When we moved the village, my life would have come full circle. This time, when I stood on the far bank, it was with the plan to cross the river and return to the cabin I left ten years before. Gregory would not be returning home. Tall Willow would be bring his people, his father's people, to see Proud Eagle, who disappeared the day of the massacre at his Pawnee village.

As the time came to pack up and start moving, I became more thoughtful about what this reunion met. My father was being reunited with his mother and first son. His second son would bring them face to face. Seeing my father see his father for the first time in years would have been the thing I wished to see, but I couldn't do that now. I'd need to be satisfied with my father seeing me, the only son he raised.

My father wouldn't see me as the son he raised. I was a man. I was a Pawnee warrior. There was no telling how Maw would react to me. Her Paw would want to shoot me, but I doubt my Maw would be agreeable to that. What she'd be agreeable to, I couldn't say. She'd most likely agree to me leaving.

I had no feeling my parents would be any more pleased with me now, than when I left the cabin in the valley where the river runs. Running Horse was a different matter. He needed to talk to Paw about his father. I understood his need to hear the story from the only person who had been there when his Paw died.

Lying in the comfort of Running Horse's arms, my mind worked overtime. I tried to consider it all, but in the end, I didn't know how my parents would receive me. I was their son. Perhaps they'd recognize I'd become the man I was destined to be. It's not what they'd have picked for me, but I picked it for me.

"Be fine," Running Horse said out of the blue.

"What?" I asked, knowing better than to ask such a question.

"What you think about. Be fine. You see. Worry over nothing."

"Stop doing that. Do you know how scary you can be?"

"No scary. It be fine."

Easy for him to say.

*****

Nothing lasts forever.

I was lucky to have found my place in the world. It was obvious that white men rarely found happiness, which explained their meanness and anger.

I was white. I found happiness in a Pawnee village. It was on the far side of the mountain. I was that close. I was that far away.

I was a Pawnee warrior who hadn't been tested in battle. I had one unsettling question in my mind. Could I kill a man? I was one of the best hunters. My arrows ran true, but shooting a deer was far different from getting a man in your sights, and dropping him like he was some wild creature in the forest.

I watched Lit'l Fox kill two men. When the chips were down, my brother could kill a man. He'd killed men. I'm not sure any of our warriors had killed a man. With our lives on the line, Lit'l Fox killed.

I couldn't have done what my brother did. It wasn't about my broke leg. I was horrified the boy who rescued me did kill for us. The question in my mind, could I do what Lit'l Fox did today? I think I could. Thinking is not doing.

Had I been alone when those hunters found me. They'd have done what it was they had it in mind to do, and left me for dead if they didn't kill me outright. I had no idea of the evil men do. I was smarter now, and I could kill to save my people. I could probably kill to save myself, but I had never killed a man. I wasn't sure I could.

Medicine Woman told me, "Lit'l Fox can do anything Pawnee boys do. It's best for him to not take on too much strain."

I didn't know how much Lit'l Fox knew about his weak heart. Since he'd fallen in love with Morning Star, my brother never looked stronger. She was the best thing that ever happened to Lit'l Fox. Running Horse knew what I knew. He tried to protect Lit'l Fox from taking on too much. As chief, he could get away with that. As his younger brother, he wasn't letting me tell him what he could do and couldn't do.

When he sent Lit'l Fox home with the first sled of meet, it was with the understanding, he needed to get back to Morning Star. While my brother never looked stronger, he never looked happier.

On the spring hunt, the meat we needed was reduced by the plan to move the village once the summer heat broke, and the fall was upon us. The packing was underway and the move was on in spite of Tall Elk, who continued to annoy everyone about his opinion.

Medicine Woman's knowledge about the weather proved to be on the money. After the spring hunt, the rains stopped coming as often, and the flow of the stream slowed. Each evening Running Horse and I went to walk along the stream and to check the level of our ponds. We saw what we'd been expecting to see since Lone Wolf's death.

The rest of the village prepared for the move in the fall, while I worried about seeing my parents again. I didn't know how Medicine Woman felt about a reunion with her only remaining son. If she thought about it at all, she didn't mention it to me. She was weaker than she had been at the start of the new yer. It was Lit'l Fox she leaned on and Morning Star kept her well fed.

