Spen woke with a start, sitting bolt upright, then gently lying down again as he remembered where he was and the wonderful offer Taylor had made. Damn that guy was so nice...

He smiled to himself and rolled over, expecting his arm to come across his sleeping lover, but instead he simply found an empty, cold sleeping bag. Once again he sat up with a start, looking round for Mack and, when he couldn't immediately see him, wriggled out of his sleeping bag and turned on the lights. In the mess of the blue sleeping bags, a scrap white paper stood out like a sore thumb. Almost afraid to do so, Spen picked it up, unfolded it and began to read the scrawl that was unmistakably Mack's.

Dear Spen,
I've gone to try to talk to my dad one last time - if he won't listen to me now then I promise I'll never go back there again, and I'll be with you forever.
Love you,
Mackie

Spen looked at his watch. 2:04am. When did he leave?! Not wanting to take any chances, Spen leapt up the stairs and ran towards Tay's room.

To say Spen surprised us was a bit of an understatement: to have someone leaping into your room at two in the morning yelling and babbling ant a completely incomprehensible rate is a little disconcerting to say the least, and by the time we had woken up and managed to calm him down assorted other people in the house came to see what all the fuss was about.

Tay and I related to Walker what had happened earlier that afternoon, and it was decided we would go to Mack's house straight away to make sure he was OK.

We all pulled the clothes that were nearest to hand on and leapt into the car, an obviously concerned Diane ushering the other lads back into the house.

Walker gripped the steering wheel with a kind of grim determination as we sped along the freeway to the other side of Tulsa, Spen just hugging on to us both as if we were life itself. We did our very best to comfort him but for some reason we both had this feeling at the back of our minds that something bad had happened. How, I don't know, but there seemed something peculiar about the whole scenario - the whole night felt uneasy to me. I looked over at Tay who was gently rocking with Spen in his arms and saw the same look of apprehension in his eyes as I felt.

That apprehension was confirmed as we turned into Mack's road, flashes of blue from the police and MediVac vehicles streaking across our faces as we approached. Spen half moaned, half cried out as he opened his eyes and saw the scene painted before him, a sound that embodied the feeling of having a part of you forcibly ripped away.

Even before the car had stopped, Spen leapt from his seat and jumped out of the car, barely managing to stay upright as he madly ran for the door of the house. Just before he made it, he was fielded by Mack's mother who hugged him tightly to her, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I'm so sorry," she wept, holding on to the last living remnant of her son.

Spen tried to pull away and enter the house again, but she held on to him. "Please, don't go in there... Remember Mackie as he was..."

"Bu... But I want to s... see him," sobbed Spen, locking eyes with her.

Just then, there was a metallic clank as the wheels from a medical stretcher dropped into place. On it was a black, zip-up bag.

Spen could do nothing but watch in horror as the body of his best friend was wheeled to the back of the MediVac and unceremoniously loaded as if he were a consignment of meat for the butcher's.

The police's timing couldn't have been worse for Mack's dad as it was at this moment they escorted him, handcuffed, from the house. All the emotion that was running through Spen immediately manifested itself as pure rage, his soul purpose in life to do to him what he had done to Mack.

Tay and I raced over to him, but he had already charged at Mack's dad and with a cry that reverberated off the surrounding houses, delivered a punch that carried the force of all his weight and momentum to the man's genitals.

He fell to his, muscles tensing as he tried to cup the bruised organs with his shackled hands. We grabbed Spen, doing our utmost to prevent him from killing the guy but the strength that is present in someone as emotionally driven as Spen was then is never to be underestimated. Even with all our might, he managed to deliver two further frighteningly accurate kicks to his face, the first one dislocating his jaw, the second one sending his nose to a forty-five degree angle to the front of his face.

I eventually managed to tackle Spen to the ground whilst Tay held his upper body in an arm lock so severe I thought he had broken his arm. The police took their cue and dragged the injured man to the back of the patrol vehicle and sped off into the night, sirens blaring, leisurely followed by the MediVac.

