My second life got its start on that mountain. In all the years I'd been watching them, I never figured my first life would end on those mountains. Lying there, my first life felt very much like my last life.

It was the end as well as the beginning. What put me on that mountain at the same time Lit'l Fox was there?

The idea of forces far more complicated than the mind of a 14 year-old boy were at work, never crossed my mind. Life was hard enough to figure out without throwing in a supernatural presence.

A boy looking over a cliff to see what he can see, isn't supernatural. A boy looking over a cliff, sees another boy looking back at him. The boy looking back has a broke leg. The Indian boy looking down, goes down to bring the boy with the broke leg up.

Building a sled, the Indian boy starts toward his village, where the injured boy can be treated. It isn't a journey that's incident free, and the incident will tie the two boys together in a more permanent way than the simple rescue of another boy.

My second life had begun. It was obvious that I ended up in an Indian village. The Indians were Pawnee. There were many Pawnee villages in the area, but being Pawnee made it far more agreeable. That's not quite as agreeable as Medicine Woman's tender care. She took care of me like I was her own grandson. I suppose it was convenient that she was my grandmother, and my father's mother.

A miracle or some random happenstance. It helps to adapt to my second life. Not just a second life, but the life I was meant to have all along. This was a life worth living. It had all the things I wished I had but didn't while living my first life.

Medicine Woman was doctor, teacher, and grandmother to me. While healing, I got all the lessons I needed in being Pawnee. The people in the village see me as one of their own.

My complexion makes it apparent I'm white, but all day every day in the sun changes all of that. Once I've turned brown, my white skin a thing of the past. The story of my father disappearing from his village is complicated. The story of his son coming to live in the village was an event that seemed meant to be. I was becoming a much more impressive Pawnee than I was as a white boy.

I knew there were Pawnee in the region, but I didn't know how to find them. I didn't need to. A Pawnee brave found me.

I'd like to say that my first life had meant something to me. I left Maw, Paw, and my grandfather behind. I'd like to say that I missed them. I'd like to say they were honest people doing their best. None of it was true. They were all dishonest and they were less than honest with me. My grandfather was a preacher who should have known better, but I guess it's okay for a preacher to lie if it benefits him. It was my grandfather that thought up the lie I lived with.

My second life would be filled with meaning and people who let me know them. From the conversations in our lodge on the far side of the mountain, I knew who these people were, even before they explained it to me. Medicine Woman treated me, taught me Pawnee, and fed me. Lit'l Fox was protective of me. He was like my brother, and Running Horse loved me. They all loved me, accepted me, and helped me to learn about being Pawnee.

The key to my second life was Running Horse. He was of two spirits and he would be chief. I would sit on his right, as my grandfather, Dark Horse, sat on Lone Wolf's right hand, while Lone Wolf was chief. I'd like to say the second life was all the life I needed, and it was. It had the meaning my first life never had. I'd have stayed forever with Running Horse, if it was meant to be, but it wasn't. My second life wasn't as long as I'd have liked. There was a lot of dying in my second life. As a Pawnee warrior, you accept the dying as the price you pay for living. No matter how long your life is, dying came to us all at the end.

In the end, Running Horse was all that was left of my Pawnee family. I love him no less today. True love lives on until you take your final journey. For Running Horse to have a long life, I needed to go.

Being Pawnee was the best thing I ever did. Leaving that life is the hardest thing I did. When my first life ended, my second life unfolded before me. With no concept of my situation at the time, I invested myself in being a Pawnee warrior.

When you are on the run, you run. I ran because I couldn't stay in that life without endangering everyone else. Being where the cavalry could find me wasn't a smart thing to do. My love for Running Horse was strong enough to pay and fight to keep it, but our love was strong enough that leaving was the only smart move to make.

Being on the run meant having little idea of where I might end up. If I didn't want to end up at the end of a rope, I'd keep moving.

