Is it the sun?

Is it the moon?

I don't give a fuck. My head hurts and my neck feels like it's in a vice grip. I just want to keep my eyes closed to keep that fucking light out. Fuck!

"Come on. Open your eyes, buddy...," says the light. "Come on, guy, wake up."

Who the fuck is that? Am I at home? Am I late for my first period? Dad, Is that you?

"That's it, buddy, wake up. I know it hurts but you gotta open your eyes for me," the voice says. It sounds like my dad. Deep voice but for once he doesn't sound pissed.

My ass is wet. No. Wait. It's sticky. I start to freak out. Did I shit the bed? Then I start to realize that my back, legs, and arms are all sticky as well. What the hell is going on? Now I want to wake up cause all I want to do is make sure that I didn't mess the bed, and to go take a shower.

"There you go, dude. Come on. Wake up ... " says the hunky voice.

The light keep flashing side to side making me want to puke. "Stop that," I said or it at least that's what it was supposed to sound like. I thought he would laugh me talking to a light but I quickly realized it was a pen light.

"How you feeling? Headache? Any place else hurt," he asked while holding my wrist.

Why is he holding my hand.

"Pulse is good. Strong. Steady. Pupils are reacting," he said mechanically.

"Is he making sense? Can he talk?," a somewhat familiar voice spoke.

"Yeah, but we're going to want to take him in and check him out. He'll need a CT Scan and maybe an MRI just to make sure he doesn't have a concussion or a bleed," responded the sexy voice that was paired to the hand holding my wrist.

"What's going on," I said finally being able to focus on the guy in front of me. He is wearing a uniform. EMT.

From above the other familiar voice, "Mr. Garza. We keep running into each other. Though it shouldn't come a surprise to find you here in this place knowing what you do. Though, at least dancing for dollars isn't something I can haul you in for."

"What's going on," I respond while trying to get up.

The EMT hand quickly comes to my chest firmly, "Easy guy. Let me help you up."

The skin on my back, legs, and arms start to crack. It feels like I have been dipped in honey and left out to dry in the sun. I look down to my body and realize that I'm in a thong and that's it.

Then it call comes back. The bar. Dancing. Ian. Then Jeff showing up. Running upstairs... It all just hits at once.

I peek around the detective and that's when the switch in my head gets flipped. My memory comes back and I realize that there's more than just a detective and an EMT in the upstairs office with me.

"Welcome back, Garza," says the detective. It was more of a way to get my attention than anything else.

Behind him people were working around the body I found hanging when I ran upstairs to get changed so that I could go run after Jeff. One person was taking pictures while another was marking spots around the office with little orange plastic tape.

"Who was your friend," asked the detective. Straight to the point.

"I.. I don't know," I said

"Don't fuck with me, Garza. Who was your friend?!"

"I don't know! Ok!? It was dark when I came up here to change and I slipped and fell! I haven't even seen who this is!," I said in a rush.

The detective yanked me by the shoulders over to where the body was still hanging from the ceiling. "Sanders, get us some light," he said to the guy taking pictures. "Munoz, will someone go see if there's a light bulb you can screw in to the socket. It looks like someone smashed the one in the fixture. I can't see a fucking thing in this place."

The photographer, Sanders, points his camera's light at the body. It was the black guy from before. He had gone first when we were getting ready to dance. His eyes were open but not like normal. They were bulging like they were marbles about to fall out of gumball machine.

It got worse from there. Everything from his neck down was... open. Things that should have been tucked away inside were now outside. I started to retch and I managed to pull my arm free from the detective's grip and take a few steps back.

"He was one of the dancers that was dancing tonight, but I honestly do not know who he is," I say heaving gulps of air which only made things worse.

"He's hyperventilating," says the EMT.

"I don't give a fuck!" said the detective.

"Well he can't be of much help talking if he's gasping for air," snapped back the EMT. "We may be used to these things, but he's not."

