I'm tired and dragging and just carrying myself on my feet like dead weight from place to place. I've been wandering all around town not knowing where I was going. It's not like I'm looking for anything in particular. I'm trying to forget everything about the past couple of months: classes, finals, Ian, Jeff, murders...and...Cal. Nothing seems to matter anymore and yet everything seems to be swallowing me whole.

I'm on campus during the break was pretty dead and not just that there was no one there. Everything was so still and silent. The quad is deserted and the buildings of old campus are like haunted houses but here in the cold I feel the safest. Nothing can hurt me here. Everything is already dead and I feel comfortable walking amidst the ghosts of the season and semester before. But my memories... my thoughts are another matter. Just `cause I feel the most secure here doesn't mean that the world isn't too far behind.

It's a couple of days before Christmas and I have enough money to get me through the rest of the break before classes started in mid January. A gay couple, regular customers of Harold known to pay top dollar, had called asking for their usual Christmas 'fuck'. Well their usual wasn't around. Word on the street is that he'd gotten too freaked by the murders and gone 'straight' so to speak. So I went instead.

Their `usual' was more than just standard hour long appointment, though. It was an all night scene that they acted out every Christmas. I hadn't gotten too much of the details at first from Harold. He told me to just go on out there and go with the flow and follow the clients' lead.

I sit down on a cold bench out on the quad and remembering that night ...

Their house was in the nice part of town, way out actually where homes were separated by large acres of land. Harold had promised me that the tip would more than make up for the cab fare. On my way there I thought about what I had to do that night as I leaned my head against the cold window. My hand rested on my gym bag that had my personal toiletries along with the detailed instructions of what I was supposed to do and also not do when I got there. I didn't bring anything else since I was told that everything that I would need would be provided for me.

"You coming home from school for the holidays?" asked the cab driver bringing me back from the passing Christmas lights of the houses that were getting more and more spaced apart.

I thought about it for second -- telling him the truth, but decided to get in character sooner rather than later. "Yeah," I smile. "Sure is good to be home."

"You're right about that, yep," he agreed eagerly. "I got my boy coming home from Auburn tomorrow. He's out there on a basketball scholarship."

"You don't say," I answer more out of being polite than any interest I could fake. "They doing good this year?"

"Well the season just started but they are doing good. We'll see about March Madness, though. Oh and my little girl, she's not so little now, well she's coming in from Germany the day after. The army let my baby come home for Christmas."

"That's nice," I answer automatically.

"Well what about you? What are you studying?" he asks me peering in the rear-view mirror.

"Business," I answer.

"That's good. I'm sure your parents are proud of you and are happy to have you home for the holidays too."

"Uhm, yeah," I respond trying to keep the frown out of my voice. "They're real proud of their son."

The cabbie shuts up for the rest of the trip. I was grateful for that. I don't think that I could have listened to anymore about someone else Christmas plans. It was bad enough to do what I was being asked to do in these lame instructions.

"This the place you're headed to, 595 Montcalm Place?" asked the cab driver after we had driven another 20 minutes or so.

The house, even at dusk, was gorgeous. It looked like it took up acres of land. We turned into the circular driveway which was lit up by miniature electric lanterns rising from the ground and the glittery snowy glow of the light's reflection.

"Yeah, I suppose so," I responded as I paid him his fare.

"Man your folks sure do have a nice place. Look at it. All decked out for the Holidays. Sure must be nice." he said gazing up through the windshield.

I paused halfway out of the cab I followed his gaze and swept my eyes up to the second and the third floor windows. Each had been decorated with a holly wreath and a solitary candle. The third story lights were lit and the warm light illuminated the cabby's face that was filled with awe.

"Yeah it is," I smiled at him not bothering to tell him the truth. Let him thinks what he wants -- that I'm some college kid returning home to be with the family during the holidays.

"You and your folks have a nice Christmas, you here?" he said in a folksy kind of way before driving off.