It is my first life I was able to go back to, and my parents asked no questions. They furnished all I would need for my new identity my father was betting the cavalry couldn't see through.

I lived my entire life, both lives, in the western territories. In my new life I was moving east. By going east there were fewer Indians and more whites. I'd lived in a tiny town that belonged to white people. I thought I knew all I needed to know about white people, but I knew little. As there were many kinds of Indians, the same was true of white people. They came in all varieties.

With so many people and faces I'd encounter, perhaps mine would be lost in the crowd. I'd hire out to do what people need done, but I wouldn't stay long in one place. Moving was the only smart move.

I had nothing to do where my second life took me. I went where it took me. I went willingly into that life. The mountains divided my second life from my first life. The mountain figured into my plan to get me a griz to prove I was a man but I was very much a boy, who grew up to be a Pawnee warrior.

While I healed from my broke leg in the lodge of Dark Horse and Medicine Woman, I went through many changes. At first, amazed that I was in a Pawnee village, it was a dream come true. As Medicine Woman treated my broke leg, she spoke English and Pawnee to me. As the time passed while healing, she spoke of the Pawnee. She taught me Pawnee, but I could never think as a Pawnee thought.

I never spoke Pawnee well, but I understood it better than I spoke it. I used English to fill in the blanks, but like Medicine Woman, most Pawnee knew some English. It was late at night, after I should have been sleeping, I heard the name Proud Eagle mentioned. At first I believed it was a dream, but the craziest part of it was, Proud Eagle left and never returned. Were Dark Horse and Medicine Woman Proud Eagle's mother and father?

Getting stronger, I began putting the new pieces into an old puzzle. Medicine Woman guessed who I was. She spoke of it to Dark Horse. If they were Proud Eagle's mother and father, Lit'l Fox was my brother, and they were my grandparents.

Medicine Woman spoke to Dark Horse about a one armed Pawnee man living in a cabin in the valley where the river runs. She was speaking of my Paw, and they spoke of the massacre that separated my father from his village.

Little of my father's past came out at the cabin, but his village had been attacked. There was a massacre, and when he and other warriors went after the renegades, none of them returned alive. They found only three bodies. They searched for the body of Proud Eagle without success where the warriors from the village had been ambushed by the renegades they were following.

Proud Eagle hadn't been found. Medicine Woman had long thought the one armed Pawnee was Proud Eagle. I told her that I came from the cabin in the valley where the river runs. That made me the son of Proud Eagle. My mother once told me my father's Pawnee name. I didn't forget he was Proud Eagle. Hearing his name inside the lodge where I was healing explained a lot. The Indian boy who rescued me was my brother, and we were closer than close by that time.

I came home in place of my father who never did come home. The village moved after the massacre. Of all the quirks of fate in the universe, this had to be the quirkiest.

I couldn't have figured out how to wish for such a thing. My longing to be Pawnee was ever present in my heart. I wanted my father to teach me about being Pawnee. He didn't. His mother did.

I had no desire to return to the cabin in the valley where the river runs. By the time my leg healed, I had my own plan about being a Pawnee warrior. With my brother and his best friend at my side, I followed their lead, and my white skin slowly browned in the sun.

As my hair grew, Maw kept it cut close to my scalp, it became a long blond mane. One morning as Medicine Woman watched me, she gave me my Pawnee name.

"You Tall Willow."

I was Tall Willow. It was how I became known to my people. I found the people I longed to know. I dreamed of being Pawnee and I became one. It couldn't have happened much sooner than it did. I was still going to school. I was still sticking close to the house. Once I turned 14, and I got that Hawkin, it was time I started to roam.

The Hawkin stayed in the corner of Medicine Woman's lodge. I had a bow and arrows and a desire to be good with a bow. I'd always been a good hunter, and Pawnees did not hunt with rifles.

As I grew tall and stronger, I did what all Pawnee boys did. There were no time constraints. We ate before leaving our lodge early in the day. It was time for the noon meal when the sun was high in the sky, and we were worn out. When the sun was low in the sky, it was time to return to the lodge for the evening meal and to rest.