The detective glared back but relented, "Maybe this," he says gesturing behind to the body behind him, "but he is used to 'other kinds' of things we aren't. I'd have thought he would have the stomach for this."

"Whatever, man!" spat back the EMT. "Have a fucking clue. And, before you go thinking he had anything to do with this I doubt he would be able to give himself a concussion like this on purpose."

"Just make sure he's gonna live. Leave the rest to me, ok" he shouted back to the EMT.

"Garza, where were you an hour ago ... ," the detective started to say before turning back to a man who had been studying the dead dancer's corpse, "What's the time of death, Pritchard?"

Pritchard must be the ME. "The liver temped out showing that he's been dead for a little over an hour," he responded not stopping the rest of his examination.

"So where were you an hour ago, Garza?" asked the detective.

"I was downstairs dancing," I said. "On the far bar. Ask anyone," I added.

The detective looked up at some other police officers who had managed to get up the stairs into the cramped room. His look must have been a silent question to them.

"That checks out, sir. The bartender and other patrons we have questioned all said the same thing. He danced at least until 11:30pm," said one of them.

The ME piped up, "He was dead way before that, detective."

I hadn't realized what was happening until the ME spoke up. He actually thought it was me that did this. What an asshole.

The detective looked back at me and sighed, "I don't know what kind of shit follows you Garza, but if you're not careful, you're gonna land right in it."

"What do you want me to do," I said not knowing what else he wanted from me.

"Believe it or not - not end up dead. I don't like what you do. I don't like what you are, but that's your shit. I'd just assume you stay alive and save me the paperwork. Now get out of here," he said before turning to the EMT, "unless you think he needs to go to the hospital."

The EMT looked at me and not at the detective, "You should go get checked out. I'm not kidding when I said I think you got a concussion. You should have get a CT Scan."

"I'm... I'm fine," I whispered back.

"Come on, man. You really should get checked out."

The detective had moved on from me and was now talking to the police officers that had just come up from downstairs. So, it was just me and the EMT for the moment in our little corner of this hell.

"I can't... I don't have insurance and there's no way I could pay for any of that. I'll be fine," I added.

"Is there anyone you can go home with? Anyone that can make sure to check on you for the next 24 to 36 hours and make sure that you wake up," asked the EMT?

Ian! Oh my god, I had forgotten about Ian. He was here tonight as well. Fuck! What if something happened to him!?

"Yes. I came with someone tonight. He was another one of the dancers. I have to find him," I said panicked and starting to look for my things. I was still only wearing my thong and the blanket I had been given by the EMT. "Where's my stuff?"

I looked around and couldn't find my backpack where I had left it. I turned back and found that it had been placed in a clear plastic bag along with other things from the room in their own plastic bags.

I went over to the back started reaching for it, "Can I have my stuff?"

"Sorry kid," said the other officer. "It's been tagged as evidence."

"Evidence?!" I yelled frustrated that I wasn't able to get to finding Ian. "They just told you I had nothing to do with this. I just found him up here like that," I said gesturing back to the body and not bothering to look back. I didn't want to risk actually puking this time.

"Yes, we heard, but the person who did do this could have touched your stuff, left some prints, or left any kind of DNA evidence that could help catch him. We'll do the best to get your wallet and money back to you tomorrow," responded the officer.

"Including my clothes?!" I stood there with the police officer realizing that I'm covered only my thong and some other guy's blood

"Sorry, guy." he shrugs and goes back to reviewing notes with his partner.

As I moved past the officers who were standing near the top the stairs the detective hollered back, "Garza, take care of yourself and don't leave town." He gestured to the officer that said I couldn't take my clothes, "Take him down and let the others know he is good to go."

I bounded down the stairs and found the club mostly empty and weird. It was all lit up. The darkness that masked the ugly, dirty walls and floors were was gone. The beefy bartenders and bouncers looked normal and human. They no longer held the sway over the gay men who came in here to get away. They were all hanging by the main bar off the main dance floor along with the bar manager. There were about 15 guys all being questioned by a police officer or waiting to be questioned before being released.