"Thanks, you too," I wave back.

My feet crack and snap on the salt pellets in the driveway as I walk towards the front door. With the wind swirling the snow in the archway I pull my wool hat tighter around my ears and knock on the door.

A mid fortyish looking man opened the door. "Hi, right on time! I'm Kyle," he said. "You must be Carlos, right?"

"Yes, sir," I said shaking his hand and extending my hand.

"Oh lord, it's a cold one out tonight. Come in. Come in."

"Thanks."

"Did you find the place alright?", he asked as I handed him my winter coat.

"Oh it wasn't a problem at all," I nodded politely back. "The cab driver seemed to know his way around."

"Well that's good," he said while sizing me up from head to toe. "I guess we should get you situated. Take your stuff up the stairs to the third floor and go to the bedroom that's right off to the left. We have the outfit that we want you to wear up there," he said gesturing towards the stairs. "Now, Harold told you what to expect?"

"Yes, sir," I said walking in and noticing the grand interior. Everything about this place screamed over the top. It was ornate, polished and gorgeous and everything meticulously placed. The foyer, the marble floors, the shiny wooden furniture, the staircase, everything... glowed.

"I know this place is a bit much." he said catching me with me staring at everything, "but it's home!" he said with a slight laugh and twist as if to show off the place like some prize on the Price is Right. "Come on I'll show you the way."

I followed him feeling a little ashamed that he'd caught me gawking.

"You sure Harold told you about everything," asked Kyle as we wound up around the marble staircase. From behind and watching him walk up the stairs I could tell he was a little stocky but there wasn't much muscle or definition there. His hand dangled limply from his wrist and his fingers lightly raked the slick, polished banister as we wound up the stairs to the third floor.

"Yes, sir he did ... " I started to respond.

He turned at the top of the stairs and raised a finger to quiet me. "Uh-uh. We might as well get started right here and now. What do we say in this house?" he added a little too sweetly.

"Yes, daddy," I sweetly mimicked back by quickly jumping into character.

"That's better. Now go get changed into your pajamas," he said pointing in the direction of the room that I'm supposed to go into. "Your father and I will be waiting for you downstairs in the den in about 20 minutes."

I walked into the room and set my bag down on the full sized bed and took a look around. It was the room of a teenage boy. The walls were covered with posters of the Budweiser Girls and various NFL players. In the corner was a desk overflowing with high school text books, reams of theme paper, notebooks, pens, pencils - everything you'd need to do your homework with. Next to that was an entertainment center with the latest hi-tech games, videos, and a large television.

There's something about this room that I found familiar like I'd been here before but I just couldn't seem to remember.

I looked over at the digital NFL clock to check to see how much time I had before I needed to head downstairs. I took my clothes off and grab the `outfit' that I'm supposed to wear to play my part. They were a pair of old-timey red pajamas with the butt flaps held in place with two large buttons. I'd worn worse in my line of work.

My toes reflexively grasped the warm, plush carpet as I roved around the room taking all the details these guys took to decorate this room. It had all the trappings that a teenage boy of privilege would be expected to have: tennis shoes, baseball gloves, trophies and ribbons, cd player - everything about the room was designed for this charade. I didn't think these guys had kids but if they did they'd be set for life.

I walked over to the chest of drawers and ran my fingers across the brass plaque of a tennis trophy and marveled that there's no layer of dust between my fingers nor in the nooks of the tiny brass tennis player. `Todd Pearsall - Champion 1989' read the plaque.

I looked at the clock and realized I had to get going. I reached into my bag and pulled out the map of the house that Harold had provided for me. I needed to be able to find the den in this big maze of a house. The note from him read, "Down on the first floor to the right and head all the way down the hall through the double doors. P.S. Make sure that you take the teddy bear. --H."

I looked around the room and find the plush, brown teddy bear sitting on top of the pillows and I make my way down to the den.

"Daddy? Dad?" I whined out in my best impersonation of a cute kid.

