't need to know the whole truth. "Hey, maybe I don't have to tell her the whole story. She doesn't have to know about us. I can still break up with her but I don't have to tell her the real reason why."

"Then what would you tell her?" Cal asks.

"I could just tell her the most important part when it comes to her – that I don't love her anymore. She wouldn't have to know it's because I fell in love with you."

"Would you be ok with that?" Cal questions.

"Not really. But it's the best I can do at protecting you and sparing her anymore grief than I already know she's going to get. As for the rest of the world, they don't need to know anything. And that includes our families."

I look to Cal and watch for his reaction. He looks down at the bed and plays with a loose thread on his comforter. "Well, it's not like we have a choice. I know for a fact that this wouldn't fly too well with my parents."

"And it wouldn't go too well with mine either, especially my mom," I add placing my hand over his. "But we have each other and that's what matters."

He looks up with a weak smile that says he'd just made a deal with devil. His hand finds my face and pulls me closer for a kiss. "I just want you to know that I'm not crazy about this whole secrecy thing. It's not right that I have to hide how much I love you from everyone. So, don't get it in your head that I'm conflicted about what I feel for you. It has nothing to do with that, ok?"

"Ok," I answer. God, he knows me so well.

I close my eyes while resting my head on his chest. I can feel and hear his heart and I'm so glad that I have the privilege of being so close to him. Just laying with him is a treat. Everything that I do with him is so new – brand new ground for both us. It will take me a while to get used to this.

After a while the phone rings and he reaches over to his nightstand to answer.

"Hello."

I can hear some loud talking on the other end, which sounds like my mom. Oh fuck! I need to get going.

"Yes, Mrs. Garza. He's right here. Uh ... ok. I'll tell him ... you too ... bye."

"Let me guess," I say.

"Yup, get your ass home, boy," he smiles a bit. "Your grandmother awaits." He says in a mock British accent.

I roll my eyes and groan, "Damn, I'm so not up to this." I get up and start trying to erase any signs that Cal and I had been making out. I'm paranoid that it will be written all over my face that I had been kissing a guy.

His arms wrap around me from behind and he pulls me back to him as he kneels on the bed, "It will work out. Together we can do this."

I turn and face him. My heart swells with joy and I lean into kiss him. "I know," I pause a moment to look in his eyes for the umpteenth time this morning. "Hey, I gotta run or else I'll be grounded till you and I are seniors in college."

"Ok," he smiles. "Call me when you get back home."

"I will," I tear myself away from him and let myself out. On the walk back I'm feeling conflicted. I wish I could be truly happy now that Cal and I are together, but the reality of the situation keeps weighing me down. And I just can't bear to think about Anna right now.

But, hey I'm not alone in this. I've got Cal and together we can overcome anything.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

- 1995 -

"I think you'll like this. I got the other day from Wine Market down over by Somers Road. The wine guy said it starts off a bit tart but ends with a sweet flourish," says Jeff waving the glasses in the air.

I take the glass from Jeff and eye the merlot suspiciously. How can a drink be all those things at once? "Well, I'm not much of a wine drinker myself but if you say so." I smile.

He pours himself a glass and he leads me to his living room. His roommate is gone for the Christmas break and Jeff himself is leaving tomorrow to go spend the holidays with his family. So, he had decided to take me to dinner before he left and now here we at his apartment for a "nightcap". Never understood what that meant either.

"Here's to Speedos and coffee: a great combination if I ever heard one," he smiles and clinks his glass to mine before we take a sip.

I must have made some kind of sour face cause he starts laughing, "That bad, huh?"

I look down embarrassed, "Well it's not what I normally drink and in truth I haven't had a glass of wine in several years at least."

He grabs my glass and winks at me, "Ok, I think I have just the thing in the fridge for you. But you better keep this between me and you cause if my roommate found out I gave away one of his beers, he'd be really pissed."

He comes back with a Miller Lite and twists the top off before handing it to me. "There ya go. Better?" he smiles as he settles on the couch next to me.

I take a swig of beer from the bottle. "Yeah, this is great." It's been a great night so far. Dinner was good. We talked about classes and finals and other stuff. I'd passed all my classes including the one I'd missed half the review. Jeff did pretty well too and he'll be starting his student teaching program next semester. Thankfully he hadn't asked me too many questions about the time he ran into me when I was with the police.

I look over at Jeff and notice he's gone a little quiet. Now that's strange. Something must be on his mind. "You ok?"