"Is he still out there?" asked Zac, not looking up from the huge sketchpad he was busily scribbling on.

"Yeah," sighed Gareth, his breath fogging the cold kitchen window as he stared aimlessly through it into the garden. "Been there for almost four hours now, poor lad."

"How does shit like that happen?" asked Zac, putting the pad down on the table, his pencil rolling across the table and bouncing softly on the carpet beneath.

"I dunno," he replied, focusing his gaze on the still form of Spen sitting by himself on the bench in the garden. Zac stood up and went and sat by Gareth.

"I dunno what I'd do if anything happened to you," he said, the sincere sound of his voice shocking himself as well as Gareth. He really meant that. Gareth smiled and gave Zac a peck on the lips and held his hand.

"Nothing's gonna happen."

I had never seen Tay so distracted. He was pacing up and down the garage like a caged tiger.

"Tay? TAYLOR!"

"Hmm?"

I shuffled to the edge of the beanbag I was lounging on and patted the freshly vacated section of material.

He smiled weakly and came and sat by me, gently pushing his golden hair back behind his ears.

"I feel so guilty, ya know?" he said, quickly turning his head to look at me.

"Tay, it wasn't your fault! There was nothing we coulda..."

"Not about that as such... More about us..."

"Eh? In what way?"

"Boy is gay. Boy comes out to parents. Parents still love boy as much as they have ever done. Boy meets stunningly gorgeous British boy. Boy falls in love with boy. Boy finds boy's parents ALSO love him even though he is gay. Boy and boy live happily ever after. I have everything, Dean: You, my parents, YOUR parents, a wonderful family... Spen's got nothing now - the one and only thing he did have just decided he wasn't worth the time of day and topped himself... This is one fucked-up world, man..."

"OK, so we'll un-fuck it."

"What?" asked Tay, a hint of a laugh entering his voice as his mind visualised the bizarre concept of something being un-fucked. "How?"

"Well, we could start by putting Mack's arsehole of a father behind bars for as long as we can."

"Dad?"

"Not now, Taylor, I'm on the phone..."

Tay stood obediently in the doorway, feeling slightly guilty for asking his obliging father for yet another favor, this one being somewhat larger than the previous ones. He looked over his shoulder at me and I smiled back to reassure him, then decided that wasn't enough and hugged him from behind, kissing his neck.

Walker had the same frustrated look on his face as Tay had had, and was even walking up and down the room in the same manner obviously not hearing what he wanted to hear from the guy on the other end of the line. As he turned for his umpteenth stride back down the room, he caught sight of us in the doorway and stopped in his tracks.

"PETER! CAN IT!" he yelled into the phone. "I want that asshole put away for as long as you can swing it, you hear me? No, this is non- negotiable... THEN MAKE A BETTER CASE AGAINST HIM!" and with that he hit the hang-up button and chucked the cordless phone onto the sofa.

Tay and I just stood there, frozen to the spot. I'd never seen Walker angry before and from the way Tay had tensed as I hugged him, it wasn't a sight he was accustomed to either.

He dropped down onto the couch and promptly swore as he lifted himself up slightly and hurled the phone across the room.

Tay turned round and motioned for me to leave Walker in peace for a while to let him cool off.

"Hey guys, c'mere a second..."

Walker was rubbing his face and then allowed his hands to continue upwards, running his fingers through his hair.

We tentatively stood in front of him, side by side, not quite sure what to expect.

"You two really love each other, huh?" he smiled.

I looked at Tay just as he looked at me and we both nodded our heads vigorously, smiling.

He shuffled to one end of the sofa, and asked us to sit with him for a moment. Tay sat down nearest his Father and I plopped down beside him, subconsciously putting my arm around him. I quickly realised what I'd done, and pulled my hand back as if I'd been scalded, which made Walker laugh.

