I liked Running Horse.

This is when I began to understand my own feelings. There weren't many feelings to have at the cabin in the valley where the river runs. I did not so much feel as I endured a life that felt sadly incomplete. I felt like a piece of me was missing.

I was too busy wanting to learn what Medicine Woman was teaching me to worry much about home. I'd discovered a new world. I guess you could say I fell into it, but no matter how I got there, being there created happiness for me.

A big part of that happiness was Running Horse's regard for me. I liked Running Horse touching me. I found his touch pleasant. His eyes were often in my eyes when I looked for them. When I found them, he'd often blush before he smiled.

While it was new to me, I was living with his grandparents, and mine, so his visits seemed natural, even when he paid more attention to me than to his cousin, Lit'l Fox. It took a while for Lit'l Fox to explain it to me, but eventually, most things Pawnee were explained.

Being of two spirits was far nicer than how the boys at school taunted other boys if they seemed too close. This was the reason I made no friends at school. That and I lived as far away as you could get and still live in the valley.

I walked five miles to the school, rain or shine.

Once I was out and about in the village, Running Horse stayed near. At first there were things I didn't dare do, but soon, I was mixing it up like any of the Pawnee boys who lived there. I wanted to do everything a Pawnee boy did, and I wanted to do it better than anyone, which was a tall order. Running Horse was the best at everything. The boys all followed his lead.

That's how I learned to be Pawnee. No one taunted me for being white, or for how Running Horse touched me. In no time at all, my skin had turned brown, because I was always outside, and I wore what the other Pawnee wore in warm weather. I wore a breach cloth that Medicine Woman made me out of the softest deer skin.

When the games were over, or the bows put away, Running Horse walked with me. Even with his many friends, when there was time to be spent, Running Horse spent it with me. He was older than me. He knew what love was. He knew what he wanted, and he got no argument from me. It's how I learned about love.

I'd been told Running Horse would be chief, but it was hardly something that would happen soon. Lone Wolf was alive and well and in charge of his village. I didn't see him much, because he stayed in his lodge most of the time. It's the lodge where Running Horse lived since he was a small child.

He came to our lodge, because you just don't invite friends to drop by the chief's lodge. If Lone Wolf wanted to speak to you, he'd send for you. I'd been in the village over a year the first time he spoke to me. He had to know that Dark Horse and Medicine Woman were my grandparents. He was Dark Horse's brother. That meant we were blood relatives, but he saw no need to rush over to say hello.

I didn't expect he'd have anything to say to me. The man had a village to run, and the white boy Lit'l Fox brought home didn't figure into his duties.

When we did speak, it was a conversation on Running Horse becoming chief. It was a no nonsense conversation, and the subject was my value to Running Horse as someone who spoke and understood English. My Pawnee wasn't that good, but I understood.

Having a value to the village was something new. For me, the benefit was all mine. He gave me something to think about.

Lone Wolf approved of my hunting skills. For this he awarded me an eagle's feather sometime later. Running Horse was given the same award from his chief. This seemed to tell the village that Lone Wolf approved of me and the position I would assume once Running Horse was chief. I didn't have many conversations with Lone Wolf. He had a way of speaking without needing words to get his point across.

My second life was a good life. My first life gave me no joy. My second life brought one joy after another. I was highly regarded and accepted. I lived in Medicine Woman's lodge, and she was regarded as highly as anyone in the village, after Chief Lone Wolf.

Lit'l Fox wasn't strong. While he managed to keep up, we wore him out most days. Medicine Woman said that we needed to find ways to let him rest when he needed rest, and being my brother, and Running Horse's best friend, it was up to us to protect Lit'l Fox from his desire to be as good as we were at the things we did.

Once I had two good legs, we were outside all the time. We came in to eat and to sleep. We ran from sunrise to sunset. There was no school, except for Medicine Woman's lodge, where she taught me. I didn't realize that I was in school all day every day. I learned to be as Pawnee as the boys I ran with. Everything we did prepared us for the things we'd need to do for the village as hunters and warriors.

Lone Wolf and Dark Horse were all that was left of their generation of warriors. They both lived long enough to see the next generation of warriors grow strong under their watch. Lone Wolf took the longest to recognize me as Pawnee. He did spend time walking and talking with me toward the end of his life.

It was while he walked and talked with Running Horse that he allowed me to walk along and listen to what he was saying. This was an honor I didn't expect, but I was to sit at Running Horse's right hand. I should know what Lone Wolf was telling him about times past as well as the times to come.

Time was passing. Not just Running Horse and I were getting older. Lone Wolf was aging. So were Dark Horse and Medicine Woman. They seemed fine to us, but I was in my twenties and they were my grandparents. I thought I would live forever, but our elders knew that their time had come and gone. They prepared us to take charge.

Even as Lone Wolf was preparing for his final journey, he had a warning for us. He saw a crisis coming and he told us of his plan to head off danger. He told us what was coming and what he wanted us to do about it. It would be difficult for a new chief to make such a move, but it would need to be done.