He snorts out a short laugh. "Ha! I'm that transparent, huh?"

"Well it's just that you're quiet all of a sudden."

He looks down blushing fiercely. "Yeah, when I'm not moving my big mouth that's a pretty good sign something's on my mind." He pauses a bit and rubs his eyebrow with his free hand. "Listen, Carlos," said Jeff staring into his wine glass, "I've been thinking about asking you something. I didn't know how to bring it up before so I'm just gonna blurt it out ok?"

Shit. Not the cop thing. "Uh, ok?"

"Would you like to come spend Christmas with me and my family?" he said in a rush.

What!? This I wasn't expecting. "What... I...uh... gee I don't know. I mean I'm flattered, but I wouldn't want to intrude..."

Jeff puts his glass down and grabs my hand. "No, you wouldn't. I'd like you to come and meet my family."

I look down at our hands and then up at him. There are times when you are faced with certain facts – when reality comes crashing in on your favorite fantasy and wakes you up with a bitch slap. I'm sitting here with a really great guy and he's holding my hand and asking me if he can take me home to mom. But, I just don't think I can do this. I mean I like Jeff but like a burnt out refrain from a song my head chants, "He doesn't even know you."

So how can I accept this offer and pretend to be someone for him let alone for his whole entire family? Lord knows what he's told them about me and I'm not sure I could live up to the picture he's painted of me. For all I know he's already told them that I'm the one for him. The guy he's going to settle down with and have this DINK (Double Income No Kids) and Ikea lifestyle.

But I'm not that person. And this whole thing is a sham. I just can't. "Listen, Jeff, I'm really flattered and all but I just don't think I'd really fit in and all with your family. I'd feel really awkward and like the fifth wheel."

He leans in closer and grips my hand tighter. I can smell the wine on his breath. "Of course you'd fit in. And you wouldn't be a fifth wheel. My sister is taking her boyfriend and my uncle will be there with his latest wife – Gawd, the man is shameless – so it's not like you would be the only new person there."

I close my eyes and lean my head against his. This is not going to be easy especially when Jeff gets an idea in his head. "Jeff, thank you but no. I wouldn't be comfortable."

"But why? My family's great. You'd love my mom and even my dad. Maybe you and he can watch some football together," he said earnestly.

"Lot of good that will do him. I don't know a thing about football," I said with a laugh.

Jeff looked down at our hands, "I also don't want you to be alone during the holidays. It's not right that you spend it here alone."

Damn. I can take many things from many people but not pity. I pull my hand back from him, "I'll be fine." I must have said it to curtly cause Jeff begins to back- peddle some.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to come out like that," he whispers. "It's just that from what you told me so far I know you're not going home to spend Christmas with your family."

I look at him wondering how he figured that one out.

He must have read my mind and pulls me closer to him. "Carlos, damnit, I'm not that stupid, ok? You think that after all this time that I hadn't noticed that you don't talk about your family? Hell, you don't talk much about your life at all."

"Jeff," I begin to plead hoping that he'd just drop this line of questioning, "there's not much to tell, ok?"

He fixes me with a hard stare, "Why don't you let me be the judge of that. Look I'm not going to lie to you. I like you. I like you a lot. But I don't know you. Better said you don't let me know you. It's like you're hiding something from me every time we're together – like you're ashamed of something."

Damn, maybe he's been hearing the same song in his head that I have. It's too much to handle and I abruptly get up from the couch and walk over to the fireplace where the fire Jeff had lit when we got in is now in crackling loudly. The warmth snakes around my legs and travels up towards my face. "I... I'm not ashamed," I lie.

"Bullshit. Look at you,' he says walking over to where I am by the fireplace. "You're not a very good liar... right now."

"What do you mean 'right now'?" I turn and face him. Shadows play across his face as the fire flickers and dances in the fireplace. His eyes glitter the fire and are just as hard as they were a minute ago.

He rakes his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Swimming, playing pool, coffee, going to the movies, classes – all those things can only take you so far. You purposely avoid telling me anything about you. Anything meaningful. And I just can't take that anymore. I wanted you to come with me for Christmas not just because I felt sorry for you but because I wanted to spend some time getting to know you too."

Now it's not just the heat from the fire warms my cheek. I can't blame him for being angry. What do I do? The last time someone came into my life was Cal and that turned out...well that's another story. "So aren't you taking a risk by asking a stranger to come into your home? I may not be the person you think I am."