At the cabin in the valley where the river runs, it was time to get up. Time to go to school. Time to do chores.

There was no talk of time in the village. Boys were free to do what boys did. If we were tired of running free, or hungry, we went to eat and rest for an hour. After we ate, we ran ourselves ragged, doing what Indian boys did. In the evening, once light was leaving the sky, we went to the lodge, ate and rested until light returned to the sky.

In the Pawnee village, I was in school each day. With my brother on one side, Running Horse on the other, I did what they did. This is how I became Pawnee. No one thought I didn't belong when my skin was white. No one thought I didn't belong after my skin was browned.

Time wasn't the only thing that disappeared from my life. I'd finished school according to the teacher at the white school. There was no more to learn. That was before I got to the Pawnee village.

I didn't have one teacher. There were a village of teachers. Each day I learned something new by doing new things. Things new to me but not to the boys I watched. I did what they did. I got better and better as I did what all future Pawnee warriors did.

For the first time, my heart was in the things I did. I'd found my place in the world. I'd found a place where I felt like I belonged. I was Tall Willow, Pawnee, and when I took my bow and disappeared into the woods, I spent hours firing my arrows. Running Horse followed me one day, and he watched me while I practiced with a bow. He was by far the best archer in the village. He'd practiced too and I'd become the second best bowman in the village.

As lives go, this was finally the life I wanted. I was more at home with the Pawnee than I ever was in the white school. I learned to be a good Pawnee. I played Pawnee games, hunted with them, doing all the things Pawnee boys did. The only time I wasn't with them, was while I took my bow into the forest alone. Well, it turned out I didn't go alone. After a few weeks, Running Horse caught on to what I was doing, and when I went into the woods, he came with me.

Running Horse was Lit'l Fox's best friend and mine too. Running Horse was the oldest young warrior, except for Tall Elk, who never joined in our games. He thought he was too old for playing games. Tall Elk saw me in a different light. He was the boy I didn't know.

After I was well on my way to growing up, one thing kept nagging at me. I thought in English. I wanted to think as a Pawnee thought, but as hard as I tried to think as a Pawnee, I switched to English if I couldn't figure something out. This was a worry. Trying to think in Pawnee frustrated me, and there were words for things I wanted to say that didn't exist in the Pawnee language.

That's when I used English to say what I was trying to say.

Medicine Woman put my way of thinking into perspective.

"Don't lose your ability to think in English, Tall Willow. One day you'll need to think in English. It will be of value once Running Horse is chief. He'll need you at his right hand to explain the words to him."

This was when I found out that Running Horse would be chief. He didn't act any differently than any of the other boys. He was more mature and the best at everything we did. No one said he'd be chief.

Did she see how close Running Horse and I had become. We didn't hide it, and the other boys knew how close we were. While white men were hostile to boys who liked each other too much, no one minded in the village.

"You'll be chief?"

"Once Lone Wolf takes his final journey, I'll be chief."

Chief Lone Wolf had hardly noticed me. He was my father's uncle and brother of Dark Horse. Dark Horse sat at Lone Wolf's right. Both Medicine Woman, and then, Running Horse told me I'd sit at his right.

Medicine Woman was the chief's advisor. As Dark Horse advised Lone Wolf, I would advise Running Horse. These things seemed to be known by everyone but me. I wasn't Running Horse's brother, but we were cousins. We were also in love.

Lit'l Fox told me early on, "Running Horse is of two spirits."

It was how the Pawnee regarded someone who liked the same sex. It wasn't a joke to the Pawnee. This was a special state of mind. I was the boy Running Horse fell in love with, and I loved him.

I'd sit at his right hand in spite of it, or because of it.

This is a long story with unusual twists and turns that might seem complicated. I took a step at a time. No matter how far I got, when I looked back, I could see where I came from. I could see each step as it was taken. I could see ahead but I didn't know where I was going.

