"Yes, mom, I'm fine."

The bed moves a little bit and I realize I'm now no longer being pulled down into the middle of the bed.

"Yeah, it was pretty bad from what I heard. The police had us lined up outside to ask us questions before they let us go," says the voice that I can sense more than see sitting on the other edge of the bed. The light is off but I can tell the sun is out even though it's through a heavy gray sky of December.

"I don't know. They really didn't tell us much. It's not like we got to ask questions, mom. All I know is that that someone was found dead and that they held everyone who was at the club last night for questioning," Jeff added somewhat and I guess tiredly.

I remember him following me to my room last night when he got back from the car with his stuff. We both were exhausted and crawled into bed so nothing happened between us and not that I could have or wanted to do anything after everything last night. I'm laying on my side; head cradled in the crook of my arm and staring at bare white sheetrock wall on my side of the bed as Jeff recounts last night from his perspective. There's no yelling or haranguing from what I can tell which is odd for me - a mother and son not at each other's throats.

"He's sleeping right now," adds Jeff turning slightly to look over his shoulder at me. "I'd be exhausted too after what he went through last night." He can't see that I'm wide awake because my back's to him. He goes quiet and I can hear the muffled murmurs of someone else on the other end of the line coming through the handset.

"Oh come on, mother!" he says a little pointedly in a sharp whisper responding to something his mother just said. "He's not a bad guy and despite everything I told you I... well I trust him."

A slight pause while he listens to his mother before he adds, "Then trust me, ok. Carlos is not a bad guy. He's got issues and from what I know he wasn't lucky to have a mom and dad like I did, so things have been a little tougher ... different for him."

Oh lord what the hell has said to them while I was asleep? I must have shifted a little bit because Jeff starts to plead that he has to get off the phone.

"Listen, mom, I gotta go, ok? I don't want to wake him just yet. Yes, don't worry I'll be home for Christmas Eve. I still have 4 days before that and it's only 6 hours away by car," he says quietly into the phone. I'm still laying on my side when he tells his mom that he loves her and puts the phone back on the charging cradle with the lightest of clicks. The bed shifts as he gets up and I quickly close my eyes to feign sleep. I sense him come 'round to my side of the bed and feel him lean down to run his hand gently over my forehead and into my hair. "Get some rest, babe. You're not alone anymore."

I hear him go to the bathroom and as he starts taking care of his business I decide to roll over onto my back to peek over to the nightstand on the other side of the bed. It's 9:34am. We've only slept about 5 hours. I'm still tired but nothing a crappy cup of coffee from my shitty coffee maker won't solve. Thinking back to last night I realize that if he is still sleeping, Ian should be out in the living room on my couch. My face warms as I remember that he said he liked me and how did he put it, "Yes, like that." Part of me wasn't surprised. I felt ... feel something too. The things we have in common - our past, what we do, how we deal with things - make things easy for me to be with him. I'm betting he feels the same. I grimace thinking how he must have felt watching me get dragged into my bedroom by Jeff. I know I didn't put up much of a fight but, like I said; nothing happened. Jeff had stripped down to his boxers and crawled into bed next to me and passed out the second his head hit the pillow. Still to Ian it must have looked like something probably was going to happen with Jeff shutting the door to the bedroom leaving Ian to the couch. I want to get up and go talk to him but not while Jeff is still here.

I'm still on my back staring at the ceiling thinking when Jeff comes back into the bedroom. "Shit, I hope I didn't wake you. I wanted to let you sleep some more." His face and chest look a little wet probably from him splashing some water from the bathroom sink to chase the sleep away.

"Don't worry about," I say as I yawn and stretch under the covers.

Jeff crawls up the bed on top of the covers to sit next to me. "Still ... how are you feeling."

"Good, I guess," I answer. I look at him and seeing him in just his boxers reminds me of when we met at the swim center. He's lithe and lean but with the muscular broad shoulders of a swimmer. There's no denying it - he's attractive, but not like Ian.

"Promise you're telling me the truth," he says brushing my bed head hair out of my eyes.

"Yes. I promise," I sigh into the touch. I've never experienced this side of Jeff. The taking care of someone and it's nice, but different from Ian. I'm not sure how, though. They're both so different and yet I like them both. I turn back to look at him, "I won't lie. Last night was intense and all sorts of fucked up, but I'm here now and not there. So, I'm ok."

"Good. I'm glad," he says slumping down a little to be closer to my face level. He pauses a bit before venturing, "Listen, about last night. If I came across as a dick, I'm sorry. It just was a lot for me too - not like what you went through, but it was still a lot to process. Finding you dancing, the cops, you walking out in the snow... this whole other side I never knew about you." His hand cups the side of my chin and his thumb rubs little circles around the corner of my mouth. "I wasn't dealing to well with it all..."