"Jimenez," the officer behind me yelled out in the nearly empty dance floor, "this guy here is good to go."

One of the uniformed guys turned and took one look at me and gave a look questioning whether or not the requesting officer had taken a leave of his senses.

Before Officer Jimenez could speak his thoughts the officer behind me added, "If you guys are done searching the bar area you can let him clean himself some with a bar rag and some water. And, see if they don't have any lost and found or some other shirts he could wear."

Jimenez nodded and motioned me to join him with the rest of the group. "Come on, guy, let's see what they got here."

I walked over and joined the rest of the group of bar employees and they all just stared at me open mouthed.

"Carlos, right?" asked one of the bartenders. He was actually the bartender on whose bar I danced on tonight.

"Yeah." I said.

"What the fuck happened, man? No one is telling us anything!" he said grabbing my upper arm and then quickly releasing it realizing he'd grabbed onto a crusty, bloody arm. "Shit, dude, what happened to you?"

I quickly recounted what I knew and he led me around behind the bar station so that I could clean myself up with the water from the bar sink and some bar rags. The gaze of the other employees watched as I cleaned up while I told the rest of what I knew.

"Aww shit," said one of the barbacks. "I really liked Jerome."

Some of the other guys started to huddle around him while I finished getting cleaned up.

"Here, Carlos," the bartender said as he tossed me a large t-shirt that had the bar logo and name on it. "You can have this shirt. It's extra large so that you can get some coverage. We don't have any pants or shorts or even an extra coat."

"What happened to the patrons and the other dancers," I asked while putting on the t-shirt.

"I think they're outside. Street's blocked off and they aren't letting people go right away.," he responded. The rest of the employees had gone back to just talking to themselves.

"What about Ian? Do you know where he is?," I asked pointedly.

"I dunno. I guess he's outside. I really didn't see anything once the cops stopped the music and turned on the lights," he said. "I sent one of the bar-backs to get some more $1's from the safe upstairs and he was still dancing on the other bar.... I think... I dunno, dude, this is all so fucked up."

"The bar-back?" I asked.

"Yeah, he's the one that I guess called the cops or something. He never came back with my change. The safe is where you guys go change for your shows." he added.

"And you think Ian was still dancing then..." I started to ask again.

"Dude! I don't know! I told you... it's just a fucking blur!" he said exasperated.

I paused for a second. My words hung there for a bit between my brain and my mouth wanting to come out. They didn't. "Thanks for the t-shirt."

I went for the entrance and left the rest of the employees back at the bar to be questioned. I had to find Ian. I had to make sure he was ok.

Outside was a mess. Police cars, barricades, people in different pockets and groups surrounded by at least 2 uniformed policemen. Giant floodlights lit up the street. Some were from TV news vans that had sidled up to the barricades. The rest of the bright lights were either from the police cars and the interview lights. Two white tents had been setup for what looked like a command center or some interviewing.

One of the uniformed police officers came towards me and started to tell me to fall in line with his group of people. I then realized that they must have been the bar patrons that were being detained and questioned.

"He's good to go, Charlie," said a voice from behind. "He's been cleared." It was Jimenez. He must have followed me out.

The other officer nodded and stepped back to let me pass. "Don't catch a cold," he smirked.

I start walking away from him. I wasn't sure where I was going to go. I didn't have my keys or my wallet. These asshole police officers could have at least given me a ride home. I'm sure if I had been some girl stripper, I would have gotten the royal treatment. Instead - I look down realizing I'm still barefoot - I'm walking home half naked in the cold.

The bar patrons still being questioned and held who before were eager to give me money so that they could catch a flash of my cock or grab my ass were now looking at me with pity and suspicion. I could hear them whispering - well not so much whispering as just out right talking about me like I wasn't there.

