Kevin woke us up the next morning at a quarter past six. Not getting a huge response, he unlocked the door using his master key (the priveliges a security bloke gets...) stuck his head inside the trailer and yelled for us to get up. When he saw Tay's bed deserted and four times the amount there should be in Zac's, he muttered something indestinguishable, shook his head and left us alone. We then heard roughly the same routine going on next door with Ike and Andy.

I asked Tay what Kevin'd think about us all sleeping together.

"He's swarn to secrecy. No matter what we get up to, Kev won't let on a bit, even to our parents. That way they don't have anything to hide from the press. Why else d'you think Kev gets such a big pay packet... The only thing he would pass on was if he thought one of us was doing drugs. We're not into that kinda shit, so no problems..."

We dressed each other as quickly as was practicable, but with some underware swapping thrown in for good measure. Zac fished a box of Frosties out fom a cupboard and we all grabbed handfulls due to the lack of milk without lumps in it...

A couple of minutes later, Ike opened the door, wielding his acoustic guitar. He informed us that it was now called Drew after Andy - he was in the habit of naming his guitars after the person he had a crush on at the time. Drew just happened to be a suitably genderless name that he could use in public without eyebrows being raised. He also told us that Andy wouldn't be coming as he was needed in pulling the lighting rigs apart.

"Dean, he told me to tell you he shouldn't need your help today," Ike grinned.

We decided we were about ready to set off and meandered outside. Kevin was nowhere to be seen but one of the huge touring lorries had its tailgate open and a pair of ramps extending from the back.

"Where is he? I thought he was the one that wanted to leave early to miss the traffic..." No sooner had the words left my mouth when the sound of a large, nearly unsilenced V8 engine ripped through the cold mornng air, closely followed by the twitter of a pair of turbochargers.

My jaw dropped as a deep pagan purple coloured vehicle began to reverse down the ramps. From the profile I had of it, it was definitely a Ford Transit, but like no other I'd ever seen in my entire life! Apart from the outrageous paintwork which was now revealed in its entirity (including finely detailed artworks of scantily clad valkeries) the vehicle sat on huge 18" Oz 3-spoke alloy wheels clad in equally impressive foot-wide Yokohama tyres. You could only see about two thirds of the above, however, as the suspension had been lowered to such an extent.

The driver's window glided down into the door, revealing a very smug looking Kevin, complete with semi-insane grin. "Whatcha think?" he asked me and Gareth, already knowing the answer from the look of utter disbelief and envy on our faces. Tay grabbed my hand and we walked over to the idling monster. He opened the slding door to reveal an interor becoming of the vehicle's impressive exterior - leather Ricaro seats and harnesses, deep pile purple carpet, purple neon strip lights everywhere at floor level and grilles covering speakers that looked like they could rival the sound system in the NEC...

Walking round the outside of the van, I could see where the name came from: I'm not quite sure how he did it, but each of the blue Ford ovals had indeed been modified to read "Dorf". The front air dam was now but half an inch from the tarmac and there were more lights embedded into it than you could shake a stick at. The normal plastc grille had been replaced with a balck mesh one, and all the windows had been one-way tinted. This was one transit I didn't mind taking a drive in at all!

We all piled in, Ike in the front and fastened our harnesses securely. Kev then pulled the autobox's selector to "D" and gently dabbed the accelerator. The huge Chevvy V8 gurgled to itself and we gently made our way across the car park. Even at 15MPH or so, you could feel every bump and pebble due to the low pofile tyres and immensely stiff racing suspension. The fun really began, though, as we hit the motorway: coming down the sliproad Kev booted the throttle and the Transit took off like a gazelle on steroids! The acceleration was such that it was a physical effort to try and move your arm from the seat, and this was accompanied by the sort of roar / scream only a tuned V8 with a pair of turbos can produce. All too soon, the acceleration died off and the roar turned back to a more civilised burble. Glancing over Kevin's shoulder I was more than shocked to see we were doing over 90! I wanted this car...

As we sweapt briskly along the motorway, Kev filled us in on how Dorf came to be. To cut a (very) long story short, it'd taken him two years and most of his salary to turn a bog standard trannie van into this purple monster, and what he didn't spend on the build went straight into the fuel tank...

We soon arrived at school to much jaw dropping and finger pointing from the just-arriving day kids and their parents.

"D'you think you can park somewhere subtle?" I asked.

"Sod that," said Kevin, stopping right infront of the school's front door. "It's not possible to be subtle in this. You just park whereyou like..." He did have a point.

"OK - can you guys stay here for a moment while I go talk to the headmaster? Don't get out or you may well be mobbed, even here..."

The school grapevine, although not necessarily very accurate, was certainly quick - today being no exception. As a result, I met the headmaster racing down the stairs to see who that "Purple monstrosity" belonged to.

After managing to calm him down a tad (never an easy task on a monday morning at the best of times) I tried to explain the situation to him.

"Well, sir, you know Gareth didn't manage to get back to school last night?"

"Mr. Russell had mentioned it to me..."

"Well, he was at this concert with me last night. He's fine, and we've brought a couple of friends with us this morning to see the school... By the way, who's taking Chapel this morning?"

"Oh sh....ugar. It's me!" he said, obviously having forgotten. It wasn't unheard of for him to forget completely and simply not turn up...

"Um, would you mind if I took it in your place?" If anything, pupils taking Chapel was actively encouraged by the staff: They said it aided public speaking. We think it gave them one less thing to do...

