We rode back in single file, Running Horse riding ahead of me, and me pulling the sled with some meat, but not as much as we'd usually get. We'd ordinarily stay, since we had no time limit to how long we'd be gone, but Running Horse wanted to leave. I started to argue about how little meat we had, but he was already up and cleaning our campsite for the departure.

We could have gotten at least one buck today and maybe to, but I followed him off the mountain. The village wouldn't be expecting us back so soon. They'd have seen the fire burning bright last night. That usually meant we'd be hunting the next day.

Running Horse kept riding once we got off the mountain. We'd ordinarily stop at the bottom, and get up and ride to the village in the morning. We didn't stop and Running Horse rode ahead of me as I pulled the sled with our limited results from our hunt.

Running Horse stayed in front of me and we did not talk. This worried me. He couldn't go an hour without wanting to be close to me, and since we broke camp at first light, we'd kept going.

It was late when I saw the village ahead. We'd made the ride in one fifteen hour ride. It was after dark when we entered the village.

No one was out. No firers were burning. As we passed Medicine Woman's lodge, Running Horse stopped Horse and dismounted.

He went straight into the lodge.

I was pissed. Why was he treating me like we didn't know each other. I thought about riding to the lodge and leaving the meat where it was and going into the lodge and going to sleep. I was beat after a day without stopping to eat or even kiss.

I'd never been that angry with Running Horse before.

I got off Shiftless and I went inside.

As I ducked to step into the lodge, there were half the people in the village standing inside.

"What?" I started to say, when I noticed Dark Horse dressed in his finest deerskin. He looked like he was asleep

Medicine Woman sat next to my grandfather's body, head bowed. Lit'l Fox sat on her right side. Running Horse stood behind his grandmother, with his hands on her shoulders. He too had his head bowed.

There wasn't a sound. There was no motion. It was the year before we'd lost Lone Wolf, and now the final warrior of their generation was gone. My grandfather was dead.

That wasn't what bothered me most.

We'd ridden straight home from the mountain. Running Horse knew Dark Horse had died. As unsettling as Dark Horse's death was, the truth about Running Horse startled me more. This wasn't possible. I'd known Running Horse for over ten years. He had never expressed any supernatural abilities before. None I noticed.

He hadn't been chief when Lone Wolf died. I'd often watched and listened from behind Lone Wolf and Running Horse as they walked and talked. Lone Wolf only spoke Pawnee, and they talked too fast for me to understand everything that was said, but I thought I understood, and nothing I heard told me that seeing the future was part of the job.

There had been much talk of wisdom. I knew the word. I knew what it meant, but was there a wisdom beyond the definition? Were there things a chief knew that no one else knew? Was there a wisdom beyond that of ordinary men. Had Lone Wolf transferred some secret knowledge to Running Horse?

The mourning went on for days and we finally said goodbye to Dark Horse. Medicine Woman looked old and frail for the first time. She leaned on Lit'l Fox throughout. She walked slow and stopped often to rest. My grandfather was dead. Was my grandmother dying? Is this what happened when half a couple died?

The meat was unloaded and taken care of by the time we left Medicine Woman's lodge that night.

When we couldn't sit up any longer, and we sat there for hours, Running Horse got up and we walked to our lodge. The horses had been released into the meadow and it was very dark and very quiet.

"How did you know?" I asked, once we were in our bed.

"Chief knows much," he said, and that was that.

I don't know how I felt about it. This was the strangest event I'd seen yet. Acceptance was a good thing but not confusion. My people had been here for thousands of years. They had to know things that people who just arrived couldn't even imagine.

There were secrets in the universe men couldn't imagine. I wondered what secrets Mother Earth kept that would never be passed along to the white people who kept coming and who refused to listen or to even slow down the flood. Perhaps there was knowledge they needed if they hoped to tame the land, but they refused to listen.

While not knowing the unknowable, there was no less of a mystery about the ending of my first life. What if my brother hadn't looked over the cliff?

Would all life have ended when I died there?

I had plenty of time to think about it while I was healing in Medicine Woman's lodge. What really drove me to the mountains? If destiny was waiting there for me, how did I manage to do the things I needed to do to make certain fate intervened.

Could our lives be directed by some force beyond our understanding? If it was, did this force direct the killing, plagues, and the meanness in the hearts of men? If there was such a force out there, was it benevolent or malevolent. Did it enjoy watching the hatred and violence? If fate directs our actions, why is there so much meanness and hatred?

I didn't pretend I understood the universe any more than I understood how Running Horse knew the things he knew. I knew when I approached a place where Running Horse wasn't going. I knew when that was, because Running Horse went silent. In spite of our love, the village came first in a chief's life.