The elders accepted the move had to be made, and the extra year gave them more time to adapt to the idea. They had more time to pack things they wanted to take. Change was hard on everyone but it was hardest on our elders. We'd do our best to make it no harder than necessary. Once they saw the beauty of their new home, I couldn't imagine anyone objecting to living there.

A few loud voices did object. Tall Elk kept talking against the move to the young warriors. There was noise behind Running Horse's back, but when they came face to face with their chief, only Tall Elk objected.

Tall Elk was always good for an objection, but I found him objectionable. I didn't tell Running Horse how I felt. He was chief and he handled Tall Elk more diplomatically than I would have done.

"He thinks he should be chief," Medicine Woman told Running Horse.

"Hmm," Running Horse replied.

"Put him in charge of the men you send to build the lodges," Medicine Woman said.

It not only made Tall Elk feel important, but it got him out of the village. He could complain as much as he wanted as a half a dozen braves went with him to construct lodges our elders could move right into, once the move was completed.

Twice we took the path we'd take when the move was made. Mainly Running Horse needed to see the terrain going down the mountain toward the river. It took two days out and two days back, and since we were on official business, we made camp early and broke camp late. The hunting was really good. While we were checking one aspect of the mountain or another, some critter would scurry out, realizing his mistake way too late, and we had supper. We were back in four days with a much better idea of the route we'd go to encounter as few obstacles as we could.

Once we got to the river side of the mountain, the worst of it was behind us. We could go as fast or as slow as we needed. The land would mostly be flat and easy to move across.

The weather was too unpredictable to take the chance on going in spring. A sudden freeze or an early hot spell were a worry when you tried to go too far in the spring. Once the heat of summer was behind us, we had only the mountain to worry about, and we'd be across before October's unpredictable weather.

"Do you see our future?" I asked, not thinking before I asked him.

Running Horse did not answer. He knew I was waiting for an answer.

"What do you see for Medicine Woman. You can tell me that," I explained to him.

"A Chief know much. He speaks not of what he knows," he said in his best English.

He didn't speak of Medicine Woman's death. Perhaps, by not speaking, it might be delayed. I could live with that. I didn't want to be chief and I didn't want to make being chief harder on Running Horse.

I didn't ask the question again. I was afraid he might answer. I didn't really want to know.

Medicine Woman and Dark Horse were closer than close. They were of one mind and of one heart.

Medicine Woman had not taken Dark Horse's death well. I stayed in her lodge for some time after our grandfather died. One day Running Horse came to walk me back to his lodge.

He needed his right hand man to come home.

Grandfather taught me many things about being Pawnee. I didn't realize that he was teaching me how to serve my chief. As he sat at Lone Wolf's right, so I'd sit at the right of Running Horse. I'd be there to advise him.

Dark Horse only spoke Pawnee. He was able to make himself understood. When I used a combination of Pawnee, English, and signs, he always understood, but he answered in Pawnee. This too was a lesson he was teaching me. I would never think in Pawnee. English had too long had a hold on me, but Dark Horse knew this would make me even more valuable to Running Horse than he was to Lone Wolf.

As the old warriors took their final journey, they did so after watching our generation of warriors come of age and take charge of the hunt and protecting the village. Our village had been at peace since I arrived. Most of the other warriors were older than I was, but I was one of the best hunters. They'd all figure me to be a capable warrior when the time came to fight.

We were excellent hunters, but we were untested in battle. I wasn't sure I could do what was required of our warriors. We practiced war games, riding skills, and how to be the most effective warriors. One of the few times Lone Wolf came to watch his village's young warriors, he sat upon his horse and watched us shoot arrows, while galloping among the trees.

Smiling his approval, after watching for a while, he rode away from the place where we practiced. No one fell off his horse that day, and I suppose it was a good sign. I still worried about my warrior's skills.

I never mentioned this doubt to Lone Wolf or Dark Horse. They were old warriors who saw much death around them. Neither spoke of the killing or the dying. No one spoke of the generation of warriors they belonged to, but they were the last warriors of their generation. I should have asked them about my doubts. They had fought and killed their enemies. How did they do it? Was I the only Pawnee warrior who questioned whether or not he could kill?

I learned no lessons about being Pawnee while growing up. I had no foundation to build on. It was my desire to be Pawnee that drove me to be the best Pawnee I could possibly be. Everyone at the village watched me become Pawnee. No one thought it was easy, but by the time I was a man, I stood beside the other warriors without any question about me belonging. I was ready to fight and die for my people.