"Look," he says putting his hand on my burning cheek, "I don't think I'm wrong about you. Despite the wall you put up I know you are a good person. I just wish you'd trust me enough to let me in." I turn to walk away when he grabs my by the arm, "Don't walk away. Just...just give me a chance... give yourself a chance."

I sigh heavily, "I don't know if I can. It's been a long time since I actually let anyone in my life, ok? The one time I did it was bad, really bad..."

He whispers back, "So you keep saying, but I'm not that other guy. This is me and for better or worse I've let you get to know me for all my faults and all my good parts. I would hope that you can see I'm not some asshole!"

I believe that. But I can see him being that way with other people but not with me. It's funny like that. You can always see the good things and the good people happen to others but never to yourself. Well at least that's the way I think of things.

"So will you come with me?" Jeff continues. "I want to get to know you beyond the swim practices and the classes and the all the movies we've done." He leads me away from the fire and sits me back down on the couch where the cool air of the rest of the room soothes my face. "Will you let me in?"

"You really like me?" I decide to go for broke and make him explain why he likes me. Maybe I can find the myth of me he's created and explain it away. Then he might understand without having me to tell him that I'm an escort.

"Yeah," he speaks softly.

"But why? You've just said you don't even know me?" I say getting up and walking towards the window. I just need to keep moving. It makes me feel a little more in control.

"Damnit, Carlos," Jeff grimaces from behind. "I can't do this anymore, ok? I don't know what happened to you when you were a kid or who it was that fucked you up. I just know that no one not even you can continue you to live like this – pushing people away and never wanting to reach out to anyone."

"Well I'm fucking sorry that not all of us had the charmed life that you have had!" I yell back. I can't believe I yelled back, but damn it felt good. "It's not always easy for the rest of us!"

"Carlos..."starts Jeff.

"No, don't," I say reaching for my jacket in frustration and heading for the door, "I think it's just best that I leave."

"Carlos this is stupid! Don't leave," Jeff says meeting me at the door. "Look I'm sorry if I pissed you off. That's not what I intended to do tonight. I just want us to be closer. Unless... unless you really don't want this... us to happen?"

"No," I say placing my hands to the side of my head. "No, that's not it! I... you wouldn't understand!"

"Then help me understand," Jeff implores.

It hits me like a ton of bricks. Heh. It makes sense now. I'm not afraid that Jeff will hurt me like Cal did. I'm afraid I'll hurt him like I hurt Anna all those years ago. "Help me understand," she said back then just like Jeff now.

"Jeff," I say placing my hand on his cheek softly. The realization having taken most of my frustration I say calmly, "Look, just go have a good holiday with your family and we'll talk about this when you get back."

Jeff eyes me a second and crosses his arms, "Fine."

"I'm sorry for yelling but I promise when you'll get back we'll talk, ok?" I say not knowing if I'll be able to keep that promise.

"I still think this is stupid," he replies simply.

"Stupid or not it's what I'm asking for."

"Ok," he says looking up at the ceiling. I can tell he's trying to hold back the tears. "But...ah before you go. I have something for you." He runs into his room and comes back with a small gift-wrapped box and hands it to me. "Here, Merry Christmas, Carlos," he says solemnly.

Now I feel like a complete shit. "Jeff... I... um... thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I'm sorry, Jeff. I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry," I say earnestly hoping he'll forgive me.

He reaches to open the door. "Sure."

I back out of the apartment into the night, "I don't think you believe me. I really am sorry."

"Carlos," he says softly, "I just need you to go right now. Don't worry, though. I believe you when you say that you're sorry. I just don't know if I can handle someone who won't let me in his life. It's like I'm doing all the work in this relationship slash friendship slash whatever we have here."

"Just give me some time, ok? When you get back I promise we'll talk and I'll tell you what you want to know," I say pulling on my jacket.

He smiles sadly, "Ok, I'll take you up on that. Hey, you need a ride back to your place?"

"Nah, I'll be ok. I think the walk will do me some good. Thanks for dinner," I reply. "Despite the last 15 minutes of tonight I just want to let you know that I really had a good time."

Jeff smiles genuinely for the first since we started argument, "You're welcome. Be careful going home and... take care of yourself during the break."

Ok, he still cares. I haven't lost him yet, "I will and same to you."