Writing about it is nothing like living it. While living it, I couldn't see where I was going. Writing about it means I saw where I came from and I know where I went. In spite of it being difficult at the time, we went on what we'd been told, and how to correct the difficulty.

Running Horse and I charged into the future together, loving every minute we shared. The village was at peace. We enjoyed the bounty Mother Earth provided.

In our village we lived as the Pawnee people lived for a thousand years. We would move to a new village before the trouble came. Lone Wolf told us where to look for the place to put the new village. We thought he'd been to that place, after the massacre that lead him to the location of the present day village.

How Lone Wolf knew what he knew is still a mystery to me. He did know. When I talked to our chief, or listened to him speak with Running Horse, his nobility and wisdom had my mind reaching for some explanation. There was no explaining it. It was what it was.

Knowing things he could not possibly know had me looking differently at Running Horse. If this is what a chief became, wise and all knowing, would my lover develop these traits?

Would Running Horse be able to see what was beyond a bend in the road before we reached it?

I knew the place along the river where Lone Wolf told us to turn north, and ride until we saw the most beautiful spot we'd seen.

"That is where the village will go. You'll know it when you see it."

I'd ridden west along the river with my father on a hunting trip. There was a great forest close to the river on that side, and it was when the forest ended that it opened up to the north. It seemed like it was a day or more west of where we lived if my memory ran true.

Lone Wolf also told us the signs to watch for. When the flow of the stream began to slow, and the ponds began to empty, we'd need to move within the next three full moons.

Running Horse and I decided to go to where Lone Wolf told us to put the new village, before the stream's flow slowed. Once we saw the place he told us about, we could adapt to when we saw the flow of the stream slow. We'd be ready to move long before the ponds ran dry.

What Lone Wolf saw ahead of us, we'll never know. If he knew what was coming, and he sent us on this journey in spite of it, there could have been meaning we couldn't see. If destiny was waiting for us, and Lone wolf saw it, he was sending us into danger. I don't believe he'd do that. I must believe that Lone Wolf believed to survive the village needed to move. What came afterward, because of the move, was not known to Lone Wolf.

The beauty and the tranquility of the new village wouldn't last. What we couldn't see was far more dangerous than what we saw. We depended on Lone Wolf's words, without investigating further. When we saw the place Lone Wolf told us to go, it was perfect, but perfection can be deceptive.

After the death of Lone Wolf, the Pawnee village was faced with several sources of difficulty. Chief Running Horse needed to correct the situation at hand. It wasn't as desperate as it first sounded when Lone Wolf passed his wisdom on to Running Horse. Our village numbered a little more than fifty. A new chief telling them the village had to be moved was a bit of a surprise. Why didn't Lone Wolf prepare his village for the move before he died, because the signs he told us we'd see, he didn't see yet. Moving before it was necessary was poor leadership. He thought he might live long enough to prepare the village, when the time came. His time came first, and it was left to Running Horse and the warrior who sat on his right to prepare them.

"There's going to be opposition to the move. Lone Wolf said we would need to move the village in spite of opposition. Once the move started, people who disagreed with the move wouldn't want to live without the support the village offered. We thought some of the elders might oppose a move, but the elders fell into line. It was annoying that one of the warriors objected.

Tall Elk was always disagreeable. He was older than Running Horse. He believed that he should be chief. This was no secret, and it was why few warriors saw eye to eve with Tall Elk.

It was annoying but one Pawnee voice wasn't enough to derail the move. Medicine Woman stood behind Running Horse and she spoke of the need to move, and our need to go to the place where Lone Wolf told us the village would go.

Dark Horse was the last warrior from Chief Lone Wolf's time. As a honored elder, he spoke with some authority after Lone Wolf was properly mourned. Nothing could be planned or done in a time of mourning for the chief.

The trip to see where the new village would go was put off.

That didn't mean that Dark Horse and Medicine Woman couldn't speak up in favor of the move. They told anyone concerned, the move came from Lone Wolf's lips. If there were any voices as powerful as Chief Running Horse's, it was the voices of Dark Horse and Medicine Woman.

The village would move when the signs Lone Wolf predicted came to pass.

The hunting trips were special occasions and the village turned out to wish the hunters a good hunt. They watched them head toward the mountain that was a little more than a day away on foot. It was three days from the village to the top of the mountain, where the big game lived. We didn't hurry because we wanted to be fresh for the hunt once we got to one of our camps on top.

"At night the people in the village gathered to watch the hunters' fires on the mountain top. Seeing the fires indicated that all was well and the hunters were settling in for the night, and hopefully eating fresh venison. If the hunters weren't eating fresh kill, they'd need to settled for the dried meat they carried with them to eat until there was fresh kill.

Ten days was the average stay for a hunting party. On the seventh or eighth day, there would be no fires on the mountain. That meant the hunt was over. The hunters were on their way home.