Maybe they could see beyond my ability to see. The value of my conversations with Dark Horse and then Lone Wolf couldn't be measured. It was about me learning without considering the value of the lessons being taught me. I was good Pawnee. I was raised white. I saw it as of no particular value to me in the village where I lived.

The village that was destined to be moved soon. I thought that this would be the time to return to the cabin in the valley where the river runs. I'd return home with my father's mother and his son. I'd go home a Pawnee warrior. My father would see, I was a man as well as a warrior. He'd meet his nephew, now Chief Running Horse.

My mother would not recognize Tall Willow as her son. To my mother, I'd be some crazy wild Indian. No, there wouldn't be any family reunion at the cabin, but maybe Paw would see that I did something he never imagined I could do.

I had raised the dead. He never went home to his people, so his son brought his people to him. That might even please my Paw.

As a boy, I longed to be Pawnee. I became one.

I did not tell stories about my life as a white boy. My people suffered at the hands of the whites. I'd come to them as a white boy.

I grew into a Pawnee warrior. I sat at the right hand of my chief, where I sat the next evening as Running Horse called his people together to tell them when the move would take place, and why.

"I am Running Horse. My father was the sun, my mother the sky. Lone Wolf raised me to be chief. His words of wisdom helped me grow strong. He knew all there is to know. I carry his lessons with me. We are to take journey to cross mountain. I've found the place Lone Wolf spoke of for the new village. It good place. Lone Wolf told me where I'd find it. It be hard trip. We carry what we can. There the waters flow, grass grows green, the game plenty. Mother Earth bless spot. Time to prepare for journey," Running Horse explained.

Medicine Woman had gone from lodge to lodge, preparing the way for the move that needed to be made. There were always those who opposed change, but most of the people understood the need to move. They'd spend the time they needed to get ready, and after the heat of summer broke, we'd begin our move.

Once Dark Horse was put with our ancestors, Medicine Woman went about speaking the truth to the people in the village. Besides the chief, Medicine Woman had always been the most important presence in the village. No one questioned the words of Medicine Woman, and she said that it was Tall Elk who talked foolishness. The move needed to be made and it needed to be made before the third full moon.

Running Horse wasn't trying to force the village into a move on his say so alone. Since no one questioned Chief Lone Wolf's wisdom, they'd follow Chief Running Horse, who followed what Chief Lone Wolf had laid out for him.

Medicine Woman, being the most respected voice in the village, did what she needed to do for the good of the village. It was often the women who guided a village to do what needed doing. This was no less true now, when we were facing what could be a desperate situation. A good leader saw ahead and he took the people where they needed to go. Running Horse was young, but no one doubted Lone Wolf prepared him to be chief.

The plans were discussed and more than one council was held. Many Pawnee stood to speak of their ideas of how best to take the things we would need most. The lodges would be left behind, but braves would be sent ahead to cut the trees to make new lodges. There were plenty of trees for that purpose. Most of the materials necessary could be found nearby. The lodges would be waiting for the villagers to arrive at the new place where the village would go.

Running Horse remained quiet at our lodge. I did what I could to make him comfortable, but the strain of leadership seemed obvious. He walked and talked with Medicine Woman, Young Antelope, and Tall Elk. When he walked with me, he walked in silence. We spent no less time together, but the happy lad I loved had things on his mind.

As time passed, and we walked together near the ponds and the stream, we could see the change Lone Wolf told us would come. Last years heavy rainfall wasn't even a trickle this year. It did not rain.

"Foolish move before summer end," Running Horse said one afternoon. "Can't wait too long. Water run out soon."

The clouds were coming lower as a storm approached and passed without it raining at all. The wind blew. We walked holding hands. No one had any questions about the move any longer.

Would the water run out before the move started?

"You're quiet. I worry when you don't speak to me," I finally said. "You want me out of your hair?"

"Much on mind."

Running Horse smile.

"That's one way to put it," I said.

"What this get out of hair?"

"You never cease to amaze me," I said. "You pay attention to everything I say."

"Why I not listen to Tall Willow? You my man."

"You've been so quiet. It means get someone out of the way. Get him out of your hair. Send him off on an errand to get rid of him."

"You too big be in hair."