"Yeah, I get it," I interrupt.

"Do you?" he says dropping his hand from my face to my chest.

I turn my face from him and bite my lip trying to think what to say.

"Don't tell me what you think I want to hear, Carlos. Just tell me what you're thinking ... what you're feeling." he says while his hand rests over my heart.

I struggle to find the words to tell him what I'm thinking without insulting him. I turn back to look at him. We're still slumped together on the bed leaning against the wall behind us. "I...I just don't know sometimes... how to look at things from your perspective," I sigh. " What I mean is not you in particular, but...,"I pause still looking for the words,"someone with a normal life... a family... brothers, sisters, and with a mom that he can talk to. I just don't know what that's like."

"You heard me talking to my mom?" he says raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Not all of it but for part of it," I say. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

"Don't worry about. It's your room. It's your phone, which, by the way, I will pay for the call when you get the bill. It was a long distance call after all," he says sheepishly.

"It's ok," I say before I stammer out, "what... what exactly did you tell her?"

He sits back up and pulls his knees to his chest, "Everything that happened last night. What I found out about you."

"Oh."

"Well at least the stuff that I have been able to piece together since last night along with what you told me over coffee," he adds reaching out and grasping my hand in his. "I'd like to learn more. If you let me in."

I slink down on the bed and rest my head on my pillow facing his direction. He's looking up at me expectantly... nervously. I'm guessing he's lost some of the fire from last night and is wondering if he's stepped over a line.

"Please," he whispers and moves down to match my position on the bed but with his head rested on his pillow.

"You sure you shouldn't be listening to your mother and just get up run out of here as fast as you can?" I say half jokingly.

"You heard that," he says not smiling. "I'm sorry you had to hear that."

"It's nothing I'm not used to, Jeff. I'm the one used to having mother's leaving me."

He gasps a tiny bit ... barely audible while he reaches out to stroke my hair soothingly, "I'm so sorry, Carlos. I ... I didn't realize you were awake. If you knew my mom, you'd realize she's not like that. She's just watching out for me."

I smile into his touch, "That must be nice and I'm glad you have someone watching out for you."

"Thanks."

"So what else did she say once you told her about me," I say closing my eyes not really wanting to hear the things I've heard so many times before.

"Really not much else other than to take care of myself and," he pauses a second, "to trust my instincts."

"Really?" I say opening my eyes. "That's it? No 'get out' or 'wear a condom' or 'he's not good enough for you'?"

Jeff's hand drops down to my bare chest and holds still, "No. Nothing like that at all, but I do want you to understand a few things. Yes. I like you. I want to date you. Take you to meet my parents. Go to dinner. Get beyond just doing laps at the swim center. Do all those things a couple do when dating. But, I need you to be honest with me. No more secrets. No more surprises like last night. Ok?"

I gulp and turn my eyes from his and stare at his pec and focus on his nipple. It's nice and a deep red. The nub is sticking out hard in the cold air of my room and the skin has goosebumps. I tend to do that. Focus on other things to escape.

"Carlos?" he says gently nudging me with his hand.

I look away from his nipple and look into his eyes. He'd been oblivious that I was studying the red nub of flesh. "Yeah. Ok... just be patient with me and know that this is going to be hard for me... and please don't get mad at me. Just don't get mad at me once I tell you everything," I plead with him. "I have enough of that in my life."

He pulls me in close for an embrace as he slides under the covers to get closer to me. The coldness of his chest against my bare chest makes me shiver. I've been in the warm cocoon of a night's sleep and blankets. His feet seek out mine and I start to warm them with mine. He sighs into the embrace and his mouth is inches from my ear, nuzzling my neck.

"I promise," he murmurs. "From here on out we're starting over." His mouth opens and I feel his tongue and lips rake the side of my throat.

I shudder and moan. Ahhh this feels so good. This is not like sleeping with a client.

He pulls back and looks in my eyes; his face a breath away from mine, "You feel so good."

I realize that we are both getting hard. After all we are both only wearing boxers. I snort a little laugh and look down between our bodies acknowledging our growing erections. He catches me grinning and looking down at our cocks under the covers and his face gets a little flush.

"Yikes! Sorry about that, but you do feel oh so good," he says a little mortified.

"Don't worry. It happens. Actually, it's supposed to happen," I grin back.

"Well you would know," and gets this stricken look on his face when he sees my face darken a little. "I... I didn't mean it like that. Shit... that came out all wrong."

I sigh and pull back a little but not completely. "It's ok." My cock start to deflate a bit. It's probably not a good idea to get it on with the topic of conversation we just had and with Ian in the next room.

Realizing the mood was ruined Jeff pulls me back closer to him, "Hey... these things are going to happen. As long as we keep talking and being honest with each other we'll get through them. I really didn't mean it like how it sounded. I swear." He looks in my eyes trying to find an answer in them that says that I get it.