We stay quiet for a few seconds. The cold air is whipping through breezeway of his apartment complex chilling both us. I'm doing ok in my jacket but he's only in his sweater and begins shivering. Despite this he steps out and kisses me gently.

"Bye," says Jeff.

I smile warmly, "Bye."

"Ian?" I ask knocking softly. After leaving Jeff's I head over to Ian's to see how he's doing. I'd seen him once since I decided that I should have stayed with him the night we heard about Tim. He'd managed ok and wasn't pissed at me that I'd left that night. He understood that people deal with shit in different ways.

Ian opens the door, "Hey, Carlos. Come in. What's up?"

I step inside and find him clad in just his boxers, "You awake? It's not too late is it?"

"Nah" he says with a wave of his hand, "not at all. It's only 10 and I never get to sleep till around 2am most nights."

"Cool," I say relieved that I wasn't going to piss off someone else tonight.

"Here, let me take your jacket. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable," he says taking my jacket.

I remove shoes and socks and plop down on his couch while he goes to get me a beer. "So what brings you here on a Friday night?" he yells out from the kitchen.

I decide to tell him the truth. There's nothing to hide from him. "I just had the most wonderful/horrendous date with Jeff and I just didn't feel like going home yet."

"Ah," he says in a tone of understanding. He sits across from on the couch. "Let me guess. He's pressing you to tell him more about you and what you do, right?"

Peeling the label off the bottle I laugh, "Heh, how'd you guess?"

"Like I told you before. You're not the only who's gone through this whole dating shit. It's tough trying to date a nice, respectable guy when you're an escort," he adds while sipping on his beer.

"Yeah, you're right," I agree, "but it's more than that with him. I just don't want to hurt him."

Ian looks puzzled, "How are you going to hurt him?"

"Let's just say that he reminds me of someone from my past who tried really hard to understand why I did the things I did and why I felt they way I did."

"Oh," he replies. "Let me ask you something. Is Jeff worth all this grief? I mean it seems like you're putting yourself through a lot of shit just for this one guy."

I lean back in the corner of the sofa and stretch out my legs. I have to think about this one. Instinctively I want to say yes that he is worth it all, but sometimes I wonder. "Yeah, I think he is."

"And you think he'll understand when you tell him about being an escort?" he probes further.

"I really don't know. I'd like to think that he would but I'm not sure. It's not like I have the best track record when it comes to relationships," I answer honestly. "He actually asked me to spend Christmas with him and his family, but I just couldn't go, you know?" I explain my reasoning to Ian and he nods in understanding.

"He really is a great guy from what I can tell and maybe if just let him in I might be surprised by the way things turn out. I just need to give him a chance," I say quietly trying to convince myself of that more than anything.

Ian reaches over and rubs my leg soothingly. "You are a good guy, Carlos. And don't feel alone in this. There was a guy I dated once and I was just like you – wondering if he'd be ok with me being an escort. Man was he easy on the eyes. A little cocky but manageable."

"So what happened?" I ask.

"He ended up being transferred out of town with his job, so I didn't have to tell him anything. I lucked out I guess."

"I'll say," I respond with a grin. I look down into my beer and think about what I really want. Why am I even trying to make this work with Jeff? "I guess I'm lonely."

"Lonely?" asks Ian.

I hadn't realized I had said that out loud. "Yeah, lonely. Between us both we've had more sex than most guys in this town will ever have, but at the end of the day it's just us and Harold's deposit bag."

"Maybe someday that will change," he says tipping his head to rest on the back of the couch, "for the both us." He closes his eyes and begins to smile. "Sometimes I just want to go out with a guy and spend all night just holding each other and kissing. Nothing else. No sex, no blow jobs, no fucking just old fashioned cuddling in front of the TV."

Wow, Ian speaks Carlos talk.

Of all the guys and the three ways and four ways and other sexual depravity I've been a part of there was never once that intimate connection. I might as well have been a checker at a grocery store scanning grocery items for all the emotional investment I put out and got in return when out on a job. At least after coming home from the grocery store I wouldn't have the urge of taking a bleach bath just to get to feeling clean again.

"Yeah," I agree. "That would be nice," I say giving him a sideways glance.

He turns and looks my way and in that instance we both understand what we need to do tonight. He gently slides down the length of the couch, lifting my legs and placing them over his bare legs. With a sigh he lowers his head to my chest and wraps me in his arms. His blond hair smells clean like he'd just taken a shower before I had gotten there.