"Son, we're in here," I heard from behind two large French doors.

I opened the door and stood there in shock with the bear dropping limp by my side. It was incredible.

"Oh, hon, I told you he'd like it this year."

"What do you think, son" says the other one ignoring his partner?

"Oh my god, wow," I said. I've never seen anything like this well except maybe in the movies or what others would expect to find in very upscale department store in New York.

"Oh, baby," cooed Kyle. "Do you like the tree we got for you this year? It's the very best we could find."

The tree was huge. How they got this tree in this room I don't know but it reached all the way to the ceiling. There must have been thousands and thousands of white dazzling lights stretching up from floor to ceiling. It had to be at least two stories tall.

I tore my gaze away from the top of the tree, "Yes, it's beautiful, daddy."

"Awww, I'm so glad you like it, sweety. Come over and sit by me and Daddy Paul. We're going to let you open a few presents tonight but you're going to have to wait till tomorrow morning to see what Santa brings you," said Kyle motioning to sit between him and his partner on the large sofa.

I padded over in my bare feet and sat between them holding the teddy bear close to my chest. I wasn't quite sure what was going to happen next, but from what I heard Ian tell me about these guys is that they are into some kinky shit. But, he did tell me that apart from the weird shit that these guys are harmless and that I should just play along no matter how fucked it up seems.

"Hey, son. Are you excited about Santa?" asked the one who must be Paul. His eyes crinkled when he smiled.

"Yeah," I said trying to sound like an excited little boy. Well it was the best that I could come up with. It'd been so long since I've had any Christmas at all with family and even longer since I actually enjoyed any holiday with my family.

"That's good, son," said Kyle as he stroked the hair on the back of my head.

I closed my eyes and relished that gentle touch. It opens up memories from a long time ago. Memories that I just thought I could never remember. I lean into his hand and sigh.

Paul inched in closer and I feel the body heat of both men on either side of me. Paul grabbed my legs and swung them up over his lap and I laid my head in Kyle's lap. I moaned instinctively as Paul began to rub my feet -- certainly more of an adult reaction than you'd expect from a kid but I challenge anyone not to sigh contentedly when getting a nice foot rub.

"We have a wonderful, son, Paul."

"Yes. He's so beautiful too."

"Yes he is," responded Kyle stroking my cheek.

"Santa is going to be very good to our boy this year. Should we let him open his present right now?"

"I don't see why not," said Kyle.

Paul gently extricated himself from underneath my legs and went to the tree and grabbed beautiful wrapped present from the 50 or so that were under the tree.

"Why don't we let him open this one," he said gently shaking the box before offering it to me.

"Go ahead, son. Open it," said Kyle.

I looked at one and then the other and then I began to tear off the wrapping paper.

"Wow, a game boy," I said excitedly.

"I'm glad you like it, son," said Paul reaching over to stroke the side of my face. "But now it's time for you to drink your milk that Daddy Kyle warmed up for you."

"Yes," said Kyle. "We need to get you to bed before Santa passes the house by because you are awake."

Paul reached behind him to the coffee table and grabbed a cup of warm milk. "Drink this and soon it will be off to bed with you."

Milk. Ick. It's not my favorite beverage but anything for a buck, right? I took a swallow or two of the warm liquid and snuggled between both men on the large couch.

"Drink it all up now," said Paul as he lazily began to stroke my legs.

I finished the drink and hand him the cup and after about 20 minutes of playing this little boy act I began to feel all tingly and woozy. My eyes started to loose focus and I began to panic a little. Kyle and Paul had been gently soothing me with their hands and kissing my forehead but their hands clamped down hard once they realized I was beginning to struggle.

"Shhhhhh, baby. It's ok. It's ok," said Kyle. "Everything is going to be alright. You just relax and let the milk make you nice and sleepy."

I've been drugged. My eyes started to close and I couldn't fight the sleep anymore.

"Merry Christmas lover..." I heard before I passed out.