I get it, "Yeah. I understand."

He props himself up on an elbow, "So... where are you from?"

So, I guess I'm going to do this. I take a deep breath to steel myself, "A small town about 7 hours west of here."

"Further than San Antonio?" he asks.

"Yeah, you probably haven't heard of it. It's a small town in the valley called Artesia."

"What's it like," he asks as his hand traces circles around my chest.

"Small. Mexican. Close knit. About 11,000 people call it home," I list out the facts because there's really not much more to it than that. "There's not much else to know.'

With a knit brow Jeff continues to question, "There's got to be more to it than that. Tell me about where you went to school."

I feel his hand absently running from my hip over my boxers to my mid thigh. It's helping. The panicked feeling I get when facing my past with someone is fighting for control of my chest and throat. I want to bolt and just get up and say I need to take a piss or something. "My school...", I stammer out. I look away from his face and start to to start at his nipple.

"Was school a hard time for you?" he prompts squeezing my thigh gently encouraging me to continue.

"Yeah," I sigh looking up at him again. "You could say that."

"Why?"

Panic is starting to win the battle. I move away from him and turn on my back and close my eyes focusing on my breathing. Deep breath in. And out.

Propping himself up on his elbow Jeff gently places his hand on my bare chest. "Your heart is racing."

"Yeah," I choke out. "I told you this is hard for me. Even though it was a long time ago. What, 7 years? Now going on 8 years ago... it hurts like it just happened yesterday."

"Maybe talking about it helps to ... " says Jeff.

"To what?" I say bitterly. "What's it going to do but just put it back front and center in my life. It's like going back to look at the wrecked car where someone you loved died."

Sensing my agitation Jeff says, "I just want to help, Carlos. I think if you let me in... if you tell me what happened and how you feel, then you'll have someone else to share that pain with so it's not so bad."

I let out a cynical grunt and roll my eyes. "How do you figure. You weren't there! And, it's not like I could trade memories with you."

"Hey, hey ... just relax. I'm not trying to make you mad. I'm just trying to understand why you are who you are." He moves to straddle my hips and rests his palms on my shoulders. "This isn't about judging you at all or making you feel bad. No matter what you tell me I won't get mad. You didn't kill anyone, right? Or, maim a puppy or small child, right?" he adds.

The tension leaves my shoulders a moment and I sigh, "No, but it still sucked."

"I believe you," he says leaning down to kiss my forehead. "Was it because you came out as gay in high school?"

"That's part of it."

"I take it didn't go well."

"You could say that." I say.

"Did the other kids not accept you? I kinda already know from last night that your parents were probably not cool with it," he says brushing away my hair from my face. "I know I had it easy with my parents, but some kids at my school were assholes about me being out in high school. It was just a few so, even that wasn't too bad."

"Lucky you," I laugh bitterly.

"I tell you what. Why don't you start at the beginning? Tell me about your parents and your family before any of this all happened in high school, ok?" he moves to lie on top of me. He's actually not all that heavy considering how muscular he is.

"You mean from when I was kid?"

"That'll work. Do you have any brother's or sisters?" he smiles down at me.

"One brother. Younger. No sisters."

"What's his name?"

"Javier," I say. Gosh how long has it been that I have thought of Javier. What an alien concept. I have a brother! What does that even mean?

"Well ... what's he like? Keep going," prods Jeff with a gentle nudge to my side.

"Javier ... ," i say taking a deep breath. How do I even begin to explain Javier? I don't even know him and wouldn't even know if I would recognize him now if he were standing in front of me. "Well, he's four years younger than me. So that makes him 20 ... I think."

"You don't know how old he is?!" says Jeff with a raised eyebrow. "Well weren't really all that close to begin with," I respond. "We were far apart enough in age where we just didn't like the same things at the same time so we just did our own thing. I will tell you that he was definitely more athletic and active than I ever was. I didn't learn to swim till I was a senior in high school."

"Really!? Wow! I never would have thought that. You swim like you have been swimming all your life! How'd you learn so fast?"

I purse my lips into a thin line, "Cal."

"Who's Cal?" Jeff asks now propped up on his elbow again.

Fuck. I close my eyes. "Who's Cal ... " I repeat feeling the bitterness wash over me. I nudge Jeff off of me. I gotta get up and move around. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Jeff lets me up and he moves to sit crossed leg on the bed while I move over to the window to look outside. The sun's trying to it's best to break through the clouds just like I feel Jeff is trying to break through to get to me. Just like Cal just broke through right now. Again.

"Was he your boyfriend?" asks Jeff timidly. I think he can tell he hit a nerve.

"Yes." I say simply. Cal is in me again. He's in my head. He's in my heart. Just like that the sadness that's always underneath the surface breaks through my defenses. I run my finger on the edge of the metal blinds on my window. The sharp edge stings. It's not enough to drown out the other pain.