"Do you think he did it... nah, that wouldn't let him go... He's not all that in the light... he's hot... I'd like to have him barefoot and bare-chested... " I heard all of these comments. It's not like they were trying to not let me hear them. I just slowly kept walking gingerly through the wet, cold slush to cross the street. I just didn't want to look at anybody. I just want to get home as fast I could which in this case would be at least an hour's walk.

The wind didn't help especially with the flimsy t-shirt. It swirled up my legs and shriveled my cock in the thong i was wearing. You wouldn't have believed looking me now that I was a dancer making money by waving my junk in guy's faces.

I was almost to the other side of the street from the bar so I could start walking home when someone grabbed my arm.

"Hey!"

Startled I snapped my head up and found myself looking directly into Jeff's eyes.

"Jeff..." I stammered

"Are you alright," he said loosening his grip but still hanging to my forearm.

"I'm ok considering," I responded looking indicating the way I was dressed.

He glanced down and sighed. I wasn't sure if he was still angry. "Listen, Carlos, I don't know what's going on, ok? This whole night's been all sorts of fucked up. You and me. The dancing. The cops. You standing out here like this in the cold. Part of me says to just run as far away as I can from this - from you."

I held his gaze not because I was hurt or angry but because I was going to look him in the eye as he let me go. "Fine. I understand..."

"No, you don't understand," he cut me off sternly. "I'm not even sure I understand," he said less harshly.

"Just let me go," I said trying to send both meanings - my arm and me.

"No."

I stood there and just looked him in the eye. Wondering if he meant it. A shiver overtook my body. The wind and the temperature finally overtook my lessening adrenaline and I started to feel the cold.

"Here," Jeff said shrugging himself out of his jacket. "Take it. I've got layers on more than you to keep me warm, but don't go anywhere. Let me get through here. I'm not sure what the cops want but I don't think it will take much longer."

I grabbed the jacket and kept his gaze with as much pride as I could muster. I hated taking it from him. I don't need him but I still put the thing on.

"Carlos, don't be that way," he said catching my look. "Just wait for me. As a matter of fact," he said reaching into his pants pocket, "take my car keys. I'm parked two blocks down that way," he said pointing down the street. "Wait for me in the car and in the trunk is my gym bag and you can put on my track pants."

"Ok." I said grabbing his keys. I was grateful and at the same time hating that I really needed his help.

I started to walk away, "Carlos, please be there when I get done here." I guess he could tell what was going through my head.

"Ok," I said and then turned and to walk in the direction of the car.

I managed to make it to the car without paying attention to the people looking my way and ducking past the media that had been circling around the barricades. I looked down and my feet were shriveled and turning blue from standing and walking in the snow. The grime and dirt was starting to get under my toenails by the time I got to the car.

I clicked open the trunk with the keyless remote and found Jeff's bag. Thank god he had has shower sandals and towel from training at the college pool. I put on his track pants and that's when I realized how cold my ass and legs were. The lining in his pants felt silky smooth and started to warm my skin. Except for the shower sandals I now looked like a normal human being.

I was about to get in the car resigning myself to finally sit down with Jeff about tonight. How much more I would say or how I would say it was something I was contemplating when I heard my name called.

"Carlos!"

I turned around and looked in the direction I had come and saw Ian running towards me.

"Dude! Thank the fuck gawd," he said as he grabbed me in a bear hug. "Oh thank god you're alright." He smelled sweaty and musky - probably from the dancing. His hand ran up my back to my neck to cup my head in his hand and he turned to bury his face in my neck and sobbed, "I was so scared you were gone."

"I'm ok. You? How'd you get out? How'd you get your clothes?" I asked as he held on tightly.

"I'm good now that I found you," he said taking a step back and giving me a once over. "And, you look like you just stepped out of the Goodwill."

"Yeah, the cops wouldn't let me get my clothes. I'm borrowing these from someone who was at the bar tonight. This is his car," I said gesturing to Jeff's car. "How'd you get yours?"

"I got mine earlier in the night after my first dance and moved them to behind the first bar. Lee is a friend of mine and one of the bartenders. When the lights came up and the cops showed up I hopped down and grabbed my backpack and got dressed."