- 1987 -

"What were you waiting for? Christmas?!" chides Anna as she punches my shoulder.

"Ow, what was that for," I say rubbing my shoulder where she'd punched me.

"What was that for?" she responds throwing her hands up in the air. "You were supposed to call me yesterday. Remember?

Shit. I forgot about that. I was supposed to call Anna yesterday and tell her how everything went with the debate tournament. Can you blame me for not remembering but I still feel like a jerk for not calling.

"I'm sorry, babe," I say.

"I'd hope so," she says. "Well it's ok. I was busy most of the day with my sisters. We wouldn't have gotten to spend much time together anyway."

We're sitting at the Wall right before first period.

"So how was the tournament? Did you place?" she asks.

"Nah. We didn't break past the quarter finals but we did really good during the prelims."

"That's good, babe," she says kissing my cheek. "Where is Cal?" she adds looking around the wall at the other students filling up the campus.

I try not to sigh too loud. "Uhm, I don't know. He should be here soon."

"How'd he do this weekend?"

"Good. Good. He got as far as the semi's in extemp and he was really happy about that. It was a big tournament and a lot of other schools were there."

Anna turned around and looked at me. She brushed a stray hair out of her eyes and gave me a piercing look.

"Are you ok?" she asks.

"Yeah, yeah I'm ok. Why?"

"You just seem a little jumpy."

I put on my best smile. I've got to learn to hide my feelings a little bit better. I don't want to do this but I'm not ready to tell Anna the truth. I don't think I'll ever get used to hiding my true feelings like this. "I'm alright. Just that I get tired with the honors class sometimes, ya know and it is a Monday."

She reaches up and touches my face gently. "You know high school isn't forever and you won't have to deal with them much longer. They're idiots."

I reach for hand and kiss her fingers. "I know."

She smiles back and I wonder what the hell I'm doing. This is one hell of a girl. Anyone would be lucky to have her.

"Err, maybe you should get a room."

I hear a cough from behind Anna and I see Cal standing there with his books.

"Hey, there you are," says Anna. "We've been wondering where you were this morning."

Cal just smiles and gives me a look. At least I think he gives me a look and rocks back and forth with his hands shoved in his pants, "I just had to take care of some things before school this morning."

"Oh," I hear myself say. Did he see me kiss her hand? Is he upset?

"Hey, guys," Anna says grabbing her books, "I need to get to class early too. I need to clean my brushes before I start work on my next painting for Art Class. Why don't you both walk me?"

Cal turns and smiles at Anna, "Go on ahead. I got to go to my locker first."

His locker? He has everything with him that he needs. I know. I have first period English with him and his book is already under his arm.

"Oh, ok," I stutter back somewhat alarmed. He just showed up and now he's leaving?

"Bye," he says and turns around and walks off.

"Bye," both Anna and I say in unison -- she with a bit more casualness than me.

I walk Anna back to class and we plan where to go for lunch. After dropping her off I head straight to first period hoping to get to talk to Cal before the bell rings.

"Hi," I say to him a bit nervous as I approach my seat towards the rear of the class. He is in his usual seat next to me in the row over. I find him staring down at the desk and his head propped up on his hand.

He straightens up a bit having realized that I had walked into class. "Hey."

There aren't that many students in class yet. The bell is at least a good 10 to 12 minutes away. I put my books away and turn towards him. "Cal? What's up?"

He doesn't look at me but I hear him sigh, "Nothing."

"Bullshit," I respond.

He looks up and glares at me. "Do I have to go there, Carlos?"

I close my eyes and sink into my seat further. "You saw me kiss Anna's hand, right?"

"Yeah."

"Cal, it's not what you think, ok?" I reply.

He looks down and sighs. "You know it's just hard for me to see you with her when I'm the one that wants to be with you like that. I know we can't just come into school holding hands or sharing lockers. And I know that we gotta be careful especially with Anna, but it still doesn't mean that I have to like it."