"Don't worry about it, Dean," he smiled. "Listen, I wanna tell you something. Tay, when you told me you were gay it... well, it didn't quite 'register' with me, ya know? Don't as me why but I guess I thought it was some kinda stunt to get my attention, and I didn't think you were serious serious about it. But when I see you guys together... Oh man..." he threw his head back and laughed slightly. "Do you know how much you two remind me of me and Diane? I suppose we were about the same age as you two when we met in highschool. It may have been a crush at the time, but I swore then and there I was gonna spend the rest of my life with her. I just see so much of us in you," he smiled, but the smile gradually drifted from his face, being replaced by a frown.

"I want you to know that I will never, EVER let anything happen to you like it has to poor Spen and Mack. I love you both more than you can realise, even if I didn't know it first... I promise you guys that if I can stop something hurting you, I will. I... I'm sorry I didn't say that sooner..."

"Oh dad," smiled Tay, leaping into his father's lap and hugging him tightly, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Thankyou,"

Walker hugged his son tighter than he could ever remember and felt a closeness more vivid than he ever had done before. I felt honored to be able to witness that and, although it sounds corny, it was beautiful. It was the way things should be. Taylor was right, we do have everything.

They broke the hug and Walker immediately hugged me tightly too. "You're family now, Dean - remember that. I'm here as much for you as I am for Taylor."

"Who was that you were on the phone to, dad?"

Walker sighed. "I called Mack's mom this morning and offered to help in any way I could: Jesus Tay she's in a mess... I swear at one stage she sounded as if she was going to follow Mack's example. She said she was sorry for ever marrying 'that asshole' - apparently he was real unkind to her when Mack wasn't around and he threatened if she ever let on to anyone she'd get it..."

"Sooo... What are you doing? To help I mean..."

"I'm gonna try to keep that shit in prison for as long as we possibly can... The lawyer was trying to coax me out of being involved, but the family was already mixed up in it, so what difference does it make?"

"What can we do about Spen?" I asked. "He's just... Existing at the moment..."

"Just be a friend, Dean: He sure as needs as many as he can get right now. He'll pull through eventually, but he needs guys like you to look after him right now... How long are you with us, Dean?"

"Uh, until the end of next week," I said, a kind of reality storming into my disoriented mind with all the subtlety of a Rhino in heat.

"OK... Go see if you can make contact with Spen, but don't push it - he has to take it at his own pace."

Tay and I thanked Walker and left him in the Den, thinking.

We pulled on our coats, walked into the garden and saw Spen still sitting, motionless, on the bench. We walked over to him and sat down, me nearest him.

"Listen, Spen - if you ever want to talk, man..."

The unbelievable noise of absolute silence surrounded us for three or four very long minutes, all three of us now sat staring vacantly at the dark green hedge at the bottom of the yard, thinking about what had happened.

Then I noticed that Spen was crying: Not sobbing, but tears were rolling down his cheeks. Taking a gamble, I put my arm round his shoulders and almost immediately he collapsed into me, his crying muffled by my fleece.

"Why?" he sobbed, not daring to move from me.

That flawed me. I really didn't know why he'd done it, or at least could never really understand how someone could possibly get themselves into that state of mind.

"I should've told him I loved him more..."

"Spen, listen to me - you did everything you possibly could for Mack: I saw you two together - he was genuinely happy when he was around you. You made everything worth while - you were what he lived for."

"S... So why did he do it?"

"When people are upset, they do crazy things, Spen... Mack's dad is an arsehole. I don't know what he said to him or what he had done to him, but whatever it was I can guarantee that it wasn't true. The guy is narrow-minded and can't accept anything outside what HE believes to be right, never mind the rest of the world... Remember that Mack knew his dad for a lot longer than he knew you, AND he was his father... I know it sounds harsh, but even though you might know your dad is lying to you or saying things about you that deep down you knew weren't true, because he's your dad you may believe for a while that what he said was Gospel..."

"But why did his dad say that shit?"

"I don't know, Spen... There are some evil people in this world: That bastard's one of 'em."