If a Pawnee chief was able to see the future, maybe he could steer his people to safety. Anyone in the way of the western movement would be plowed under, but if you could get out of the way, maybe there was hope that our way of life would continue for another thousand years.

I didn't think it could be done, but I didn't think Running Horse could know Dark Horse had died.

If there were gods, anything was possible. If there weren't gods, or a god, it is the biggest hoax in human history. Men run the world on the proposition, god is on their side.

Who's on God's side?

My only knowledge about the bible came from my grandfather. Maw's father had a whole church, and he mixed goodness and kindness along with his hypocrisy. He encouraged me to read the 'Good Book.' I didn't get far. Jesus was kind and gentle who wanted to help others. While I liked how he lived. The way his own people had him killed wasn't nice, and once you get beyond Jesus, that book is filled with more violence and meanness than Shakespeare. I'm not entertained by mean violent people. I put the 'Good Book' down.

Maw said I'm in danger of going to hell. I ain't never hurt no one, if I'm going to hell, what will they do to all those mean violent folks in that 'Good Book.' My chances are better than theirs. I wish no one ill.

The one thing I do miss about being Pawnee, there isn't anything to read. No one writes. No one reads. Elders tell young Pawnee what came before them. Once we're gone, no one will know we were here.

I was on Running Horse's side. How he knew what he knew was a mystery. He was my chief. I believed in him. The loss of Dark Horse took a toll on Medicine Woman. Running Horse was losing his most important supporter.

It was difficult to see her weaken. When she left her lodge, Lit'l Fox was with her. She no longer walked alone. I'd never watched people age and die. My heart ached when I thought of her following Dark Horse on their longest journey.

Morning Star and Lit'l Fox left their lodge to live in Medicine Woman's lodge. I spent more time in her lodge after Dark Horse was gone. We were closest to her and she took comfort from our presence.

One more time Running Horse upset me with the words he spoke. It was after visiting our grandmother's lodge that I mentioned, 'Maybe the new village will help her regain her strength.

"No live in new village," Running Horse told me.

There was enough wiggle room to have misunderstood him. I didn't question him.

"You said Dark Horse wouldn't see his son. You didn't say Medicine Woman wouldn't see him."

"She see. She stay."

"She'll stay with my father?"

"She won't live in new village."

"No," I said.

Medicine Woman was as devoted to her people as Lone Wolf and Running Horse. She would not be separated from them willingly.

"She's our grandmother," I tried, not making much sense when I said it.

"Change nothing."

"Medicine Woman will not see new village."

Running Horse turned and left the lodge.

I stood there crying.

I was losing my grip on being Pawnee. Once Running Horse said it, he couldn't take it back. He loved Medicine Woman as much as I did. It had to hurt him even more knowing she would not live to get to the new village she advocated for. She was all that was left of the past. She saw to it I became Pawnee.

Would I continue to be Pawnee after she was gone?

I didn't go outside. I couldn't face Running Horse. He'd walk alone tonight. Tomorrow he'd explain as best he could. There were things I didn't want to hear about. This was one of those.

One good thing about life in the village, once Dark Horse was gone, Lit'l Fox and Morning Star became closer. Lit'l Fox grew stronger. He'd moved back into the lodge where he was raised, and Morning Star did the cooking and was there for my brother.

When Running Horse and I walked after the evening meal, and most nights we ate in Medicine Woman's lodge, when we went out to walk, my brother and his wife walked behind us. From time to time they beat us out of the lodge, and we followed them.

It was cheerful with the family together. Her three grandsons and Lit'l Fox's mate stayed close to her and to each other. It was all the family I had and I was suddenly scared like when I was small. I didn't want to lose Medicine Woman. I couldn't stop it. Like with each life, death is always waiting just ahead.

Lit'l Fox saved my life and he took me home. Nothing in my life was more important. My brother was more than a brother, more than a friend, more than the link that joined us all together, and me to the village where I lived.

When Lit'l Fox realized that Running Horse and his brother were in love, he encouraged us. Lit'l Fox could see I loved Running Horse before I knew it. He made sure we had plenty of time together. Now, I returned the favor, as my brother fell in love with Morning Star.

While I'd never been able to return the favor to my brother until now. He saw to it that I had plenty of time with Running Horse. I made sure he had plenty of private time with Morning Star.

At times, I kept Running Horse from going back into Medicine Woman's lodge after our walk. Once I started kissing Running Horse, he didn't remember why he wanted to return to Medicine Woman's lodge. All that was on his mind was getting into our bedding.

Love was its own reward. I was happy for Lit'l Fox and Morning Star as I was for myself. Love was the purest emotion, because you always considered your lover before yourself.


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"Going Home"

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"Losing Pawnee"

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