I look around quickly to see if there is anyone else in the class to see if I could reach over and take Cal's hand, but I see that there are too many students here now. "I know. It scares me too but we have to be careful."

"What about Anna?" asks Cal. He stops looking down at the ancient desk we use in this class and looks me in the eye.

"Just give me some time, ok? Let me figure something out," I say quietly so that no one can hear my voice that I've tried to make sound tender and loving.

"Fine, but do you still love her?" he haltingly asks like he's afraid to hear the answer.

I inch as close as I think I can go without it looking to weird and whisper, "Cal. I want to be with you. You have to know that. It's you. But, I also care a lot for Anna. Of all the people who could get hurt the worst and who doesn't deserve it's her."

He looks back at me and tries to smile.

"Ok?" I ask trying to get some kind of positive response.

"I know. I know. I know," he says shaking his head. "I'm just being selfish."

"Don't be sorry, Cal. Just promise to talk to me and that you will always remember that it's you I choose, ok?"

"Ok"

"What did you want to do today after class?" I ask trying to change the subject and hoping that I might get some time with Cal alone at his house.

"I dunno. I guess we'll see what things are like after debate practice. I'm sure we're going to go over the results and the cases we hit this weekend," responds Cal.

I chew my lip and think if there's any way we can get out of that but I realize that we can't. "Yeah. With the district meet coming up I'm sure we're going to have to stay and go over the cases we ran against with the rest of the team. But, "I add, "why don't we see if I can spend the night at your place?"

Cal smiles for the first time today, "For real?"

"Yeah, I don't think my mom would mind especially if I say we are studying for a test or something like that."

"Heh ... that would be really nice," says Cal.

He stops in mid-sentence and looks around. I follow his gaze and see that there are more students now and that the class bell is about to ring. He looks back at me and quickly mouths the word I love you.

I sigh and say, "The same."

The rest of the day went by so painfully slow. Cal and I had most classes together but not all. During lunch Anna, Cal, and myself plus some of Anna's other friends went out to eat at Wendy's. It was a little weird since Anna kept grabbing my hand and acting like you would expect any girlfriend to act. It was really nothing out of the ordinary for a cute boy/girl couple. However, Cal on the other hand really tried. I could tell it was still bugging him that I was affectionate with Anna but at least it wasn't like this morning. Though he seemed a bit put out I could tell that he understood.

Debate practice was a chore. We had to go over all the cases and strategies that the other teams had used against us during the debate tournament and since there are 4 teams who each debated a minimum of four preliminary rounds that meant we had to go over 16 cases.

Finally we were able to finish at about 6 o'clock. My mother agreed reluctantly to let me go Cal's house. I swear that woman wants to run my life till the day I die.

"Anna called you while you were outside mowing the lawn," my mother shouted from her bedroom.

"Why didn't you say..." I started to say while I was washing up in the bathroom.

"I told her that you were busy doing your chores. She may be your girlfriend but she has to understand that I'm your mother and that I come first."

I drop my head and grip the sides of the sink trying not to lose it. "Mother, she's not like that. Why do you make her sound to be so awful?"

"Well," she says from behind startling me. I hadn't heard walk down the hall, "I know how girls can be. They think that they can just become number one just like that over night."

I turn and sigh, "Mother. She's not like that. She's not trying to compete with you for my attention."

"Oh really?" my mom says crossing her arms. She's got that look on her face when she thinks she's got me trumped. "Then why did she sound so surprised when she found out that you were spending the night at Cal's?"

Ok. She got me there. I had forgotten tell her, that's why.

I try and recover. "Cal and I just talked about on the way home, ok? I can't very well get on the phone with her and tell her when you immediately attack me with the lawnmower!"

"Hrmph," my mom says buying the answer but she doesn't give up. "You have responsibilities and I don't you or anyone else to forget that. What I say comes first before anything else."

"Fine," I say. There's no point arguing and I edge around her to get out of the bathroom and go to my room.