The conversation seemed to leap all over the place as it followed the random emotions and thoughts that were streaming through Spen's distraught mind. He was perpetually blaming himself: What if I, if I had said, if I had done... It was a long haul, but we gradually managed to convince him that he hadn't done anything wrong - hell, he had probably been the best thing that could have ever possibly happened to Mack: He had the same love for Mack as Tay and I did for each other. Spen was his guiding light - the one thing that kept him on the straight and narrow. Mack had lived for Spen, and it was because he had been blindfolded from Spen's absolute devotion to him for that short period of time by his arsehole of a father that he had done what he had done.

"But what if I had been there with him? I could have told him that I still loved him..."

"His father would have shouted you down, Spen... The man was full of hate and because of who he was, Mack would have listened to him first... You mustn't blame yourself..."

We carried on talking and eventually managed to steer the conversation round to the good times he and Mack had shared in the past. He remembered sitting in one of the Cafes in the Tulsa mall and wolf-whistling at any cute boys who walked past, and then just pretending to be talking to each other as the lad looked round for whoever it was whistling at them.

He remembered the time that they arranged for Mack to sleep over at his house while his mother was in hospital for a couple of days for a check-up: They had managed to 'obtain' a few bottles of beer and decided to stay up all night watching TV. They had ordered pizza and he remembered how Mack, being slightly drunk, managed to embarrass the hell out of the pizza delivery lad by making a couple of very un- subtle passes at him...

Then there was the hour they had spent before coming to the Hanson's house carefully painting their message on each others' buttocks before getting rather more excited than they had planned to, nearly missing their bus in the process...

Spen sighed and rubbed his red-ringed eyes and smiled a feint smile. "I'll miss him," he breathed, just managing to utter the sentence before he cried once more.

Spen had asked to be taken back home that evening, so naturally Walker obliged. We offered to go with him, but he said that we'd already done more than enough. He smiled genuinely, thanked us once again and gave us both a peck on the cheek before following Walker out to the car.

Tay and I meandered back down to the garage.

"D'you think he'll be OK?"

"I hope so," replied Tay. "I told him to call whenever he needs to talk, even if it sounds really dumb..."

"It's usually the dumb things that are the most important,"

"Yeah..."

Tay sat himself down infront of his Kurzweil keyboard and flicked the power switch, a soft thud emanating from the monitor speakers on the floor infront of him.

The instant I heard the first chord, I knew what he was playing and it practically made me burst into tears there and then, Taylor himself having a hard job fighting them back.

          "If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry
          And if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye.
          Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress,
          Remember me, remember me,
          'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams, woah..
          I'll be with you.

          If I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry
          And if I'm gone when you wake up, don't ask why.
          Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress
          Remember me, remember me,
          'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams

          Don't cry, I'm with you,
          Don't cry, I'm by your side,
          Don't cry, I'm with you,
          Don't cry, 'cause I'm by your side:
          And though my flesh is gone, wow-woah,
          I'm still be with you at all times
          And though my body's gone, wow-woah,
          I'm gonna be there to comfort you at all ti..."

Tay's voice failed him, the reverb applied to the keyboard's sound echoing earily away as he stopped playing. I rushed over to him and sat facing him in his lap, hugging him to me.

"Dean, you must promise me something: Promise you'll never do anything like that, no matter what happens to you, me or to us..." he sobbed, pulling my shirt into bunches with his shaking hands.

"Only as long as you promise that too," I whispered.

We relaxed the embrace slightly and made that infinite eye-contact that allowed us to communicate without words, seeing that we truly meant what the other said.

"I promise," we both said in unison, then sealed the pact with a kiss.


On to Chapter Thirty-Three

Back to Chapter Thirty-One

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The Exchange is © 1999 by Dean Lidster. This work may not be duplicated in any form (physical, electronic, audio, or otherwise) without the author's written permission. All applicable copyright laws apply. All individuals depicted are fictional with any resemblance to real persons being purely coincidental.

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