Once the hunting party was back in the village the feasting began. It lasted for two to three days, while the meat was being prepared to store. Everyone got their fill while preparations went on. This was part of the changing of seasons that signaled when such events took place.

The Fall hunting was done shortly after the first hard freeze, and the spring hunt came shortly before the final freeze of that season. Running Horse and I planned to go on a hunting trip late in the winter, but a month in advance of the normal hunt. It would allow us to bolster our meat supply. At the same time, we needed to see what was on the far side of the mountain. We'd do this together because we loved being together, no matter what business we were taking care of. Perhaps we looked for ways to get off together. There was no harm in that, whether it was to hunt or explore, or be alone.

I'd only made the trip up once, and that was when I broke my leg ten years before. I didn't remember the landscape. I just climbed until I was on top. It did seem to me that the other side of the mountain was rougher going than on the side where we hunted, but I couldn't be sure.

With nine hunters on top, Running Horse and I got off by ourselves on most hunts. We had places we liked to hunt, and places where we could camp if we didn't want to make the trip back to camp.

Since the two of us got about half the meat each hunt, no one cared how we did it. They were glad to load the meat we brought in on the sleds to join a similar amount of meat on the other sled.

No one cared who got what meat, as long as we got enough to feed the village until the next hunt. After Lone Wolf was gone, Running Horse and I decided to keep making the extra trip to bring back more venison that would last until the main hunt. This was done to have private time together, while we hunted, and we liked hunting.

There were plenty of groundhogs and even more rabbit, but the idea of fresh venison kept the village in favor of this extra trip. No body didn't mind having plenty of fresh venison for their fires.

Hunting was one of our favorite activities, because everyone benefitted and we did it alone. There was nothing that we couldn't do at the village in Running Horse's lodge, but the interruptions might come at any time. Everyone in the village knew we were lovers, and they tried not to make unnecessary demands, but things happen.

Not so much happens on top of a mountain, and being on the mountain was done more frequently once Running Horse was chief. If anyone did object, we handed them a deer roast and sent them on their way.

I objected to the cold, because it was always freezing when we hunted. I stayed in the buffalo robes we used for bedding. Running Horse, on the other hand, got up with little or nothing on but goose bumps.

For some reason, I'd always end up behind him, with my arms around his bare body. It just seemed like the thing to do, but I'd much rather do it in the spring.

The first thing in the morning, however, was our best time. We held each other and kissed, and no one was going anywhere. As cold as it was, we worked up a sweat most mornings. We did eventually hunt, but what I was hunting for was right in my arms.

When we were on the semiannual hunts, we had our own spots where we usually had success, and while it wasn't total privacy like when we hunted alone, it gave us our private time. If we didn't bring down a couple of bucks, Running Horse tracked deer away from the watering holes, and we usually got something that way.

As we waited for the right time to leave on our exploration, Running Horse had an idea of his own that shocked me.

"Your father, my uncle. No like see father?"

I hadn't given it a thought. I knew the river Lone Wolf spoke of was the river next to the cabin in the valley where the river runs. It's the cabin I left when I went to get my griz.

"We aren't going visiting," I said to get him off the subject.

"Running Horse father die. Know nothing. Proud Eagle know."

I felt like such a heel.

This wasn't about me. He didn't know how his father died. They brought his body back to the village, but that's all they knew. Three warriors died. My father never returned. I didn't know what was true, but my mother told me about how my father lost his arm.

"Medicine Woman, Dark Horse will want see their son, once we at river," I proposed. "We stop while village moves. You see uncle."

"This good. Wait move."

It was the first time I thought about seeing my parents in years. It's not something I was dying to do. I didn't think of my parents, because they were part of the life I was happy to leave behind.

Because Running Horse brought it up, I'd need to deal with it. It wasn't an event I was looking forward to.

I couldn't be sure what he wanted. It was one of those things that came out of the blue. It wasn't that often that Running Horse got that far out in front of me.

I had a clear vision of father and son coming together for the first time in years. It wasn't my father and me, but my father meeting his father that interested me. I couldn't say why. Perhaps by taking my father's father to him would tell my father something about seeing his own son for the first time in years. I still wanted my father to see me as a man.

I left home a white boy. I'd return a wild Indian. I looked wild with my long blond hair and the feather Lone Wolf had Medicine Woman weave into my hair.

I was a Pawnee warrior. That wasn't going to go over all that well with Maw. Paw went a long way to live in the white world. I'd traveled the same distance to become Pawnee. I wasn't sure how Paw would view me, once he saw who I'd become.

"Day come, see brother of father," Running Horse said. "Is Good."

And the day will come when I return to the cabin in the valley where the river runs. Even knowing what Running Horse wanted, going home didn't sound like something I needed to do. If I took my father's Pawnee family to see him, I needed to go with them.


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"Speaking"

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"2nd Life"

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