"Lucky you," I said. "The cops got my stuff and won't let me have them until tomorrow. Keys, wallet, money, clothes, even shoes," I said lifting my foot to show him my bare foot in Jeff's shower sandals.

"That sucks," he said. "Hey, if you need a place to stay you can come home with me and we can go by..."

"He's with me."

Ian and I jumped and looked over to see Jeff walking towards us.

"Jeff," I said somewhat startled. "You're done," It came out more like a statement of surprise rather than a question.

"Yeah," he said cautiously eyeing Ian. "I see you found my workout gear," he said turning to me.

"Uh, yeah..." I flipped my hand to the back of my head and slid it down my neck nervously, "thanks."

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend here?" he responded pointedly.

Ian stiffened noticeably at that and gave me a look as if to ask me how to respond. I guess he wasn't sure if Jeff was one of my regulars.

We all stood still for a second not saying anything. Ian looking unsure ready to pounce or run with whatever story I came up with. Jeff arms crossed with all if any patience he had left gone. And, me there with my mouth hanging open.

"Well, are you going to tell me what's going on..."

- 1987 -

"Hey, what's going on!?

"Oh my gawd! You look so cute, Andrea!" squeals Anna as she hugs this girl that had tapped her on the shoulder from behind. She would have to have done that to get Anna's attention. The dance decorations and the food and the music and anything else to do with the dance was completely taking all of her attention.

"Thanks!" squeals Andrea in return. "You look super cute too." Andrea spins around to look at the room, "Wow, look at this place! You did a really good job making this place look awesome!"

"Well it wasn't all just me," says Anna grabbing me by the arm. "I had some help and of course my Carlitos here helped as well. Speaking of - Carlos this is Andrea. She is a friend of mine from elementary school."

"Very nice to meet you," says Andrea reaching to shake my hand. She turns to Anna and adds, "He's so handsome!"

"Nice to meet you too," I respond while Anna giggles.

"Now this boy is mine," Anna laughs back. "Your guy will be coming soon, right Carlos?" she says looking at me expectantly.

Andrea really seems nice. She's light skinned and with shoulder length raven colored hair and doe colored eyes. Politeness and class exuded from her like a perfume complimenting her stylish yet simple dress. Despite all this I hated her. I am jealous as hell and it's going to be a shitty night trying to hide it.

"He said he was coming," I stated flatly. I had called Cal after I talked with Anna the night she told me about this plan of setting him up with someone - Andrea it appears.

"What's he like," asks Andrea. "Is he cute? What does he like?"

"Well he's..." starts Anna before I cut her off.

"His name is Cal and he just broke up with someone. He's really trying to take things easy after the breakup and really isn't looking for anything or anyone for awhile." I blurt out a little too tersely.

Anna and Andrea look a little taken aback. Anna quickly recovers and gives me this look like I'm going to hear about this in a bit. She turns back to Andrea, "Don't listen to him. Yes, he just broke up with this horrible girl, but all we're trying to do is get him out and cheer him up."

"Ok," says Andrea but she's giving me this look that makes me nervous. "That's what I thought you said. I'm not going to do anything, Carlos," she says smiling and I could tell that she meant it. Now I feel like an asshole. "I just want to know who I'm meeting tonight."

"Sorry, I didn't mean..." I start to say.

Reaching out to gently touch my arm, "Yes. I know. You're a good friend."

I look down embarrassed yet still thinking to myself this girl would be some serious competition for my Cal. I'd lose.

"Why don't I go see if they have set out some punch and I'll bring us some," I say trying to get out of this... whatever it is I'm feeling - jealousy, fear - anxiousness. "Would you like some?

"That's so nice of you," says Anna giving me a kiss on the cheek. "Go do that while I talk with Andrea."

I smile as I get away and looking back I still seem to be getting a look for Andrea. It's not mean or malicious. It's something I can't put my finger on just yet.