We're quite for a few moments. I'm guessing Jeff is respecting the fact how this is making me feel right now and he's trying to give me back the space he wanted to get into so bad. Turning around I lean back against the wall crossing my arms and look at Jeff. He's sitting there waiting patiently with a look of concern on his face. My back starts to itch. The drywall of this cheap apartment is poking dents in my bare back with my weight leaning against it.

I take a deep breath and let it out raggedly, "He taught me to swim in his pool."

"It seems he did a lot more than that," Jeff adds in a whisper.

I look up at Jeff. I'd been staring at the floor when he said that. My eyes are starting to water. Damnit! Why am I so fucking weak!?

"Carlos," Jeff moves quickly over to stand in front of me to pull me into an embrace. My back feels relief from now no longer being stabbed by the bumps on the drywall. I miss the feeling. "It's ok," he adds soothingly.

I lean my head on his shoulder and as much as I don't fucking want to I start to sob and shake. It's funny, I think to myself, that last night with waking up in a pool of blood and being humiliated by walking out half naked in the cold in front all of those people who were at the bar doesn't compare to remembering Cal. And, it's not like last night. Last night was bad as it could get for most people. Cal on the other hand... well he is good and bad. The good were all the memories of being together and remembering the feeling of hope and love that you get when you are in love with someone. Of course there were the shitty times too, but all those good memories... those hopes are wracking my body with sobs right now. I've learned that sometimes the best memories are often the ones that cut the deepest.

"Did he ... die?" Jeff whispers cautiously still trying to understand.

"Uhhhh", I gasp out in pain through the sobs that are coming out faster and harder, "No. He is not dead." I grip Jeff harder and start dig my fingers into his back trying to use him to keep me together before I completely fall apart.

"I lost him," I choke out. "I fucking lost him. Oh god! I fucking lost him!" Any semblance of control is gone. "I'm ssssssorrry," I gasp. "I'm soooo soo sorry."

"Carlos, Carlos!" Jeff says trying to hold me up as I start to lose the ability to stand. "What are you sorry about? What happened?"

"I ... I ... uhh gawd," I cry. "I told you this was going to be hard. I'm sorry."

"But, what are you sorry about, Carlos?!" he says pulling me back towards the bed before I collapse on the floor.

All those memories. That night. That last night ... It's all coming back. It's too much.

"Tell me what happened," he says sitting me down on the corner of the bed. Jeff's kneeling between my legs and holding my head up with his hand.

Through my snot and tears, "It hurts so much."

"I know it does, but you can't keep this inside anymore. It's going to eat you up," he says wiping away the torrent of tears down my face. "If a question like this is going to make you have a nervous breakdown, you gotta get these feelings out. You gotta talk about it."

I sob a few minutes more and try to get my composure while Jeff comforts me from his kneeling position. I think about the dance. That last time I had any real contact with Cal. "You really want to know?"

"Yes," answers Jeff quickly, "now more than ever. Let me help you."

I laugh bitterly choking on the memories, "It's funny."

"What is?"

"You found me dancing last night."

"Ok," he says prodding me further.

"This all started and ended with a dance..." so, I proceed to tell him everything. The dam I've built isn't broken. It's got a big crack in it now and I start to tell him of Cal.

- 1987 -

The dance is thumping out the latest Madonna album - the clean version. We are still after all in the basement of the local church.

I'm dancing with Anna, though, I'm not really feeling it. Cal's over in a corner of the dance floor with Yvette's arms draped possessively around his neck and by the looks of it she is glowing with triumph. She got what she came for.

"It's not going to work out, you know?" Anna catches me staring at them. She's slowed down her moves a bit to focus on me.

I've given up even pretending that I'm dancing and answer back, "What do you mean?"

"Girls like her think that a baby is going to hold a man," she gestures at Yvette. "It's sad actually and on so many levels. Cal for sleeping with her and being stuck with her for the rest of his life because he'll have a child with her and well her because she thinks she needs a man or a baby to complete her. It's pathetic," spits out Anna.

"So how does that mean it's not going to work out," I ask a little too interested and a tad bit hopeful.

Anna catches that but chooses to ignore it for the moment. "You know my cousin, Carmen from my mom's side of the family - the one you met that time my parent's had my Tia Lizette over for dinner?"

"Yeah," I say remembering. "What about her?"

We start walking off the dance floor and head over to the group of tables that had been set up for the kids to sit and take a break from dancing. Anna smiles and waves over at Andrea, who had run into some other friends of hers a few minutes after Yvette showed up. I look over my shoulder and see Cal still dancing mechanically with Yvette as we get to an empty table. Catching my gaze Cal pleads with his eyes for me to forgive him and at the same time I see the hopelessness in his eyes.