"Hey, watch your attitude, boy!" she says. She's taken to using the word `boy' to remind me that even though I'm a high school senior that I'm still her son. "You better watch it if you still want to go to Cal's tonight and stay on the debate team.

I pack my overnight stuff, a change of clothes, and books and walk over the few blocks to Cal's. I manage to dodge my mother the rest of the time that I am getting ready but she corners me as I'm walking out the door. She reminds me to not to be too much trouble, not to stay up too late, and to stay out of the way and help Cal's mother with the dishes. "I don't want you to be a bother," is the last thing I hear as I walk away from my house.

I get to Cal's and his mom answers the door, "Hi, Carlos!"

"Hello Mrs. Grant. How are you?" I say politely.

"Oh, I'm fine. It's Cal I'm a little worried about. I'm so glad you came to spend the night. Cal needs a friend right now especially after all that mess with Yvette."

"Well I never really liked her," I say more to make her feel better.

"I'm so glad to hear you say that," she adds. "Take your things to Cal's room, honey. He's in there getting setup for you. And when you boys are done come out and I'll have something ready for you to eat."

"Thanks," I put on a smile and walks towards Cal's room.

I knock on the door and yell, "Open up! It's the police!"

I hear Cal's mom laugh in the kitchen and something crash in Cal's room.

"Ouch! Fuck" I hear Cal grumble. "Come in."

I open the door careful to close it behind me so that we won't get interrupted his mother while I properly greet my boyfriend. I turn and scan the room and I don't see him anywhere. Walking in further I peer around bed and find him lying on the floor gripping his bare foot while wearing just those shorts of his he should have thrown away when he was a sophomore.

His eyes are winced shut and he's breathing pretty hard, "Fuck fuck fuck ... "

He's wet too I notice and I start to laugh, "Well if you insist." I sit on the floor next to him.

"Shut up, you dork, this hurts," he says trying to sound injured and laugh at the same time.

I put my hand on the one he's holding his foot, "I can kiss it and make it better." I look at him and he holds my gaze. I look down at his foot and rub it with my hand. His big toe is red and angry and probably from having hit on the weight bench in the middle of his room. He moans as I rub the instep and pad of his foot careful not to touch his big toe while I slowly elevate his leg towards my face. I kiss his toe lightly never taking my eyes off of his.

"That all better now?" I ask still rubbing his foot.

"Mmmm yeah," he moans back.

"Good," I smile and look at the rest of his body. He's hair and chest is still damp from the shower and he smells really good. I let my gaze travel down his leg and notice that he's getting a little excited. Who wouldn't notice in those shorts of his especially since I can see up the leg of those shorts and see he isn't wearing underwear.

I place his foot on the other side of me so that I'm between his legs and crawl up the length of his body kissing my way up his leg, skipping the obvious bulge, up his chest to where I'm laying full on him face to face.

"You still thinking about that toe of yours," I whisper?

His eyes are calm now. "No."

"Good."

I lean my face down and let my lips brush his lightly. He responds by taking the lead and his mouth devours mine. I let him take me and I mean more than just physically. I fell him envelope me totally.

I break the kiss gently and remind him that his mother is waiting for us to eat the dinner she prepared for us.

"I don't want to show up with bruised, red lips at the dinner table with your parents so we'd better cool it," I say rolling off him to one side.

He sighs contentedly and looks my way with his hands behind his head. "Fine, but you started this."

"Well it got you from crying like a baby!" I tease back.

He smiles and I sense him being more relaxed than I have ever seen him. "You tasted like a foot."

I laugh and pull him up from the floor. "Come on. Let's go eat before you mom comes looking in her and finds you wearing those hoochie momma shorts."

"I thought you liked them," he says changing into a pair of nicer shorts and into a t-shirt. "Quit staring at my butt!"