The punch is all the way across the room. It's still early on in the night and not many kids have made it down to the church basement to dance the night away under the main part of the church. A few adults are scattered about acting as chaperones but they are too busy talking to each other this early on.

I pour out a few glasses of punch with the ladle while making small talk one of the lady chaperones who was guarding the punch bowl. This may be a church dance but I don't think the adults were taking any chances something alcoholic made it into the punch bowl.

"Hey."

I jump and turn around to see Cal standing behind me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump," he says. Gawd he looks so handsome in his jeans and blue polo shirt. I'm standing there a moment still holding the ladle in my hand marveling at how this boy is mine.

"Hey, hey, hey..." snaps the lady behind me. "Don't spill that on the floor or you're going to spend tonight cleaning it up."

"Oh! Oops. Sorry about that" I say returning the ladle to the punch bowl. I smile at the lady as if to add how sorry I was.

"When did you get here?" I say turning back to Cal. I so want to reach over and hug him and bury my face in his shirt just to smell him and feel him fill me up with love.

I can tell Cal senses I want to do but quickly looks around and over my to shoulder to the punch lady," I got here about 20 minutes ago."

"Twenty minutes ago?? Where have you been? Anna I have been here for an hour so she can finish up on the decorations." I say.

"I know. I saw you when I walked in."

"Why didn't you come by and say hello," I frown while walking away from the table to a more secluded place on the dance floor.

Cal follows, "Don't be mad."

"Don't be mad?" I repeat a bit confused. "Why would I be mad."

Struggling to say something Cal sputters, "I well... I invited someone..."

"Who'd you invite?" my chest tightens.

"Yvette," he says looking down to the floor.

"What? Why!? Why would you do that? I'm already on edge having to introduce you to Andrea while being here with Anna. You're my boyfriend for fucks sake!" I heatedly whisper trying to get myself under control. "And now you're telling me you invited her?!"

"I had no choice, ok? She called me this morning to talk about everything and it just came out that I was coming here tonight," he said shrugging his shoulders. "She got pissed and said she was coming whether I invited her or not, ok? What was I supposed to do?"

I close my eyes and grimace, "When is she going to be here and does she know that you're hear to meet someone new?"

He doesn't answer me right away. He just stares at me and I can see the angst written all over his face. "I do love you, Carlos. I know this sucks. Trust me. I know how much this fucking sucks."

I soften a bit and open my eyes to look at him. I'm still holding two paper cups full of red punch. "I love you too."

"Hey, we're thirsty over here!" says Anna walking over with Andrea to join us. "Hey, Cal, when did you get here? Oh, Cal, this is Andrea. Andrea this is Cal."

I hand over the punch to Anna and Andrea. Anna puts her arm in mine while Andrea shakes hands with Cal.

"I've heard so much about you, Cal," she says.

Cal smiles back, "Wow... uhm ok. Well it's nice to meet you."

Anna laughs, "Don't worry, Cal, it's all been good."

"Well now that's not entirely true," adds Andrea looking back at Cal. "I know about your recent breakup and don't worry. I'm not here to be anything else than to hang out with friends and have a good time."

"Well that's good to know. I wouldn't want my baby to think its father had abandoned us for someone else before it was even born."

We all turn around and see Yvette standing behind us hands on hip looking like she's ready for a fight. She's staring right at Andrea.

"Baby?" says Anna looking at Cal and then at me. "What's she talking about?"

"Oh? Didn't your boyfriend tell you Anna? I thought you two were so committed to each other that he told you everything," smirks Yvette. "I'm pregnant with Cal's baby. And, no one," she says looking at Andrea and then at me, "is going to take my baby's father away."

Andrea and Anna are just stunned. I'm speechless. Cal looks... gawd... he looks defeated. Done.

"Now, how about a dance," she says to Cal grabbing his hand. "I may be pregnant but I can still work to some music."

- 1995 -

"So where'd you learn to dance like that? I thought you said you hated dancing," says Jeff while sipping coffee at my kitchen table.