Sitting down Anna reaches for my hand to hold it, "Well, Carmen is about 3 years older than us and she was always a little wild as my mother would say. She was always doing things to get attention."

"Like what," I ask wondering how this relates to Yvette at all.

"She always wore the sexiest outfits when she was kid. They were so completely inappropriate and my Tia Lizette tried everything to get her not to dress like that and to get her to not be so loud."

"Yeah, but what does this have to with Yvette?"

"From what I can see they are both the same in that they need and crave attention and validation. They both need to feel like that they own someone's complete attention at all costs. In the case of Carmen she got pregnant right out of high school and never went to college. She told my Tia and my mom that her boyfriend was going to take care of her and the baby and that she didn't have to worry about anything." She pauses a bit and looks over at Yvette. "I can smell that same vibe from Yvette as if Carmen were standing in front of us."

"So, how's Carmen now," I ask.

"Well, things didn't turn out exactly like she thought. Her boyfriend never married her and while he pays child support for their daughter, she still lives with my Tia and Tio at home working at Wendy's," she finishes her story.

I look over in Yvette and Cal's direction and think to myself if Cal would ever do that - stand up to Yvette and not cave into marrying her.

"I know what you're thinking," Anna says squeezing my hand, "and I think it's so sweet that you are concerned for your best friend, but he's going to have find the strength himself to deal with this. Don't get me wrong. I still think that a child should grow up with a mother and father, but not like this. Not where one is going to be so miserable while the other one is controlling and manipulative."

My chest tightens at the thought. "Do you think he can break free?"

"I don't know, Carlos. You would know more than me. He is your best friend," she adds as she strokes my cheek and leans in for a quick, chaste kiss on the lips.

I stiffen a little bit and during the kiss I look over at Cal. He and Yvette are now standing over by the punch bowl getting something to drink. He sees me kissing Anna and he bites his lower lip. I know he's struggling with trying to figure out what to do. I've learned to read his eyes and I'm coming to realize that Cal is not as strong as he needs to be. People like Yvette or some other strong-willed person will come into his life and take advantage of his soft spoken demeanor and kindness. Disappointing people shakes him to his core and the wrong person who figures that out and well ... he's toast.

I'm not going to let that happen.

"What's wrong," says Anna pulling away slightly. She's noticed my looking over at Cal and Yvette and adds, "Carlitos, I know you care about Cal. He is your best friend. I get it, but it's not your place to fix this for him."

Startled I turn back to look at Anna. Is she reading my mind. "What are you talking about?" I hope that my playing stupid is something she'll buy. If she only knew how much I love Cal. If she does buy it, then maybe this newfound skill will come handy later when Cal and I figure a way out of this mess and can be together. Though, I'm not known to be one to hide his emotions - at least not the first 17 or 18 years of my life.

"Babe, I can see it written all over your face. It's sweet that you care, but he got himself into this mess and plus he can talk to his parents and they will figure something out," she smiles at me sweetly. It's obvious that her intent this evening is for us to connect and have a good time. I can't fault her for that. I am after all her boyfriend. "I know Yvette is a self-absorbed bitch. Hell, even Andrea figured that out in just 5 minutes after meeting her and it kills me to think that she's going to throw a wrench into Cal's life."

Her hand reaches for mine across the table and squeezes it more for prompting me to respond than anything else. I sigh and squeeze back, "I know." I swallow all my emotions that I'm feeling. Gawd is that hard, but I'm going to have to get used to this.

"Babe, you know with all that's happened the past few months at school and now this we haven't had too much time for us," her eyes search mine looking for a connection. "Why don't we talk about what we're going to do the next few weeks together as a couple, alone, ok? I miss us."

Hating Anna is not an option. I don't hate her, but at the same time I can't help but feel annoyed. I care for her, but the one person I love is over on the other side of the room. Now I begin to see things from Cal's point of you. Granted Yvette can't touch Anna when it comes to being a decent human being, yet I still feel resentful. If only Anna weren't around...

"So, what do you think," she pokes me to get an answer.

"Yeah sure," I smile sweetly. I gotta sell this good so that she'll lay off. Realizing that Cal is my number one priority tonight I say what she wants to hear. "Whatever you want, hun."

A sincere, relieved smile flashes across her face, "Good. I'm glad." She gets up and nods over at Andrea to get her attention, "Now that we talked about it I feel better. So, why don't you go mingle for a bit. I need to go talk to Andrea for bit. As it is I really feel guilty for inviting her here to meet Cal only to have Yvette to show up. I'll be back in a bit."

"Ok," I say relieved thinking I just might be able to steal Cal away before the night's done.