"Yes, I am," I said. "I love you."

Running Horse kissed my cheek. We walked on.

It became obvious to me that Medicine Woman no longer had the energy she once had. She hardly smiled. Her happy talk had become no more than a whisper. I once again faced the words Running Horse used. She would go on the journey with us. She would not live in the new village with us.

It made me quiet and sad. My people were dying around me. I could no longer take my father's father to Paw.

Would I be able to take his mother to see her son one last time?

I had no desire to be chief or to lead anyone anywhere. I was least likely to know the right thing to do. I'd grown fond of Lone Wolf's lodge. Running Horse and I would build our own lodge once the village had been moved. The first lodges would go to the families with children. Then, the women, like Medicine Woman, would have lodges built to their liking. Because wives of dead warriors have honored places in village, they could pick a lodge already built, or have a new one built to their specifications.

Running Horse and I were strong young men who could build our own lodge. The new village would be busy building the storage areas and smoke houses that we'd need. I looked forward to it.

Running Horse was smart enough to talk with Medicine Woman often. She would tell him of the past she knew and heard about, and she saw what was ahead of us. Medicine Woman had grown quiet. For the first time, I told her that Running Horse wished to stop to see Proud Eagle, his uncle, my father, her son.

Medicine Woman did not react to the idea. She knew I was saying we were going to stop at the cabin in the valley where the river runs. She knew of the one armed Pawnee man in that cabin. Medicine Woman knew who that man was. Because she knew who he was, she knew who I was when Lit'l Fox brought me home to her lodge. It was a small world.

Someone who knew Paw probably saw him on his travels and passed the word along to the surviving villagers. My hope was the idea would give Medicine Woman an incentive to stay alive for the journey across the mountain. It was up to her now.

I'd heard tell that a mother never stops longing for her lost son. I did not long for a lost father, but there were other people to be considered, including my brother. Lit'l Fox said nothing about this idea, when he heard me explain it. Being a son is far different from being a mother, and knowing his father had been so close for all these years, and never made the trip back across the mountain didn't sit well with my brother.

He knew my father connected us to each other. He was happy to have a brother, but my father got none of the credit. In the nearly ten years we'd been together, Lit'l Fox never once asked about my father. He'd been left. He hadn't forgotten it. He sensed I wasn't fond of Paw.

No matter his feelings about Paw, my brother's feelings for Morning Star became obvious soon after Dark Horse died. Happiness was a commodity often in short supply, but not when it came to my brother's love for Morning Star. While Running Horse and I walked hand in hand after the evening meal, Lit'l Fox and Morning Star walked hand in hand right behind us, or sometimes in front of us.

Both his best friend and brother were delighted to see Lit'l Fox smile more than before. I even heard him laughing as they talked. I hadn't heard much laughter from Lit'l Fox. In some ways he was like my father. I saw more of Paw in Lit'l Fox than I saw in myself.

Lit'l Fox grew up thinking that Medicine Woman and Dark Horse were his mother and father. That could never happen in a town of white people. Everyone would know the story and enjoy talking about it. My brother was three years older than I was. No one had ever mentioned that his parents were actually his grandparents. Why trouble a child with needing to deal with his mother's death and father's disappearance. He was angry with Paw He didn't blame me for the truth coming out.

As the days grew shorter and the heat subsided, all the belongings to go with us were readied to be move. Running Horse believed it would take two weeks, plus whatever time we camped at the cabin in the valley where the river runs.

We could come off the mountain, camp in the open fields a few miles from the river, and pass without much notice, but we wouldn't. It wasn't me who couldn't pass without stopping. It was Running Horse's plan, and there would be no objections.

I couldn't say what kind of reception we might get, because I was given up for dead long ago. I left my mother's son. I'd return as the good right hand to Chief Running Horse. My father was more white than Pawnee. Only when we hunted together, did I see any Pawnee in Paw. He read signs, saw things I didn't see, and even with one arm, his aim was true. If Paw shot at something, it was dead.

Those were the times when I paid the most attention to my father. Once we were back at the cabin, he was like most white men. He tended his animals, his fields, and provided much of our food. What he took to town to sell, provided us with cash to buy what we needed. He didn't sell anything to anyone. He left what he had to sell at the church. Maw's Paw took care of it. He gave the cash to Maw.


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"Across the River"

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