While I did my best to think like a Pawnee, it was my ability to think in English that gave me my value. My ability to understand what was being said in English, gave me a value to my chief no one else could give him. I suppose being in love with my chief added even more value. It was valuable to me.

We lived in a Pawnee world that was being surrounded by white people. I was familiar with the white world. I could predict what white people were likely to do with some accuracy. I wasn't the only one who took benefit from my odyssey. I shared with all who were concerned.

This knowledge gave me far more pleasure being where I was. My presence was met with little resistance. I rode beside the chief to be and together, we supplied more meat for the village than any other warriors. We worked as a team. Being together meant more and longer opportunities to get game, while allowing us to be physically close. What wasn't to like about that?

I was drawn to Running Horse in a way I'd never been drawn to anyone before. I was 14 when I left the cabin in the valley where the river runs. Love was a concept that had no meaning to my life.

As I emerged from Medicine Woman's lodge on two good legs Running Horse was already my best friend. Being Lit'l Fox's cousin and best friend, not to mention grandson of Dark Horse and Medicine Woman, meant he was always in their lodge. We were family and it suited me just fine.

While I was healing from my broke leg, Running Horse came to the lodge with gifts and we sat and talked for hours. Elders came to talk with Dark Horse and Medicine Woman. I didn't know what the other villagers knew. Everyone knew I was in Medicine Woman's lodge. They knew Lit'l Fox brought me there.

Running Horse's father was son of Dark Horse and Medicine Woman. Running Horse's father was my father's brother. We were cousins, best friends, and lovers. Running Horse was three years older than I was. He wanted to be close to me and I liked being close to him. I was about to turn fifteen when I emerged from the lodge on two strong legs. I didn't limp or favor my broke leg. It had healed.

That's when the journey truly began. I ran with Lit'l Fox and Running Horse, and our first kiss was a year away, but he held my hands and smiled at me each time we came together. Because Medicine Woman acted as mother to both Lit'l Fox and Running Horse, he was welcome in their lodge, although he lived with Lone Wolf, who acted as his father as well as chief.

How much Running Horse knew at the time I was healing, I can't say, but our relationship began in the lodge and grew stronger once I could stand, walk and talk with him. Only Lit'l Fox spent more time with me, once I was going outdoors, but we lived in the same lodge.

At first, I didn't realize I was in love with Running Horse. I looked forward to his visits while I was recovering. I looked forward to his daily visits, when we talked. I assumed he came to see Lit'l Fox, but he paid more and more attention to me.

Running Horse came from outside our lodge, and he often brought me gifts that made me smile. The more I like the flowers and objects he made for me, the happier he seemed. I felt light headed when he'd touch me or when he sat so close we were touching. His smell was distinctive. It began to arouse feelings inside of me I'd never known before.

As I became familiar to life moving around me in the village, most things were new. I'd lived in one place my entire life. There weren't many things to smile about. It was the same every day, day in and day out.

Our lodge was a busy place with people coming and going. People were always coming and going. Both Medicine Woman and Dark Horse were important to the villagers. Medicine Woman treated the people's ills, and as the warrior who sat at Lone Wolf's right hand, Dark Horse often explained things he knew. When people came, they got used to me being in the lodge, and they all said hello.

I could feel heat coming off of Running Horse when he sat close to me. The heat might have been coming from me. This was before I knew about his two spirits. While he didn't speak English well, he spoke enough, and Medicine Woman taught me enough Pawnee, we understood each other. At least I think we did. There are things that can be said without words, and we understood plenty by the time I was able to get up and walk outside.

He was smart, funny, and he was the most handsome Pawnee in the village, and he spent much of his time with me. While I was healing, and after I healed.

Lit'l Fox told me, "He of two spirits. Like boy. Like you."

In those few words, I got the idea. Like boy. Like Running Horse.


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"Like"

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