Heading towards the bathroom Anna and Andrea start talking and laughing about something - whatever it is that girls talk about when they go to the bathroom. Who knows what that could be. I scan the room and to look for Cal and see that he's still wrapped up in Yvette's embrace and they're talking while they dance. She seems to have a lost a little of that victory smirk and Cal is looking frustrated running his hands through his hair. Maybe, he's stronger than I thought. I hope.

I've got to do something. There's got to be a way out of this. Pregnancy test? Call her parents? Call his parents? Push her down a flight of stairs? I bite my fingernail and me legs start bouncing while I sit at the table Anna and I were talking. I love this boy. I'm in love with him and he's in love with me. Whatever it takes I'm going to do it. No one is going to take advantage of him.

The music has shifted to something a little more upbeat - Dead or Alive, I think. The other kids are hopping around and swaying to the music on the dance floor and they give me the cover to look at my guy a little closer. His neat hair is a little messier now that he's been running his fingers through it in frustration. A slightly sweaty chest is visible over the top two undone buttons of his shirt where Yvette had been snaking through earlier to get around his neck. God help me, but this isn't going any further than tonight.

Fuck this.

Walking over I make up mind that I'm not going to pull punches. I've get everything to lose and I'm going to fight for it. I'm not afraid.

"Hey," I say grabbing Cal by the arm pulling him away from Yvette.

Startled, Cal turns to look and says hey back. Yvette stumbles backward a bit in surprise but quickly regains her composure.

"Cal, let's go outside," I say in way to convey that I'm not asking nor taking any shit from anyone.

"What do you want," spits out Yvette. "He's with me!"

I spin around and put my finger in her face, "Fuck you!" Yvette reared back not expecting that. "I don't give a shit who you are or what you think you are to Cal. What I do know is that you are mistake. A fucking big mistake and I'm not going to let you ruin his life on the off chance that we take you at your word that you're having his kid!"

"Carlos..." Cal starts to jump in, but I continue.

"You don't love him! You're just using him!" I spit out.

"Who the hell do you think you are, asshole!?" grits out Yvette through clenched teeth. "This is none of your business."

"It is my business," I shout right back at this point not caring the scene I'm causing, though, I don't think that anyone can hear what we are saying over the music.

"Guys, come on, cut it out," says Cal pulling his arm from grip. "This isn't helping."

What!? I turn to look at him, "Cal, I'm not going to let this happen... especially after everything that's happened!" I look at him hoping he understands what I'm trying to say. Us. Being boyfriends. Let Yvette think that this is about her being a backstabbing bitch.

Cal closes his and runs his hand through his hair again. He's stuck trying to figure out how not to disappoint me and Yvette. All of this is happens in just a few seconds and Yvette takes the pause as her cue to move in between myself and Cal.

"Cal, let's go..." she starts to say.

"No!" I push her away. This time I grab Cal and physically drag him from the dance floor and towards the exit. I'm not taking no for an answer. Realizing my determination Cal gives up and allows himself to be dragged up the stairs from the church basement and out in the open air of the church's parking lot. I really didn't give Yvette much of a chance to find us as I maneuvered Cal and I into the actual church. Thankfully the door to it is open even though there are no services currently being carried out.

Compared to the noise inside the dance the church is eerily quiet. The only sounds is of our shuffling feet as I drag Cal inside and of the main church door creaking shut. The loud click as the heavy wooden door found the groove in the floor to latch to causes us to stop and lean against the pews at the back of the church. I become aware that Cal and I are both panting with exertion. Him from trying to keep up and resisting a little and me from having to drag him away.

"What are you doing?" asks Cal.

I push the palms of my hands into my eyes and answer, "I don't know. I just had to get you...us away from there!"

"Shhh, keep it down!" says Cal moving over to grasp me gently by my arms.

I smell him. The sweat from dancing and from running over here permeates his clothes. It's his scent and I breath in deeply and immediately I'm at home. My pulse slows and I relax a little leaning my head against his chest. "Sorry."

"Carlos," he says pushing me away slightly to look me in the eyes, "why did you do that?"

I can't believe he's asking me that! Fuck! What's wrong with him? Pushing off from the pew I shake free and walk towards the side of the church where the confessionals are located. Cal follows quickly behind me.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I don't know," I whisper agitatedly over my shoulder at him is he sidles his way through the pew after me.

"Carlos! Carlos! Stop! Just stop" says Cal stumbling out of the pew and against me as we get to the priest side of the confessional. It looks like two giant, wooden telephone booths glued together. He pins me against the confessional with his arms on my shoulders. "What's gotten into you?"

"What's gotten into me?" I scoff back. "What's gotten into you? What do you mean what am I doing? Did you really think I was going to just stand there and watch Yvette hurt you and fuck up your life? What about us? What about how much we love each other? Did you forget that?"

"No, I didn't forget that," he says loosening his grip a little.