Though I have had sex with Ian before this is a complete different ride than before. I'm not worrying about whether I'm going to get him off just right to impress the trick that had hired a tag team duo. This is a lot nicer.

"Mmmm," murmurs Ian, "you feel so good."

"So do you," I whisper back while stroking his golden hair.

"It's been a long time since I've been held like this," he adds. "And my mind keeps freaking out thinking that I have to watch the 1 hour time limit or something stupid like that."

"Yeah," I laugh, "it's really nice. And most important to me at least is that you know who I am. There's no pressure to get laid."

His chuckling shakes my frame, "Yup. Been there; done that."

We stay quiet for a while just holding each other. After a couple minutes we shift positions and he takes my shirt and jeans off leaving me in just my underwear. When we lay back down on the couch again we press our legs and chests together and enjoy the sensuality and intimacy that we'd denied ourselves while making our living.

"This feels so nice," Ian says in a throaty whisper. "I don't want to move from here. Hey, you have to be anywhere tomorrow?"

I sigh contentedly. "No, don't have be anywhere till I'm on call tomorrow tonight. Why?"

He pulls his head back a little. "You want to stay the night with me. I don't have a big bed but I figure that we both are going to want as much contact as possible anyways."

Gawd, this feels good but what about Jeff?

"We both deserve this," he says trying to convince me. "And we can give it to each other." He strokes my hair and soothes my face with his hand. "So what do you say?"

I look in his eyes and for the first time since Cal I see acceptance. I don't have to hide anything from Ian not like I hide from Jeff. I smile. "Sure."

Flashing a grin he pulls me into a hug and kisses the side of my neck. "Super. I'm so glad. Wanna make it a super cuddling night?"

"Sure."

"Ok, I'll move the TV into the bedroom and we can order in some Chinese and watch some movies," he answers like a kid who has just been invited to his first sleep over.

I move to rest my head against his. "I've already eaten, but go ahead and get what you want. I'll just have a bite of yours. That'd be nice." I close my eyes and rub my leg over his and rub my feet over his.

"You better watch it," he grins. "My feet happen to be one of the sure fire ways to turn me on."

For once I decide to not worry about tomorrow and decide to go with what feels right. I don't know what's going to happen with Jeff when he gets back from break. I know that I do like him but right now he's not here and Ian is. I need this. "What if I do turn you on?" I say continuing to rub his feet with mine. "Maybe I want more than just cuddling tonight."

"Are you sure?" he asks looking me squarely in the eye.

"Yeah, I think so. You're one of the closest friends I have right now and I know that's not saying much, but I can be myself with you. There's nothing to hide. And I'd like to show you how much you mean to me," I say wondering where the self-confidence is coming from.

We look into each other's eyes and then slowly lean into a kiss. His lips are nice and moist nothing at all like I expected. My fingernails rake down his spine and he lets out a contended moan into my mouth. Precum begins to dampen our underwear as our instincts take over and we rub our bodies together.

His smooth, soft hands trail down the side of my torso and sneak into my underwear where he cups and kneads my ass. Gawd, this feels so fucking good. You have no idea what it's like to be with someone like this who knows you and accepts you for who you are. Ok, maybe you do. And it's me that didn't know all this time.

Ian breaks the kiss and stands up. He holds out his hand for me to take. "Hey, come here," he whispers. "Let's do this right," he says motioning to the bedroom.

I grab his hand and he leads me to the bedroom. It's a simple room. Not much to it except for a bed and a chest of drawers. The room is dark and lit only by the light of the street lamp streaming through the slats of the blinds of his sliding glass door.

"Let's get rid of these." He steps out of his boxers and slides my underwear over my hips down to my feet. "That's better," he says pulling me into an embrace.

"Ah," I moan in pleasure as our cocks press between us and we begin to undulate against each other. He throws his head back and I take the opportunity to suck and lick his neck.

"Oh, god, yes. That feels sooo good." One of his legs curls around mine and he begins to hump me faster. "I want you so bad," he moans throatily.

"Are you ready," I ask between gasps of pleasure.

He stops moving and his eyes bore into mine. "Oh fuck yeah, babe."

I smile and carefully lower us to the bed. I may not be making love but tonight is the first time in a long time that it feels just like that. I may not love Ian but I'm glad he's in my life right now. Right now I try not to think about any of that, though. There's no need to complicate this any further than I know it will be when I wake up in the morning.



email the author at austswim@aol.com

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