I am standing in my living room towel drying my hair while in my boxers. Jeff had driven me and Ian to my apartment so that I could shower. Even though I didn't have my keys I was able to get into my apartment by asking the apartment manager on the property to give me her spare key. She was freaked out at first when I told her what happened and somewhat skeptical. She probably thought I had gone out and done something stupid like most 20 somethings do, but then she turned on the news and saw the early morning local news show and she gladly gave me the key. She said to keep it until I got my stuff back from the police.

"I do ... but ..." I said dropping the towel over the chair in the living room.

"Don't but me, Carlos. Just tell me what's going on," he says gesturing with hands like he's had enough. "Please," he adds a little more soothingly.

I take the chair opposite him and straddle it; hugging the back of the chair to my bare chest. Ian is picking at the chipped coffee mug that I gave him to drink his coffee. I guess he doesn't know what to do or say. He's leaving it up to me.

I turn my face into my arm and sigh into my skin. I'm tired of lying. It's just too much work. And, I'm beginning to remember how much of a bitch it was to keep things straight - who knows what and what version of the truth.

"Take your time. I've got all night... well morning now," says Jeff looking out the window to the grey morning light.

I turn back to look him squarely in the eye, "I'm an escort. That's what I do to make money to put myself through school." I shoot Ian a quick look. He looks somewhat relieved. At least he now knows the rules of the game.

"An escort," repeats Jeff.

"Yeah, an escort," I answer. "A guy who has sex for money," I add to put a fine point on it.

"I know what an escort is, Carlos," he says sitting up and rubbing his hand down over his face. "What I don't understand is why are you an escort. What does your family think about this? What about your future? Aren't you worried what could happen? Shit look at what happened tonight!"

"My family doesn't know, ok? They don't even know where I am. And, that's they way they want it," I say looking at him pointedly. "It was their decision. And my future, you better believe I worry about my future. I'm trying to get an education the best way I can."

"But, escorting? Maybe if your parents knew, they'd understand," responds Jeff.

"No. They wouldn't, Jeff. Listen. You're lucky - blessed even. Your parents accept you and love you for who you are. No questions asked. Not everyone is so lucky, ok?" I add glancing over at Ian.

"Yeah, not everyone has it so easy, dude," adds Ian. "Some of us were kicked out when our parents found out we're gay."

Jeff looks quickly at Ian a bit annoyed but thinks twice for sniping back. "Ok. I get it. I'm sorry, but escorting? Do you know how dangerous that is? Never mind the wacko out there killing guys like you two, but what would happen if the cops caught you. Your teaching career would be over before it ever started," he says pleadingly. "A police record is going to be hard to explain on a job application."

"I know this, Jeff," I respond getting up to pad barefoot over to get more coffee. At this point I'm beyond being mad trying to explain my situation to anyone. It is what it is. It feels so good not pretending anymore that I'm not mad at these questions.

"Well, if you know this why are you still doing this," Jeff asks standing up to stand next to me while I pour my coffee.

"To get ahead in life. To get an education. To keep a roof over my head. To have food to eat," I start to list out all the bare necessities anyone would need to have and pay for with a regular job.

"Yeah I get that, but, couldn't you work at a coffee shop or a grocery store? Hell why not just be a bartender at the bar?"

"Jeff, do you know how much I would have to work at one of those jobs to pay for tuition, books, food, and this tiny, shitty apartment? I would never be able to finish school or even afford it. Besides, I don't do it everyday. It's just enough to make ends meet," I say walking back to the table to sit.

Jeff turns and leans back against the kitchen counter, "I just don't understand..."

"And you won't. And, I hope you never do," says Ian jumping in. "Look. I know this is between you and Carlos. It was his choice to tell you about himself, but you don't know what it's like and you're right. You won't understand."

Jeff drops his arms and rolls his eyes in exasperation, "Not to be mean, but I'm not really concerned about you."