I spin away and sit inside in the confessional. It's only secured with a purple velvet curtain to keep prying eyes from seeing parishioners from confessing whatever transgressions that they feel that have committed. I hold my head in hands resting my elbows on my knees. "Then, why aren't you fighting back?"

"Carlos," he says coming to kneel between my legs and lifting my face up to meet his with a nudge of my chin with his hand, "I don't know if you have figured this out yet or not, but I am not as strong as you. I don't know what to do. The fact is that I know that child Yvette is carrying is mine. That's my kid. My flesh and blood."

No. No. No. Tears start to well up in my eyes ready to spill down my face. "How can you be so sure," I croak quietly.

"I know, Carlos," he whispers back. "This is my baby. I did this and maybe this time I'm finding the strength to deal with the hard shit, ya know?"

He pauses and watches the tears start to fall. Now I'm tasting blue. He's bringing in the rain and the night into my soul, "What are you saying?" I'm not feeling too well cause I just can't tell if I'm entering the gates of heaven or hell.

"I love you, Carlos. I always will," he says resting his forehead against mine.

All this loving is going in vain. I wish other's could be in my shoes cause I'm tearing through them. I thought I knew him so well. "Don't you remember when we fell in love, Cal?" I plead. "I love you," I start to sob. My ragged breaths are hitting his face; his mouth inches away. "I love you," I repeat as I close the distance to kiss him. His mouth opens to receive mine and I cup his head to keep him close to me. The velvet curtain rubs across the back of my hand as I caress the hair on the back of his head.

"I love you too, " he says between the kisses. He heaves a heavy sign and grips my wrist that's holding him, "but this isn't going to work."

"Why!?" I shout. "Why?! Why?!" I cry slumping back into the corner of the of the confessional.

Cal moves into the confessional to sit besides me, "Because her parents have already called my parents. They know," he says quietly with the voice a man resigned to his fate, "and there's nothing I can do but marry her. Not right now," he adds quickly, "but later right after we graduate."

"What? When did this happen?" I say crying. "When were you going to tell me?"

"Carlos, I just found out a few days ago," he says somberly. "I was going to tell you when we had a chance to be alone."

"Don't you love me?" I say resorting to emotional blackmail.

He groans throwing his head back against the wood on the inside of the confessional, "You know I do. Please don't make this harder than it has to be."

By now I'm just out and out sobbing snot and everything. I'm trying to come terms with what just happened - after all we have been through. "I can't believe this."

"I'm sorry."

I look back at him tears streaming down my face, "You're sorry."

"I don't know what else to say," he says dejectedly.

"Take a moment, Cal. We've held each other close and shared what we felt for each other and you can't tell me that didn't feel like home. Some many people never have the chance to have what we might have," I say trying to reason with him. I grab his hand, "Every time I hold your hand I feel like gold. Isn't there something that we can do together to get through this together?"

"Carlos, it's 1987 and we live in this small Mexican town. How do you think we're going to do that. What do you think that will do that to my kid - to have a gay dad?" he says trying to reason back. "I'm being realistic here and this isn't about you and me or even Yvette, but about my son or daughter, ok? I have to do what's right by him or her."

I kick hard at the wall separating the confessional from to the side with the priest's vestibule. "Fuck!", I yell out loud.

"Hey, stop that," he says grabbing my arms. "You're going to hurt yourself," he says.

"Hurt myself?" I say ironically.

"You know what I mean," he adds quietly trying to console me. "I didn't mean this to happen. I want you to know that I will always love you and that what we had was special" He reaches to push my hair from my face, "Honest."

"Honest?" I say bitterly.

"Yeah, honesty, Carlos. It's something you know nothing about," the curtain that had ensconced from the rest of the dark church is pulled back violently.

Anna. And, she's not alone. She is with Andrea who is hanging back a few steps behind.

Cal and I jump back and I want to shrink away into the corner of the confessional.

"I can't believe you," she says starting to cry. "I can't believe you! How could you lie to me?"

"Anna," I get up trying to step over Cal to get her. "Let me know explain.!"

"No! Don't you dare!" she says starting to walk away.

I try to go after her but Andrea holds me back by putting an arm to block my path. "Let her go, Carlos. She needs her space." She gestures towards to the confessional, "Besides, you have other things to worry about, obviously. Let me take care of Anna."

"But..." I start.

"No!" she says firmly. You've done enough tonight. With that she turns to walk away leaving me with Cal in the dark church.

- 1995 -

"Did you come to confess?"

I shoot the lead detective a harsh glare. After last night and this morning with Jeff I'm no mood.

"Ok. It was just a joke," he says though I don't think he's really trying to be funny.

I lean my head down to look at the paperwork in front of me at the front counter of the police department. Jeff is with me. I didn't get to finish tell him everything last night, though, he already knows the shit storm with Yvette. We decided to continue the conversation later. Ian had already gotten up and was getting ready to leave when I went to get ready to come to see if I could at least get my wallet from the police.