I giggle and grab him and we head to the dinner table to eat with his parents. His parents are really cool. They actually seem to want their son to be happy and have a good time. It makes me think of my mother and how hard she can be on me. Ever since she and my father divorced when I was in 8th grade she's expected more of me: chores, running errands, taking care of my brother. But, sitting here with Cal and his folks I notice a difference between our families. I've never really paid attention to that difference. I've just always accepted my family for what it was: a group of people that I had to endure. Everyday was a challenge on how to keep secrets and how not to piss of my parents, kind of the way that a prisoner has to watch it with the guards.

Cal isn't on guard with his, though. He's casual and comfortable in a way that I never thought possible at the dinner table. He's just a kid being cared for under his parent's roof.

I don't know what that says about me.

"Sweetie," says startling me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Yes?" I respond guessing that Cal's mom has asked me a question.

"Your dinner, sweetie? Don't you like it?" she asks pointing at my plate.

"Oh no, ma'am it's fine. Really!" I say looking nervously between her and Cal's father, who joined us at the dinner shortly after we sat down.

"We can make you something else, if you don't like the chicken," she presses further.

"No, please. It's fine," I answer looking at Cal for some help with his parents. "Don't worry about it. I like it. Really, I do. I was just... thinking about things I have to do for school tomorrow," I lie about the thoughts and not about the food.

"Well, good, I know you boys have some homework to do so we won't keep you up too much longer," she adds.

I smile back and make a show of eating my dinner which is really good. Throughout the rest of dinner I focus on the people around me and try not to think of what I don't have at home.

We ate our dessert and Cal and I head back to his room where we actually do complete our homework, though with a few breaks for some making out.

"So tell me the truth," Cal says breaking a kiss while we listen to music.

"What," I smile back.

"You hated my mother's cooking."

"Ha! No way! It was great."

"Then what was with your whole spaz routine at dinner," he laughs kissing my hand.

"Nothing," I smile back. "It's just you got it real good here. You've got the nice house, cool parents, cool car, cool everything."

"What? And you don't?"

I pull away and sit up, "Come on, Cal. You've been to my house. When have you seen me eat at the dinner table like that and not in my room?"

"I don't know," he shrugs.

"Never! That's when!" I throw my hands in the air. "I have a crazy family and yours is normal. Face it. You got it good."

Cal looks down and sighs, "Well for now at least."

I know what he's trying to say. I can only imagine how my parents will react once they realize I'm gay. I'm sure it will be far worse than whatever Cal has to go through with his.

I lean back into him against his chest, "You know that they'll take it far better than my mother ever would and you know that."

He sighs and looks at me. We both know the answer but he does me the favor of not speaking it out loud.

He reaches up with his hand and pulls my hair from my eyes gently. "Maybe just for tonight we can pretend that we don't have to worry about that?"

I sigh and drop my shoulders lower not realizing how tense I had been. "Sooner or later, Cal..."

"Sooner or later is not tonight, ok?" he interrupts. "Right now it's just you and me. Forget my parents. They're dead to the world right now. They won't wake up till tomorrow morning."

"So if it's just us, then this is our bedroom...our place."

"Yeah," he responds pulling down on the bed with him, "our bed, our time to do whatever we feel like."

I know better than to let go and forget about everything that's happening outside this room right now but I just don't feel like worrying right now. I just need my life to be not complicated for an hour or so. Is that too much to ask?

"Ok, in that case," I say as I lean in for a kiss.

"Ah, wait a second. Wait a second. Before we get going here let me get ready for bed. Brush the teeth, change in to my pj's, ..." he says smiling and getting up from the bed.

I laugh. "PJ's? You are seriously not wearing PJ's to bed are you? A guy your age?"

He smiles wickedly, "You might like my PJ's. They're sexy and I've had them since the day I was born."

I grin realizing what he meant, "Hurry up and brush your teeth so I can get you naked!"

"I'll be right back," he says kissing me before jumping up and running to the bathroom. "Give me about 10 minutes or so. I got some business to take care of too. Make yourself at home. It's your bed after all too."