"That's not very..." I start say now having something to be pissed about.

"No no no... Carlos, he's right and he's being honest," he says raising his hand motioning me to sit back down. "I can handle this," he adds. He turns back to look at Jeff, "I get it. You're concerned about Carlos. I am too. I'm his friend."

"You're concerned?" Jeff asks skeptically. "If you're so concerned why are you letting him do this? He's gonna get arrested or even worse - killed. You see what the hell is going on out there," he adds gesturing to the outside.

"Jeff!" I say losing my patience. "He doesn't make my decisions for me. I don't ask Ian for his opinion about my decisions. And, he nor anyone else pays my bills or is responsible for me. Got it?! So, if you want to talk about what I do for a living or question any other decision, then you talk to me."

Ian and Jeff stay quiet for a second letting my message sink in. Jeff kicks at the floor with his shoe still leaning back against my kitchen counter while Ian cradles his coffee.

With a heavy sigh Jeff pushes off from the counter and comes back to sit down at the table. "Carlos, I like you. I like you a lot. All this - the dancing, the escort business, the shit that went down at the bar - that's a lot for anyone to take in. You gotta admit that. I'm trying here. I'm trying to understand. Why you?"

He reaches to grab my wrist gently and rubs his thumb on the top of my hand. He really is sincere. He's just a little out of his element. I steal a quick glance over at Ian. He's still silent after my outburst, but I know he cares too. Yet, I realize again that they couldn't be any more different.

With Ian I remember the sex we had and how nice and right that felt. There were no questions. There were no judgement. Jeff, though, he's the normal world. The world that could be or that should have been. Family. Acceptance of another kind. I just don't know if I could ever find a path to that now.

"It's my lot in life. It is what it is. I don't enjoy what I do, but it's what I have to do," I say to Jeff grasping his hand. "I was mess tonight. I'm going to be a mess probably for while. I still haven't really processed what happened tonight and all the things I saw."

"What did you see," asks Ian still holding his coffee cup.

I recounted everything to Ian and Jeff - from the moment I got back up the stairs to walking outside half naked. Ian went white upon hearing what had happened to his friend while Jeff's face grew hot and determined. I think up until now I had been so focused on how I was going to get home and get warm and then dealing with Jeff that I had suppressed slipping in a puddle of someone else's blood and seeing their mutilated body. Suddenly I felt really cold and I started to shake.

"You ok?" they both ask in unison.

"Yeah I just think I'm beginning to feel how tired I am," I say. "I'm going to have to go lie down in a bit."

"You're shaking," says Jeff. "Do you want me to stay with you.?" All the heat had dropped from his face.

"I.. I'll be ok," I stammer.

"No more lies, Carlos," Jeff responds. "I may not understand any of this and by no means are we done talking, but I still care about you. I don't think that you should be alone tonight."

"I agree," adds Ian. "I'm pretty wiped myself so I can stay here too if you want." Glancing quickly at Jeff he adds, "On the couch of course. I can... we can help you get your stuff from the police later today if they are done with it."

"Fine," I say. Truth be told I'd rather be with people rather than alone thinking about tonight.

"Let me go get my gym bag from the car," says Jeff getting up from the table with this keys.

"Ok,"

Walking out the door Jeff gives me a few minutes with Ian. I had gotten up to lock the door. All of sudden I'm beginning to feel a little less safe than a few minutes. Ian walks up behind and pulls me into him.

"Hey," he says into my hair. "I know you're scared. I'm scared too."

A shudder a little in his arms.

"Shhhc... hey, it's ok. We're here. I'm here," he spins me around to face him. Our faces are inches apart. He takes a quick gulp. "I know you are seeing Jeff and I know what you told him tonight took guts, but I want you to know that I like you too. I like you a lot. And, yeah, that way." he adds to make sure that I get what he's saying.

I look in his eyes and I think back to that time when things were different. When I was the one fighting for someone trying to hold everyone back. Cal, where did you go?


email the author at austswim@aol.com

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