"And, who's this with you?" asks the detective. "Didn't I see you with him before?" he asks knowing full well the answer to that question.

"I'm Jeff, his boyfriend," Jeff says before I could respond.

"Oh? His boyfriend," he says quickly gesturing between us. "Why, Mr. Garza, congratulations," he says sarcastically. "Had I known, which I should have legally, I would have had a cake!"

"I just came to see if I could get my wallet," I said steely. "I called ahead and I was told I could come pick it up," I add white knuckling the counter.

"Yes, yes, I know. A little birdie told me you were coming. I have it right here," he adds grabbing a plastic bag with my wallet in it. He comes over to counter separating the public from the desks of the precinct. "Don't get your thong in a twist."

Feeling like I was about to say something stupid Jeff comes up behind and grabs my arm gently, "Let it go, Carlos. Let's just get your wallet and go."

The detective paid no mind as he was fishing out my wallet from the clear plastic bag. "Let's see. Driver License. Credit Card. Student ID Card. Social Security Card - you know you shouldn't carry that around with you - ," he says looking over the rim of his reading glasses. "Bus Pass and $230 in cash. That's it?" he says flipping me the wallet at me. "Shouldn't you be making more so you can take your boyfriend out to a fancy place for dinner?"

I grab my wallet and swallow my anger. I shouldn't be surprised by his attitude, but with Jeff in tow it is a little humiliating.

The detective directs his attention to Jeff, "I hope you know what you're getting yourself into. At the very least get some RID from the pharmacy. You'll never know what he's going to bring home," he says snidely.

Before I could respond Jeff leans over me towards the counter, "Thanks for the concern, but we gotta go."

"You sure about that with what he does," says the detective finally losing his mean spirited demeanor.

"I know what does. I know who he is, so you can quit the act," responds Jeff.

The detective is genuinely surprised. "Well, alrighty then. Everyone Sodom and his Gomorrah are leaving the building, but not the city. You can, Mr. Boyfriend, but not Mr. Garza. Oh, and Merry Christmas."

We quickly leave the precinct and start heading towards where Jeff had parked his car. I count my money on the way to the car to make sure that I have it all. I do need to put some of this towards January rent if I'm not going to be working as an escort anytime soon. As a matter of fact, what am I going to do long term I think as Jeff and I walk in the cold, gray afternoon.

"Is it always like that?" asks Jeff hands shoved in his pocket and his breath fogging up the air in front of him.

"Like what?" I respond knowing full what I think he's referring to.

"The police. Are they always like with ...uhm... uh.. guys like you?" questions Jeff.

"You can say escort. That's the polite term that we prefer," I say simply while looking ahead at nothing. "And, to answer your question. No. Not all the times. There are some gay police offices including some lesbians with a few straight ones that aren't so bad. But, every once in a while you get a guy like that. Besides, if you're careful, you usually don't have to deal with any of them. It's only the idiots who aren't careful that get caught by the cops."

"Hmmm," he says sidestepping a slushy brown clump of snow.

"Is that a good hmmm or a bad hmmm," I ask wondering if he's regretting his decision.

"That's just me assimilating information. Just processing stuff in my head. That's all. I told you that I wouldn't judge and I do appreciate you letting me bring you to get your wallet. It means a lot."

I relax a little. I'm so not used to this. "Ok."

"Well," he says walking up to the driver's side of his car, "where do you want to go from here? Do you want to go home? Do you want to go eat? Do you want to go to my place?"

"I hadn't really thought about it what with everything that's happened," I pause. "I guess I'm a little hungry."

"Ok, do you feel like eating out or going to my place," he smiles.

"I'm still a little drained from everything and I don't think I could handle being around all this Christmas cheer," I say motioning to the street lights and parking meters decked out in holiday decorations.

"Sure," he says as he slides into the car with me. He starts the car and pulls out into the mid-day traffic. "We can go to the grocery store and get something we can cook together, ok?"

I'm so not used to this and I think Jeff senses it because he reaches over to grab my hand. "Listen, I know you're not used to this - letting someone in because you think that they're going to up and leave. I'm not going anywhere. Ok?" he punctuates this by squeezing my hand. "I promise."

I look over at him and can see that he is sincere. "Alright," I say, "It's just going to take me a while to get used this."

"Duly noted."

I look down at our hands clasped together and remember the last time I did this where I thought it really meant anything. "I suppose you're going want to know the rest."

"I'd like to hear it. If you're up to it," he responds as he maneuvers through traffic towards the store. "I think it would only help you and us."

I take a deep breath and relax, "Ok. Over dinner."

For just a second I when I closed my eyes I think about that last time with Cal and try and not to fall into that black night.


email the author at austswim@aol.com

Chapter Eleven coming soon

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