I lean back down on the bed and smile wondering how the hell all of this could ever have come true.

Just for tonight -- no worries. Yeah, right! It will be me and him in bed as lovers, naked! Anna and I have never gone that far at all. I was always scared about what it would be like with her not knowing if I was going to be good enough if we ever decided to have sex. Cal on the other hand I did have sex with Yvette. That was just a given. He probably isn't as worried as I am about it.

I got off the bed and decided that I was going to strip down and crawl into bed first. That way he didn't have to see me naked. He'd have to feel me before he saw me I thought to myself as I started to pull my shirt and socks off.

Tap.

I stop for a second with half my foot out of my sock. Did I just hear something?

Tap. Tap.

"Cal?" I half whisper and half shout. "Do you need something?"

"No, why?" I hear from behind the bathroom door.

Tap. Tap.

This time I can tell it's coming from the direction of the bedroom window across from his bed.

I freeze for a second and then manage enough sense to crouch down and head to the bathroom door. "Cal!," I whisper.

"Uh ... I'm not done so can you wait just a little bit longer?"

"Cal!" I repeat. "I think there's someone at the window."

"What!"

"There's someone tapping on the window!" I say somewhat agitated.

I hear a pause come from the other side of the door before he says, "Fuck."

"Uh, clue me in here, Cal. What the fuck is going on." I say.

I hear him flush and barely have time to move away from the door before he knocks me over. He crouches down next to me and grabs me by the shoulders. "There's only one person that comes over and does this... well used to do this that is."

"Who?"

He looks down for a second and then looks up at me and strains to say, "Yvette."

Tap. Tap. "Cal! Are you awake!" we hear her voice say from behind the window. Thank god the curtains are drawn. "Open the fucking window, god damnit."

"What the hell is she doing here?" I say grabbing his arm tightly.

"I don't know," he says wild eyed and pulling away from me.

"Well you're not going to just let her wake up the whole house!"

"I told you! My parents can't hear anything. They are way over on the other side of the house."

"Cal! Damnit! Open the fucking window!" yells Yvette from outside.

Cal start to get up and head to the window like he's going to open it but I reach up and haul him back down. "What the hell are you going to do?"

"I'm going to open the window and talk to her. She can and will wake up my parents if she wanted to," he says. Before I have chance to do anything he springs up and opens the curtains.

"It's about fucking time... I don't think this is the way the you should treat the mother of your..." she quips angrily at Cal before catching sight of me still crouched by the bathroom door.

"What!?" we both say at once...

"Oh hell," is all that she manages to say.

- 1995 -

"It feels like hell's frozen over."

I flinch out of my reverie; startled by a voice behind me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you there," says the woman. "You just look all sad and tired sitting there on that bench."

I stand up and straighten and pull my muffler around my neck a little tighter out of nervousness. "I'm just here looking for my grades."

"You know, those should be coming to you in the mail any day now if you're patient enough. Besides, most of the buildings are locked up this time of year around campus," she responds.

"I..I know," I stammer for some reason thinking that I have to explain myself, "but I thought I could come check."

She pauses and looks me in the eye for a second before reaching into her purse, "My name is Sharon Hinkle. I'm the Assistant Dean of Students. I was just taking care of a few things before the Holidays in my office when I saw you from my office window," she says gesturing to the building behind me.

"Are you sure you're ok," she says handing me something.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Just not much for the Holidays," I say trying to smile somewhat.

She cocks her head slightly they way someone does when they don't buy the shit your selling and points to a business card in my hand, "That's my office line and my pager if you ever need anything, ok?"

I look down at the card and back at her as she walks away towards the parking lot. "Uhm, sure."

"Now if you are going to hang around campus and stare at nothing all day, why don't you go the student union and do it where it's warm. It's so cold out that I bet you can't feel your legs," she yells back over her shoulder.

I whisper back, "That's the whole point."



email the author at austswim@aol.com

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