"No, no, not at all - as long as you don't give a repeat performance of last time..."

"Awww, c'mon. sir - you know that wasn't my fault!"

"Hmmmph, just be sure this time, OK? Do you need someone to play any music for you today?"

"Nope. Already got some..."

"OK. Well, good luck..."

The last time I took Chapel I played the first song from the Pulp Fiction CD. This would have been great had the guy playing the music read the post-it note on the front of the case, asking him to play from about 45 seconds in. But he didn't, so all of Honey Bunny's 'f'ing and blinding was played to the full school complement. Thankfully, the staff acknowledged it as a sincere mistake...

I thanked the headmaster who gave me his "No, thank YOU" look, obviously relieved that he didn't have to throw an assembly together, complete with ethics and meaning. Instead he could sit and relax for a half hour, something he couldn't normally do.

I went back out the front door again to find Dorf surrounded by my fellow students, all trying to peer through the tinted windows. I wound my finger in the air hoping that Kevin would see me - thankfully he did and fired up the engine. I'd never seen twenty people jump away from something simultaneously before, and I wished I had a camcorder. That fool Jeremy Beadle'd pay 250 for that...

I jogged infront of Dorf and led them around to the back of the school. Thankfully we'd lost the majority of the crowd, so I opened the door and led Ike, Tay, Zac and Gareth into the Green Room. A moment later, the bell rang signalling for people to start heading towards chapel. Now I was starting to get nervous. It didn't matter how many times I'd done this, I got just as nervous each time. Tay noticed I was looking slightly perturbed, so he came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"Don't worry," he said, grinning. "You've got a good supporting cast..."

"The best" I said and kissed him back.

I heard rammle beyond the door quieten down as the Prefect on Duty did his best to shut them up for the staff to enter. After another minute or so, everything went completely quiet - my prompt to go out... I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Morning, people," I said. There was a muffled response from about a third of the school. That was no good at all... "OK - follow my instructions: Look at the fool with long hair on the stage..." This woke about two thirds up. Good enough. "Right, I'd like to talk to you this morning about one of my favourite bands - Hanson. They are three kids about the same age as us and look what they've managed to achieve."

Now, I knew from personal experience that nothing pleased the kids at my school more than something going horribly wrong during a presentation such as this. This could be anything from someone forgetting a line to a technical problem such as a CD not playing. So I decided to give them some amusement.

"Without saying any more, I'd like to play you a track from their first album 'Middle Of Nowhere' entitled 'Madeline'".

Silence.

More silence.

Laughter. This was, for once, good...

"Ermm, OK, sorry about that... I... well, for once I have a backup to the CD player..." Everyonekept laughing, albeit slightly quieter. I opened the Green Room door and beckoned for Hanson to emerge. Silence fell over the whole school as Zac emerged, closely followed by Tay and Ike.

"OK. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Ike, Tay and Zac Hanson. Hanson, meet my school..." I graciously retired to the side of the stage and allowed the trio to take over.

Ike took the thread and conbtinued": Well, I guess that's the introductions over.. Um, I guess we'd better shut up and play someth..."

"Its HANSON!!" Yelled one of the fifth from girls, leaping from her seat.

"Where, where?" yelled Zac, looking round in mock excitement.

"Oh, us! Thanks for clearing that point up a little," Tay grinned back. "We never really quite knew who we were..."

Sixteen pairs of eyes belonging to various members of staff and a further two hundred and fifty belonging to the pupils focused on the poor star-struck girl who slowly and carefully sat back down in her seat helped by a couple of her friends.

"Enough of the talking already," said Ike and began strumming the opening chords to Madeline on Drew. Everyone was actingpretty wooden until about the middle of the second verse when they decided that they should stop being shocked and actually enjoy the music that was being performed for them.

At the end of the song they actually got spontaneous applause - something very strange from this rabble: usually it was left to a member of staff to start the applause as no one was paying enough attention to realise that it was required. Having that happen was usually a very good sign of their approval.

"Wow, thankyou... OK - now I know you'll all know the next one - love it or hate it I want you ALL to join in the chorous - staff as well, OK?" announced Tay.

The staff all looked very apprehensive indeed but would play ball - the majority of them being good sports, the one notable exception being David Russell, Gareth's housemaster. He had to be the most balshy, miserable sod in existance - a true-to-life Scrooge if ever there was one.

"Go for it, Ike,"

As he played the opening notes of MMMBop, there was a mixed reaction from the crowd, but everyone certainly knew the words... I still marvelled at the way their three voices harmonised effortlessly as if they'd been tuned by some higher power. As the chorous approached, Tay signalled everyone to start clapping over their heads as they started to MMMBop.

This seemed to be going quite well until Zac yelled "Stoooop! Hold it! You and you," he said, pointing to a couple of lads on the back row. "Yeah, you know who you are. HANDS IN THE AIR! Well, come on, then! I'm not gonna quit until you do... That's better - and smile! Enjoy yourself... Oh, and that applies to you too, mister," he said, waving a hand at Russell.

I could see the anger building up inside him but there was absolutely naff all he could do about it, and he knew it! I'd never seen him squirm so much in my entire life - boy did it feel good. I looked over at Gareth who was smiling widely as well, obviously pleased that the housemaster from hell had got a sort of comeuppance, even if it was only a small one.


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